Chapter 31: Decisive Action
March 18th
Elara paced the floor in the Room of Requirement. She paced furiously between the toppling aisles of lost and hidden things. Her heart pounded furiously against her rib cage.
What have I done?
The thought pulsing through her head as she wrung her hands, tearing them through her hair and taking deep, gasping breaths. She had warned Dumbledore. That much she was positive on. Whether or not he took the warning seriously, she did not know, but he had been warned. Whether or not he took her warning and did something with it, she supposed she would find out. She blinked furiously, her eyes burning from lack of sleep and unshed tears. She felt nauseous.
How can I fix this? What can I do to fix this?
She stopped, taking a moment to collect her thoughts and catch her breath. Did she want to fix it? She couldn't very well take it back. She had already said something to Dumbledore, a small something, seven words to be exact, but it had been something. More than she had done thus far. She hadn't meant to tell him. The words just tumbled from her mouth when he stopped and looked at her.
Or maybe she had meant to tell him?
Figure yourself out, Elara!
God, if she had a sickle for every time she had thought that to herself this year. She chuckled in a sleep deprived stupor. She had blatantly gone back on a deal she made with the Dark Lord. If he found out, she would die a very painful and (she imagined) violent death.
But wasn't that probably what would happen anyway?
She had no idea if he was going to hold up his end of keeping her parents and brother safe and alive. Chances are, the minute he was done using her for everything she was worth, he would kill them all, one foul swoop, and not even think twice about it.
What were you thinking? Making a deal with him anyway?!
Ugh. She was so frustrated with herself. So, so angry! How could she do this?! And for what? Her own life? Was her need for self preservation so deep that she was willing to put the entire school at risk? To put Harry at risk? Dumbledore's life was literally on the line, and she hadn't seen anything past herself. Past her family.
Did they deserve the saving? Did they deserve the resurrection of their already foul reputations? Was it worth her life?
No.
She blanched, sighing deeply and staring at the ground. If she were being honest with herself, truly honest, they didn't deserve the help. Her family had caused so much heart ache, so much pain to so many people. They had stood by and let so many people die and for what? To be exactly where they were trying to avoid being? For her father to end up rotting in Azkaban, anyway? For her and her brother to be used as pawns?
They didn't deserve saving. But Harry did. Dumbledore did. And she could name fifty other people she encountered daily that did.
The mark on her arm proved that she didn't.
She stared at the cabinet, her heart rate picking back up. This isn't what she wanted. She had come to help Draco, but she couldn't keep lying to herself, pretending that she wanted to be a part of the Dark Lord's ranks. She wanted nothing to do with it, if she were honest.
And she had to be honest.
Before she could think about what she was doing, she tore from the room, sprinting down the corridors and moving as quickly as her legs would take her. She skidded to a stop in front of the Infirmary, praying that Harry would be inside. She stepped through the doorway and breathed a sigh of relief. Harry, Hermione, and Ginny were sitting in chairs around Ron's bed. Ron was sleeping, the others chatting quietly between themselves.
"Harry." She breathed, nearly doubling over to catch her breath.
"Ellie?!" He looked to her, alarm on his features. "What's going on? Are you-
"I'm fine. I'm fine. I need to talk to you. Right now. Please." She said, trying hard to not lose her nerve.
He looked to Hermione and Ginny, both girls nodded and Harry stood slowly, walking to where Elara was panting. "Okay." He said. "Okay. What's up?"
"Can we go outside?" She asked. "I need to talk to you in private."
He nodded. "Sure, yeah."
"Good. Okay." She stammered, turning on her heal and walking out. She kept a fast pace, Harry nearly jogging to keep up with her. She walked onto the grounds, the cool march air sending a shiver to her spine. She wrapped her arms around herself and marched quickly to the edge of the black lake, to stand by the large boulder that she and Harry had spent many an afternoon.
"Are you alright?" He asked. "You seem… Frantic."
"I am." She nodded. "But I have to say it. I have to get it out right now before I talk myself out of it."
"Have you slept?" He asked.
She shook her head. "No."
"Ellie if you need-
"Harry Potter will you just listen to me!" She said, raising her voice. "Please! I need to tell you now."
He took a step back from her and knit his brows together. He nodded. "Go on."
She took a deep breath and began speaking. The words falling from her mouth in quick succession. "I've lied to you. I've lied so much. And- and I started to try to tell you, and then I couldn't and I- I don't know what came over me earlier this morning but talking to Dumbledore I just kind of… I don't know. I just… Harry, you're in danger. The entire school is in danger! And- and it's my fault. I've been helping for months. I've been doing terrible things to help them and- and they're going to try to kill you. And they're going to try to kill Dumbledore and… Harry I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
"Ellie, what are you talking about?" He asked.
She ripped her sleeve up, showing her mark. "I'm marked. You knew that, but I accepted it. I let him talk me into accepting it so that I would live. So that my family would live, and now… He's trying to use me. He wants to use my abilities to- to- well, I don't know what he wants me to do. But I know it isn't going to be good. Harry, he's going to come here, and he's going to kill you and Dumbledore, and anyone else standing in his way. And it'll be my fault."
"What do you mean you helped? Ellie, what are you-
"I gave Katie Bell the necklace, Harry." She admitted. "It was me. I used my abilities so she wouldn't remember who gave it to her. And… and there's a vanishing cabinet. A cabinet I've been working on to try and get the Death Eaters into the castle. That was the reason I came here this year. Draco couldn't do it on his own, he couldn't figure out the formulas to get the incantation right. I did it. I figured it all out. I got it to work. My magic, my abilities, was the reason it worked."
She was sobbing, taking in deep, heaving breaths as she tried to get it all out. Months of lies and half truths. Months of deceit and bad deeds. All the terrible things she had done and lied about.
"I used them on you too." She said. "I'm sorry."
"You used your abilities on me?" He asked, speaking in a near whisper. "Is that why I…" He trailed off, shaking his head.
"No." She said. "No Harry, I swear. I swear to Merlin, I only did it once on you. That dream you had, you said it felt real. That's because it was. I altered your memory to make you think it didn't happen that way."
"Why?" He was angry. His voice was low, and shaking.
"Because I couldn't let you think anything good between us could continue. Because you deserve better than me! Harry, I've been trying to tell you that! You shouldn't love me! You should- you should hate me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything and I'm going to turn myself in to Dumbledore. I just… I needed you to know. I had to tell you the truth. I don't expect you to forgive me, I just had to-
"Stop talking." He said, closing his eyes. "Please, stop talking."
She nodded and took in a deep breath and as she blew it out, a sob wracked through her, bringing her to her knees. She fell in a heap, tears hot on her face as she cried. She cried for herself, for her brother, for Dumbledore, for her parents, for Professor Snape, for Blaise and Pansy, for Hermione and Ron and Neville. And she cried for Harry. Her throat raw from her sobs, she cried until she thought she would vomit. She wiped her face on the sleeve of her robes like a child, trying to focus her tear blurred vision.
She stayed on her knees, her breathing finally calming. Harry was pacing, his hand tearing through his hair and a wild look of furious bewilderment on his face. She was thankful her potion was still in effect, because she was sure that had it worn off right now, she'd be incapable of functioning under the force of Harry's emotions.
He met her eyes and shook his head, looking away from her again. She closed her eyes, taking a deep breath and slowly breathing it back out. She kept her eyes closed as her tears slowed. She sniffled and slowly, opened her eyes. They burned and felt heavy from lack of sleep and crying. She stared up at Harry, waiting.
"Did you poison Ron?" He asked.
"What?" She asked, blinking several times.
"Did you fucking poison Ron?!" He yelled, outraged.
She flinched. "No." She said. "No, Harry. I did not poison that mead."
"Do you know who did?"
She shook her head. "No."
"Was is Draco?" He asked, finally turning to look at her.
"I don't-
"Was. It. Draco?" He asked through clenched teeth.
"I don't know, Harry. I swear. I honestly have no idea. If it was, he hasn't told me about it."
He stared at her for what felt like an eternity. His nostrils flared with anger as he breathed heavily. He seemed to be sizing her up, trying to figure out if she was telling the truth.
"You said you took the mark, I saw that you rejected it. What do you mean?"
"I was marked without agreeing to it. So my magic was rejecting it." She took a deep breath and continued. "V-Voldemort got into my head. He threatened to- to s-scalp my family. To kill them in front of me if I didn't help him. He w-wants to use my abilities."
"For what?"
"I don't know." She said. "He said he could make me powerful. Make my abilities stronger. And- and it seemed like he had. But I don't know if it was him or- or me? I don't know. None of it makes any sense."
"Why would he want to use your abilities?"
"Harry… I can alter memory. I've… I've been able now to force people into emotions… If I keep practicing, I'll be able to completely manipulate someone into doing…" Her chin trembled again and she coughed, trying to hold back another sob. "I'm a walking Imperious, Harry. One touch and the right thoughts and I can make people do whatever I want them to do… And no one would be able to trace it back to him. I'd be the one that gets caught. I'd be the one that gets punished."
"He wants you to do his dirty work for him."
She nodded.
"And you agreed."
She nodded again. "I was terrified." She said. "He was in my head! I- I couldn't think straight. I was dying."
"That's why you had been avoiding me. Before you broke up with me?"
"My fever never went away. Until I agreed to help him. Once I accepted the mark, it's like I became stronger than ever. My magic… I can do things now, things I could never do before. I'm terrified. And I tried, I really tried to stay away from you and just…"
"And just be a Death Eater." He nodded, a look of disgust on his face.
She closed her eyes. "I don't want to be this person. And I tried, Harry, I really tried to stay out of it. When we started dating… I told Draco I wanted out. I didn't want to be a part of it anymore."
"I knew you were in danger, and you lied to me." Harry said. "You told me I didn't know what I was talking about!"
"I'm sorry." She whined "Harry, I'm sorry. I know it's not enough! I know I can tell you until I run out of breath and it won't be enough, but I am so sorry."
"People got hurt, Ellie. Katie! Katie almost died and she still isn't back! And Ron! And- and you! You were in a coma! You almost died! And you kept lying. You let me believe that- that I was being paranoid. That my gut feeling was off!"
Tears fell again, splashing into the grass. "I know." She said.
"Get up." Harry said, suddenly. "Stand up, come on now." He stepped to her, grabbing her elbow and helping to hoist her from the ground.
She looked up at him through wet lashes, her breath coming in uneven puffs. She felt broken and numb, she felt like she couldn't breathe, and the weight of the last seven months was crushing her.
"Did you lie to me when you said you loved me too?" He asked, his hand still on her arm.
"No." She breathed, her voice just above a whisper. "No, I never lied about my feelings for you. I tried to." She laughed humorlessly. "I really tried not to fall for you. I kept telling myself I didn't. That I couldn't… I should have never…"
"Shut up." He said.
She looked at him, shock on her face. "E-excuse me?"
"I said shut up." He said. "You don't get to do that. You don't get to come clean about everything and then say that having feelings for me was a mistake."
"It was Harry! Look at us! I hurt you, I hurt so any people!"
"You would have hurt more, if you didn't have feelings for me. You would have never come to me and told me this if you didn't have feelings for me. You would've gotten yourself killed."
"I deserve it." She said. "I'm going to be killed anyway, don't you understand that? He's going to kill me the second he finds out I said anything. He's going to… Oh God." Her entire body shook as another sob attempted to tear through her. "He's going to kill Draco. It's my fault. It's all my fault."
Harry gripped her arm tighter and pulled her into him. Her hands covered her face as she cried, he wrapped his arms around her, resting his chin on her head as she mumbled "I'm sorry" over and over.
"You need to calm down." He said. "Ellie, listen to me, you need to take a breath, okay?"
She nodded, trying to take a steady breath. She focused on her breathing, trying to calm herself down as Harry rubbed small circles into her back.
"I could really use a bead right now." She said, pulling away from his chest and chuckling lightly.
Harry moved his hand to his collar, pulling out the necklace of blue crystal beads. "I don't have a spare, but I have these."
She reached out and touched the beaded necklace. "You still…? Why?"
He shrugged. "Couldn't bring myself to take it off."
She began crying again. "Harry…"
"No, no. Don't cry again." He said. "Elara, please."
She nodded. "I'm sorry." She said, for what felt like the thousandth time. "I just… Are you angry at me?"
He stiffened, looking down at her. "Honesty? Right?"
She nodded.
"I'm furious." He said.
She bit the inside of her lip as she tried to hold back her tears, her chin trembling. She gave a nod. "I understand why. And you should be. But… Harry you were right."
"About what?"
"When you said I hate myself." She quickly wiped the tear that spilled over her sore eyes. "I do. And I hate that I lied to you for so long, and that I put so many people in danger. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to fix this."
"I don't know if you can." He said. "But we can figure something out. You said you told Dumbledore?"
"I told him the school was in danger."
"What did he say?"
She closed her eyes, scrunching up her face as she tried to clearly recall what he had said. "He said 'Hogwarts is in danger of many things, you are not one of them'. I don't know if he took me seriously. I don't think he understood what I was-
"He understood." Harry said. "He always understands what you're trying to convey."
"He said I'm not one of them. I don't know what it meant but…"
"I do." Harry said. "You aren't like them. You aren't a Death Eater, Ellie."
"I'm marked!" She said, exasperated. "How can you say that when I accepted the Mark and-
"Because if you were, you would have never said anything to anyone. You would have lied, cheated, and killed to do what Voldemort asked you to do. Dumbledore talks in riddles sometimes. It's frustrating, and it's confusing, but he knows exactly what he's saying. It's up to you to figure it out."
They stood in silence, her thoughts racing faster than she could catch them. She shivered as the wind kicked the air around them. "Is Ron going to be okay?" She asked.
Harry nodded. "Yeah. He'll be fine."
She smiled sheepishly. "Good." She sighed. "We should go back inside. I think we've been out here a long time and I'm knackered. I haven't been to bed."
She began to walk, her feet feeling like lead as she slowly moved through the grass. She startled when she felt Harry's hand close around her wrist, turning her around and pulling her into him. He pressed his lips into hers, his mouth moved desperately against her lips. He pulled away and looked at her, his breath hitting her face as he spoke. "I am so angry right now." He admitted. "But I do love you. I can't just stop loving you, and I don't want to. Don't lie to me anymore."
She nodded. "I won't." She promised. "I understand why you're angry, and I don't expect you to forgive me anytime soon. Frankly, I don't deserve the-
"Don't tell me whether or not you deserve my forgiveness." He said. "I can decide that. I can decide if you're worth it or not."
"I don't want to hurt you anymore, Harry."
"That's on me, I reckon. If I get hurt after hearing all of this, after everything you've just told me. It's my fault. Not yours. But I get to make that decision."
"I don't deserve you." She said. "You're too good for me."
He shook his head. "You have good in you Elara. I've seen it since I met you, Dumbledore sees it… I'd wager Blaise and Draco see it…"
She let out a breathy laugh. "How can you be so sure? After all of this? After I openly admitted to lying and manipulating you?"
"I just know. My gut isn't wrong, often. You need to trust me. I'll learn how to trust you again, but you need to trust me."
She nodded. "I do. I always have."
Elara had a decision to make.
It had become glaringly obvious to her that she was not the best at making decision. She had once thought herself decisive, direct and calculated. She once thought she was clever and thoughtful of the moves she made. A chess player in life.
The last seven months had taught her quickly that she was not. That everything she thought she knew about herself while she spent her life hiding behind the Manor's door was wrong or has drastically changed. She wondered often what her life would be like right now, had she come to Hogwarts when she received her letter on her eleventh birthday. She wondered if she would have become friends with Ron, Hermione and Harry right off the bat, or if she would have stayed only in Draco's circles.
No matter how often she thought about it, it wouldn't change what had happened. She received her letter, her father explained that she could not go, that it would be dangerous for her to be a part of that experience, and that she would learn at home, as she had been her for her life to that point.
Now, when she thought of that conversation, instead of fondness for her Father, she felt anger. She felt like her life had been rigged from the start. Hidden behind cheaply made lies and thin veils of deceit, she was always destined to be a mess. To be used for her abilities or stowed away because of them.
Harry didn't think that way, though. Harry thought she could be her own person, that she was worthy of trust, and love, and friendship. Harry had let her pour her heart out, let her explain her side of things in detail, let her explain her lies, and why she had ever spit them.
Draco would not be as forgiving. Draco would not be as understanding. Harry's life was on the line, as was Draco's. But Draco had far more self-preservation and fear than Harry possessed. Harry was fearless, almost to the point of stupidity. Draco was fearful to the same point.
And fear could make you extremely stupid, it could completely dull your mind and ensnare all intelligence into its sticky webs. Elara knew that better than anyone.
"What did you want to talk about?" Draco asked, stifling a yawn.
He looked awful. The circles under his eyes were puffy, his skin was more pale than usual and his posture was hunched. He looked like he hadn't eaten or slept in a week.
"I have to get right to the point." She said, straightening herself before she lost her nerve. "I'm going to just come out and say it."
"Are you telling me that, or trying to convince yourself?" He asked, his tone sounding bored.
"Both." She said. "I think a little of both."
"Get on with it, El. I haven't got all damn day."
She sighed. "I told Harry."
He arched an eyebrow, folding his arms over his chest. "Told him what?"
"Everything."
It took longer than she had expected, but the look of understanding flashed across his face and he was angry. His nostrils flared as his lip curled in a snarl. "What do you mean you told him everything?"
"I think you know exactly what I mean, Draco."
He turned his back to her and paced a few steps, walking closer to the vanishing cabinet. "Fuck!" He shouted, throwing a fist into the wood. "Fuck! Ellie! What the fuck were you thinking?!"
"I couldn't lie anymore." She said, fighting to keep her tone even and calm. "I… I love him, Coco. And I can't lie anymore."
"We're going to be killed now." He said. "You understand that, don't you? The Dark Lord is going to fucking slaughter us and-
"He was going to kill us anyway!" She said. "No matter what we did or said! As soon as he was done using me up, he would have slaughtered us all! We've been on borrowed time long enough. If I'm going to die either way, I'd rather die with a clear conscience."
"So, you just decided that you would tell him. I wouldn't even get the option to decide when I fucking die?!"
"Are you not listening to me?" She said. "He is going to kill us either way! We're going to die either way, Draco. And if Harry knows, he can help us."
"He can help you." Draco said. "He can help you! He isn't going to help me! He doesn't want to fucking help me! I was given a task, and I'm going to see it through. Maybe I'll be killed, but maybe I won't. I don't fucking need you. I'll restore our family's name without you."
"I don't care about our name, anymore!" She shouted. "And neither should you! You're so… We were so fixated on our name! What does that even mean?! What does it even bring us?! We've been getting spat on in the streets! People avoiding our gaze and talking about us right in front of us! Calling us names and saying terrible things! Draco, our name has done nothing for us!"
"When the Dark Lord wins-
"IF. If the Dark Lord wins, he isn't going to do anything for us. He's made it obvious he only cares about my abilities. He doesn't care about me. He doesn't care about you or Mother or Father."
"That isn't true! Father was his righthand for-
"Father is rotting away in Azkaban! He could have gone and got him out, broken him free like he did the others! But he left him! He left father there to rot! He. Doesn't. Care."
"So, you tell Potter and apologize and what? He's just going to save us? After everything I've done you think he'll just help us?" He yelled. His eyes wild with rage.
"Yes!" She said. "You haven't done anything, Draco! It's been me the entire time! I'm the one that gave Katie Bell the necklace, I'm the one that figured out the formula for the cabinet, I'm the one who created the incantation, I'm the one that agreed to be used as the Dark Lords personal Imperious! Me! You're hands are clean and you-
"I'm the one who poisoned the fucking wine!" He roared, shoving his hands violently through his hair. "I poisoned the wine that almost killed the fucking weasel! So, do you still think that your bloody perfect boyfriend is still going to be so forgiving?!"
"You… You what?" She asked, her eyes growing wide.
"I took the mead to Rosemerta when Blaise and I went to Hogsmeade before Christmas! I put her under an Imperious curse and told her to sell the wine to that idiot Slughorn. Told her to convince him that it would be a good gift to Dumbledore. I didn't expect the moron to keep the damn bottle!"
She shook her head. "No. Draco… Why on earth would you do that?! What were you thinking?!"
"What was I thinking?! HA!" He laughed. "Are you serious?! Ellie, you were so far up Potter's arse I had to figure something out! You had stopped helping me with the cabinet, and I knew if I went back to the Manor empty handed… Without any type of progress… What was I supposed to do?"
"Not poison a bottle of mead and perform unforgiveables on barmaids, Draco!" She shouted. "How could you be so stupid?!"
"Me?!" He rounded on her, taking furious strides until he was shouting in her face. "How the fuck could you be so stupid?! How could you tell Potter? How could you put us both at risk? You didn't even stop to fucking think about what that would do! What he is going to do when he finds out! How-
"Don't you dare, Draco!" She pointed a finger at him, digging it into his chest. "You have no idea the thoughts that have been going through my head for weeks. I almost died! You tortured me, remember! You took the mark first, willingly! You got us into this mess to start with!"
He smacked her hand away from his chest and grimaced, his face wrinkled in disgust. "You know I had no choice!"
"That's the problem, Draco!" She threw her hands up in frustration. "We've always thought there was no choice, but there is! There is! And we don't have to do this!"
"Maybe you have no sense of duty to our family, but I do. Father is gone, and it's my responsibility to-
"To what? It's your responsibility to do what, Draco? Die for something you don't even believe in?" She looked up at him, her chest heaving with angry breaths. Her eyes searched his face, trying to find something, anything to explain what he was saying.
"You don't understand." Draco said, his tone calming and his voice quieting. "It's not about what I believe, Ellie. It's about what happens after all of this. Whatever is coming… It's going to be huge. And I'm not going to come out of it unscathed, even if I live. I'll be cast to the side and chucked into Azkaban to rot next to father."
"Not if you don't do this. If you stop taking orders, stop working to let the Death Eaters into the castle, we can get out. We can get out together. Emiliana Zabini offered me safe house! We can go there together!"
He shook his head. "I've accepted my fate, El. I'm going to die trying to restore our name. They've taken so much from us already. Our father, our home… They can't have that too. It may not be important to you, but it is to me."
She closed her eyes and hung her head. "I can't convince you." She said. "You've already made up your mind?" She looked up to him, locking identical silver gazes.
"Yes."
She nodded, chewing her bottom lip. "Then I'm done here. I'm done helping, I'm done talking, I'm done…being here for you. I love you but I won't watch you kill yourself out of stubbornness."
She gave him one last long look, straightened her robes, and turned around. She walked out of the room without a backward glance.
A few days was all it took. A few days of understanding what her actions had done, of listening to her own emotions instead of throwing them to the side for the betterment of her family. A few days of chewing over what Draco had suggested- that it was her own practice of her abilities that had strengthened them and not the Dark Lord. A few days, and she had made the decision that she would be the person she wanted to be, even if that meant turning her back on her brother. On her parents.
She climbed into her bed when she reached the girl's dormitories and pulled out the thick volume she had snagged from the restricted section. She would need to start deciphering the Runes on her own. She needed to figure out her connection to Voldemort, the hold he (possibly) had on her magic, and she needed to figure it out quick.
.
.
a/n: Whew, a lot going on here, I know. But can we just agree that it's ABOUT DAMN TIME.
I contemplated splitting this into two separate chapters, and then said fuck it and made it one, I hope that's okay. I know it's a lot all at once. I also would like to mention that I realize the timing/order of things happening is a little off (in terms of canon events) but I need the timeline to work for my story, so... sorry?
*****Songs to listen to for contemplating after the chapter? It Ends Tonight by The All American Rejects and Don't Wanna Fight by Alabama Shakes
please let me know what you think about this one. I'm aware it's pretty much all dialogue, but my stories are dialogue heavy anyway... I spent a long time trying to decide the right way for each person to handle these revelations and I'm hoping it all came across right. I don't have a beta to slap me around when it sounds ridiculous (perhaps I should get one, but we've made it this far!) so I rely on you all to tell me what you think!
Stay safe out there!
xo
Mimi
