Chapter 13: It's my fault, I know I'm selfish; scream and yell, but I feel speechless
Quentin:
He had been worried from the moment Laurel had called him to ask if he had heard anything from the Queen siblings. That they were supposed to be at the Bunker with them but never showed and couldn't be reached on their cell phones either. When she then went on to tell him, she couldn't reach her sister either, he had trouble keeping his emotions in check and out of his voice. His first born was already worried enough there was no need to let her know that he was terrified about what might have happened to his youngest now. His pregnant daughter couldn't be reached, neither could her roommate, who he presumed was the unborn child's father, or his sister. He would be very concerned under normal circumstances, even knowing that all three were quite capable of taking care of themselves even in dangerous situations, he had lost his baby too many times not to be, but knowing her current condition just amplified that concern and took it to a level he never knew even existed.
So, he told Laurel that he would go over to their place and check up on them. He had planned to visit them soon, anyway.
The drive over there felt like one of the longest of his life and it was very difficult for him to not go over the speed limit and stay concentrated on the road and not on all the countless possibilities of the type of situation he might end up encountering once he arrived at his destination. A couple of decades as a cop was not helpful in circumstances like this, he had seen too much to keep his imagination from painting all kinds of horrible, gruesome scenes involving his pregnant baby girl and both Queen siblings.
He parked the car and got up to the top floor in record time. He didn't know what he had expected to walk in to, but it wasn't an open door. Neither Sara nor Oliver would ever leave the entrance door to their home unlocked, even less open. And certainly not as wide as it was. It looked like someone had used a great deal of force and amount of strength to open it.
Had someone broken into their apartment? Had they been attacked? His years of being a member of the police force kicked in automatically and he started to analyze the possible crime scene, making sure not to touch or disturb any potential evidence. He carefully stepped inside, part of him wishing he were still carrying a firearm. He had only just stepped into his younger daughter's home, Sara's home, she had actually a place to call home for the first time since she got on that damn yacht ten years ago; he put the thought and any that could follow it, out of his mind for the time being, storing them to be analyzed later, when Thea Queen stepped into his sight, that Allen kid from Central City following her down the corridor and towards him.
He rushed towards her, his trained eyes checking her over for any signs of a struggle or injuries, all the while bombarding her with questions. The meaning behind her words only registering with him after he had ensured that she was in fact fine, like she told him. If Thea was fine and Oliver was fine… that meant Sara was the one who wasn't fine. Sara was the reason why no one had been able to reach the Queen's. Once the thought that something was seriously wrong enough with his daughter, that neither of the siblings would answer their phones, was processed in his mind, his parental instincts kicked in and he tried to get past Thea, to where he assumed his daughter was.
Just to have the tiny brunette stop him with a soft touch to his arm. Promising that she would explain everything to them in the living room. Sara was being taken care of by Oliver and Dr. Snow. There was nothing he could do for her right now. His eyes traveled back to Thea, passing the kid and once again to the hallway behind them before he decided to do as he was asked and walk in the direction Thea had motioned to.
Quentin decided to sit down on the armchair, slightly to the side, which gave him the chance to both see outside to the balcony and the surrounding city on one side and the entrance to the living room on the other. He was surprised about how a randomly placed armchair seemed to be positioned in such a strategic location in the living room. He had to grudgingly admit, even if only to himself, that it took him a moment to come to the realization that the placement of the armchair was probably not by chance or accident. That it was purposely done by Oliver and Sara. He let his eyes travel around the room after that, taking in the place his child chose to call her home.
The way the furniture was placed around the room looked strange and peculiar at first glance or to someone who didn't know who was living here. It looked random. But he only had to let his eyes roam the room twice to notice that none of it was random, just like the armchair had not been placed randomly. The furniture was placed in a way that ensured no matter where you chose to sit, you could always see all the possible ways to enter the room, including the balcony. There was a wall behind every piece of furniture you could sit on, ensuring that no one could sneak up on you from behind, while you were relaxing, unsuspecting and therefore vulnerable. Every single piece of furniture in their living room was strategically placed to prevent anyone from attacking them unawares. This newfound knowledge made him frown and worry. This did not seem healthy and was something he decided he needed to address at a later point in time.
He concentrated on Thea as soon as she started to speak and recount the events that had led to this moment. What he heard concerned him greatly. He had suspected that they weren't doing as well as they pretended to, but he had never thought it would be this bad. He had realized what could only have been referred to as codependency between Sara and Oliver that afternoon at Laurel's, but it now sounded as if it were a lot more extreme than he had first thought.
It was easy to detect the distress and guilt in the young woman and Quentin was quick to ensure her that none of this was her fault and she was not to blame for any of it.
"Thea… this is not your fault. Oliver was bound to leave Sara alone at some point." His voice was firm but kind. Thea nodded halfheartedly, and he knew that she was not agreeing with him. But there wasn't much more he could do about it. Maybe Oliver and Sara telling her the same thing later on would do the job.
All three of them descended into silence after that. Letting everything they've seen or learnt settle and leaving the others to their own thoughts.
He was still trying to wrap his mind around everything that Thea had told him and had happened in the last two weeks since the two blondes return home. He wasn't sure how long they've sat in silence when Dr. Snow entered the living room.
"Barry, do you still have the list I gave you in Central? I need to change a few things and add some more, and then I need you to get it for me." She walked towards the Allen kid who was handing her a piece of paper that he removed from his pants pocket and a pen that had been lying on the living room table. The woman entrusted with his baby's health was scribbling some things on it and handing it back to the boyish man.
"Okay, this should be everything. It's really important that you get the exact product. Which should be no problem. You can get most of it at Star Labs. Thank you!" Caitlin Snow's voice was serious and firm and yet she managed to convey gratefulness and kindness, not an easy feat. It was not hard for him to see why Oliver chose her to tend to Sara. Her calm, professional mannerism and her kind nature would speak to Sara and put her at ease whereas someone else would probably fail.
Barry took a quick glance at the paper and then was off in a flash, no pun intended.
He was back before they knew it, handing the Doctor a cart full of what looked like medical supplies.
"This is everything you asked for." He told her while pushing it towards her.
"Thank you!" She took the handle from him and walked back out of the living room, taking her supplies with her.
The Allen kid had left a while ago, after receiving a phone call, telling them to let Caitlin or Oliver know, to call him if they needed anything or if there was something he could do.
Thea decided a couple of minutes ago that she would go make sure that there wasn't anything they needed. Like maybe something to drink. Quentin was still sitting in the same armchair. Wondering about the place his daughter called her home for the first time in years. Worrying about her and what was going on with her and hoping that she would be okay.
He was pulled from his thoughts when Oliver walked into the room. The sight surprised him, he'd been here for hours but the young man had never left his daughter's side. Until now.
He looked exhausted. There were dark circles under his eyes and he looked paler than usual. He looked… small. Which was a weird word to use to describe the tall man. But he looked rather small and reminded him of the young boy he had first met over twenty years ago.
"How is she?" Oliver turned his head towards him and looked taken by surprise.
"Quentin. Hi. She's… she's better, doing okay. Caitlin and Thea are with her. They thought, and Sara agreed, that I could use some fresh air." Oliver sounded as tired as he looked and rather unhappy about the decision that the women made for him.
"Can you elaborate a little more? I'd like to be prepared to answer the question my lawyer daughter will be asking without doubt. She's been worried sick about the three of you. I'd like to be ready for the cross-examination." He tried to add some humor to lighten the mood a little. It seemed to backfire.
"You're planning on telling Laurel? I'd have to ask you not to do that. Please." Oliver gave him a stern look.
He couldn't believe what Oliver was asking him to do, even less after he just told the man that his older daughter was worried sick about her sister and both him and his younger sister. And he was asking him not to tell her what was going on with Sara? His look must have given his incredulity away.
"Laurel would only blame herself for what's going on with Sara. And Sara doesn't want that. She doesn't want Laurel to feel responsible for what she's going through. She's not blaming her, so she doesn't see the point in Laurel doing exactly that. She knows that Laurel's heart was in the right place, that she was only trying to give her another chance at life. A life that she felt was taken too soon. I ask you to please respect Sara's wishes and not tell Laurel. She never meant for anyone to know how much she's struggling…"
"You mean anyone but you? She never meant for anyone but you to know how much she's struggling." He knew that his tone was bitter, but why wouldn't it be? Oliver still seemed to think he knew what was best for his family and that it was his right to decide who deserved to know what. Not to forget the fact that he was currently keeping him from his daughter and at the same time speaking for her.
Oliver rubbed his hands over his face again. He seemed exasperated and close to his breaking point. The question was, what was going to happen when the younger man broke. Would he lose his temper? As he was known to do. Or would he flee, which was also a tactic he was known to use to avoid a conversation or confrontation he didn't feel like having. And then there was the tiniest chance that he would actually relent to whatever demand his opponent made.
"Look, Quentin, I'm… I'll answer any of your questions as well as I can without betraying Sara's trust. Just please don't tell Laurel. I just need… just give me a couple… I just need to make one phone call. Sara's been asking for her mom. I need to call Dinah. Sara's been asking for her, she needs her here right now. She needs her mom. Just let me call her and then… we can talk after." Oliver seemed desperate and determined to get Sara's mother here. Quentin nodded to let the younger man know that it was fine, he could wait a little longer, he's already been waiting for hours as it was. If his baby wanted her mom, that's who she was going to get, and Oliver appeared to be on the same page as him, in this regard at least.
He watched the man, he had so many conflicting emotions about, step outside onto the balcony and put his phone to his ear as soon as he had closed the door behind himself.
The former detective watched Oliver from inside the living room. He had walked all the way to the railing. His back towards him, and yet he was easy to read for once. His shoulders were tense, yet he was slightly hunched over the railing at the edge of the balcony. He moved his hand over his face on several occasions. Once he hung up and stored the phone in his back pocket, he hunched over the railing and dropped his head into his hands. Part of Quentin felt bad for the young man he had known for most of his life, and just wanted to comfort him. But the other part, the part that still blamed him for every bad thing that has happened to either of his daughters, and Sara especially, from the moment they had set foot on the Queen's Gambit, wanted to confront him about what was going on with his daughter and demand the answers he was so desperately seeking. Including the explanation as to how exactly he ended up becoming a grandfather. He expected more from them, especially Oliver after William and everything that has happened from the moment the older Queen had learnt about the boy's existence. A child was the last thing either of the two needed in their lives. He was even more sure of it after everything he had learnt tonight. They should have known better. They should've been more careful. Or just kept their hands from each other. You'd think they would've learnt by now. Nothing good ever came out of Oliver and Sara getting involved. Which brought him back to the question, were they involved? Oliver better get his act together and step up to be the man and father that both Sara and the baby needed and deserved.
He reigned his spiraling thoughts back in and decided to join Oliver outside to talk to him. The door between them and the living room would provide them with the privacy he was looking for.
"Oliver… Is Dinah coming?" He decided to not go to a direct attack and to ease into the conversation instead. He would probably get more out of Oliver this way. Oliver tended to close up and attack if he was confronted and ended up feeling threated. So, he decided to go with the question with the easiest answer. He was sure she was coming. She had made good of the promise she had made him almost three years ago. When she told him she wasn't going to disappear again, that she would be there for the girls and him. So, there was no question in his mind whether she would come, knowing that their youngest and predominantly absent daughter had asked for her.
"She'll be here as fast as she can. She'll let the college know that she's taking some personal days because of an urgent family matter." Oliver slowly turned towards him. He sounded both relieved, but also exhausted. He ran his hands over his face again before crossing them in front of his chest, leaning his back against the banister.
"I guess you're here for the answers I promised you. Might as well tell you everything, I've already broken her trust once tonight, what's one more time, right?" He sounded bitter and self-deprecating, chuckling humorlessly.
"Sara… Sara's…" Oliver uncrossed his arms again to run his hands over his face yet another time. He seemed distressed and to seriously struggle to tell him what was going on. Quentin finally realized why Oliver had been reluctant to talk to him to begin with. And what a tremendous deal this was. He was uncomfortable telling him something about Sara that he felt wasn't his place to share. He was breaking her trust by doing this. Quentin hesitated for a moment, wondering if he was doing the right thing, demanding answers from Oliver, answers Sara didn't seem to want him to have. Forcing him to break his daughter's trust. Did he really want to do that? Demanding the only person his baby seemed to trust completely at the moment to break said trust? To betray her? He knew that the answer to those questions should be no. No, he shouldn't want this but his need to know, his anger that sprung from years of lies, deceit and secrets didn't care about the consequences this action might bring. Oliver had decided on too many occasions what he was and wasn't to know and what was best for his family. It was time for this to end.
Oliver took a deep breath, crossed his arms in front of his chest once more and started again.
"Sara… Sara's been struggling with… Sara's been struggling with what you could call 'flashbacks', I guess, for a while now. She told me before she left Star eight months ago that she thought some of her memories were missing. This believe was brought on by something Dinah told her. You remember that time she got lost on her way home from school? She was sure that it was something that she should remember. It was only the first clue for her. There were others. Well, the memories are coming back to her now… the pleasant ones and the bad ones… and unfortunately also the ones she'd repressed as a coping mechanism because it was the only way for her to keep going, to stay sane, to survive. And because she… because of…" Quentin was surprised when Oliver just started to explain his daughter's situation with no probing from him or specific questions. He would've expected that he'd try to get out of telling him everything by waiting for him to ask questions and only answer those as sparsely as he could. He listened intently to what his daughter's confidant was telling him, feeling guilty but at the same time grateful to know what his baby girl was going through, even if the knowledge was breaking his heart.
He, of course, noticed when Oliver faltered in his explanation and rubbed his hand across his face again, taking a deep breath, squaring his shoulders, standing up to his full height as if he were preparing to go into battle, before continuing.
"Sara, Sara's probably not going to be happy with me about telling you any of this… but since I'm already breaking her trust with what I just told you… so, I guess one more thing won't matter and I might as well make sure I give her reason enough to be pissed off and kick my ass. Right?" Oliver's voice was even more bitter than before, and the severity of his actions finally seemed to fully register in his mind. There was a chance Sara would never forgive Oliver for this. There was also a chance Sara would never forgive him for forcing Oliver to do this.
Was this knowledge worth that risk?
He was just about to say something to stop the man from saying anymore when Oliver continued.
"Sara's pregnant." Quentin took a step back and sagged. He had already known, well suspected, but hearing the words made it so much more real. Oliver pushed on before he got the chance to say something or process the sudden, unexpected turn in their conversation.
"It was one night. We were both in a dark place, just seeking comfort in each other… I don't… I swear we were careful… more careful than… I swear… this was never supposed to happen, we never meant for this to happen. It never should've…" for the first time since Oliver started to talk Quentin could feel his anger return with a vengeance. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. He just sought comfort in his daughter? They were more careful than… than what or when? So, they used to not be careful? Was Oliver saying he had risked knocking one of his daughter's up while he was dating the other? Was that supposed to comfort or placate him? And she wasn't supposed to get pregnant? What did he mean by that? It was her fault? Was he seriously blaming his emotionally imbalanced daughter for the unplanned and, obviously from his words, unwanted pregnancy? Quentin saw red.
"Excuse me?! Maybe you should have thought about that before you used my daughter as a source of comfort after you napalmed your relationship with Felicity. You'd think after the last couple of months you would've realized that even meaningless sex can lead to pregnancy and acted accordingly. I'd expected that type of behavior form the boy you used to be before the Island, but not from the man I watched you become over the last couple of years. Why would you be so reckless and stupid knowing the danger you put a baby in this life in? Not to forget the danger you put Sara in during the pregnancy. You should not be bringing a child in to the world or raising it given the current situation you're in. Neither of you should be raising a baby, not in your current mental states. I expected more from you. Both of you." His voice was tinged with both anger and disappointment.
Quentin expected Oliver to defend himself, argue with him, anything really but the reaction he received.
"You're right. You are absolutely right with everything you just said. This is my fault. I should've never let this happen. And Sara and I are both very aware of the danger any children of ours would be in. This is why we decided not to keep the baby. We are giving it up for adoption. That way it has a chance to grow up in a safe, normal and happy environment being raised by qualified, healthy parents. Which is something both Sara and I would never be able to provide, not with all of our baggage and the struggles we are both dealing with on a daily basis." This last and probably hardest to swallow, revelation of Oliver's completely took Quentin aback. He had never thought, the thought never even crossed his mind, that they, or at least Sara, wouldn't raise their child, even less just hand the baby over to strangers. Sara loved children, she had always wanted children. They must be aware that they would have help. He, Laurel, Thea and he was sure Dinah too would be more than willing to help them raise their child. Family was the most important thing to both of them. So, why would they give up the newest member of their families? To complete strangers, no less.
Quentin looked at Oliver again, ready to give him another piece of his mind or maybe ask some of the questions running through his mind, and inadvertently had to think back to the last time he had seen him and what Laurel had told him after her meeting with her friend. He had expected his daughter to be in a bad place, her actions before tonight were a testament of how bad a place she was in. He had expected Oliver to be in a place slightly less good than he pretended to be in, and worse than he wanted people to know but this… this meant that things, that both Sara and especially Oliver seemed to be doing a lot, and he meant a lot worse than he had thought. They wouldn't give their child, their own flesh and blood up to strangers otherwise. The thought probably wouldn't even cross their minds.
"The pregnancy is making her more emotional. This leads to her not being able to repress the awful memories again. And she can't deal with them the way she used to. Tonight was an especially terrible event she was forced to remember. This is my fault. I should've never left her alone at night. I should've known better." Oliver gave him no time to reply to the bomb he had just dropped and just pushed on and explained tonight's events. His shoulders were hunched now and his head bowed, buried in his hands. Quentin felt his heart constrict and regretted forcing the young man to reveal all of this. He was just about to say something when Thea stepped outside and reluctantly walked towards them.
"I'm sorry to interrupt but Sara's asking for you, Ollie." She sounded apprehensive and apologetic while eyeing them with a slightly curious look.
Oliver walked stiffly passed him and his sister to check up on his pregnant daughter.
Quentin couldn't stop himself to at least make sure Sara was okay by looking in on her. So, he stopped outside the open door to her bedroom.
Sara was lying on her bed, an IV in her arm supplying her with fluids she could not keep down and therefore provide her body with otherwise. According to Dr. Snow, call me Caitlin.
Her head was resting on Oliver's chest, one of her hands was buried in his shirt, holding on to it, the other was interlocked with one his', holding it to her chest, one of her legs was draped over one of his and her face was buried in his neck. Oliver was holding on to her tightly with the hand that wasn't interlocked with hers, his head resting atop of hers, they lay there quietly and it would've been easy to assume they were asleep, if it weren't for the fact that both their eyes were wide open.
Quentin looked passed his daughter and up to Oliver, who had lifted his head slightly, looking straight at him before moving his head towards Sara again and whispering something to her which led to his daughter slowly turning her head towards him.
"Daddy?" Her voice was small, hoarse and quiet and her body stiffened noticeably.
"Hi baby. I'm sorry I didn't mean to disturb you. I just wanted to see how you are doing and let you know that your mom called. She'll be here within the hour. I'll be in the living room if you need anything." He smiled at her sadly and left again. Her reaction to him had hurt, but mostly because knowing whatever had happened to her, that she was remembering, led to her being afraid of him, her own father.
It wasn't hard to figure out what it probably was. Even less for a former detective. The knowledge that someone had violated his baby in such a way made him sick to his stomach, and he just wanted to cry. Knowing that someone had done this to his daughter, someone had felt entitled to take something of hers against her will… He wanted to scream, to find out who it was and shoot them.
He had to admit that her reaction to Oliver, given this newfound piece of information, that part of him wished he would've never been made aware of, was surprising and a testament to the amount of trust she had in the man.
She felt safe with him.
With a man who was known for his temper, bursts of violence and brutality as the Green Arrow. A man who had killed. All of which she had witnessed numerous times over the years. A man that scared many people, including the worst of the worst and himself once or twice. Yet, he was the only person that managed to make Sara feel safe.
How?
What had transpired between the two of them that led to that amount of trust? To such a strong bond between them? And when had it transpired?
The guilt about his actions earlier came back full force.
He should've never forced Oliver to betray Sara's trust. He hoped that whatever it was that had led to the amount of trust his baby girl had in the father of her child, was strong enough to get past this.
For all of their sakes.
