First of all I'm as shocked as you guys are, I'm never this good at updating! Maybe the New Year is having a positive influence on me. Anyway, wanted to thank 97 and Nikola Tancic for your lovely reviews, you guys are the reason I got this out so soon! Lastly, wanted to warn you all that more angst is on its way!
3 Days Later...
Aang's POV:
I lie on my bed with my arms cushioning my head as I stare at the ceiling deep in thought. 'Thankfully the muscle pain is quite infrequent now a days. I just wish I could say the same about the emotional pain. Everyone's been alright but Katara has just withdrawn away from me since our last conversation.' I continue staring up until a knock startles me out of my thoughts.
"Come in." I call out. Barely a second later Katara emerges from behind the previously closed door and my lips twitch slightly in a grimace. 'Great another awkward session. It's bad enough that she's barely speaking a word to me outside of our physio sessions but now she's adopted some sort of impersonal persona. She's upset with me for some reason and I have no idea why! Well, I do…but I thought we worked something out last time, obviously not.' She throws me a small smile as she walks closer and perches on the edge of my bed.
"How are you feeling today?" I blink befuddled at Katara's sudden change of attitude, the warmth in her words is a nice change from her usual cold tone. I push myself up until I'm now sitting with my legs loosely crossed.
"I'm better, much better than I was a few days ago. The exercises have really helped. Thank you." The master Waterbender nods in acknowledgement, then her eyes stray to the bottle of pills on my bedside table.
"Then I think it's better you go off the pills before you become too reliant on them." I spare a quick glance at the bottle mournfully, 'they've been such a great relief for this type of pain', but I nod in agreement.
"Let's run through those exercises again." I groan inwardly, annoyed that Katara insists on remaining a healer-patient relationship. I follow through with the exercises and fortunately finish them with minimal muscle spasms.
"That's really good." At Katara's praise I drop my arms back to my lap. And sooner than I can blink she's up on her feet. "Since you're getting better I was thinking that you..." I grab the Waterbender's arm which cuts her off immediately, as a pit settles in my stomach when I easily deduce what's she's about to say.
"No please don't say it, if you say it then I know you'd barely ever speak to me." I watch as confusion etches on Katara's face for a moment, before her eyes widen slightly and her whole detached expression evaporates, replaced with understanding as her eyes softens. The master Waterbender sits back down next to me and brings me into a hug. I'm so shocked that I don't even reciprocate the embrace.
"Aang I wasn't going to say I've finished with your therapy sessions." Hearing this makes me flush red with embarrassment. I duck my head down which effectively breaks the embrace. No sooner do I duck my head down, Katara takes hold of my chin and gently tilts it up. My eyes flicker towards her calm blue eyes and then away. I jerk my head away from her and turn my head to the side.
"Sorry I just assumed...you've just been so withdrawn towards me and these sessions are the only time you really talk to me so if you stopped them then..." I break off when Katara takes hold of my hands.
"Aang. I was going to say it would be a good idea for you to start practicing some bending, nothing too extraneous. I just want to see how well your healing is coming along and I thought we could do some Waterbending now, before dinner." I drop my jaw in disbelief and rub my neck in complete humiliation.
"Oh. Yeah that's a good idea." 'Why did I have to sound so pathetic?!' Our conversation takes a pause as Katara releases my hands and puts them folded on her lap.
"Aang...I..." I look up at her when I hear her sigh. "...I know I've been cold to you. I'm just so frustrated that you kept this from us, but most of all I can't help thinking what would've happened if Kyla wasn't good enough of a healer? What if your injuries were so bad that you didn't make it? What if I found out that you just died and after everything we've been through together the last thing I remember is our argument from 3 years ago? It makes me so sad, worried and angry." I furrow my eyebrows in concern as I see tears glistening on the master Waterbender's eyelashes. I reach out a hand but hesitate in mid-air.
"Katara..." But instead of looking at me she turns her head away and rubs at her eyes. At this I drop my arm down in helplessness.
"I just wish..." A tense quiet falls as Katara cuts herself off.
"You wish what?" I question somewhat cautiously, for some strange reason I get the feeling that whatever Katara was going to say is important. She slowly turns back to me, her eyes examine my own intensively; it strays a couple of times to the rest of me but I can't tell what exactly captures her attention, whatever it is it causes a range of emotions to flicker through her blue orbs. After several moments they stray back to my eyes when she sighs and shakes her head.
"It's nothing. Come on, if you want to go to that fight then you'll need as many bending sessions as possible." I observe her for a moment longer, but when she refuses to make eye contact I decide to let it slide.
"Ok. Oh I've been meaning to ask if Zuko received any word from the other nations." I watch as tension slips from her shoulders slightly, 'probably relieved that I didn't push her.'
"Yes he did. Unfortunately things are a bit shaky. The Earth Kingdom isn't pleased about the Earth Nobles' death and they've asked for some time to think about it. Fortunately, my tribe and the North are willing to pitch in, but it's not enough, we need the Earth Kingdom's support." I clench my jaws at hearing this complication.
"Why don't I send a letter to the Earth King? His issues lies with the Fire Nation, not me." But my Waterbending Sifu shakes her head.
"From what everyone's been telling me, the council doesn't sound particularly pleased with you. I don't think it would be a good idea, it would just look as though you're forcing them."
"The council have been bothering me since day one. We need their decision now, we can't keep waiting. You don't know what these assassins are capable of; they'll stop at nothing to get what they want!" As Katara places her hand on my shoulder, I realise I'm panting hard and must have raised my voice in the process. I look away sheepishly.
"Aang I understand your concern, but we need to be patient for a little longer. The army should hold them off until reinforcements arrive."
"How is the army holding off?" Katara bites her lip in what I perceive as worry.
"Zuko sent another message to them but they haven't responded so far. We can only assume they've got their hands tied at the moment or..." I flinch at her unspoken statement.
"Or they've been taken down." I finish off solemnly.
"Yes. But we need to stay positive, Zuko's been worrying enough as it is and worrying isn't going to solve anything." I sigh and nod.
"Fine. But I think that if we don't hear anything in a week at most then we strike with or without the Earth King's help."
"We should hear from them by then." I nod and move off the bed.
"Well best I'm ready for that then. Let's do some Waterbending." Katara joins me on her feet and we walk out of the house into the outside air.
"Suki showed me this beautiful lake that has a fountain. It's a bit of a walk I'm afraid, but history says that Avatar Kyoshi used to come here to Waterbend because it was so tranquil." I widen my eyes in excitement.
"That sounds amazing."
"It is. And the good thing is it's closed off, sort of like the Spirit Oasis in the North Pole, so no one will bother us." I nod in appreciation. We continue walking the next few minutes in silence until Katara decides to break it.
"So what did you mean when you said that the Council have been bothering you? I thought you would've been on good terms with them, well except for Sokka." I groan and focus my attention ahead.
"They've been bothering me about the Air Nation. Since I'm the last Airbender they want me to get married and have as many kids as possible before anything happens to me. I guess they're worried about the Avatar cycle." I hear Katara's sharp intake of breath and turn my head to look at her in curiosity.
"That's ridiculous! They can't just force you to do that when you're not ready. You're still considered a child in some parts of the world!" I chuckle darkly and look away.
"In the Air Nation we didn't have a set age when we became adults. The elders used to say, 'if you're old enough to have your tattoos of mastery then you're old enough to go where you want.' We didn't have parents to tell us what to do and since I received my tattoos at the youngest age on record I was considered mature enough to travel freely without supervision before the war."
"Oh." The master Waterbender exhales softly, but I continue on as I'm hit with the sudden urge to get this off my chest.
"And anyway, I want to be able to have a reasonable number of kids. Otherwise how will I be able to give them all the same love and attention? I don't want them to be just considered as the first Airbenders in a hundred years. I want them to be their own person and not to feel this burden that I carry. I want them to be free in a way that I never could be. Not to mention I don't want to strain my wife with all this." I sigh deeply and stare intensely at the ground. "But a part of my heart…really wants a child that can Airbend. It's so hard being the last one and I don't want to be the last anymore, I don't care even if I have just one child that can Airbend, it would be enough for me." I rub my face in exhaustion.
"Aang...I guess I forget how difficult this is for you..." I shrug, not really wanting to hear the rest of Katara's sentence.
"Well I won't need to worry about it for a little longer. The Air Nation meeting was meant to be on the day the assassins attacked, so I've managed to avoid a gruelling session consisting of them telling me off, for now anyway." I continue walking a few paces but then notice that my Waterbending Sifu isn't beside me any longer. Turning round I see Katara still in her spot, walking back up to her I tilt my head to one side and frown in concern.
"Katara?" I question and as if in a daze she looks up at me and shakes herself out of her thoughts.
"This time Aang, we'll be there for you. You'll have our support and we'll keep defending you till you're ready." I smile genuinely at the passion and determination written on her face.
"Thank you Katara. I appreciate that." I say with all the sincerity I have. "I just..." I hesitate and shake my head, 'what in the world was I thinking?!' and I continue to walk along the path we're on, Katara jogs till she catches up to me and throws me a befuddled look.
"You just what?" She asks in confusion and concern while I glance at her and then shift my eyes away.
"It's nothing." I say quickly, picking up my pace.
"Aang..." I sense the warning tone in her voice as she says my name, but I stubbornly ignore it.
"Really, it's nothing!" I insist, but Katara walks ahead of me and stops in front of me which effectively blocks the pathway. She glowers at me whilst crossing her arms over her chest.
"No, I'm not taking this anymore. I've been patient with you while you hide things from me. But not anymore, tell me what you were going to say." Katara's sternness make me bite the inside of my cheek hard.
"It's really not a big deal." I say in an attempt to dissuade her curiosity.
"Please?" The pure emotion in Katara's request with that one word makes me crumble completely.
"I just...don't think I'll find the person I'm looking for... in a wife..." I trail off, completely mortified by my confession. The master Waterbender frowns at this and steps closer to me.
"What makes you say that?" I take a step back and stare longingly at the ground.
"Because I haven't found anyone who can match the person I have in mind." I glance back up to Katara who holds her elbow with her other hand and her gaze is sad as she looks at her feet, but when they shift to meet mine the world seems to stop.
"And who is that person you have in mind? She must be special for you to hold her at such a high regard." I turn away slightly from Katara, losing every ounce of confidence I have.
"Yeah she is. But she's not interested and I think it's for the best." I turn back and without looking at the Waterbender I push past her and continue walking.
"Aang...you don't know if that's true." I find my steps faltering, but I push on. 'I can't afford to listen to her, otherwise my carefully built wall around my heart will crumble in an instant.'
"It doesn't matter, it's all in the past now." Suddenly I feel a weight on my shoulder and my feet reluctantly slows to a stop. I twist my head to my left to see Katara's firm hand on my shoulder as she wears an impassive expression.
"Aang, please." I shrug her hand off, suddenly feeling claustrophobic. As I turn away from her I happen to miss the flash of hurt that crosses her eyes.
"Katara, there's nothing to talk about. You don't even know me anymore, so you can't pretend I'm the same 12 year old that you saved from the iceberg. I'm different now and it's not a good different." I trudge forward with a pit in my stomach, knowing that I've hurt my Sifu but unable to rectify it without further exposing myself.
The rest of the walk is continued in silence as the Waterbender remains a pace behind me. When we go through the wooden door surrounded by green hedges, a feeling of familiarity courses through me, as if I've been here before. And when I lay my eyes on the breath-taking sight I realise I have, just in another lifetime. As I gaze at the crystal blue water surrounded by a grassy bay with a mini waterfall to one side, a stream of images swirl past my mind's eye of Kyoshi in this serene place and I view a side to her that I never saw before, a more gentle soft side. I'm so surprised that I gasp aloud. 'Who would've thought that underneath all that impulsive cold exterior was a peaceful interior?'
"Aang? Aang!" I'm startled out of my thoughts by a sudden shaking sensation and I soon realise that Katara is holding me by the shoulders with a worried expression gracing her face. I shake my head from these memories as I regain my bearings.
"I'm ok, I was just having some flashbacks of Avatar Kyoshi. There's definitely a lot of spiritual energy around here." The Waterbender looks at me sceptically for a moment before nodding. We stand at the lake's edge and Katara changes into more suitable clothing for Waterbending. I gulp and my heart drops to my stomach, 'I forgot about that.' Returning my attention back to Katara who's already in the water with her swimsuit and looks at me expectedly as her hands rest on her hips.
"Come on Aang, the water is naturally heated." I gulp again and taking off my shoes I step in.
"You aren't going to change out of your top?" The surprise is blatantly obvious in her voice. I shake my head in response.
"No, if I get wet I'll just Airbend myself dry." Katara throws me a strange look that I can't decipher while her shoulders slump slightly before returning back to its original position.
"Ok. I thought we'd start with the basics today, starting with you holding some water and moving it fluidly. I want to see how well your muscle tension has improved." I nod, form a water ball and begin bending it much like in Pakku's first lesson. After a while my arms tire and the ball frays along the edges. "I think that's enough." At the Waterbender's prompt I bend the water back into the lake. "Let's do one more exercise and then call it a day. We'll just take turns in passing the water back and forth between us." I nod as I form a water ball and I pass it to Katara who passes it back to me until we build up a steady rhythm which we continue with for a while. "So Toph seems to be in a good mood these last couple of days." At Katara's observation I feel a lump build up in my throat, but I push it away and shrug noncommittedly.
"That's always a good thing." I say passively.
"It is, she's even dubbed herself as your defender which is unusual." I bite my cheek hard but show no outward emotion.
"She has? Well that's good, I guess." I focus all my attention on the water we're passing, ignoring the glaring heat of Katara's gaze.
"Yeah. Did you go to talk to her after she stormed out that day?" I clench my jaws tightly at her seemingly offhanded question, but I know her question means so much more than she lets on.
"I did." I continue passing the water.
"Whatever you said must have been enough for her to let go of her anger at you." Her implication pierces straight through my heart with the unspoken question of 'why couldn't you tell me?' grazing me deeply.
"Perhaps." I reply quietly, hoping that she'd just drop it.
"What did you tell her?" Katara finally outright asks and I resist the urge to clench my fists in frustration at a question that doesn't concern her, but I hold firm, concentrating even harder to make sure my emotions aren't displayed in the water ball that we're still passing to each other.
"I answered her question." I say as neutrally as possible. At which Katara pauses, holding the ball steady in her hands before returning it back to me.
"Oh. And what did you say?" I inhale deeply in an effort to keep my temper in check, something that used to come so easily to me but is now so difficult to grasp.
"It's not important."
"How can you say that? Of course it's important, it's just as important as all the other questions we asked and the ones we haven't asked!" I flinch slightly at the slight shrill in Katara's voice as it increases in volume.
"Then maybe you should've been the one to ask it!" I bite back unable to stop myself. The master Waterbender stills in shock for a moment before unleashing her fury.
"Well excuse me for thinking about your wellbeing before anything else!"
"I don't need you thinking about my wellbeing, I can take care of myself! I'm not that goofy child you found over 4 years ago, I've grown up. Once you stop treating me as a child then maybe I'll come talk to you!" I shout, lashing out with the full force of my built up rage.
"So what? That's why you talked to Toph, because she bullies you around? You could tell her what happened but you couldn't tell Sokka and I? We've been with you right from the beginning, but you prefer to tell Toph over us. Don't you know how much that hurts?!" The Waterbender's shout vibrates the waters roughly around us, but we somehow are miraculously still bending this little water ball back and forth, as if it's the only line that's keeping us attached before we swirl roughly away from each other. I decide not to answer, in a desperate attempt to stop this argument from escalating further, but I feel my patience wearing thin.
"At least tell me what you said to Toph! Make me understand!" That night's conversation flashes through my mind and the searing pain in my chest flares up again, whether it's due to the anxiety or whether it's a figment of my imagination I don't know. What I do know is that it hurts, badly. I scream with all the emotion I can muster and throw the water ball into the lake, breaking our only line of connection.
"I don't want to talk about it! Why can't you just leave me alone?!" I holler. And the echoes of my scream is the only sound that can be heard for several moments. I observe the shock written on Katara's face, but mostly I focus on the unshed tears building up in her oceanic eyes, though they are usually clear I'm saddened to see a storm swirling roughly within them. Finally as if someone clicked on the un-pause button she walks up to me with the coldest expression I have ever seen her direct at me while her face becomes totally devoid of any emotion.
"You want to be alone? Fine you can have it." She pushes past me so roughly that I lose my footing and come crashing down into the lake with a hard thump and splash. I look back to find Katara had already picked up her clothes and was quickly disappearing through the door we came from, a loud bang reverberates the area as it slams shut, leaving me entirely alone.
And for the third time in years I find myself truly crying as all the pain and hurt filters through my cracked walls. I hold my head in my hands and I just breakdown. No matter how hard I try I can't seem to stop the tears from falling. Hours tick by and the sun goes down, with darkness being my only company, yet I still cry, remaining in the lake that has long since turned cold. At first it was to punish myself for all the pain I've caused to everyone but as time wore on I found that I didn't have the energy to move.
When the full moon finally ascends to the tip of the trees, I finally crawl out of the water, but instead of going towards the door I crawl deeper into the woods. More time ticks by and when I've decided that I'm far enough from the lake I lean against a tree trunk, the night air making me shiver, but I feel too drained to warm myself up and so I let myself shiver. Soon I find the fragile balance between consciousness and unconsciousness make itself known, as blackness seeps through the edges I can only think that; 'I wish I had done things differently, if only I had told them the moment it all happened we wouldn't be so broken.' Just as I'm about to pass out one stray forbidden thought crosses my mind; 'I hope no one ever finds me, I've caused enough pain as it is.' With that final thought I welcome the blackness.
A/N: Sorry! I can't help myself, angst is my favourite part in the story, so you'll see a lot of it in this story especially. What are your thoughts? I hope I'm not giving out too many conflicting signals, but I do want you guys to understand what the gang must be feeling and their turmoil regarding Aang's actions.
Ok, next update will probably be awhile away unless your kind reviews can change that (and as you've seen it does a pretty good job in making me leave my work to one side haha). Until then, hope you all have a good day/evening.
10/2/19
