When happy hurts Chapter 15
Chapter 15: I don't like tears don't wanna break down but I'm crying on the floor
Sara:
She vaguely noticed a warm hand on her arm, the soft touch was slowly breaking through the haze she was in. Her first instinct was to flinch away, this move helped clear a little more from the fog she was still encased in, it helped her notice a voice far away, sounding muddled yet familiar, she could barely hear it over all the other voices and noises, another hand joined the first one lightly touching her shoulder this time, before gently moving some of her hair from her face, knuckles softly brushing across her skin in a familiar caress, a caress she had gotten used to during the last couple of months. Not that it was any wonder. She was receiving it a couple of times a day… well, most days… not as often anymore as only a few short weeks ago…
Ollie…
She waded through the swamp and molasses that was her mind, trying to reach that oh so familiar and dear touch and sound.
Ollie…
No, that wasn't right, that wasn't possible, it couldn't be… Ollie was dead, lying at the bottom of the North China Sea not too far from the shores of Lian Yu. This was just another trick they were playing with her mind, he wasn't here, not really, he was never really here… it was only a dream, a wish, a hope, a trick of the mind, the herbs they made her eat, the tea they made her drink… She struggled against invisible hands that were holding her down, hurting her, pouring liquid down her throat while laughing at her… her own hands took hold of the wrists that belonged to the hands that were touching her oh so softly and carefully, pushing them away, trying to keep them from hurting her, they were hands and hands always ended up hurting her no matter how their touch started out it always ended in pain… pushing them away and yet pulling them closer, craving the familiarity that came with those soft touches, so what if it was her mind playing tricks on her? What if it wasn't real? If it ended up in agony? It would be worth it just to get lost in this hope, this dream, this wish…
Her mind was working on overload, trying to decipher illusion from reality.
"Open your eyes Sara, look at me. C'mon Tweety Bird open those gorgeous eyes of yours and look at me." She could hear the voice a little clearer now, it was a little closer too, but still too far away to seem real, it was still overlapped by the voices of Ivo's men and Ra's al Ghul.
But there was something, something that was pulling her closer towards that voice, that oh so dear and familiar voice. Something wasn't right. Tweety Bird… how did they know… Tweety Bird… how could they know… Tweety Bird… Pretty Bird… Ta-er al-Sahfer… yellow bird… Canary… Daddy bought her that Canary when she was ten… Tweety Bird… Tweety Bird… Saturday mornings at the Queens… Tweety Bird and Sylvester… Ollie and Tommy laughing, Laurel rolling her eyes while complaining about the noise, beautiful chirping, her pretty little bird made and Thea, tiny little Thea running around, already running after them on her short, little legs laughing, trying to catch up but not yet Speedy, still Thea with her pigtails and cute little purple footsie PJ's with the ruffles on her butt, the two-year-old was still too slow to be Speedy… Tweety Bird… because future-crazy-bird-lady was too long… and Ollie and Tommy were twelve and seriously lacking imagination… because it was Saturday morning at the Queens after movie night and they were watching Looney Tunes when she proudly told the boys about the pretty little Canary daddy had bought her… she was sitting on the floor with little Thea in her lap being excited about her little bird back home…
Tweety Bird… there was only one person who called her that, only one person still alive who had ever called her that. A nickname given to her more than a decade ago… mostly retired years before she ever set foot on the Gambit after it had morphed into Pretty Bird some time during Ollie's late teens. The original version of her nickname had only been pulled off the shelf it had been placed on years ago and dusted off a couple of months ago as a means to pull her back, ground her, remind her what was real and what was only in her mind. To let her know that she was not back in the League having mind tricks pulled on her. Because no one, not Nyssa nor Ra's or any other person who wanted to hurt her knew Ollie's childhood nickname for her.
"Ollie…" it was barely a whisper, but it was enough, he had heard her.
"Yes, Tweety Bird, it's me. C'mon Sar-Bear open your eyes, I promise I'll be right here, I'm not going to disappear." His voice was soft but clear, very clear now, clearer than anything else she heard. His touch on her face was soft, oh so soft. Yet, another solid piece to try to help her ground herself in reality. Did she dare? Did she dare open her eyes and risk him disappearing? Risk getting punished for her weakness?
"Ollie…?" it was nothing more than an exhale this time. An exhale that was slowly followed by the opening of her eyes.
"Ollie." She crashed into him the moment she saw his face. Wrapping her arms around him, crushing him to her. Trying to pull him inside of her or maybe trying to push herself into him… it didn't matter. Her arms wrapped around his neck, her head buried in his shoulders, drenching his shirt in tears before he ever had the chance to wrap his strong, familiar arms around her, providing her with a protective shelter. Keeping her safe from her own mind and the twisted monsters and ghosts that were living there.
"I'm here Sara, I'm right here. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Pretty Bird. I should never have left you alone…" He sounded so guilty. He was blaming himself for her situation. He thought this was his fault. Of course he did, he wouldn't be her Ollie if he didn't. Every bad thing that had ever happened to her was his fault and every bad thing that would ever happen to her in the future would be his fault too at least as far as he was concerned… ridiculous… she wanted to tell him it was okay, that it wasn't his fault but she couldn't get the words out, she couldn't stop crying long enough to tell him she didn't blame him and neither should he. That it wasn't his fault, but the only thing she could do was hold on to him even tighter.
"Ssshhhh, shhh, it's okay, you're okay, you're safe, Pretty Bird. You're home. Deep breaths, in and out, in and out,…" his voice was still soft and reassuring he was holding her tightly to him, breathing with her, rubbing her back, kissing her head and slowly oh so slowly she managed to calm down, to stop crying long enough to say what she wanted to from the moment she had detected the guilt in his voice.
"It's not your fault, Ollie." It was only a raspy whisper, and her throat hurt uttering those words, but it was important, it was so very important that she told him, that he knew. It was at that moment that she noticed something moving in the corner of her eyes. She flinched away when she noticed another person moving slowly towards them, just to retreat as soon as she had handed something over to Ollie.
"Sara, I need you to drink a little, okay. Just a few small sips." Ollie was slowly and softly pushing her away from his chest, to provide enough space between them for him to look at her face and hold the now open bottle towards her. She had moved her arms away from his neck, her hands were no longer clawing at his shoulders but resting on his tights, she tried to move one of her hands to take the bottle from him, but she couldn't make them cooperate with her. She couldn't let go of Ollie. What if he disappeared? What if this was only a dream? A figment of her imagination? He seemed to understand her struggle and slowly placed the bottle to her lips, letting her take small sips. She carefully swallowed the cold water. It did wonders to her sore, dry throat. She managed ten little sips before her stomach rebelled and pushed the water back the way it had come. She grabbed Ollie's wrists before pushing him away and turning her body away from him to avoid puking all over him, not that it would've been the first time but she liked to avoid it whenever possible and she was sure he appreciated the effort. She could feel herself tear up again while puking the small amount of fluids she had swallowed back up. Why, why couldn't she have kept it down? She needed to drink, the baby needed her to drink. She could feel her chest tightening as her tears turned into sobs and her breathing and heartbeat sped up again as a fresh wave of panic was approaching. She didn't know how long she had been in the bathroom, how long she had been throwing up, all she knew was there was nothing left in her stomach to throw up, there had been nothing left ages ago, and now the little bit of water she had managed to drink was gone too. Her baby needed her to provide it with nourishment. How, how was she supposed to take care of it if she couldn't even keep ten sips of water down?
She felt Ollie move behind her and felt him pull her hair back and out of her face. Like he's done at least a hundred times by now. The arm belonging to the hand that wasn't holding her hair back snuck around her middle pulling her to his chest, his hand slowly and softly rubbing her slightly rounded stomach, his head moving down until he could kiss her temple, he then left it there whispering sweet nothings to her, trying to calm her down. And it was slowly working, and she gradually relaxed, melting into the muscular chest behind her, exhausted.
"Let's get you out of those dirty clothes, Pretty Bird. They're all sweated through, you'll be more comfortable once you're out of them." She softly nodded her head. She was pretty sure her clothes were covered in tears, snot and puke too. Leave it to Ollie to be a gentleman and not mention those. She pretty much let him remove her clothes and only helping when it was unavoidable. Her body was limp from exhaustion, so she just let him do whatever it was he wanted to or deemed important. He carefully removed her, his, their Rocket's sweater from her body, before doing the same with the top she was wearing under it. He slightly lifted her with one arm while tugging her leggings passed her tights with the other before setting her back down, this time on top of their sweater so she could lean on the wall next to her instead of him while he removed her wool socks and pulled her leggings off all the way. He tentatively got up once that was done and moved towards the sink to get a washcloth and towel. She could feel her heavy eyelids closing on their own accord and she had to fight them while watching Ollie, making sure that he was really here. That he wouldn't suddenly disappear in thin air and take their bathroom with him, leaving her alone, lying broken and bleeding on the floor of a cell in Nanda Parbat. He came back and ran the warm, wet washcloth over her face, carefully cleaning it. He walked back to the sink and took her top and leggings with him once he was satisfied with that task. He washed the cloth and returned to slowly and carefully wash her sweaty body, using the towel to softly dry her off before pulling his sweater over his head once he was done and put it on her. He then cleaned the washcloth with the water from the bathtub's tap and left it on the cabinet by the toilet before coming back and putting her wool socks back on her feet before carelessly tossing the towel and their sweater into the bathtub.
Sara pulled her knees to her chest the moment both of her socks were back on. Her head almost dropped on top of them on its own accord, she was just so tired… it took her a moment to realize that Ollie was once again sitting on the floor with her, one arm tightly wrapped around her so he could cover her hand with his. His other hand was soothing her with soft strokes across her left side, his cheek resting against her temple while he was once again murmuring to her. He was so soft; there were times it was still hard for her to imagine how hands that were handling and touching her so carefully and lovingly could inflict any kind of pain at all.
He was so good to her, why was Ollie so good to her? She still couldn't understand how he… why he didn't hate her after everything she has put him through in the past 10 years, everything she had done to him… all the pain she had and still was causing him… why was he so good to her? She didn't deserve this; she didn't deserve him. She never had, but even less so now… now that she couldn't even take proper care of his unborn child… why wasn't he angry with her? Why didn't he yell at her? This was her fault, she was putting their baby at risk… why wasn't he mad? She didn't deserve to be treated this tenderly…
"I'm sorry Ollie, I'm sorry I can't…" she wanted to say more, recalling the short moment that he let the sheer panic he was feeling manifest on his face before pushing it behind the mask she could so easily look past, when he realized that she would not be able to keep the water down. This just led to the floodgates opening again, and her sobs made it impossible for her to finish her apology. Ollie, just shushed her and told her it wasn't her fault, there was nothing she had to apologize for, and that it would be okay, everything would be okay… she wanted to believe him, she wanted to believe him so badly but how could it be? How could any of this lead to something even remotely resembling okay? They were having a baby. They made a baby. A baby she was carrying inside of her.
A baby that they were going to give away.
And it hurt, the thought of giving their baby, her and Ollie's baby, away hurt, hurt so bad, but what other choice did they have? It was what was best for it. It was the only way to make sure that it would be safe, that it would be okay. That they wouldn't fuck it up. Provided she and her body would not fuck everything up before the baby was even born.
She wasn't sure how long they had been sitting on the floor like that before she noticed Ollie move his head, he just very slightly turned it towards the door but it was enough to jolt her out of her thoughts and back into the presence. Which led to her actually registering the words he was saying to her instead of just letting their sound sooth her, like a comforting background noise, just like those plush toys playing a lullaby to help babies calm down and fall asleep…
"Sara, Caitlin's here. Is it alright if she comes a little closer? She needs to find out what's wrong and how she can help you. She's just going to come a little closer. She's not going to touch you. And I'm right here, Sar-Bear. I'll be here the whole time, I promise. I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going to leave you alone again. I promise I won't leave you again. I won't let anyone hurt you. I swear, Pretty Bird. I'll be right here. Okay?"
She tried to say something but her vocal cords were not complying, so she slightly turned one of her hands around so she could hold on to his and lightly squeeze to let him know that it was okay. She heard Ollie give Caitlin the go-ahead and tried to lift her head, but it was just so heavy and she was just so tired. She felt Ollie pull her a little closer, nuzzle her hair and kiss her temple right before he lifted her up in order to change his position. He closed and stretched his legs out in front of him and moved his lower body further away from the wall so that his back was no longer straight while leaning against it. Ollie carefully set her down on his tights, slowly pulling her towards him until her back was leaning against his chest. He caressed her hair and face and used those movements to help her pull her head from her still bent knees and leaning it back until it was supported my his upper body too instead of her knees. The last thing he did, before focusing on Caitlin again, was detangle her hands from around her legs and lacing them with his. This led to her copying his position and stretching her legs out too, so they could rest their intertwined hands on her stomach. He pressed another lingering kiss on her temple before addressing her doctor after she tried and failed to answer her questions because her voice still refused to cooperate.
"Her throat is parched, she might have trouble speaking because of that. We can try to get her to drink a sip of water again but it didn't have the desired effect before. The opposite actually and I'm worried it might be the same again." Ollie was quick to jump in and help her out.
"Hmm… okay. Maybe some tea? Have you tried that? Or what do you use against morning sickness? That might help you now too, Sara." Caitlin was thoughtful and wondering.
"Ginger tea with honey. Yeah, that might actually work. Thea knows how to make it." Ollie agreed and Caitlin left to get her some tea.
The ginger tea had helped, a little, enough for her to answer Caitlin's questions and tell her how she felt, once she had managed to keep a couple of sips down.
Ollie and especially Caitlin had wanted to move her from the bathroom to her bedroom, so she could lie down, but she didn't trust her stomach yet. She didn't trust that she would not throw up again. Poor Caitlin had ended up with one of Ollie's scarier glares when she tried to keep pushing the subject when she had refused to leave her place by the toilet.
It wasn't until after the brunette came back the second time, letting them know that she was going to give her an IV to make sure her body received enough fluids, that she let Ollie carry her to her room. He carefully laid her down on her bed, brushing her hair back and kissing her forehead before helping Caitlin prepare the IV.
It was while watching them that she noticed just how worried both of them looked. She could understand Ollie, everything concerning her or their baby was worrying him lately. But Caitlin… Caitlin was a doctor, things must really be as bad as she thought when her doctor was just as worried as Ollie.
This scared her.
This meant that she or her baby were in serious trouble. Or both of them.
She could feel her heartbeat speed up as icy dread was gripping her. What if something was wrong with her baby? She didn't know what she'd do if she… she started to breathe heavily, which led to Ollie being back at her side in no time.
"Breathe Sara, you need to take deep breaths." He was breathing with her again, holding one of her hands and caressing her face with the other.
"Mom,… Ollie, I… I want my mom." Her voice sounded strange even to her own ears, and it wasn't because of the raspy undertones it still had, it sounded small, scared, like the voice of a little girl. And that was how she felt right now. Like a scared, sick little girl just wanting her mom. She knew that it was silly, she was almost thirty, she was a former assassin who had faced hell itself, more than once, but right now, all she wanted was her mom. There were moments in every woman's life where they just needed their mom, and this was one of those.
She was pregnant, and scared and ill and having a baby and she didn't know what to do. She didn't know how to do this… but her mom did, her mom had been through this twice and she knew, she knew how to make her feel better. How to be a mom. She could feel her eyes fill up with tears, and Ollie's thumbs brushed them away as soon as they rolled down her cheeks.
"Sh, it's okay Pretty Bird, I'll call her, I'll make sure she comes as soon as she can. I promise I'll get Dinah here." He bent down and kissed her forehead again. Before sitting back to let Caitlin do her job and hook her onto the IV.
Sara knew that Caitlin had been watching them from the moment she first stepped into their bathroom and the blonde wasn't comfortable with the fact that a complete stranger was seeing her this vulnerable but there was nothing she could do about that and she liked the other woman's personality and the way she was handling, what she was sure must be a very strange situation for her. She could easily see why Ollie suggested the brunette from Central City as her doctor. Caitlin's calm, warm demeanor made her feel safe and well taken care of. The fac that Caitlin had talked to and addressed her even when Ollie was answering in her stead, because of her dry throat, only reinforced that feeling.
Caitlin was quietly and calmly explaining everything she was doing and why she was doing it to her and Ollie, she could see that Ollie looked a little lost with all the medical jargon she was using and took note which parts he seemed to struggle with when it came to understanding in order to explain them to him, once they were alone.
Thea once again popped up at the door, right after Caitlin had finished hooking her onto the IV, carefully looking in and asking if there was something she could do, like bring her another cup of tea or something. Sara let her eyes travel over Oliver after looking back from Thea. He looked horrible, exhausted and pale, really pale, sickeningly pale.
"Thea, would you… would you just stay with me? Just for a little while? You could sit on the armchair in the corner and keep me some company, so that Ollie can get some fresh air." Everyone in the room looked at her, surprised. And she could understand why. They each had a different reason for their reactions, but she could understand every one of them.
"We'll be fine. I'll be fine, Ollie. She will be on the other side of the room and believe me, she could easily take me right now. Go get some fresh air. You need it." The… former?... Green Arrow looked unsure but thankfully both Thea and Caitlin spoke up and agreed with her which led to the only man in the room having no choice but to relent to their wishes or deal with the consequences and he was too tired to put up a real fight and argue with them, leaving the three women alone in Sara's bedroom.
5
