Chapter 33: Lonely Thoughts

April 1st


The end of March came quickly, with it the excitement and buzz around apparition testing, fifth years getting ready to take their O.W.L's and anxiety surrounding the end of term. The library seemed packed all the time and Elara had become completely dependent on her potion in the last week to deal with the crowds of students studying and panicking over their marks.

"Is this time of year always this… emotional?" Elara asked Hermione as they sat a small table in the corner of the Restricted Section of the Library.

Hermione looked up from a thick volume she was skimming and nodded. "Students trying to make up for skiving off the entire year. It's ridiculous. Honestly, if they would just prioritize a few hours a day to their studies, no one would be in this panic!"

Elara chuckled. "I don't think anyone else enjoys academics quite as much as us."

"I suppose not." Hermione agreed. "I found something interesting here…" She pointed to the passage she was reading. "According to this, Empaths had been around for millennia, but they're pretty rare. Most empaths don't have a lot of ability outside of feeling someone else's emotion. But there's another type of Empath called the Zenith Empath. They're believed to be the most powerful Empaths, able to manipulate and control emotion based responses in other people and objects."

"That sounds familiar." Elara said, looking over Hermione's shoulder to the Runic text she was deciphering.

"The natural enemy of an empath is a true narcissist. Someone who only feels emotion for themselves and someone who is completely self-serving. This person would be able to completely control an Empath's abilities."

Elara sat back in her chair, her brows furrowing together. "Do you think the Dark Lord is a true Narcissist?"

"Can you think of anything more self-serving than he is?" Hermione asked, arching an eyebrow. "That could be how he's been able to manipulate you and your abilities. He gives off only the emotion he wants you to feel, otherwise, he's a blank slate."

"So, you don't think it has anything to do with Dark Magic in me?" Elara asked. "My magical center…"

"I think he's put some rather dangerous thoughts in your head to make you believe whatever was necessary to get what he wanted from you."

Elara nodded slowly, blinking several times. "But why would my abilities have strengthened? If it wasn't his magic?"

Hermione placed a piece of parchment in the book and closed it, folding her hands and setting them on top of the cover. "I think that was all you. You felt like they had strengthened because he told you they would. Muggles have something similar when taking medications, it's called the placebo effect. You give one person a working medicine, and one person a sugar pill. They both report that they feel better because one person actually feels better, and one person believes they should because they were given the medicine."

"But over time, that person would realize they aren't actually better, right?" Elara asked.

"Of course." Hermione said. "But how long that takes depends on how strong the belief is. It didn't take you very long to figure out that Voldemort was trying to use you by getting into your head."

"He's playing my own game against me." Elara said.

"Essentially, yes." Hermione agreed. "I've marked the passage I deciphered here." She motioned to the parchment tucked into the book. "You may want to read through it. I did think of something while reading though, a different avenue to explore here that may provide answers."

"Let's hear it then!" Elara said.

"The muggles centuries ago believed in an Egyptian Goddess called Maat. She was believed to be "The Truth". The keeper of truth, morality, justice, order… She was believed to be the keeper of the stars and the changer of seasons. Anyway, a lot of the lore surrounding her and her counterpart, Isfet, shows a lot of connection to Zenith Empaths and True Narcissists. It's an ancient muggle belief, but it could shed some light on your abilities. Perhaps even offer more than the magical texts we've gone through. Muggles love this kind of stuff, it's the closest to magic they get- the lore of it."

Elara nodded. "I'll see what I can dig up on it."

Hermione began packing away her notes and ink as Elara followed suit. She hated the awkwardness that hung heavy between them now. She had truly enjoyed her friendship with Hermione and was sad to see it fade from her mistakes.

"Hermione?" She called, standing up and putting the straps of her bag over her shoulders.

"Yes?"

"Thank you for helping me. I know you don't have to. And I know you're only doing it because Harry asked you to, but I appreciate it. I… I've missed studying and talking with you."

Hermione smiled kindly at her. "I'm not doing it because Harry asked me. I'm doing it because you were my friend too… Are my friend. I want to trust you again, so I'm going to help you where I can."

Elara smiled, feeling overwhelmed by the generosity of the Gryffindor girl standing beside her. "Thank you." She said again, hoping that she could prove herself worthy of the effort.


Elara sat at the table by herself for supper. Draco hadn't turned up for any meals in over a week and she was tired of finding excuses for him when their friends would ask. Pansy had nearly been beside herself at breakfast that morning, bombarding Elara with questions of his whereabouts and why he had been so distant with everyone.

She sighed in slight irritation when Blaise sat next to her.

"Eating alone?" He asked, piling his plate with roasted chicken and potatoes.

"I was trying to." She said, pursing her lips in annoyance.

He laughed. "Oh, don't act that way with me. I know Draco's hiding from the world because he's upset with you. I'm not here to question you about him."

She arched an eyebrow as she put a forkful in her mouth. "Oh?" she asked. "Then why are you here?"

"Because you're my friend and you're eating alone." He said and obvious tone to his voice. "Besides rumor has it you're talking to Potter again."

She rolled her eyes. "There it is." She said.

"I'm not here to pry. Just wondering if it was true. You know, you can't always trust what you hear, especially not when it comes from Pansy or Millicent." He shook his head. "They sure like to get into the gossip."

She snorted. "That's an understatement."

"So?" He asked, swallowing a mouthful before continuing. "You and Potter back together then?"

"No." She said, pushing her plate away from her and patting her napkin to her lips. "We aren't."

"You've been talking though? How's that working out for you?"

"Say what you mean, Blaise." She said, losing patience.

He smirked. "You go back and forth about him for the longest time. Finally decide you like the bloke, and then you dump him. And now you're talking to him again? After… everything?" He eyed her arm, the spot her Dark Mark was hidden by her sleeve.

She sighed. "I told him."

"Told him?" Blaise asked, his eyebrows going into his hairline.

"I told him everything." Elara said. "All the lies, the mark… I told him everything."

Blaise studied her for a minute, a contemplative look on his face. Slowly, he took another bite of his food and swallowed. "That's why Draco's upset with you. You didn't just tell Potter, you told Draco."

She chewed her bottom lip and nodded, taking a sip from her goblet. Her tongue darted out, collecting the spare droplets of cranberry juice from her lips as she looked at him.

"What are you going to do?" Blaise asked. "Summer is coming, you'll have to go home soon."

She shrugged. "Haven't got that far." She said. "My mother gave me this bracelet," She held up her wrist to show Blaise the emerald and diamond bracelet. "It's supposed to help protect me. And your mum gave me-

"The portkey." He nodded. "Yeah, I know. Are you going to use it? Stay at the property in Italy?"

She sighed, looking down into her lap. "I don't know. If I do, it could implicate you and your mum. If they came looking for me and something happened… I could never forgive myself for that."

"You'd better figure it out, El." He said, taking a large swig from his goblet. "It's only going to get more difficult the longer you put it off."

"I know." She said. "But Draco…" She stared off for a moment.

"Draco can handle himself. He's made his own decisions, the same as you. You're choosing to get out, he could too."

She shook her head. "He won't listen to me."

"Then leave without him."

She turned her face to Blaise in shock. "He'll die!"

He shrugged. "We're all going to die sooner or later. I love the bloke, he's one of my best mates, besides you of course. But if he keeps following in Lucius's footsteps, that's on him."

"That's cruel."

"It's true." He said. "Sometimes the truth is cruel, and it hurts. I'm sure you're finding that out."

She nodded slowly as her eyes roamed the hall and landed on Harry. Her heart ached and her stomach twisted at the thought of everything that had transpired in the last two weeks. Of everything she had come clean about. She had expected it to feel… good. To finally come forward and be honest with Harry about everything. But instead, she found herself more anxious than before. Being truthful with Harry had put a strain on the already tattered relationship and it was painful.

"How can you say you love him, and in the same breath tell me to leave him behind?" Elara asked, her eyes still watching Harry as he ate.

"Easily." Blaise said, swallowing his last bite of food. "Besides, the rate he's going… Starving himself and not sleeping… He'll be dead by the end of term, anyway."

Elara pulled her gaze from Harry and looked at Blaise, a serious expression on her face. "That isn't funny, Blaise."

"I'm not joking, am I?" He shrugged. "He's not well. You know that though, that's why you're eating alone."

"I can't keep going to help him." She whispered. "I have to be done with him. He has to figure it out for himself!"

"The way I look at it," Blaise said, piling a clean plate with cake and fruit. "He's got two options. Get himself killed or kill himself. Lately, it seems like he's opting for the latter."

Silence fell over them as Blaise finished his dessert and Elara remained still, lost in thought. Of course, she had been worried about Draco. She had barely seen him since she told him she was done for good. She had passed him once in the common room, and he had refused to look at her. He'd been skipping his classes even more frequently than usual and she was sure if he didn't start showing up soon, he was going to end up getting expelled.

Blaise was right. He was killing himself. He was running himself into the ground with fear and blatant disregard for his wellbeing. He was so obsessed with that blasted cabinet… It had been the center of every interaction they had the entire year.

She couldn't fault him, though. He was scared. He was terrified for his life and she had basically told him she didn't care anymore. She felt sick as the guilt crept through her, churning her stomach and pushing the acid into the back of her throat. She had chosen her side. She had decided that being truthful with Harry, with herself was more important. She swallowed the lump in her throat and looked to Blaise, meeting his eyes with an intense gaze.

"I gave him the option to come with me. I tried to reason with him. He said it was his responsibility. His duty. If he wants to continue this, he has to do it on his own."

Blaise seemed to consider her a moment before a wry smile tugged his lips. "Good to see you sticking to it, then." He sighed and gave his belly a pat. "I ate too much."

Elara sniggered. "You're a bottomless pit most of the time, I'm surprised you can tell."

"I take offense to that! I'm a growing, young lad!" He laughed.

Elara leaned into Blaise, bumping his shoulder with her own and sighed. "Have you tried talking to him? Maybe he'll listen…"

Blaise shook his head. "He doesn't want to listen to me, Ellie. Believe me, I've tried. He's told me to bugger off, in not such kind words. You can't save someone who doesn't want it."

"I dare say, you may have been sorted into the wrong house, Zabini." She chuckled. "I almost think you're rather wise sometimes."

"Ah, wisdom comes in many forms." He smirked. "Mine just so happens to be accompanied by devilish good looks and a cunning tongue."

She rolled her eyes and playfully shoved him. "And so humble." She joked.

"A man of many talents." He laughed, stretching his arms above his head and then stood from his spot next to her. "I've got to go. I'm meeting Alannis at the pitch for a little… one on one practice." He waggled his eyebrows.

She rolled her eyes. "Have fun with that."

"Oh, I will." He said. He bent down and placed a quick kiss on her cheek. "I won't spend the time trying to convince him to do the right thing anymore. He doesn't want to listen. I suggest you continue doing the same. I know he's your brother, but you have to worry about yourself, too."

With that, he gave her shoulder a light squeeze and walked from the hall. Elara sighed. She knew there was no sense in wishing things were different. Wishing that Draco would listen to her and get himself out was a pipe dream at this point. He couldn't see through his fear, through his worry for their parents.

She was scared for them. She couldn't pretend as if she weren't. But something had changed in her when she had begun to have feelings for Harry. It was like she was addicted to the goodness in him, to his innate ability to always do the right thing, no matter how it hurt him. Harry was so self-sacrificing it was almost insane, the exact opposite of the self-preservation she had been brought up to value. She wanted to be good like that. She wanted to be someone people could look upon with fondness instead of hurling insults at her in the streets. She wanted to prove that she could be more than what her name suggested. More than the mark on her arm suggested.


Draco sat alone, leaning his back against the vanishing cabinet, his elbows propped up on his knees and his head in his hands. It had been over two weeks since Elara had revealed she had told Potter everything, that she had no intentions of helping him continue and that he was on his own.

He had never felt so alone.

His entire life, he had someone at his side. Growing up, he and Elara were inseparable. They were almost always together, they even shared a room until their father suggested it was no longer appropriate, that they were getting too old to share a bed every night. They were eight when they finally separated into their own bedrooms and even after, Elara slept in his room most nights.

Even when he came to Hogwarts at eleven, he had friends. Blaise, Crabbe and Goyle… Even Pansy and Theo! He was always in the middle of a group, laughing and making fun of Saint Potter and his Red Weasel. And then when he went home for Christmas or Summer holiday, Elara was there, ready to listen to his stories of the year. They would play one on one Quidditch and read together in the gardens. She would hum along with whatever song was in her head as she tended the plants, always giving him a piece of her mind when he would joke with her about her unnatural attachment to them or teased her for humming.

He missed her humming now.

Blaise had come to him a week ago, explaining to him that there was room at his place over the summer, that he could join him there and get away from everything. That he could get out, and he and Ellie could both be safe. He was angry with Ellie still, just the mention of her name from his friend made him see red and he had told him to fuck off.

"If you're choosing to die, that's on you. Not me, not Ellie. Remember that." Blaise had said when he walked out of the dormitory.

Draco laughed cynically to himself. He could never forget it. He had tried. He had tried to blame Ellie, Potter, Dumbledore, Snape… he even reasoned that it was The Dark Lord or his parents fault that he was in the position he was in.

Because ultimately, it was their fault, wasn't it? If his father hadn't been so devoted during the first war, he would have never been expected to return to his side. He was younger then, of course, but now? He could have kept out of it. At the very least he could have been successful, and then Draco wouldn't be in this mess. He wouldn't have had to take the Dark Mark just to prove his family remained loyal. He wouldn't have had to agree to fix this damn cabinet that he could never get working… He wouldn't have had to torture Ellie on the floor of their dining room.

His stomach clenched at the memory. The way her body jerked and seized, her screams ringing through his ears, the laughter of the Dark Lord behind him as he sobbed for his sister. For himself. Her eyes haunted his dreams; the desperation in them to remain silent turning to silver pools of terror as she looked up at him from the floor…

And now he was alone. Alone to deal with his nightmares and the resentment that plagued him. Alone to try and restore what little he could of his family's name to the Dark Lord in hopes that it would be enough. That they might be spared if he continued to finish the task successfully. That his mother, coping by taking tonics and pretending like nothing was happening, would be safe. That their father would one day see his name restored to what it had once been, long ago.

He scrubbed his face with his hands and ran them through his hair, resting his fingers against the back of his neck. His eyes burned with exhaustion and his body ached. He looked down at his watch, he had missed lunch again. He sighed. When had he last eaten? He thought hard, trying to remember when he had last felt hungry. The fog in his brain stopped his thoughts, his mind was too hazy to pinpoint something so specific. It had been days, he was sure. He hadn't slept more than a thirty minute nap in almost a week. He'd barely showered.

He was falling apart, slowly and painfully, and he knew it. Without Elara to push him to take care of himself, without Blaise bothering him to leave… He couldn't keep himself together anymore.

"Fucking Potter." He cursed out loud, his voice hoarse from lack of use.

It was his fault. Stupid fucking Saint Potter. If he would have never gotten involved with Elara, never set his self-righteous hands to her, she would be here. She would still be helping, be trying to keep their family together and alive and safe. She would be comforting him and telling him off and humming her incessant little songs.

If it weren't for Potter, Draco would have never had to torture his beautiful, kind sister on the dining room floor. She would have never felt compelled to defy the Dark Lord, he may have even spared her the Mark, allowed her leniency for being a silly, young witch. He may have been merciful toward her. But now, there would be no mercy. She had defied him twice. She would actively work against him now, and all for the love of Harry fucking Potter.

Draco clenched his teeth, his anger tearing through him again. His stomach clenched in hunger and he stood, immediately feeling dizzy and nauseous. He needed to eat. If he hurried, he could make it to the Great Hall in time to grab supper.

OOOOOO

Elara was pulled from her thoughts as a draft kicked up around her, sending a small shiver through her spine. The Great Hall had nearly cleared of the crowds of students and most of the professors had retired for the evening. She looked up to see Harry walking toward her. She looked at him in confusion when he took a seat next to her at the Slytherin table.

"Harry?" She asked. "What are you-

"I've thought about it." Harry declared, looking at her with a strange look in his eyes. She couldn't place where his emotions were at and she silently cursed herself for taking the potion that dampened her abilities.

"Thought about what?" She asked, her eyes flickering over his face as she tried to read him.

"All of it." He stated, pulling his brows together as he tried to convey his thoughts in words. "I think I believe you. Everything you've said, all the questions you've answered… I think you're being truthful."

She nodded. "I am." She agreed. "But?"

He shook his head. "No buts. I want to believe you, so I do."

He said it as if it was the simplest thing he's ever said. Elara felt her mouth go dry and she darted her tongue out, wetting her lips and then swallowed. It made her nervous. She had been trying for over two weeks to prove to Harry that she was being honest. She had answered every question he asked, she had stopped talking to Draco. She had confided in Hermione. She had even offered to turn herself over to Dumbledore, to admit to everything to him and deal with whatever punishment she was given.

She was elated that Harry could see that she was trying, that she was being honest. But it still didn't explain why he had come over to her, at the Slytherin table to talk to her about it. It didn't explain the apparent urgency she was getting from him, as if he had to say all of this right now before he talked himself out of it.

"Okay…" She said, apprehension apparent in her voice.

"I want to help you with your dueling still, we need to continue that. You're getting better, but it's not where it needs to be."

"Needs to be for what?" She asked, thoroughly confused.

He sighed. "Ellie, where do you plan on going when the term is over?"

She looked at him for a moment and shrugged. "I hadn't really thought about it much. I've been invited to stay at one of Blaise's properties… Maybe there. I may try and see if I can stay at our lakehouse in France, I was supposed to go there if I didn't start here this term, anyway. And I could always-

Harry held up a hand, cutting her off. "What if I find a place for you to stay until the start of next term? Someplace I know you'll be safe?"

"And where would that be?" She asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I can't tell you really. But we have a safehouse, you may be able to stay there. Or with another member of the Order. I could make sure you have all of your supplies you would need when you come back for the next term, that way you don't have to worry about getting them from the Manor. I have more money than I know what to do with, so I could pay for anything new you would need."

"You want me to stay with an Order member?" She asked. "With this… thing on my arm? You don't think they'd lock me in a cellar?"

He chuckled. "No. Not if I talked to them, told them what happened. You may have to submit to questioning with Veritaserum, but I think they'd listen."

"Why?" She asked. "Not that I'm not grateful, but why are you helping me like this? I told you, I can go to Blaise's."

"Because apparently like it or not I still love you and I can't go the entire summer wondering if you're safe…"

"Like it or not?" She asked, a coy smile tugging at her lips.

He sighed, running a hand through his messy hair. "I tried to be angry. I was angry. But…" He trailed off, looking somewhere past her, lost in his own thoughts. She could feel his confusion now, his trepidation.

"It's okay that you're angry with me, Harry." She said, lightly placing a hand on his arm.

He looked where her hand rested and slowly covered it with his own, giving it a gentle squeeze. "I don't know what's going to happen between now and September. But it feels big." He explained. "I feel like we're right on the edge of something huge and I…" He quieted again, slowly exhaling a breath that tickled her hand.

"Are you okay?" She asked, moving his chin gently with her forefinger, urging his eyes to look into hers. She searched his eyes for a glimpse of anything that would clue her into what he was feeling. To give her more than just the small glimpses of emotion he was allowing to spill out. She recognized the look behind his eyes, it was one similar to Snape and Draco. He had been practicing his Occlumency around her, it seemed.

"I'm just…" He sighed again, his eyes dropping their gaze and staring down at her hand on his arm. "I'm worried. I'm worried that you'll change your mind again and go back to them. That your mark will burn and call you to them and you'll have to go."

"If you want me to stay somewhere you choose, I will." She decided. "I'll do anything I can, Harry. I'll help where you need me to, I'll stay out of the way. I'll practice dueling every day… I know I can't make it up to you, not really. But I'll try. I'll do whatever I can."

The words seemed simple, as she said them. But she meant them. She knew in that moment that she really would do whatever it took to gain his trust back, she would follow him to the ends of the earth if it meant that he would look at her the way he used to, instead of walking on eggshells near her. She'd cut her own arm off to rid herself of that hellish blemish on her skin if it meant she could prove that she was done with them, that she was doing what was right for once in her life.

She closed her eyes for a moment and opened them when she was suddenly enveloped in a rush of confused anger. She looked at Harry, who was still staring at her with worry on his face. And then she saw him, just beyond Harry's shoulder a few meters away at the entrance of the Hall.

Draco stood, watching them carefully. She could see his chest rising in controlled, even breaths. He looked crazed. His hair was hanging in his eyes, his skin was nearly grey and his face look hollowed. She had never before seen her brother looking so sickly. An accusing fury over took her senses as he locked his gaze on hers and she watched his face pull in a disgusted sneer.

"We should go." She said, returning her line of sight to Harry.

She had a bad feeling about this. A very strange knot churned her gut as she stood, ushering Harry from the bench. She looked at Draco one last time as she passed by him, and could feel his grieving fury wash over her. He was royally put off with her, angrier than she could ever remember him being toward her. He said nothing as they passed, just tightened his jaw and moved forward toward the table, taking a spot on the bench and hastily grabbing a plate.

She followed Harry as he walked out of the castle's main doors and into the cool night air. They sat on the steps and looked out over the grounds of the entrance. "Can I ask you something?" Harry said, resting his back against the stone wall.

Elara nodded, placing her feet on the stair below her and resting her hands in her lap. "Yeah, of course."

"When Voldemort was in your head… How did you know it wasn't actually happening? How did you know he had forced his way into your mind?"

She looked at Harry carefully, chewing over the question. "I just knew." She said, finally. "I could tell he was in my head. It was like I could feel him worming his way through my thoughts, digging his nails into the toxic feelings I've had."

Harry gave a curt nod and seemed to be considering her answer. A long pause hung between them before he finally spoke, his voice barely audible. "He gets into my head sometimes." He said. "He used to do it a lot last year. That's how I ended up at the Ministry… He put false images in my head of Sirius… "

He was quiet again, clearly reliving the very painful memory and Elara sat, still and quiet as she waited for him to continue. She looked at her hands, picking at her nails and chewed her lip. He knew what it was like. That's why he had asked her so many questions, why he wanted to know every detail of every lie. Every detail of the deal she had made with Voldemort. He knew how terrifying it was to have him in his head.

"Snape taught me Occlumency, last year." He continued. "I'm rubbish at it. But I use it a lot… Especially since…" Again he tapered off, looking at her nervously.

"Since I altered your memory?" She asked.

He nodded. "When you told me that you had been in my head like that, I didn't want to take the chance that you would do it again. So, I've been using it. But it's exhausting." He chuckled a bit. "It's hard to keep myself closed off from you."

"Harry, I will never enter your mind again without your permission. You have to know that. I will never get into your head if you don't want me there. I know I've apologized a million times, and I know it's only a word and it'll never be enough, but I'm sorry. I'm sorry I did that to you."

"I want to forgive you, Ellie. It's just going to take some time."

She nodded, her eyes blurring as she stared over the grounds at nothing in particular. She could accept that. She desperately wanted his forgiveness, but knew it would take time to achieve. She had hoped that answering all of his questions and being open with him would show she was worthy of his forgiveness. But he was talking to her now, more than just when they practiced dueling or his questioning of her. He had approached her, extended emotion to her, been honest with her about his uncertainty. That had to account for something, right? She hoped it did, anyway.

.


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a/n: Hello! I took a few days on this one, but honestly, I had to take a little break from writing. I was losing momentum. But, never fear! I have blasted out the next chapter and started on number 35! I know this one feels a lot like filler again, but I promise, there's importance to it, especially come the next chapter.

***Song for contemplation: Getaway by Elli Ingram****

I always enjoy your reviews! So please, keep them coming! You know it fuels me! Also, thank you for favoriting and following! Seriously, you guys really know how to make a girl feel good!

A little warning: the next chapter is a biggin. So make sure you keep your eye out for it. I should be posting it on sunday!

Anyway, stay safe out there folks.

xo

-Mimi