Once again I'm asking you to please not hate me.
And as always I do my best to try and do Laurel justice. I love her I swear. She's just in a difficult emotional state right now...
I hope you enjoy the chapter.
As bad as it was, as bad as it hurt I don't regret it Someday you'll see the reason why
Laurel
The last thing Laurel noticed while leaving the Star Labs Hangar was Oliver making yet another phone call. It hadn't taken Laurel long to notice Ollie's slight and uncharacteristically distracted behavior. It wasn't obvious to anyone who didn't know him well enough, but very obvious to her and Thea, and probably Felicity and Dig too, maybe even Roy. He'd glance at his phone a lot, text frequently, well for him anyway, and there had been more than one phone call that he had made. All of this while they were facing the threat of an alien invasion, something that would normally warrant his full, undivided attention. Something that should demand his full attention.
And yet Oliver's mind seemed to be focused on more than this.
It wasn't hard for her to figure out who was responsible for his split attention.
Sara.
And she had to admit it made sense. And of course he would think about the woman who was carrying his child. That didn't change the fact that it stung a little.
Hadn't Oliver told her that it had just been one night, that it had meant nothing, twenty-three days ago when he had shattered her world with the revelation of Sara's unplanned pregnancy? If it had meant nothing, if it had been just one night, then why, why did they… why did their regular get-togethers remind her of that first disastrous family dinner Sara had brought Oliver to all those years ago? The looks and soft smiles they shared, the affectionate touches, the way they appeared to be in synch with each other and the fact that Sara was usually dressed in a shirt of Oliver's and they seemed to share a bed.
Their behavior was as usual very confusing, they were saying one thing and doing another and at the same time seemed to withhold a lot of information.
She sometimes wondered why Oliver and Sara had suggested the weekly lunches and dinners. They didn't really share anything serious or substantial with them. They dodged a lot of questions and avoided talking about the past, the pregnancy and their plans of giving the baby away, anything about their travels that didn't involve food, landscapes, animals or the occasional anecdote, their mental health struggles or really anything serious. So, why did they invite them to spend time with them? What was the real purpose behind their get-togethers? They had said it was about reconnecting and yet they still kept Thea, their dad and herself at arm's lengths. Part of her knew that this was a first step. They had taken the first step and it would take time, but still; it was frustrating, and she sometimes wondered if they really wanted to reconnect. They didn't really seem to give it a chance; they didn't seem willing to let them in, so how was that supposed to work? How were they supposed to reconnect if there was no genuine attempt at connecting on a deeper level made by either Oliver or Sara?
There seemed to be so many topics that were taboo that it was really hard to figure out what to talk about that wasn't just idle chitchat. It made it so much harder. All Laurel wanted was to understand. Understand her sister. Understand Oliver. Understand how they ended up in the situation they found themselves in. Understand why they chose to give their baby away. Understand what exactly was going on between them. And that was not including anything from their past. Yet, their refusal to talk about any of it led to her still not being any closer to understanding any of their choices than she had been when she had first found out about Sara's pregnancy.
And it wasn't just that…
Laurel just didn't understand, couldn't understand… about six months ago Oliver had been engaged to Felicity. He had been willing, even more eager, to spend the rest of his life with her. Oliver loved Felicity so much that he wanted to fully commit to her. That he fought for her. He put his heart on the line for her and shared his feelings with her. Something he wasn't good at doing. Something he had never been good at. Something he didn't like to do. Oliver had let himself be vulnerable in front of Felicity because he loved her so much and wanted her to give them another chance. Because he had wanted to spend the rest of his life with her so badly.
And now… now he was in what reminded her of a common law marriage with her sister.
How did he go from being completely committed to Felicity, to the absolute devotion he showed her sister in less than six months?
How could he go from one extreme to the other in such a short period of time?
Did he simply switch and project his feelings for Felicity onto Sara? Because she was carrying his child? But that thought felt wrong the moment it crossed her mind. Oliver cared deeply for Sara, there was no question of that. He always had, and he wouldn't fake it with her.
Or did it mean he never loved Felicity? But that assumption seemed preposterous. Oliver had obviously been head over heels for the IT-genius. And she was sure that he wasn't pretending with Sara… so how… how was this possible? How could he… It made little sense to her and she just couldn't wrap her head around how fast Oliver moved from one blonde to the other? But then again, hadn't he and Felicity started to have a sort of thing just about the same amount of time after Sara had left Oliver and Star City for the League and Nyssa?
Which was another topic that was off limits, and she just wished they would talk about so she could understand what exactly had happened then. Why Sara had left Oliver. How Oliver had fallen in love with Felicity such a short amount of time after he and Sara had broken up.
Laurel was grateful when her thoughts got interrupted by them arriving at their destination, the building the aliens supposedly held the President hostage in.
Laurel quietly stepped away from everyone and the Bridge after it was decided that they would drop Thea off at home and have her stay with Sara and Sin, helping them take care of baby Sara and protect them if need be. Because Thea was severely shaken by the events that had unfolded, by the reality that the Dominators had created. A reality in which her parents had still been alive. A reality in which Tommy was still alive. A reality that had Roy in Thea's life as her future husband. A reality in which Oliver was happy. A reality in which Thea was and had been a part of her nephew's life from the moment he had been born. A reality in which Thea felt no guilt concerning Sara, because she was happy.
Thea had had everything she had ever wanted in the reality the Dominators had created. Of course, she was shaken by losing it all at once. Knowing that she had willingly given that perfect life up. It wasn't hard to relate to her roommate and friend.
She felt the same way, after all. Tommy had been alive. Tommy had been alive! And happy and he and Oliver had been as close as ever, even with the added distance of the two of them living in different cities.
She and Tommy had been dating. Just starting out. Trying to figure out how to navigate the changes in their relationship, just what it meant for their friendship. God, she hadn't realized just how much she missed Tommy. How she wished things could've been different. That they would've been able to figure out what they had, what it was between them before Oliver had returned.
Or maybe after she had gotten some closure.
If only she would have known then what she knew now. That she and Oliver had been over for good the moment he had decided to take Sara on the Gambit with him. That there had been no chance for them to reconcile after his return, because it wasn't what he wanted. She wasn't what he wanted. If only Oliver had realized that before the night they had spent together. The night that played a part in Tommy's death. Why hadn't she seen, why hadn't she realized what she had had in Tommy? Why hadn't she just listened to Oliver and stayed home? Stayed safe. Tommy would still be alive if she hadn't been so stubborn. If only she had for once done what Oliver told her to.
She and Tommy could've figured it out. Or if not, if he couldn't have found it in himself to forgive her, at least he would still be alive. Still be a part of Thea's life. If not hers and Oliver's.
She couldn't believe that she had once again just walked away from Tommy, this time knowing exactly what she was doing, what she was giving up. She could still recall the way it had felt when he hugged her, right before she had turned around and walked away from him. It had been so hard because the reality the aliens had created had felt so real… Tommy had felt so real. Knowing that it hadn't been, that it had only been a figment of their imagination, in a way at least, was hard to believe. Everything that had happened was really hard to understand.
How was that even possible?
But what confused and threw her the most, surprisingly, was the reality that had been created. The specifics of the world that they had been trapped in. It had been so completely different from their reality that it made her wonder how exactly the Dominators had chosen it. What had made them decide that this world that they had created would keep them from wanting to escape?
Why had they chosen this specific reality?
Of all the things they could've created, all the fantasies they could've made true, that had to involve all five of them, they chose one where her sister had played a prominent part in it. Even more where she had been happily married to Oliver for almost a decade, but not just that a reality in which Oliver and Sara got together when her sister had just turned nineteen, and got married two years later, yet she had only gotten pregnant now... why this? There could've been so many variations, even on how Oliver and Sara could've gotten together and ended up married. Why did they choose this version?
The Dominators had created a world in which Oliver had chosen Sara over her, almost eleven years ago.
Was this what Oliver wished had happened? That he and Sara had gotten involved nine months before the Gambit? That they would've made it official shortly after she broke up with him because of his betrayals?
And had it really been something that had been conjured from their combined imagination? Hers and Thea and Dig and Ray and Oliver's? Parts of it for sure, but it seemed that most of the creation sprang from Oliver's imagination. The biggest junk of the hallucination had centered on Oliver. With Sara, his pregnant wife and William, William who had been a dominant part of his life for as long as the boy had been alive. Samantha and Oliver sharing custody of their son. Oliver got to raise his son in that reality, with Sara, who had played a major part in the reality that was created as their prison. Even though her sister hadn't actually been physically present, like the rest of them. Sara's presence in the fantasy world and the part she had played in it was what had led Laurel to the conclusion that the world that they had been trapped in had been created from Oliver's imagination and Thea, Dig, Ray and her had been put into it and shaped around it so they would fit into the world they had created for Oliver, to trap him in it. A world that they believed would keep him there, would keep him from fighting. Was that why they made Sara pregnant only now in this version of events? To keep it as close to their reality as possible? Was this also why they didn't change the part of their past to the extent that Oliver had never cheated on her with Sara? Or was the fact that even in a made up reality they had still betrayed her, something that had sprung from her own mind?
The world the Dominators had created that had been so far from anything she could've ever imagined…
Oliver's ideal reality, according to Ray, who had agreed with her observation and taken it to another level entirely.
Oliver's ideal reality.
His ideal reality was raising his son from birth with his wife Sara as his stepmom.
Oliver's ideal reality was that he had been happily married to Sara for almost a decade. They hadn't just been happy; they had been blissfully happy. And so very excited about their baby.
It had been such a monumental contrast to their reality in which their child was not something they were happy and excited about, and it was because of that she understood for the first time why they were thinking about giving her niece or nephew up for adoption. She felt like she now understood them better. At least Oliver, but Sara was so much like him.
Oliver's ideal reality showed them what he wanted, more than anything, and that was to be a happy, excited father to be. He wanted for him and Sara to be the type of parents that were waiting in blissful anticipation for the newest member of their family. For them to be nothing but happy about the baby's existence. As a parent should be.
This was what he wanted for his child.
This was what he felt he couldn't give his child right now.
How could she convince him he was wrong? That this was the life he could give his child. That it was within his reach? Maybe not Sara… but again, she didn't know enough or understand the status of their relationship, but him being that version of himself. That excited, happy father to be. He already was, at least there was a part of him that was. The Dominators had not chosen that reality, had not made Sara pregnant in that reality if it wasn't a part of who Oliver was. Who he could be. Who he wanted to be. The thoughts and feelings had to be there for them to create an entire world based on them. They had to be because the aliens' goal had been to keep them trapped in a dream.
She knew Oliver in his bones and she knew that he could be that person he wanted to be. He could reach that version of himself that wanted to be a part of his child's life, that wanted and could raise it. And be happy about it. Be excited about it.
She just hoped he realized that before he was making a permanent mistake that he would end up regretting for the rest of his life.
"Do you really think now's the right time for a phone call? We're about to meet with the President because of an impending alien invasion Oliver, I'm pretty sure Sara survives an hour without hearing from you." Laurel knew she sounded snippy and sort of like a bitch but she was still reeling from everything that had happened to her, to them while they were held hostage by the Dominators. Trying to process everything that had happened and the conclusion she had come to. She felt raw emotionally from everything and watching Oliver act like the dutiful husband, calling the wife before going into battle apparently didn't bring out the best in her and stung a little, even more so because she had overheard part of one of their conversations, well Oliver's side and she realized that he called her sister to talk about what was going on and actually ask her opinion on things. Something he rarely, if ever, did when it came to her or the rest of the Team. He never really asked their opinion or bounced off ideas with them. He just decided on a course of action and stuck with it, no matter if they agreed or not.
Knowing that he actually asked Sara for advice in a battle stung, even more so because Sara was not here, she didn't know what was going on. She wasn't a part of this and yet, Oliver still decided to go to Sara instead of her or Dig, or anyone who was actually a part of this battle and knew the people involved. Laurel knew she was being irrational, but everything was just too much.
"She needs to feel useful, Laurel. Staying back, not being here, is really hard on her. It's a decision she hasn't made lightly, but she knows it's the right thing to do. She feels guilty and useless and thinks she's letting us down. Asking her advice makes her feel useful and means she's helping us the only way she currently can." Of course Oliver would say something that made sense to take the wind out of her sails and make her feel even more guilty and worse than before. She was just thinking about something to reply when Oliver beat her to it.
"You ready? We should get going now if we want to be there before the President arrives." He looked at her expectantly, putting his cell phone away without contacting her sister and offering her a disarming smile, playfully holding his arm out to her. His behavior confused her. There was a time when it wouldn't have. It was a small glimpse, a call back to the Ollie he used to be, the Oliver he had been in the Dominators reality. And she knew that it was a sort of peace offering on his side. Laurel couldn't help but return his infectious smile and go along with his playful attitude, linking her arm with his and joining him on the way to Barry and Roy who were waiting for them.
"Ollie!" Laurel turned around when she heard her sister's voice call out to Oliver, wondering if she was hearing things, Sara was back home in Star City, or wasn't she?
She was surprised when she actually saw Sara rush towards Oliver, who had also turned towards the voice calling out his childhood nickname. He opened his arms and put his weight on the balls of his feet at the same time. Laurel was confused for the split second it took for Sara to jump into their friend's arms, and he both caught and helped hoist her up and get settled, clinging to his body. He had known, Oliver had known, that Sara was going to literally jump him. He had anticipated her reaction and prepared accordingly. How had he known Sara's reaction? This was not at all what she had expected. Her sister was not a big fan of public displays of affection, never had been and Oliver knew that too. So, why wasn't he as surprised by her sister's actions as she and pretty much everyone else in the room?
She watched their emotional interaction in rapt attention. Hoping that maybe, just maybe she would get a glimpse of something she hadn't seen before, learn something new. Hoping they would give up another clue, maybe answer a question of hers.
Yet, at the same time she was reminded of that night, the night Oliver had shown up at her and Thea's doorstep distraught and so very emotional. Looking for Sara. She now, once again, accidentally became a witness to a very private and emotional moment between Oliver and Sara. And like before, she felt like an intruder. She was once again feeling the need to walk away and leave them alone, give them some privacy. The parallels to that night were almost eerie, even more so when she realized that her sister was crying, holding on to Oliver for dear life. Telling him he couldn't leave her, that she couldn't do this without him. Laurel felt a pang and her heart constrict painfully. Seeing Sara this vulnerable, knowing that she would hate this, hate the fact that everyone was watching her fall apart in Oliver's arms. Knowing that Sara would've never let that happen, had the situation been different. Laurel was just about to turn away and herd everyone out of the room to provide the pair with some well-deserved privacy when Oliver kissed her sister. And for some reason she couldn't turn away, she couldn't move her eyes away from them. She was mesmerized by the raw emotion, the multitude of feelings they seemed to convey in that one single, very passionate kiss. But it was what came after, when they came up for air that had her feet trapped in place, rooted to the floor beneath them.
"I love you."
Oliver's words stunned her, even though part of her only felt confirmed in something that she had realized nine months ago. She had known that night that Oliver had shown up at Thea and her apartment to see Sara, their interaction, she had known but still… his words hurt, his confirmation of her suspicion hurt. She knew that it shouldn't but it still did. It almost felt like Sara took that last thing away, the last thing she had when it came to Oliver that her sister didn't have. She knew it was silly, childish even, but until now she could at least pretend that... that what? That Oliver at least hadn't loved Sara? Didn't love Sara? It wasn't as if it changed anything. Whether or not he loved her sister didn't change any of the facts. And the facts were that Oliver had chosen Sara over her numerous time, even while claiming he loved her. So having him confess his feelings to Sara now, in front of everyone, changed nothing concerning that fact and the relationship she had with her ex-boyfriend. But still... it felt like something had just fundamentally changed.
This felt final.
Almost as if...
Laurel turned towards Felicity when Oliver walked away, with Sara still in his arms. The look on the blonde's face confirmed what she felt. Felicity had noticed it too.
Oliver had just sealed their fate. There was no going back now.
He had made his choice. For good.
Laurel suddenly realized that Sara had never returned Oliver's sentiment. He had told her he loved her and she had simply told him she was aware of that. No, I love you too, no nothing. And Oliver didn't seem to have cared about her sister's lack of reciprocation.
I've known since Lian Yu… I've known since Lian Yu… her sister's words kept on repeating in her head. I've known since Lian Yu… since Lian Yu… of course she knew that Sara had been on the Island with Oliver, she had learnt about the fact that Sara had been on Lian Yu with Ollie for some of the time they've been away, but again, she didn't know for how long or when exactly and what had happened. All she knew is what she and her dad had learnt from Ra's al Ghul and Nyssa. And that wasn't much. Oliver never actually talked about or shared any information about it with them. She had wondered for a while and then almost forgotten about it. Until now.
I've known since Lian Yu.
Ollie had looked surprised by Sara's words, which did not help clear up her own confusion and just made her wonder more.
You've always been a little slow and had serious issues when it came to sorting your emotions.
What did she mean by that? She was right of course, Oliver had never and still wasn't good when it came to understanding his emotions and giving word to them, but what exactly did Sara mean? What was she saying?
You've always been a little slow and had serious issues when it came to sorting your emotions… I've known since Lian Yu…
What was she saying? Was she saying Oliver had been in love with her sister for longer than that? That Sara had simply only realized it on Lian Yu? Or what was she saying?
Or was her sister saying something else entirely, and she was simply projecting a meaning to the words that did not actually collaborate with the truth? Was she questioning and interpreting more into those sentences than was actually true because this would be the meaning she was afraid of? Because she was afraid to learn the truth on how Sara and Oliver ended up screwing behind her back. She had never asked; she had attacked them, accused them of things.
There had been 'How could you's, and 'she was my sister's or 'with MY boyfriend's…
but she had never asked them why.
Because she wasn't sure she wanted to know why. Was actually afraid to learn about the why. It was easier to not know for sure. To not have them confirm or deny some of her worst fears. Ignorance was bliss after all, but was it? Maybe her mom was right. Maybe it was time she started to ask those questions she still wasn't sure she wanted the answers to, but she needed to know. She needed to know why. Why, she hadn't been enough for Oliver. Why Sara had betrayed her like this. She needed to know why Oliver had chosen Sara over her. What her sister had that she didn't.
And maybe once she knew once they've given her the answers, she could finally move past it. For good. Accept it as something bad that had happened in the past, that shaped her into who she was, but that didn't define her. Maybe then she could look at Sara and Oliver without any negative feelings. Could wish with all of her heart that they would figure this out, that they could work through whatever it was and chose to keep and raise their baby together as a family. And genuinely be happy for them when they did.
All she wanted was for Oliver and Sara to be happy and to be able to be happy for them too, without feeling any resentment. God, she wished that getting those answers would take care of those negative feelings. Let her finally move on.
Notes:
So, yeah... let me know what you think.
Just a little fyi, it might still be quite a few chapters away but the talk between Sara and Laurel is almost entirely written and part of the one between Oliver and Laurel too. I can't say yet when it will happen but I'm happy I've written most of it.
So I've been feeling a little off lately and I hope it hasn't affected my writing. I'm sorry if it has...I'm working on solving the issues
Chapter titel is from the song 'Good in goodbye' by Carrie Underwood.
