Chapter 18; Those damaged goods you see love sees them differently and you don't have to stay the broken girl

Sara

Sara slowly blinked her eyes open, her mind gradually slipping into consciousness. One of the first things she noticed was the big hand cradling her stomach. She slightly lifted her head so she could look down. What she saw was Ollie's hand laying protectively on her rounded stomach. One of her own hands moved on its own accord, softly covering his, slipping her fingers in between the spaces that the fingers of his open hand created. Sara bit her lip when she felt a pang and her heart constrict painfully, while her eyes filled with tears. She swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat before she took a shuddering breath, trying to get a hold of her emotions and keep the tears from falling, removing her hand from Ollie's as if she had been burned, forcing it on the mattress next to her hip. Curling her fingers into a fist, until her nails dug into the tender flesh inside, the pain bringing her a small amount of relief. She carefully turned her head to make sure that her actions hadn't woken the man next to her up. She was glad to see his eyes were still closed and his chest rising and falling regularly in a soft, calm and familiar pattern that let her know that he was still sound asleep.

She let her eyes drift back to her stomach and Ollie's hand so lovingly placed over their child.

And she almost… for a moment she almost forgot… almost wondered… maybe… but it was just a wish… a dream… something that could never be… because her baby only deserved the very best that life had to offer, and she couldn't give her child that. She was too damaged, too broken, too dangerous. Her hands were covered in blood and would only taint her baby, leaving scarlet handprints all over its tiny, innocent little body. And she couldn't do that, she couldn't damn her own child.

Sara turned her head to Ollie again, ensuring that he was still fast asleep, then she slowly lifted both of her hands and carefully placed them over Ollie's on her stomach and closed her eyes.

She gave herself this one brief moment to let herself dream… to pretend things were different. Different enough that she could give their baby what it needed.

She let her mind paint a picture of the life they could've had, had she made different choices. She let herself feel all the love she had for Ollie and their precious baby, all the hopes and dreams. She could feel the tears return and run down her cheeks. She swallowed hard and removed her hands from Ollie's and used that move to push all her hopes, dreams and feelings away. Push the life she so desperately wanted but couldn't have away. Put it in a box, lock the box and store it as far back in her mind as she could.

This was for the better.

This was the best thing she could do for her child.

Give it up, let it go to live a safe, happy, unburdened life. A life that wasn't tainted by its mother's blood soaked hands.

What she wanted didn't matter, it never had. She had learnt that a long time ago. Learnt to just push her feelings aside, put a mask on; whichever the audience expects or requests and pretend that everything is okay and no one besides Ollie would be the wiser.

All she had to do was play the part to perfection and if she was lucky, she'd be so good that she'd even manage to convince herself and then the lie would become the new truth.

She would to whatever she had to, whatever it took to ensure the best possible life for her and Ollie's baby. She would be whoever she needed to be to go through with this and give her baby away.

There was a small voice in the back of her mind, all the way back where she had stored her newest box, whispering that maybe, just maybe, she and Ollie were the ones who could provide the best possible life for their baby. That maybe, just maybe, she could be happy. They could be happy. She and Ollie and their baby… maybe. Maybe they could be happy, a happy family… the three of them… like their baby deserved.

Could it be?

Did it matter?

No, it didn't.

Because she didn't deserve to be happy. Not after everything she had done, all the lives she had taken, the lives she had destroyed and the immeasurable pain she had caused. She didn't deserve to be happy, and Ollie and their baby deserved better than her. A broken, damaged and torn shell of a person, a killer, a murderer, a monster.

Ollie woke up when Caitlin came in to check her vitals and see how she was doing and if she was up to eating something. He decided to go and make her a small and light breakfast, while Caitlin was checking her IV and vitals. Asking her how she was feeling and if she had at any point during the night felt the need to throw up again. Her new doctor seemed thrilled when she told her that her mom had brought her some chamomile tea and she had managed to not only drink it all but keep it down.

The brunette stayed in the room with her and Ollie once he came back with her breakfast and some more tea. She managed to eat and drink it all, to everyone's relief, and didn't feel nauseous at all. Ollie actually put his arm around her shoulders and drew her into his side, kissing her head in relief and support. It was then that Caitlin spoke up and the words she said ensured her the full attention from both Ollie and her.

"I would like to get you to a doctor's office today, Sara. Just to take some more tests, that I can't really do here and it's really important to me that we can take a sonogram. I want to make sure that everything is fine with the baby. Given that this would be your first one. I'm almost certain that it is, but I just want to make sure. If that is alright with the two of you." She was looking at them expectantly.

Ollie looked at her for a moment, reading her before answering the doctor.

"Of course, whatever you think we should do. That's why we asked you here. To tell us what we should do and help us out with these types of things." She gave him a half smile to show him she agreed with his words.

"Great, I will make some calls and see if I can find a doctor who is willing to lend me his office for an hour." Caitlin smiled back at them.

"Caitlin, wait. Before you do that… I… I have some questions that maybe you could answer?" She looked at the other woman a little unsure. Maybe now wasn't the right moment…

"Oh, yeah, of course. What are they?" Caitlin smiled at her encouragingly and pulled the armchair in the corner of her room closer to the bed and her and Ollie.

Caitlin

Caitlin just couldn't get that awkward moment, when she had found out that Oliver was the father of Sara's baby, out of her mind. Even less the conversation that had followed that revelation. They were not keeping the baby. They would give their baby up for adoption. She still couldn't wrap her head around it. Why would they do that? They both seemed very invested in the pregnancy and their child's well-being. They seemed to care so much about their baby… so why would they give it away?

She had seen Oliver's face when he saw his child for the first time. The wonder, awe and love that was reflected on it was what was to be expected by a father-to-be. Not to forget the joy in his eyes when she told them the child's gender. Why would he give the baby away?

It made no sense to her.

The only thing that made even less sense was Sara. She did not know what to make of her. On the one hand, she seemed to be on top of her pregnancy and determined to not do anything wrong. To do everything she can to make sure that the baby will be healthy.

"I know that I can't work out the way I usually do. I was just wondering, are there exercises I can do? I'm aware that I need to gain a certain amount of weight every trimester and that's not why I ask. Working out helps me focus and center myself. So, it would be really helpful if there are exercises I'm allowed to do." Caitlin was once again surprised by Sara's question, knowledge and honesty, but then she recalled that Laurel had mentioned her being pre-med before she had disappeared with Oliver.

"Actually, exercising is important during pregnancy. You should exercise at least 30 minutes a day. It's just the type of exercises you choose to do that's important. And that you need to be careful about. Swimming is something that a lot of pregnant women do. It's really safe. Or you know, water aerobics." She started to answer the mother-to-be's question.

"No. I won't do anything in water. You can also remove the water from any birthing plan you might want to create." Sara told her even before she managed to finish her sentence. Oliver chuckled lightly next to her. She felt slightly taken aback and insecure given their reaction until she remembered that both of them had nearly drowned.

"Oh, ahm, okay. Walking, or even light jogging on level terrain or a treadmill is something you can do, you just need to be aware that loose ligaments and joints can make jogging harder on your knees. Low-impact aerobics is fine too, or even kickboxing, granted that you and your sparring partner are careful. Weightlifting is also okay, you just need to use lower weights. There are pregnancy-appropriate Pilates and Yoga routines. You're very fit so there is a lot that you can still do. Just don't overdo it and take it easy. How about you tell me what your usual exercise routine was, and I use that as a guideline and come up with a pregnancy appropriate routine for you… that changes as the pregnancy progresses?" She explained and offered.

"That sounds great, thank you. It would be a tremendous help." Sara gave her a grateful little half smile.

On the other hand, she seemed very set on giving said baby up for adoption and there was little to no reaction from her the moment she saw her baby for the first time and learnt what she was having.

That moment had been the first time since she had met the other woman that Oliver and Sara were not in sync with each other, but in complete dissent.

Oliver

Oliver couldn't stop looking at the piece of paper in his hands. He wasn't sure how long he had been sitting in the armchair in the living room, just staring at the sonogram of his unborn child. Caitlin had printed it out for them, showing them all the important parts of their baby. Their perfect, healthy baby. Oliver couldn't stop looking at the sonogram, the first picture ever taken of his and Sara's daughter. They were having a daughter. A little baby girl. A mini Sara… he was almost sure of that… He traced the lines of his daughter's tiny body on the even smaller photograph with his finger. Lines he had memorized hours ago… God, she was so small, but healthy and with a strong heartbeat according to Caitlin. His perfect little baby girl. His tiny little Hummingbird.

This was how Sara found him after her, what he later found out, four-hour nap. They had, after a lot of reassuring and possibly some begging, managed to get their apartment back at least for the rest of the day and night. For now. Dinah was spending the night at Laurel and Thea's but told him and Sara that she would be back tomorrow morning and bring breakfast, if that was alright with Sara. Sara had smiled at her family and Thea and told them that was a great idea, after a quick glance toward her older sister.

He wasn't sure what had happened shortly after everyone had left. But somehow they had ended up having one hell of an argument. Try as he might he just couldn't remember what had started it.

"I know that. Don't you think I know that? I'm not… I'm not trying to shut you out, Ollie. I'm just… I can't… I don't know how to deal with this… on top of everything else I already don't know how to deal with. And the way Caitlin looked at me, us… god, it made me feel even more like a monster. You have no idea how badly I wished… god, this is horrible. I shouldn't feel like this. I know I shouldn't, but I just can't help it. I wished so badly that I could feel anything besides the cold dread while looking at it, but… I just… can't. I can't feel anything. I'm a monster." He honestly couldn't remember what had set Sara off, if it had been her mother's choice to stay with Laurel for the night, even though Sara was the reason she had come down here? Had it been the amount of convincing and time it had taken them to get everyone out? And both of them had felt crowded over the last couple of days. As grateful as they were for their families' support, it had been too much.

"No, Sara, no, you're not… Caitlin doesn't think you're a monster, she would never…" Their friend had been taken aback when they told her they were giving their child up for adoption that was true but she had not… maybe asking her for help had not been as good an idea as he had first thought.

"Yes, I am. And don't even try to tell me that you know how I feel and that you feel the same way! God, look at you! I saw the look on your face, Ollie. Don't even try to tell me you felt nothing, that a part of you wasn't happy. We both know it would be a lie." She spat the words at him as if they were poisonous. Oh, his Bird was a master in transforming her pain and hurt into a deadly weapon she wielded with the skills of the assassin she used to be. And just like in the field, she never missed her target.

"What do you want from me Sara? I'm trying, okay? I'm doing the best I can, given the circumstances. But you know what? I don't know what to do either. You're not the only one who's struggling with this. I didn't choose this anymore than you. I'm sorry if I'm not acting the way you want me to, but you know what might help with that? Talking to me and telling me what the hell you expect or want from me. I didn't ask for this. I just fucking gave up my son so he can have a better, saver life so no, I don't know how to handle this! I can't… fuck… I can't okay… just… please tell me what to do. Tell me how I can help you. Don't shut me out. You're not alone in this. You're not the only one who's hurting. Together, remember?" They didn't argue often, but when they did it got ugly real fast. They knew each other too well, have known the other too long and Sara never failed to hit him right where it hurts and push all of his buttons. He knew what she was doing, knew what she was trying to do but he wouldn't play, not this time. He wasn't going to let her push him away again. Not this time. Not now. He took a deep breath to calm himself down and tried a different approach, sort of.

"That's not… look given everything you've been through the last year feeling detached is not a surprise. This doesn't make you a monster, Sara. It's just your way of trying to deal with the emotional overload you're currently going through. You wouldn't be able to function if you didn't compartmentalize and detach yourself from some of it. I want to help you, I want to be here for you, Pretty Bird, but I can only do that if you let me." He did his best to keep his voice calm, but strong, trying to get through to her. Trying to make her see. Trying to make her understand that he understood…

"I know, don't you think I know that? I'm trying. I really am. I just… Ollie, I can't. I don't know what you can do to help. I don't know what I need." Sara was still angry, but there was a slight desperate edge to her voice now.

"I'm not asking you to. I'm not asking you to make a decision right now, Sara. I'm just not sure anymore. I don't know if I can go through with it. I thought I could, but after this morning knowing… seeing her… I just don't know anymore... I just… I don't know if I can give her up, not now that she's become real, become a person. Now that I know that she's a girl, and I thought I could do this because it would be better, saver for her. But she's our baby girl and I can't stand the thought of strangers raising her, not knowing if they treat her right, love her the way we do. With William it was different, I at least know that he's with his mom and that Samantha loves him more than anything. What if the people who adopt her won't? What if they won't treat her like the miracle she is? Won't let her know just how special, precious and loved she is? But on the other hand I don't know if I can do this. She deserves the world and I don't know if I can give her everything she deserves. Be the father she deserves. Being in my life will automatically put a target on her back. What kind of father would I be, if I risked my own child's life for my own selfish reasons?" He wasn't sure what he should do. What the right thing to do was. Keeping their daughter in his life would endanger her, giving her up would mean that she might grow up with people who didn't cherish her the way she deserved to be cherished. Because she was so very precious, his little Hummingbird. The moment he had seen her for the first time and heard her heartbeat he fell in love with her, he was sure of it and he just never thought… he didn't think making this choice would be this hard.

"It's your choice Ollie. I'm not going to make you give it up if you want to keep it. I just… I can't… I can't promise you anything. I won't promise you that you won't have to do it alone. I can't. I don't… I just can't. But if you want to raise the baby, you should. It can't do better than you, Oliver. I know you will be the best father in the world. I just… I can't… it's not even born yet and I'm already fucking it up. You saw what happened three nights ago, I can't even… I don't want to feel this way. I wish I could be happy. I could feel anything besides defeat, numbness and despair, but I can't. It's just too much." It was clear to him now. Sara wasn't going to budge on the subject, she wasn't going to give him an inch today. There was nothing he could say to her right now that would convince her that she was not a monster. That she was not fucking their child up. That she was doing amazing given the circumstances. But she wasn't done yet. Wasn't done trying to push him away. Wasn't done using her anger to keep the pain away. Wasn't done lashing out and trying to hurt him as badly as she was hurting right now.

"Fine, you want me to tell you what I need? What I need right now is to be left the fuck alone." Her voice was curt and cut like a knife. Even more so after the events of the last couple of days, and especially this morning.

"Okay. Okay." his voice was quiet yet understanding, but he knew he also sounded defeated.

She had gone to her room to lie down right after that and he had slumped down in the armchair, head buried in his hands, allowing his exhaustion and desperation to take over for a moment before Digging the picture of his daughter from his wallet.

From the moment Caitlin had told them they were having a girl he couldn't stop but picture a tiny version of Sara, and a long-forgotten memory from their childhood had pushed itself to the forefront of his mind.

A memory of five-year-old Sara, crying in the parking lot in front of the mall because she had been distracted by some birds playing in the bushes and hadn't realized that everyone had walked on, not noticing that she had stopped to watch the birds. She had thought they had forgotten her or left her on purpose, because she had gotten in trouble with the adults before the trip to the mall and again in the car because she was screwing around and not listening.

Both Dinah and his mom had been so frantic and scared once they had realized that the youngest child was no longer with them, and all five of them went looking for her. Thankfully Sara had stayed in the spot they had lost her, still fascinated by the birds but crying desperately. Dinah had rushed to her daughter and hugged her, apologizing and asking her if she was okay and what had happened that had made her stop. All Sara had done was cling to her mom, all the while sobbing, saying that she had thought they had left her because they didn't love her anymore, because she wasn't as good as Laurel and because she was always getting into trouble. And that she didn't mean to get into trouble all the time and that she would be better, she would be good too, just like Laurel. So could they please love her again? He had only been eight at the time and it had gutted him. That had been the moment he had decided to make sure that they would never forget little Sar-Bear again and to always make sure that she wouldn't feel like this again. He hadn't been able to understand back then why Sara had felt that way. He had seen first hand how terrified Mrs. Lance had been at the prospect of her missing daughter, and he had never felt like Mr. and Mrs. Lance loved Sara less than Laurel. Looking back now it wasn't hard to see where she had come from, Laurel had always stuck to the rules and Sara had always broken them even if back then mostly unintentionally, so Sara got punished for breaking the rules and Laurel barely ever got punished because she never broke the rules. So, Sara getting the idea in her head that they might love her less because she wasn't as good as Laurel was easy to understand now. But it was a concept that was hard for a single child to grasp, even more so at only eight years of age.

And all he could see now, thinking about giving their daughter up, was a little version of Sara, standing alone somewhere, crying and wondering if her parents didn't love her and that was why they abandoned her. And that image was killing him.

Yet, the other image that was demanding attention too was that of a mini Sara, lying in her own blood, beautiful little blue eyes frozen open, asking him why he had let her die? Why he hadn't saved her? That this was all his fault, that it could've been prevented if only he hadn't been this selfish. Just like all of her mother's deaths had been the result of his selfish actions.

Oliver was pulled from his thoughts by the weight of a small hand on his shoulder, seeking balance while the body it belonged to climbed into his lap. One knee on each side of his hips, arms moving around his neck and head coming to a resting place between his shoulder and collarbone.

"I'm sorry, Ollie." The words were muffled and mumbled into his neck. He could feel the wetness of her tears on his skin. His arms automatically wrapped around her slight frame pulling her closer, breathing her in while resting his head atop of hers.

"It's okay, Tweety Bird. I know. I Know." He kissed her crown before resting his head back on it. Closing his eyes and basking in her presence. Slightly rocking her back and forth.