Chapter 14; The world is spinning but only in gray spiral into the unknown Somebody shatter me

Laurel:

Laurel looked up from the sink she had been staring into and holding on to for who knows how long. Just to see a face that looked a lot like hers but couldn't possibly be, stare back at her. The woman in the mirror looked pale, with red-rimmed eyes, her bottom lip was split, probably from biting down too hard to keep anyone from hearing her cry. Hiding in Oliver and Sara's bathroom. She just now noticed that the laundry machine in the bathroom's corner was on, right in the middle of the spinning circle. This might have also hidden the sound of her cries, if she was lucky.

This was a weird time to be doing laundry…

But what bewildered her the most about the image in front of her was the look of utter devastation and the pain in her eyes. Her hair was a big mess too. But worst of all was the reason why she was in the emotional state she was currently in. Why she felt like her heart was torn to shreds. No, not because of everything she's just learnt about her sister's struggles from Oliver, struggles she was going through because of her. Because she had decided to play God and bring her back from the death. And now Sara was the one suffering for her sins. Sara was the one carrying the consequences of her older sister's actions.

And no, not because of the tough time one of her best friends was currently facing after giving up his son because of the danger he would put him in if he were in his life. Both of those things would have been a plausible and understandable reason for her to be upset and for her to be hurting about. But no, none of those very real and justifiable reasons were why she was feeling this pain. No, the utter and complete agony she was in right now had nothing to do with empathy, they were purely selfish.

And that knowledge made her feel horrible.

She wished her feelings were rooted in sympathy and were a manifestation of the pain of knowing just how much two of the most important people in her life were struggling. But they were not. She couldn't think about their pain right now. As selfish as that was, and it made her feel. But there was nothing she could do about that right now. She was too focused on her own pain. It was too fresh to push aside to be compassionate. Everything she had just learnt in the last hour was just too much to handle and deal with at once, so she needed to pick and focus on something and that happened to be the thing that was causing her pain. That affected her own emotions the most because it touched her very core and brought back a lot of feelings she had buried years ago. Feelings she had thought she was passed. Feelings that had now led to Oliver being able to shatter her heart for the umpteenth time and leave her all alone in agony again. Needing to pick up the pieces all by herself once more.

Oliver was going to be a father again…

Oliver was having a baby…

Oliver was going to have a second child…

Oliver was going to be a father again… to another woman's child… again.

Oliver was having a baby… with someone that wasn't her… again.

Oliver was going to have a second child… and she won't be its mother… again.

Sara was pregnant. With Oliver's child. Sara was going to make Oliver a father again, Sara was having Oliver's baby, Sara was going to have Oliver's second child.

Her baby sister was carrying her ex-boyfriend's second child.

Her ex-boyfriend had knocked up her baby-sister. The sister he had cheated on her with. The sister he had chosen over her, twice. The sister he had gotten back together with as soon as he had found out that she was alive and she had come back home, during a time he had told both her and Felicity that he couldn't be with anyone that he cared about, that it was too much. Unless it was Sara, it seemed. Sara, everything always seemed to come back to her with Oliver. Her sister seemed to be the exception to a lot of things where her ex was concerned.

And now they were having a baby, together. The two of them. Sara and Oliver. Oliver and Sara. Two of the most important people in her life. Two people that she loved so, so very much, yet had hurt her so bad and left wounds so deep that she wasn't sure they would ever properly heal. She thought they had, at least mostly. That she was passed it. That the wounds had scarred over. And those pangs and the slight pain she might feel every once in a while when something reminded her of her sister and ex-boyfriend's betrayal was just itching scar tissue, phantom pains. She had been wrong. Oliver had just ripped those wounds wide open with one, well two short sentences.

"Sara's pregnant. The baby is mine."

That had hurt, hurt more than learning about William all those months ago had. Hurt more than she rationally knew it should. She and Oliver had been over for years. She was over him. She had moved passed their betrayal. She was fine. Well, she had been or at least thought she was until Oliver had ripped those old wounds wide open again and she realized that she was not passed it. That she had simply repressed her feelings. She couldn't do that now. Now that her old wound was open again and dripping agonizing pain.

"Sara's pregnant. The baby is mine."

Open, gaping flesh wound. She knows that there was a lot he had said that she hadn't heard. That she had been incapable of hearing or processing anything that had come after his revelation.

"Sara's pregnant. The baby is mine."

The next thing she did hear was the salt that he so callously poured into her gaping flesh wound.

"… it was just one night, it meant nothing… unplanned… so we're giving the baby up for adoption…"

Sara was pregnant. Her baby sister was pregnant. It was hard enough for her to wrap her head around that piece of news on its own. Adding Oliver to the mix only made it all seem even more surreal. Was she dreaming? Was this some weird nightmare? Or some joke she didn't get yet? Sara and Oliver were going to be parents. Only not really. They were going to have a baby but as if to add insult to injury they were giving the baby up for adoption.

God, this hurt. Hurt so badly. She felt as if she couldn't breathe. She had long stopped to try to dry the onslaught of tears rolling down her cheeks. The knuckles on her hands were white from the force of her grip on the edges of the sink.

Sara and Oliver were planning on giving their baby away.

She loved her sister, more than anything… but she just didn't… sometimes she just couldn't understand her or her decisions. No matter how much she tried. So much about Sara was a mystery to her. It didn't use to be, at least not like this. Not like it was ever since she came back almost three years ago. She didn't understand the way Sara's thought process worked. She still had trouble making the connection between her bubbly, happy, outgoing baby sister that she used to be and the person she was now. So much of Sara's past, of the nearly six years that she was away, was still a mystery to her, just like the reasons that had led to Sara being on her boyfriend's father's yacht to begin with. If someone would ask her if she knew her sister, her first instinct would still be to say yes. With no hesitation.

But did she?

There was so much she didn't know about Sara's life, about her past, about the reasons why she made the choices she did. So, how could she know her sister, the person she was now, without knowing the things that made her this way? How could she move past the pain Sara had caused her without knowing why she had done to her what she did? How could she possibly heal the part about her relationship with her sister that had been and still was broken without knowing the reason why Sara chose to break it in the first place? Why Sara had chosen Oliver over her. Twice. This almost felt like a third time… somehow. But she couldn't put her finger on it why. Maybe because different than her, Sara actually talked to Oliver. Oliver actually knew what Sara had been through. Oliver knew Sara, because Sara chose to let Oliver know her. Sara chose to let Oliver in time and time again, while she chose to push her away or at least keep her at arm's length… right now both figuratively and literally.

How could she possibly understand why Sara made the choices she did without knowing the person her sister had become? She still couldn't understand why Sara had left Oliver so soon after she had finally "got" him, after he had very clearly and publicly chosen the younger one of the Lance sisters. It made little to no sense to her.

Now she had ended up pregnant with his child. During what Oliver had dubbed a "meaningless one nightstand" or something along those lines. But could it really be meaningless if you cared about the other person, even if only half as much as Sara and Oliver obviously cared for each other?

So, why was she giving up their baby now? Instead of using this as a chance to reconcile, she was giving the child away to strangers. Why? Why would she do this? Why would she choose this? If she were in Sara's shoes, she would use the baby to convince Oliver to give them another try and she was sure Felicity would agree with her on this and do the same. She would look at this baby as a sign for them to give it another shot. Make it work this time around.

Why wouldn't Sara do the same?

She knew that they cared about each other, she would even go as far as saying loved each other even if it were only like family, and she really didn't think that was it.

The realization she had had eight months ago, was one she was still battling with and regularly mulled over, at least during those nights she lay awake during the darkest hours and let herself think about the past and all the what ifs and if only's. The nights she let herself think about Sara and Oliver and their affair. The nights she let herself think and wonder about the whys. Those were also the nights she remembered the moment that she had realized that Oliver loved her sister. The moment he had broken down in Sara's arms, holding on to her for dear life, repeating her name like a mantra. The moment that it had sunk in for him that Sara was really, truly alive again. And she knew, she knew that Sara loved Oliver. Or did she? She had to, right? She wouldn't have risked, wouldn't have ruined and broken the bond between sisters they shared if she didn't love him, or would she? Maybe back when she went on the Gambit with him. She had been known for her reckless behaviour. But not after she returned home. Sara was an intelligent woman, she must have known that getting back together with Oliver… getting back together sounded wrong even in her own mind… getting back together made it sound like they were exes that reconciled not like two people who had fucked behind her, his girlfriend's and her older sister's back. It made it sound almost normal, unpreventable. Okay. Sara must have known that getting with Oliver as soon as she came back home would not help her with reconciling their relationship. She had risked their sisterly bond, risked that she would never, ever forgive her to be with Oliver. So Sara must love Oliver to take such an enormous risk with her relationship with her sister, right?

So, if she was right, and they did love each other, why choose this? Why would anyone choose to give their child away? To have it raised by strangers? She could understand this choice given some circumstances, but none of those applied to Sara and Oliver. She just didn't understand, couldn't understand their choice. Oliver had sort of tried to explain it to her, but he had seriously struggled with it on top of her, only hearing pieces of anything he said after… after…

"Sara's pregnant. The baby is mine… it was just one night, it meant nothing… unplanned… so we're giving the baby up for adoption…"

God, she still couldn't believe that Ollie had knocked Sara up. They seriously needed to start facing and dealing with the consequences of their actions. And not just keep going with the ignoring them until they go away approach, or one or both of them running away instead, or making the consequences and issues that came with them disappear themselves. And in her opinion, giving the baby away was doing just that, making the "problem" go away and not owning up to their mistakes and facing the consequences for their irresponsible actions. They really needed to be more responsible. She couldn't understand how they could've been this irresponsible and even less Oliver. Not after everything he just went through with William.

Why would he risk another unplanned pregnancy? Giving another child up?

She really wished she could talk to Sara. She just wanted to talk to her sister and get the answers to her questions. Answers she was so desperately seeking. She just wanted to understand. She wanted to understand her sister. She wanted to understand why her sister would choose this. The Sara she knows, the Sara she knew before the Gambit and whatever had happened to her during those six years away, would have never… that Sara, her sister… her cheerful, happy, outgoing baby sister would never give her child away. That girl loved children more than anything. She had loved to babysit them, she had wanted to be a pediatrician to work with and help children, she had wanted at least three children of her own, or you know maybe four or five. She would usually add laughing, her entire face lighting up with that huge, gorgeous smile of hers that would always light up the entire room, brightening it just like sunshine did and Laurel had been jealous of for as long as she could remember. Now she couldn't even recall the last time she had seen her sister's former signature look.

So for the first time in years, for the first time since Sara had come back into her life, Laurel had to admit that she maybe she really didn't know her sister. That maybe she didn't know her at all.

If only she could talk to her and then after maybe, just maybe she would understand why Sara chose this. But both Oliver and Caitlin had told her that Sara needed rest and avoid any form of stress for the next couple of days. It was only a precaution, to make sure that the baby was fine and to avoid Sara having another panic attack. So, she was staying away for now, just like her dad. Laurel knew that her mom was with her sister right now. And she was pretty sure that Oliver had returned to her sister's side as well. Like he always did. Whenever there was a choice between her and Sara, Oliver chose Sara… Just like her mom… Laurel would lie if she said that, that not only stung but actually hurt. It was kinda like someone poured Vodka in her gaping wound to wash out the salt that had been tossed in before.

Dinah Lance loved both of her daughters equally, Laurel knew that, but she tended to take Sara's side, always had, the older one of the two sisters had never been sure why. Was it because Sara was more like their mother? Or because Sara used to get in trouble with their dad a lot because of her antics and her need to push all the boundaries and break every single rule Quentin Lance had ever given them. Laurel knew that both her parents loved her just as much as they did Sara. But their mom had a habit of taking Sara's side in any given situation. She had let her run off with her sister's boyfriend after all. And Sara had always been a daddy's girl, his baby. As much as she used to get in trouble with him, she used to get away with even more when it came to their dad.

Standing here, in Oliver and Sara's bathroom, looking at the stranger that was her own reflection, Laurel dared to admit a truth to herself that she had buried and worked hard on keeping buried for years.

She knew that she was not the love of Oliver's life… at this point, she wasn't sure who was. Five months ago she would've said Felicity… now she didn't know… maybe Sara, maybe not… maybe still Felicity… all she knew for sure was that she, Dinah Laurel Lance was not the love of Oliver Jonas Queen's life. But that fact didn't change her very own truth… Oliver Jonas Queen would always be the love of Dinah Laurel Lance's life.

That didn't mean that she hadn't loved Tommy. Because she had loved him so very much. And she knew that she could've been happy with him, had he not died. There were nights when she still couldn't believe that she had risked losing Tommy for another chance with Oliver, that her choice or better her lack thereof had played a part in Tommy's death. Tommy Merlyn hadn't been the love of her life. But Tommy Merlyn had been someone she could've happily spent the rest of her life loving. If only… if only she would've listened to Ollie and stayed away from the Glades. If only she and Tommy had gotten the chance to live that life she still so desperately craved more times than she was ever willing to admit to anyone. The Tommy shaped hole in her heart and life would never completely heal or go away. She cherished those nights when Thea and she would stay up and talk about the past, the nights they got lost in the memories of the time before the Gambit. When life was so much simpler. They would remember the shenanigans and trouble Oliver, Tommy and Sara used to get into regularly. The times that the five of them would just hang out at the Queen Mansion or take Thea to the Zoo or Aquarium or the carnival or the movies or wherever. Missing Tommy together. Reminiscing, holding each other, smiling or laughing and sometimes even crying. Thea missing the man who had always been as much of a brother to her as Ollie, a man who had actually been as much her brother as Ollie. Something that still hurt Thea a lot. Knowledge that she wished she would've had when Tommy was still alive. They had truly been family.

"Laurel? Are you okay?" Laurel was confused for a moment, wondering if she was imagining her roommate's voice because she had been thinking about her.

"Can I come in?" She could clearly hear Thea's worried voice through the bathroom door now. Laurel spent another moment looking at her reflection before turning around to let the younger woman in. Thea closed the door behind her as soon as she was far enough inside. Right before she pulled Laurel in a tight bone-crushing hug, a hug Laurel gratefully returned just as tightly. She could feel her eyes water again, and it wasn't long before she was sobbing in the tiny brunette's arms. She wasn't sure how long she had been crying before she managed to calm herself down and realized that they were sitting on the bathroom floor. When had that happened? She was just about to say something when the laundry machine binged to let them know that it was done.

"I can't believe Oliver would do laundry in a situation like this… your brother is very strange." Laurel had to laugh through her tears. The whole thing was bizarre to her. Her sister had had a mental breakdown and Oliver was doing laundry amidst all of that?

"I'd agree with you in theory but in this situation, he is actually less strange and more sweet. Sara made herself throw up repeatedly. Ollie's washing her clothes because those are her favorite comfy ones and apparently one of the few pairs of pants she currently owns that she still fits in." Thea laughed with her for a moment before tentatively explaining her older brother's actions. Looking at her the whole time gauging her reaction to those revelations. Laurel looked at Thea for a moment after she finished her explanation before standing up and walking towards the laundry machine. She took the wet clothes out of the machine and put them in the dryer, making sure that her sister would have her favorite outfit as fast as possible. No matter her current feelings towards her sister, all she wanted was for her to feel better and do whatever she could to help with that. Even if all that meant was making sure she would get her favorite clothes back sooner rather than later.

Notes:

Please don't hate me. I love Laurel.
I hate unnecessary love triangles and the drama that comes with it, but it is Arrow and I feel like the Laurel/Oliver/Sara triangle issue has not really been dealt with in the series.
Laurel and Sara never really talked about it and I feel like they need to in order to move on from everything. They just kinda swiped it under the table and pretended it never happened. Laurel was the bigger person but not talking about it meant that a part of her still feels hurt and some form of resentment towards them, even if it is only very small.
And that is understandable and human.
She has a lot of questions that neither Sara nor Oliver have given her answers to so far. That means that she is still at the same point that she was when she first found out about them right after the Gambit sank, speculating why Oliver cheated on her with her younger sister of all people.

And why Sara chose her big sister's boyfriend over Laurel and decided to betray her like this. Not that this has happened yet, but it will and I needed to address the issues that are still here from Laurel's POV.

Plus, Arrow throwing us a curveball on the Laurel/Oliver front with Eleven-Fifty-Nine. The events from that episode obviously didn't happen in this story, Laurel lives and Laurel lives…yeah that's all that's important.

But Laurel telling Oliver that he was and always will be the love of her life is an important admission and needs to be factored in and addressed.

Laurel has a lot of repressed feelings when it comes to Oliver and Sara and she needs to feel them and give voice to them. That's at least how I see it.

So please don't hate me, I'm not trying to bash her or paint her in a negative light. Let me know if I do and I will correct it. People are meant to be able to relate to her, feel sympathy and understand where she's coming from.