Chapter forty-one
Roy carried Ed back with him to the house. Pinako was waiting for them by the front door, puffing her pipe. "Breakfast is on the table. Eat and then we'll talk."
And so Roy carried Ed into the kitchen where Ed refused to sit anywhere else than on Roy's lap. This resulted in another grunt from the old lady. Roy felt bad, he had adopted her grandchildren without giving her a heads up first. He had been marvelling in the joys of fatherhood too much to consider that he might even have turned Ed against her.
Once they were done eating, Roy looked down at Ed and turned him around to face him. "Okay, Ed, we're going to talk now, so I want you to go upstairs and sit with one of the books in my suitcase, okay?" Roy knew that letting Ed get consumed by a book was the best way to make sure that he didn't listen to Roy and Pinako arguing. Kids shouldn't have to listen to that and Roy had no idea how the conversation would turn out. For all he knew, Pinako may be so angry with him in the end that he would have to spend the night in a tent instead. Because Roy may be afraid of her, but if they didn't find things out, then Ed and Al both would just suffer, and Roy wasn't going to have any of that.
Ed looked up at him and nodded. "Okay, Daddy." Ed then sat up on his knees on Roy's lap and kissed his cheek before he slid off and went out of the kitchen. Pinako closed the kitchen door and looked at Roy with crossed arms.
"That boy really loves you, doesn't he?" she said, sighing.
"Not as much as I love him. Love them both. I just wish I'd seen it sooner while I still had Fullmetal."
"So you see them as two different boys?" Pinako sounded interested.
"Yes. Fullmetal was shaped by events that will never happen to Ed. Ed will grow up to be someone else. I've lost Fullmetal and I was too late to realise how I cared about him. I don't deserve to be the one raising Ed, but I'll do my best to do so all the same."
"That's the least you can do! I'll be blunt: you took my grandson away from me. I have heard the nightmares and they are because of what you let happen to him. The boy lost ten years of his life which also happen to be the ten most important years for him and his brother."
"Don't you think I know that?! Don't you think I know that I recruited a fucking kid and was piss-poor CO?! I've failed those boys so many times and I damn well know it! Don't you think I feel like I'm being strangled all the time by the fact that I am the reason that Fullmetal is gone?! Don't you think I miss him like hell?! That I still wake up crying in the middle of the night because I dream about the kid?! That in my dreams he is crying and in pain and that fire in his eyes has gone out because of me?! I've lost count of how many times I've watched that kid die in my nightmares these last two months! And it hurts just as much every fucking time! It never gets better! NEVER!" Roy had started out trying to keep his temper in check, but with just having heard his son's crying and knowing that he was hurting he didn't have a chance. "I'M IN AGONY EVERY FUCKING SECOND AND IF I DIDN'T HAVE MY SONS THEN I DON'T KNOW WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED! THEY MEAN EVERYTHING TO ME! I KNOW I FUCKED UP! I KNOW! I KNOW I MADE THEIR LIVES A BLOODY MESS AND THAT THEY DESERVE SOMEONE A HELL OF A LOT BETTER THAN ME! I KNOW THAT THEY SHOULD NEVER HAVE GOT CLOSE TO ME BECAUSE THE RESULT IS THAT THEY GET BURNED LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE I TOUCH! BUT THEY DID! THEY DID AND NOW I WON'T EVER LET THEM GO BECAUSE I LOVE THEM! I MAY BE A BASTARD, BUT I AM NOT A COWARD AND THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL THAT I AM GOING TO LEAVE THEM LIKE THAT OTHER BASTARD DID! SO EITHER YOU THROW ME OUT LIKE I ACTUALLY DESERVE OR YOU HAVE TO ACCEPT ME BECAUSE I'M THEIR FATHER NOW!"
Roy glared at the old woman, his previous fear of her forgotten. She looked at him just slightly taken aback.
She didn't say anything for half a minute where Roy was basically spending his time gripping the back of his chair while trying to calm himself down.
Then she made three coughing laughs and smirked ever so slightly. "Well, that is certainly a lot more than what I ever get out of Hohenheim."
"Don't even compare me to that man…" Roy hissed. "He didn't even know that Trisha Elric was dead!"
Her eyebrows shot up. "You met him?"
"A few weeks ago. In the middle of Central City Train Station of all places. He didn't know that it was Al in the armour and he wouldn't have known it was us at all if it hadn't been for Ed. Our conversation was short because Ed understandably ran off in tears," Roy stated coldly.
"So I take it he didn't say much, huh? That stupid, old fool."
Roy sighed heavily. "Listen: I know you don't like me or my actions and that Ed and Al were your grandsons long before I even met them. I know that you have every right to hate me and that I deserve it. But I also know that I'm their father and that they see me like that too. I will get Al's body back and I will try to raise them as best I can. I didn't ask for their love because I don't deserve it and I never will. It just happened. But I love them with every fibre of my being."
Pinako puffed her pipe again, clearly deep in thought. She waited for a while before speaking again. "We received his old limbs last week. As their father, I guess you'd like to decide what to do with them."
Roy felt his heart clench at the thought. The horror of receiving Fullmetal's old prosthetics, his limbs. The unbearable reminder that their owner was gone forever.
Roy couldn't help it, tears began running down his cheeks and he wiped them away. He missed his subordinate every single second, yet he was still happier than he could ever remember being because of his sons. But the hurt of losing the kid was growing stronger and stronger with each day as the knowledge that Fullmetal was never returning from another mission started to sink in. Fullmetal was gone forever. And he didn't even have a funeral.
"I'd like to bury them. I want the amazing boy we knew to get a proper grave. He's not dead, I know, but I want to have some kind of memorial or something. To have a place to mourn him. To mourn the boy he became and never will be again." Roy put his face in his hands. "Please."
Alphonse arrived at the house with the two dogs and Riza to hear a series of grunts and the sound of digging at the back of the house. Curious, he gave Rolf's leash to Riza as he walked around the house to find Dad digging a hole in the garden, his face streaked with tears and dirt. He was only wearing his boxers and undershirt and he was even barefoot. Yet he was digging like his life depended on it. "Dad? What's going on?"
Dad looked up at that, obviously not having heard him coming. Tears were pressing at the corners of his eyes and he looked miserable. "Hi, Al. I'm giving your brother a proper grave." His voice sounded strangled as he said it. "Pinako asked me what I'd like to do with his automail limbs, and I wanted to give that fantastic boy we lost a memorial. I hope it's okay with you." His face was so filled with anguish, Al didn't even know what to say. He just walked forwards and hugged him. He had a feeling that Dad had had a breakdown. Al knew he was grieving Brother, but seeing him looking so lost, hurt Al so much. Dad wasn't just grieving the loss of his subordinate, but also the son he could have had, it was clear on his face. Dad was just leaning against Al's chest and Al gently patted his back. "I'll help you."
And so he broke out of the hug and went to fetch another shovel and set to work, none of them speaking. And Al felt it was nice to know that they were burying Big Brother's memory here in Resembool. Al was grieving, but not physically. He couldn't get that feeling of his stomach being twisted by grief, the pain in his chest. He couldn't even cry. But the mental pain was there. It was there everyday and Al knew that if it hadn't been for the fact that Brother wasn't dead and he was happy and only younger, then Al didn't think he could have dealt with it. But it was still Ed. Al could still remember Ed from when he was this age. When the two of them ran around together to show Mom each of their transmutations. When they would wake up and one or both of them would run into her room and jump up into the bed and hug her while she laughed and hugged them back, even if it was only four in the morning.
Al missed those days and it was clear to him that Ed missed the young him too. But Ed would grow up again, but this time as Dad's son too. He wouldn't grow up to be Edward Elric. He'd be Edward Elric-Mustang.
And Al's life had changed a lot too. He wasn't Ed's little brother like he used to be. He had got a new life too.
After all, he was Alphonse Elric-Mustang.
With a hyphen.
