Chapter 30

I need you to know, I would never be this strong without you You've seen how I've grown, you took all my doubts, 'cause you were home

Felicity

"Ollie!"

There were exactly three women she knew that called him that, two of which were at home in Star City. Or at least they were supposed to be as far as she knew, and she was talking to the third one. Felicity and everyone she'd been talking to turned around as one by the sound of Oliver's childhood nickname, to see what was going on.

The scene that played out in front of her eyes surprised her on more than one level. She watched Sara rush to Oliver's side, jumping into his arms. Oliver, who was still wearing the Green Arrow's suit, caught her effortlessly and almost habitually, holding on to her tightly once she had wrapped herself around the tall man. The whole scene had looked almost rehearsed. Almost as if they've done this a million times before… and maybe they had. Maybe this was something that Sara used to do before… before they got shipwrecked.

Felicity had spent a lot of time thinking about Oliver's words. More specifically, the part when he mentioned Sara was someone he had known for over twenty years. She had of course known that they've known each other for a long time, but she hadn't been aware of just how long.

They grew up together.

Oliver and Sara and Laurel grew up together. Which meant there was a lot of backstory she was missing. It probably also meant that Oliver's affair with Sara might have been more complex than she had thought. That things weren't what they seemed. Maybe. She didn't actually know that. She didn't really know anything about Oliver's affair with Sara or how it came to be. Just like she didn't really know anything about Oliver's relationship with Laurel. She knew that he had loved her. And yet he had cheated on her with her sister. Sure. But she didn't know any specifics. And she suddenly realized that no one actually did. Because Oliver never shared any information about his relationships with Laurel and Sara before Lian Yu. Well, that wasn't entirely true. She and Dig had never actually asked him about his connection with the Lance sisters, beyond the obvious. They never actually questioned him as to why they were so important to him and he was willing to risk everything for either of them.

He had known them for over twenty years.

Oliver had known Laurel and Sara for longer than Thea was alive.

It had taken Oliver getting angry at her for her to realize that.

The scene playing out in front of her ripped her back into reality.

And she wasn't sure if she saw right. And even less heard right.

"I love you."

Hearing him say those words to another woman hurt. It hurt more than she thought it would. The fact that it was Sara didn't help. Neither did the words the blonde spoke as a reply.

"I know. I've known since Lian Yu."

Because it was Sara, and Felicity had always felt an insecurity when it came to the other woman, she had always wondered about Oliver and his feelings for Sara. Because Sara was the one woman, the one woman Oliver wasn't willing to give up, the one woman he had fought for to keep her in his life. The one woman he had risked everything for more than once.

He had risked his relationship with Laurel for her. Laurel, who he had always claimed he loved so much. Yet, he hadn't loved her enough to keep his hands off Sara.

It made her wonder, and not for the first time, that if Sara hadn't left Oliver, if she hadn't died… would Oliver and she have ever gotten involved? If Sara hadn't removed herself from the equation, would Oliver ever even have fallen in love with her?

Felicity watched them intently with a heavy heart, realizing for the first time that she and Oliver were over.

For good.

And it was all her fault. She had left him, but not just that, she had driven him away with her actions. She had been the reason that he had felt the need to leave. She had been the one who pushed him away, with as much force as she could muster. She had made him run, run from her. She had made him run all the way back into Sara's arms.

That moment would stay with Felicity for a long time.

The way Oliver had looked at Sara… she couldn't remember Oliver ever looking at her like that. Couldn't recall Oliver ever looking at anyone like that.

Like she was his entire world, the only thing that mattered.


Felicity was taken aback by the sign that she was greeted with when she turned towards the door. Roy, Thea, Oliver and Sara came through it as a group, everyone had been wondering where the four had gone off to… but that wasn't what had taken her aback… well she guessed more accurately would have been Arsenal, Speedy, Green Arrow and Canary, except that given Sara's outfit Green Canary might be more appropriate, because she was wearing Oliver's old suit jacket over her own suit, well at least the pants. She really doubted that Sara would've managed to get into the very tight top half of her outfit. Thinking about it now, she seriously wondered how the pregnant woman had managed to get into her equally tight pants.

Felicity wondered and questioned for a moment why Sara was in her old suit. And then the journalists and politicians started to notice the Canary's presence too, and it was suddenly very quiet in the room as a hush fell over it. Felicity looked around for a moment and saw the shocked and intrigued faces she turned around once and ended up facing her team again, that was when she saw Sara, strong, not backing down from anything Sara, waver, she seemed to suddenly feel uncomfortable and looked about ready to bolt. And then Oliver put his hand on her shoulder and smiled at her, while Thea took her hand and started to drag her towards the stage, Roy putting his hand on her arm encouragingly. She saw Oliver bent down and whisper something to her, Roy nodding in agreement, and Sara looked around the room once more before straightening her shoulders and walking forward.

It was while watching the interaction between those four that she figured out what they were doing and why they were doing it.

They were using this unique opportunity to make sure Sara got the recognition she deserved. Felicity was sure that after today, everyone would know just what the Canary had done for Star City and especially the women in the Glades, and she couldn't help herself and started to clap and cheer in support of her friend. Of the hero she had first learnt about through the police scanners and news, the mystery woman attacking attackers. She was grinning from ear to ear and watching Sara proudly, while she stood on stage next to Oliver and Roy.


Sara was her friend. Felicity was sure of that, had been sure of that for years. But then why, why did she suddenly feel she didn't know her at all? Watching Sara interact with Oliver and Roy, and his Team, all relaxed and laid back, even with Thea close by, made her wonder and realize that maybe she didn't really know Sara after all.

She was suddenly reminded of her and Oliver's argument almost a month ago, and how he had pointed out exactly that.

She didn't know Sara, not really, she never really took the time to get to know the other woman. And Oliver had been right with what he had said.

"… a woman I have known for over twenty years and my relationship with her. Someone you called your friend while telling me that the way I was grieving her was wrong. You have no idea, no idea what she's going through…"

His words had been harsh, but she had to admit, there had also been a lot of truth in them. Especially when it came to Sara and her feelings towards Sara. She had felt threatened from the moment the Canary had joined Team Arrow, and not just because of her involvement with Oliver, which had stung but because she had so much in common with the boys. Because they had loved her, because she had fit right in with them. Sara had been one of them, they had respected her in a way and on a level Felicity had never felt they did her. She was the tech support who needed to be protected. No one had tried to protect Sara, because Sara didn't need to be protected, Sara had been the one who had done the protecting.

Oliver had just integrated her in the Team with no question, no explanation, no nothing. One day it had been Oliver, Dig, Roy and her and the next Sara had been a part of it. Without warning or letting them know. Oliver had just pulled her into his team and made her second in command, just like that. And it had thrown her. Because Oliver didn't trust easily, Oliver had gotten so mad at her and Dig after they had told Barry about the Green Arrow to save his life, yet he just made room for Sara, created a space for her that hadn't been there before and just expected them all to be fine and roll with it. She had logically known that Oliver and Sara had known each other for a long time, just like he and Laurel, yet that had never actually crossed her mind or played into her thoughts when she wondered why he just thrust Sara in their team and trusted her more than anyone else. She had known that Oliver and the Lance sisters had known each other for a long time but she had never realized, until Oliver had actually pointed it out to her, that they had known each other for more than twenty years, they had actually known each other for longer than Thea had been alive. That was a long time, and a lot of things concerning Oliver and his behavior towards both Lance sisters made so much more sense now.

Sara's direct, no-nonsense attitude or reserved personality hadn't helped. The way she talked and held herself had been in statements and facts. Sara had intimidated her. And she hadn't known what to make of the woman.

She had felt threatened as the Team's "Girl".

Especially after she had overheard a conversation between the couple shortly after the events with the Clock King. She hadn't been able to make out Sara's words, just the teasing edge to them, but she had had no trouble making out Oliver's amused ones.

"You know me, Sar, I don't fuck with girls, too much drama, I like women." She had heard Sara snort in amusement and could see Oliver smirk at her, his hand on her tight, while he was leaning in to capture the blonde's lips in a passionate kiss.

She had felt like an idiot. Even though to this day she didn't know whether they had even been talking about her or not. But simply the fact that she had referred to herself as a girl and Oliver had in return called her a girl too while he was obviously looking at Sara as a woman, given his words, had been reason enough for her to feel like a fool and insecure about her friend's girlfriend.

Yet, Sara had been nothing but kind to her. Even after she had been a little cold and snappish towards her. Sara had still offered her help and support. And tried to ease the tension Oliver's attitude sometimes created.

She would never forget Sara's reaction when she learnt about Helena. Felicity had been completely taken by surprise by Sara's reaction. She still wasn't sure that she remembered it correctly. And she would never understand how Sara could've reacted the way she did after learning about her boyfriend's psychotic ex.

Sara had been amused.

Not jealous, not angry, not any other reaction that would've been normal.

No, she had been amused and teased Oliver about it.

Remembering that moment brought back the same thoughts she's had back then, wondering how they ended up being so secure in their relationship that they were amused about skeletons in their closets that may come back to try and kill them. She would really love to find out more about them. And who they used to be before Lian Yu.

Felicity swore then and there that she would make more of an effort and get to know Sara better.


Sara

Ollie turned around and walked out of the room with her still in his arms. She didn't know where they were going, not that it mattered. There was no place on earth she wouldn't let him carry her to, no place she wouldn't follow him to.

He seemed to have reached their destination when he slightly shifted her in his arms again, so he could sit down, still holding on to her and making sure she was sitting in his lap. He leaned forward and gave her another lingering kiss that she happily returned, she would've been more than willing to take it further, but Ollie ended the kiss sooner than she wanted to and took her wandering hands in order to keep her from undressing him then and there, chuckling at her.

"As much as I like the direction you're trying to take this, and believe me I really, really do, we don't have a lot of time before the President will arrive and it's important I talk to you before she does."

Oh, she was very aware of how much he wanted to... it was kinda hard to ignore, no pun intended, well maybe a little intended, given the fact that she was sitting in his lap. She demonstratively shifted in his lap and pouted at his words. He had been abducted by fucking aliens. She had almost lost him again, and her hormones were seriously out of whack right now and driving her crazy. Besides, him being in his leathers did not help her situation at all, even less the proof of the effect she was having on him.

She had forgotten just how hot he looked in his suit.

"How bout a quickie? Or you know, multitasking, I do all the work while you talk..." she tried to convince him, biting his ear.

Oliver groaned lowly at her words and actions, cursing in Russian... looking at her in annoyed exasperation. She just cocked an eyebrow in a challenge, looking innocently at him, while she shifted again, racking her nails over his neck. So, what if she used the fact that she knew him and what he liked against him? Or how to get what she wanted from him to her advantage? It wasn't as if he'd never done the same or wouldn't do the same if their situations were reversed.

"Sar..." he started, but he sounded slightly winded and seemed to be in a lot of discomfort, so it ended up more like a groan. Looked like she was seriously getting to him now.

"Hmmm…" she used her other hand to tug at his hair, so he had to bend his head to the side and she could rack her nails down his neck, into his suit towards his shoulder.

"Sara... hold on. We need to... this is important, wait, we need to talk. There's plenty of time for this later. And I promise, I'll make it up to you." She let him finish before bending down and kissing him hard and deep, making sure that he knew exactly what she was more than willing to give him right here, right now. Once they needed to part to catch their breaths, she shifted back a little to put some space in between them.

"Fine. Go ahead, talk. But you owe me, big time." She finally relented, looking forward to him making it up to her, because she knew he always delivered.


"I don't know Ollie. I didn't do anything to help." Sara wasn't sure about his idea or how everyone else would perceive it. She had done nothing to help them fight the aliens. She had been safely enclosed in their apartment in Star City. Besides, it wasn't like she had her suit with her, or would fit into it if she had. There was no way for them to conceal her pregnancy in her suit, and the last thing either of them wanted was for the whole damn world and everyone with a grudge against them to know about their baby and her vulnerable state.

"Are you serious? You let me bounce off ideas and help me come up with or improve my plans. You also provided me with a place to give voice to my frustrations, I swear I would've shot Barry and Cisco at least once each if I wouldn't have been able to talk to you and get rid of my frustration that way. And if you wouldn't have reminded me why shooting them was a bad idea." Ollie looked at her as if she had lost her mind.

Huh, it never crossed her mind that talking to her had actually had such an impact on Ollie. That she had helped him. That she hadn't been useless, as she perceived.

"Besides, it doesn't matter whether you helped this time around or not. You would've been here with us if you could've. That's all that matters. And you have done plenty and helped so many people… it's about time you get some recognition for it. And believe me, no one's going to object to that. Trust me." He put his hand on her cheek and looked at her with so much conviction, tenderness and pride that she could do nothing but to agree with him. It wasn't fair. How was anyone supposed to tell him no, when he looked at them this way?

"Okay. But how… what are we going to do about the pregnancy? Kinda hard to hide it in my corset." She brought up the most challenging part of his plan.


Sara was slightly amused when Roy and Thea told her about the solution they've come up with to hide her pregnancy from the public's eye.

She turned to Ollie and looked at him bemused, a look her friend returned. She cocked an eyebrow while turning to Roy, who just winked at her and smirked. All three of them knew it was far from the first time that she'd be donning the top half of Ollie's old suit... there had been more than one occasion where Roy had walked into the Foundry after a late night and Dig and Felicity had already left and she had grabbed the first piece of clothing within reach to cover herself up. Given his smirk, she was sure he recalled those incidents too, and they were at least partially responsible for him coming up with this idea. And to be fair, it wasn't far-fetched on Thea's side either to decide to put her in her brother's clothes... after all, she was still preferring Ollie's shirts over the maternity ones her mom had made her buy. She wore the pants, but she refused to wear the shirts.

Ollie's were far more comfortable, and they smelled like him, mostly because she wore them after he had put them on for a few hours or a day... but that was beside the point. Ollie's shirts helped keep her grounded. Her sense of smell was different, and a lot of scents she used to be fine with made her queasy now, so wearing Ollie's shirts gave her something to smell in those situations that eased the queasiness. She had been told by more than one person, that she could just spray his cologne on her clothes in that case, but they didn't get it. All that would do was make her clothes smell like Ollie's cologne, not like Ollie, because what was missing in that scenario was the scent that was uniquely Ollie. An odor she had gotten accustomed to during their months together on Lian Yu. His cologne had changed over the years, but his base scent had not. And that was actually what calmed her down, made her feel safe, what she associated with home. The unique scent that was simply Ollie, a scent she had only ever really registered on Lian Yu where he obviously hadn't been wearing any cologne or used any fragranced soap, or any soap really, to wash himself. It was one reason it didn't bother her to snuggle up to him right after he had worked out or come out of a fight and smelled like sweat and possibly blood and dirt; it was a combination she had gotten accustomed to on the Island. It was a smell that represented home to her, just as much as Ollie's scent did right after a shower, or while they had been travelling or when they were just spending a day at home and he didn't bother with cologne.

Not that she would ever admit any of this to anyone. Ever! She had a reputation to uphold, after all. And Roy would never let her live it down if he learnt the truth.


Sara walked into the room with Ollie, Roy and Thea and stopped dead in her tracks when she saw just how many people there were. This was a bad idea. She couldn't do this. This was too much. What if… she was about ready to turn around and walk back out the way she came in when she felt the heavy weight of a very familiar hand on her shoulder, only moments before a small hand grabbed one of hers and another strong hand encouragingly touched her arm. Sara turned her head to look at Ollie, Ollie who smiled at her and looked at her with so much pride in his eyes. He gave her a soft nod before bending towards her to whisper in her ear.

"C'mon Pretty Bird, you can do this. I'm right here with you, I'm not leaving your side. Together." His words gave her the strengths she needed, and she pulled back her shoulders and straightened her back, returning his smile with a soft one of her own. She wrapped her fingers around Thea's hand in hers and lifted her other one to squeeze Roy's on her arm in silent thanks, before letting Thea drag her forward and towards the stairs. Amidst a quiet mumble of the press and everyone else present.

Sara felt very uncomfortable and insecure standing on the stage, being scrutinized by everyone in the room. She didn't deserve this. She didn't do anything to earn this. She didn't belong here. She didn't belong here on stage with everyone else. She wasn't a hero. She wasn't a hero like them. She looked towards the crowd again, watching them watch her. Fear gripped her heart, what if, what if they found out? What if just one person out here suspected that she was pregnant? It would put her baby in danger. It would put her baby in even more danger than it already was. Sara could feel her lungs constrict and her breathing turn painful, it was in that moment that Ollie's hand interlocked with her's. She turned her head slightly in his direction, just enough that she could catch his eyes. His beautiful eyes that were gazing at her softly. She could feel his fingers squeezing hers encouragingly while his thumb rubbed soothing circles on the back of her hand. Breathing became easier again and she could feel herself relax.

She slowly returned her eyes back to the crowd, and it was at that moment that she could hear Felicity call her vigilante name and cheer for her. She sought out her friend in the midst of everyone and focused on her friendly face.


"You smell and taste different." Ollie's unexpected words surprised Sara. They've been quietly basking in each other's arms, after Ollie had finally gotten around to making good on his word and make his earlier refusal up to her. It had taken longer than she would've liked though.

There had been the ceremony, and the official party after the ceremony and then the after party with just the teams and then the debate whether everyone should already head back home or if they should all spend the night and the following day just to hang out and get to know each other better. To both her any Ollie's dismay, they've been overruled and everyone was spending the night and following day together. Well, at least that decision had led to Ollie excusing both of them right after and taking her to one of the rooms that were a part of the Star Labs Hangar.

"It's the hormones" she replied automatically, still confused by his words. They've had sex before in the last couple of months. Was he only now noticing that, or why was he sharing that with her now when he never had before?

"I know." Was all he said while kissing and nibbling on her shoulder, collarbone and neck, she was sure she was going to end up with at least one hickey if he kept it up.

"Different in a bad way?" Fine, if he was just throwing that out there and leaving it hang between them without elaborating at least a little, she was going to dig to get more information on what he meant and why he was bringing it up now.

"No, just different." He lifted his head and stopped his ministrations just long enough to answer her before he actually licked a trail from her shoulder all the way up to her chin, to then kiss the rest of the way up until he could capture her lips with his in a passionate kiss.

"Don't worry, Pretty Bird, you're still my favorite flavor." His words were spoken teasingly, and he was grinning at her before returning his lips back to hers, letting his hands trail down her body until they reached her hips and he flipped her around the next time their lips parted to get some more air. So, her back was facing his chest now. One of his hands was moving down until he reached her tight, lifting it and throwing her leg over his, all the while nibbling on her neck again.

"Ollie…" His name came out sounding breathless, and it didn't take long for her to forget her train of thoughts and pretty much anything that wasn't directly related to Ollie's ministrations…


Sara had woken up a while ago, she's been watching Ollie sleep ever since. She still couldn't believe what had happened. She couldn't believe Ollie just changed the rules on her with no warning whatsoever.

She couldn't believe that Ollie had told her he loved her.

Even less in front of everyone. Not that she hadn't known. She had since Lian Yu, like she told him.

Ollie had executed Anthony in cold blood for her. After he had refused to when he should've done it. When it might have changed the outcome of events. He executed him in cold blood when he no longer had any reason to. Ollie had executed Anthony in cold blood so she didn't have to. If she'd had any doubt concerning his feelings for her after all the times he had thrown himself between her and a gun, it would've been gone then for sure.

It was just that they didn't do this. They didn't do shit like this. They didn't talk about their feelings for each other. They didn't... because... because they didn't do this... because how was she... how was he... how were they supposed to move on, go on with their lives without each other now after he told her... she couldn't... she couldn't tell him... she just couldn't tell him... because she knew... she knew that once she did, there was no going back... no more walking away... once she told him she loved him she would be done for. She wouldn't... if she ever lost him again... how was she supposed to go on? How could she go on? People couldn't seriously expect her to, right? But then again, what about their baby? So how could she tell him, how could she bind herself to him in this way, knowing that once she did there was no more walking away, no more running away? She would be his forever, well she already was, had been for years, but it would be different.

There would be no more moving on, no more Nyssa's or Felicity's.

If they'd fuck it up again, they'd both be done for.

Destined to spend the rest of their lives alone. Could she risk this? Was she willing to risk this? Could she really commit to him like this?

She knew she loved him. There wasn't even a question about that. Had for more years than she cared to admit. But admitting it to herself and saying it out loud, to Ollie no less, were two entirely different things.

How could she tell him, knowing that eventually she was going to walk away from him again? Because it was the right thing to do. Because she was dangerous and a monster, and he deserved so much better. He deserved to be with someone whose hands weren't painted in red. Someone who wasn't a monster. And damaged beyond repair. Ollie deserved only the very best, and that wasn't her. It never had and it never will be.

She was a monster and always would be.

"A kiss for your thoughts." She blinked in surprise and realized that Ollie was awake and looking straight at her while his hand was softly stroking her side. From the look on his face, she concluded he had been doing all of it for a while already.

"I… nothing, it's nothing. Not important." She tried to get out of having this conversation right now. She didn't want to have it ever, but least of all right now. She didn't want to ruin the mood, she didn't want to have the possible argument that would result from it here, in Central City where too many people would be subjected and become witnesses to yet another private moment between them that was not meant to be shared with anyone else. It could at least wait until they were back home and alone.

"Sara…" he looked at her the way he did when he knew she was lying, and his voice had that specific tone to it that he again only ever used when he knew she was refusing to tell him something that was important.

"It doesn't matter. Not enough to talk about it right now. I'll tell you when we're home. I promise." There was no point in trying to get out of telling him at all, but she might get out of telling him now. Which would also buy her more time to figure out what to say exactly. How to stop things from getting more serious than they already were. This was never supposed to happen. They were never supposed to happen again. They were supposed to be done. For good. She should've never let them get to this point again. She was only going to hurt him again. She was only going to break his heart again. She wasn't sure she could bear it. She could bear being the cause of his pain again. She wished, just for a moment, she wished that things could be simpler. That she wouldn't have to hurt him again. She just wanted to pretend, just for a moment, she just wanted to pretend that everything would be fine. That they would be fine.

Sara looked at Ollie, watched him analyze her and weighting the pros and cons on pushing her to tell him what was bothering her or letting it go for now and bringing it back up once they were home.

"I'm pretty sure you promised me breakfast and I'm starving." She decided to change the subject for now. And food was always a good way to go. Ollie had made it his priority to make sure that she ate properly and regularly.

"You're right. Well, then let's get up, there's this nice Diner close by that serves pancakes, just the way you like them." Ollie gave her another lingering stare before kissing her softly and getting up in order to get dressed and take her to get breakfast.