Notes:
So here's going to be a little bit of what happened in Star after Oliver left in this one. Obviously things didn't go the way they did in the show.
Just a little reminder, Damien Darhk is dead (well get into more detail at some point)
Ruvé Adams is the Mayor of Star City.
Laurel did take the job as District Attorney but still puts on her suit from time to time, not as often as she used to though.
I really hope everything makes sense, let me know if something is confusing, I wrote this while laying in bed with the flu... so yeah, it might have some issues... sorry if it does.
Thea has started to go to college for some courses and she also isn't going out as often as she used to.
Chapter 32
I wasn't lookin' when I stumbled onto you, musta been fate I'd do anything for you to show you how much I adore you
Oliver
Oliver was sitting in his favorite armchair in the living room, looking outside at his city. Deep in thought. Thinking about how much his life had changed yet again, in the last couple of weeks. Sara had distanced herself emotionally and physically from him shortly after they had returned from Central City. She was mostly staying in her own room, alone, too, during the nights. Oliver wasn't sure whether it was because of him telling her he loved her or him telling her he decided to keep and raise their daughter... it was probably a combination of both. He racked his fingers through his hair and dropped his head in his hands... he didn't know what to do. Didn't know how he could convince her, make her see... fuck... he didn't know what he would do without her. How he was supposed to go on after she left again, how was he supposed to raise their daughter without her. He needed her. He needed her in his life. If he was sure of one thing, it was this. Just like he knew he needed their daughter in his life.
Oliver wondered what kind of father that made him. He was willing to give up his son so that William could have a save, normal life, yet he was incapable of doing the same for his daughter. He couldn't let her go. She wasn't even born yet, but he knew that he couldn't give her up. He knew that he couldn't do it. Just the thought of giving his baby girl away, handing her over to strangers, was causing him physical pain and ripping his heart to shreds. He thought that he might finally understand how Quentin had felt all those years ago when Sara first came back home and revealed herself to her father just to leave again that very same night. He would never forget Quentin's face and the sound of his voice when he realized what Sara was going to do.
"I can't let you go. I can't let you go." It had been heart-wrenching to watch, and telling Quentin to let his younger daughter go was one of the hardest things he ever had to do. Seeing the devastation on the older man's face, watching Sara walk out of his life once more… it had hurt more than he had thought possible. All he had wanted to do in that moment, besides begging Sara to stay against his better judgment, had been to go over to Quentin and give him a hug. Let him know how much watching Sara leave was hurting him too, that he wasn't alone, that he was missing her already too, and that he wished there was another way. Yet, the only thing that he had been able to do was stand there and watch both father and daughter while Sara was breaking all of their hearts, hidden in the shadows, under his hood.
He had thought he understood Quentin's pain back then, but now, now he knew that he didn't have the slightest idea how Quentin had been feeling. He knew now, after giving William up and he knew, he just knew that he couldn't do it again. He couldn't give his little Hummingbird up too. It was too much. He couldn't bear going through that pain again and adding it to the pain he was still feeling whenever he thought about William. He wasn't strong enough to give up another child.
Being incapable of giving his baby girl up meant subjecting her to a life in which she was in constant danger. He denied his son growing up, knowing his father yet ensured his daughter would. Did this mean he loved one child more than the other? And if so… which one? The one whose safety he ensured with the agony of not having him in his life or the one he refused to let go, even if it meant subjecting her to danger?
There hasn't been a day in his life since Thea was born that he hasn't cherished having her as a sister. She was the most important person in his life, or had been. Now it was a tie with both of his children. Yet he denied William exactly that, the joy of being an older brother. He kept both of his children from experiencing this unique bond, from growing up together.
What kind of person, what kind of father did that make him?
All of this was so fucking messed up.
Then there was Sara… thinking, she wasn't fit to be a mom, that their little Hummingbird deserved better than having her as a mom, having her in her life. Thinking that she was screwing up their child because of all the struggles she was facing, all the pain she was going through and all the trauma that was hunting her. Not seeing just how wrong she was. How unbelievably strong she was. Maybe with time she would come to realize that. He wished there was something he could do to convince her otherwise, but he's known her long enough to know that there was no changing her mind. The only way she would change it were if she decided to on her own. The more he'd push, the more she'd push back. That's why he never tried to change her mind or tell her otherwise. Not when it came to their daughter and not when it came to them.
No matter how hard it was, how much it hurt.
What she needed was support. No matter her choice. And he was currently the only person in her life, besides Lyla and Sin not trying to convince her to stay and help him raise their daughter. The only person who didn't tell her that the way she was feeling was wrong. The only one who acknowledged that she had the right to feel however she did and that her feelings were valid and there was nothing wrong with them.
The only one who didn't try to force a decision on her she was not ready to make.
He couldn't understand how no one else could see that what Sara needed right now was space and time to figure things out. To think about the new situation his choice has created. And he was willing to give her that, give her as much time as she needed. It didn't matter how long it took her, he and their Hummingbird would be here to welcome her home whenever she would be ready to be a part of their little family, should she decide to leave after their daughter was born. And until then he would make sure that their daughter would know just how amazing and strong her mother was and exactly why she wasn't a part of their lives. And just how much she loved her.
Oliver lifted his head from his hands and looked at his watch. Almost time to leave. He contemplated whether he should let Sara know that he was leaving and risk disturbing her or if he should just go. She'd know his routine by now and therefore that he was about to leave. If she wanted to see him before he left, she'd come looking for him, unless she was already asleep, and in that case he didn't want to risk waking her up.
He had started to go out again at night, only a couple of days after they've returned home. It had been a relief, being able to get out of the apartment. It made the situation easier.
Going out again as the Green Arrow made him realize just how bad his home had gotten. Ruvé appeared to do great things for the city, but it was all smoke and mirrors. She was keeping the Glades in the horrible state they had been in for as long as he could remember. The police force seemed to have gotten even more corrupt, and organized crime was thriving.
And then there was the other problem, the problem of rogue vigilantes that were trying to bring their own justice to the criminals. Oliver wasn't sure why no one on his team has done anything about that while he was gone. It was dangerous to have untrained people on the streets trying to stop crime, not just for them but also for the people they were trying to save.
What had surprised him the most was the lack of Ghosts. Sure, Damien Darhk was dead, but Oliver was sure Ruvé played an integral part in H.I.V.E and their foot soldiers' sudden disappearance worried him. Something didn't feel right here. He has been trying to find out what was going on for weeks, but so far with little to no success. It was highly frustrating but gave him a reason to stay out at night, even when there was nothing else going on or long after everyone else went back home. He tried to stay out as late as possible. So he would return home shortly before Sara would get up in the morning. It made his empty bed more bearable and he could fool himself into pretending that the reason Sara wasn't in bed with him was because she had slept while he had been out in the streets making their city safer and therefore was getting up now and starting her day while his was ending.
It didn't work, of course.
Sara had also started to keep busy in and sometimes even outside of their home. She met up with Sin almost every other day. She also started to spend more time with her dad, had tea with Felicity every Thursday afternoon, and they were graced with Lyla's company at least two afternoon's a week. Those two had really hit it off. Not surprisingly. Oliver was grateful for everything Lyla has done for Sara. How she was someone Sara trusted enough to confide in when it came to doubts or fears about her pregnancy and how Lyla listened and helped sooth those fears as well as she could. Plus, Baby Sara was a bonus that usually came with Lyla coming over to their place. He really enjoyed having the little ray of sunshine around and spending time with her while the women talked. He tended to spend those afternoons entertaining the little girl, and came to cherish them immensely. Little Sara Diggle's attachment and worship of her namesake was adorable and her fascination with his Pretty Bird's pregnant stomach one of the sweetest things he had ever seen. The way she got excited when their daughter moved and she could feel it was just endearing.
Plus, Sara loved that little girl, and her happy, excited attitude managed to paint a genuine smile on the blonde's face. That alone was worth so much. He knew that Dig's daughter was reminding Sara of how much she used to love spending time and taking care of children, and he hoped that maybe, maybe it would prove to her that she was still good with them. That nothing had changed in that department and that maybe, just maybe, the little girl would help her realize that she would make an excellent mother for their daughter.
"You going out again tonight?" Oliver turned his head towards the soft voice coming from the living room entrance.
"Hey, I figured you were asleep already. Yeah, I'm still trying to figure out what happened to H.I.V.E and where all the Ghosts have disappeared to. Something doesn't feel right. Not with Ruvé still being in the city and the Mayor on top of it." He explained and shared his thoughts with Sara.
"Something strange is going on there, that's for sure. I hope you can get to the bottom of it soon. Having bad guys suddenly disappear without a trace and for no reason never means anything good. Just… just be careful, okay?" She had walked into the living room and towards him while talking, stopping right next to his armchair.
"Do you mind? Before you leave?" His Pretty Bird held out her hand towards him with the by now familiar cream jar.
"No, not at all. Do you want me to do it here or do you want to lie down on your bed?" He took the jar from her and looked at her expectantly. This had become a ritual of theirs and was one of the few times that Sara would not only allow but initiate physical contact. Sara's stomach had started to itch and feel uncomfortable given the stretching her skin was doing because of their daughter's growing. So, she had gotten a recommendation for a cream from Caitlin and usually asked him to apply it. Giving him time to "spend" with their daughter, who had started to react to his touch and push back with her hands or feet while he was applying the cream to her mother's stomach. Sometimes even following his hand with one of her's. He was grateful and cherished those moments. He knew he would always hold them dear to his heart.
"I guess I wouldn't mind lying down, but here's fine too… whatever you prefer…" He smiled at her, got up from the chair offered her the hand that was not holding the cream and walked out of the living room leading her by her hand towards her bedroom. Sara usually dozed off, so he knew it would be more comfortable for her to be in her bed, than on the couch where she ended up having to get up again in order to go to bed.
This had become their nightly ritual. Her falling asleep while he was massaging her stomach, he would usually watch her for a couple of minutes once she was asleep, before kissing her forehead and heading out for the night. It were those moments that he recalled when things got dire and he needed a reminder to keep going and to win, at all costs. To live and go home to his two girls.
There was no better motivator than the thought of Sara and their little Hummingbird.
Being back in the field was still strange sometimes. It felt different than it used to. He knew what, or more accurately, who he was fighting for, yet he was also acutely aware of the risks he was taking and the danger he was getting himself into. It led to him being more careful than he used to be but also more determined to live at any cost, and he meant any cost. He had thrown the no-killing rule out the window almost his first night out. He wasn't going to risk getting killed and not meeting and raising his daughter, in order to honor Tommy's memory and do what his Team wanted him to. If it came down to him killing or him being killed, he'd chose killing every day. He wasn't planning on dying anytime soon. He had too much to live for. More than he ever thought he would.
Lyla & John
Lyla was watching her husband, remembering what she had told him shortly after he had learnt about Sara's pregnancy and the fact that Oliver and Sara were planning on giving the baby up for adoption. Johnny hadn't been able to understand the choice they were making, just like he still couldn't understand why Oliver had chosen to give his son up. She understood where her husband was coming from and he wasn't wrong with what he was saying, but she could also see Oliver's point of view and why he decided that William would be safer without him in his life. Just like she could see and understand where Sara and Oliver had been coming from then and why they had decided to give their child up for adoption. She had known back then that getting Johnny to understand it would not be easy, but she had felt that she had to try.
"What I do know is that they are both not in a good mental state, but they've also just spent five months away from their family and civilization. Not the best condition to improve mental health issues if you asked me. Maybe being home, being around family will help them get better, which essentially might lead to a change of heart when it comes to their child. I can understand how the concept of raising a child might be overwhelming for them. I know how worried we were when I was pregnant with Sara. Add their mental states and depression to the normal worries every expectant parent has and imagine how extremely overwhelmed they must be feeling."
Johnny had looked at her, surprised. He hadn't considered that and probably also not realized that yes, Oliver was suffering from depression. He did a good job hiding it, but spending time with Sara at their apartment had made it apparent. The little notes that she had scattered around their home for him, the way she always made him a snack too when she made one for herself and brought it to him, making him promise that he would eat it. And the way Oliver tended to hide away and spend hours staring into nothing while she was with Sara made his depression all too obvious. Not to forget a conversation she and Sara had had shortly before the Dominators had attacked.
"If Ollie wants to keep the baby I'm not, I would never make him give it up. Never would have before, but especially not now after everything that's happened with William, and the shit everyone's been giving him because of it, while not even knowing the whole damn story. It's not... the whole thing with William is so much more complicated than people know or like to admit. It wasn't just… I just can't understand why Felicity would leave him because of a child that was conceived and born years before she's even known him." Sara's voice was soft and slightly hoarse, but there was still a strength to it that made her opinion about the entire ordeal unmistakable.
"It wasn't, from what Felicity said, it wasn't about William and the fact that Oliver has a son. It was about him not telling her about William. The secrets and the lies and not including her in the decisions." Lyla explained their friend's side to Sara.
"Wait, what? Samantha told Ollie that the only way he could see his son, was if he didn't tell anyone about him. And William was not to know that Ollie is his dad. She didn't give him a choice! Did Felicity seriously expect him to choose her over his son? A son he had just learnt about." Sara sounded incredulous and looked at her confused. There was a glint of anger in her crystal blue eyes that warned of a storm brewing behind them.
"I think she expected him to trust her and include her in this new part of his life." Lyla tried to calm the stormy seas she could make out behind Sara's eyes, hoping to sooth them before a tsunami would hit the shores.
"The situation is so much more complicated than that, Lyla. It's not like he just found out that he had a son that was kept from him. He knew… Samantha had told him about the pregnancy. And Ollie had been overwhelmed and didn't know what to do. He was only twenty-one at the time, Samantha was a casual acquaintance he had a one-night-stand with, cheating on Laurel. So, he did what he always had when he got in over his head. He asked his mom for help and advice. And Moira did what she always had, solved all of his problems and made them disappear by throwing money at the situation. She called Samantha, gave her a check of a million dollars, told her to leave Starling and go back to Central City and tell Ollie that she lost the baby. And we both know Moira Queen could be one scary lady when she wanted to be. So, Ollie didn't just find out he had a child, he found out that the child he had been told had never even been born, a child he had mourned for, and almost self-destructed over, was actually alive. And when he had seen Samantha with William for the first time and confronted her, she had denied him being Ollie's child. But Ollie's not an idiot, so he wanted to make sure. Just imagine finding out that the mother of your child went so far as to pretend that she lost the child in order to not have you in his life. Can you imagine how he must have felt in that moment? And then to make matters even worse, to learn that your own mother played a part in all of it? Samantha made him believe she lost their child, Ollie had every reason to believe her when she told him that he would never see his son again if he told anyone about him. She had done it before. So I'm sorry Felicity's feelings got hurt by Ollie's decision, but what the fuck was he supposed to do? Not telling her wasn't his choice. He was never given a choice when it came to his son." Sara's voice was chocked, and her eyes were glistening with tears, but there was no doubt about the return of the anger towards the end of her explanation. Lyla was surprised. There was a lot of additional information concerning the situation, information that made Oliver's choice even easier to understand. She was pretty sure that no one besides Sara and now she knew those facts. She was certain Felicity didn't and wondered briefly if it would've changed anything if she had. Would all of their lives be different if Felicity would've just let Oliver explain? She focused on Sara again. The young woman she had named her daughter after, a woman that had become a very good friend in very little time. Someone who would probably not be here if Felicity had let Oliver explain. Her eyes trailed along the blonde's body and stopped at her slightly rounded stomach, rounded by a child that may never have come into existence, had Felicity let Oliver explain and not behaved the way she had.
"So, believe me when I tell you, everything concerning this baby, is his choice. He gets to decide what he wants to do, he gets a say in everything. Because it's his right as the baby's father. Just because I'm the one carrying this baby doesn't mean that he has no say in it. It's our child. Not mine, not his, ours. He has as much say as I do. Fifty-fifty." The blonde continued and Lyla's eyes returned to Sara's. The more time she spent with her, the more impressed she was with the young woman and her relationship with Oliver. She seemed to be the only person who actually knew him, the only person he seemed to trust completely. And sadly, the only person who stood up for him and protected him, who seemed to realize his vulnerability and struggles. It wasn't hard for Lyla to see the respect and devotion Sara and Oliver had for each other.
Sara had put her hand on her stomach during her explanation and it had drawn Lyla's eyes and thoughts back to her pregnancy, which was obvious now, and not just to everyone who knew her and the way her body usually looked.
Even to a curious two-year-old, apparently. Her daughter was completely smitten with Sara and extremely fascinated by her pregnant stomach and the concept that there was a baby in it. The fact that she had somehow learnt that it was her Uncle Oliver's baby too had let to her being even more obsessed with it and very excited. Lyla hadn't been sure and dreaded the moment she would have to explain to her daughter she would not be a part of the baby's life.
Johnny had told her about the scene that played out between Sara and Oliver when the blonde showed up with Roy at the Starlabs Hangar. She had been occupied with their daughter at the time. She had run into Sara, Roy and Thea while they were on their way to see everyone and Sara had handed her daughter over to her. Explaining how Sin had stayed back in Star City, not feeling comfortable meeting so many new people at once and how she had decide to bring "Tiny" with them because she had promised her and Dig to watch their baby and she therefore wasn't going to let her out of her sight or in anyone's care but Sara's parents. Lyla had appreciated that, even though she would've been fine with Sin watching her daughter.
Dig turned around when he heard his friend's childhood nickname and expected to see Thea only to watch Sara, surprisingly fluid and smooth for a 5 months pregnant woman, rush and jump into his arms.
What really got him was when Oliver initiated what ended up being a very hot, bothering on indecent kiss that made him question whether the couple, he had to ask Lyla about that she and Sara had hit it off right away and bonded over the last couple of weeks, was aware of their presence and what they were currently doing would be considered by some to be serious PDA. Which was very out of character for them and they weren't known for at all. If there was one thing about them that he had noticed during Sara's first time back home, it was that they both cared a lot about their privacy and that had led to only a handful of people actually being aware of their involvement. He wondered if it was the same case now.
He felt uncomfortable watching what was clearly a very private and intimate moment between his friends, so he turned away to provide them at least with a little privacy. Their actions were not hard to relate to. He remembered learning about Lyla's pregnancy during the Siege and how terrified he had been for countless reasons... he had to admit, Oliver and Sara reminded him a lot of Lyla and him. Life pushing them apart and throwing them back together, almost as if it were trying to find out if the timing was finally right. Oliver and Sara seemed to have always been wrong, or that they had always had really bad timing.
"I don't know, I guess some time during the whole alien invasion Oliver decided to keep the baby. I guess you were right. They did need some time and time with their family and friends, well at least Oliver did. I'm not sure Sara has changed her mind." Johnny finished his explanation and the conclusion he had reached.
"It doesn't surprise me. Oliver seemed to have struggled with the decision ever since they went to their first ultrasound. Who knows, Sara still might change her mind too. And if she doesn't, that's alright too. It's her decision to make, Johnny. And she's the only one who knows what the right decision is. Sara's a very intelligent young woman and she loves her child very much. None of us actually know what it means to live with "blood lust". What it feels like or does to her. If she feels it's safer for her child to not be around her, than we need to trust in and respect her decision." She wanted to make sure that Johnny understood where Sara's decision to give up her child came from. Lyla knew that Sara was terrified that she might unintentionally hurt or damage her child, and that fear was what drove her decision to not be a part of the baby's life above all else. She needed Johnny to understand that in order to not judge the mother to be. That was the last thing Sara would need.
"That's bullshit, Sara would never hurt her own child. There's just no way, Lyla." Her husband was so very sure of this and she agreed with him whole-heartedly but they didn't know what the blood lust did to her… and if… if there was just the smallest chance that she would accidentally hurt her child, wasn't giving it up the better option? Lyla wasn't sure what she would do in Sara's position, and she was grateful not to be in it.
And Johnny agreed with her:
"Sometimes I wonder if Sara is ever going to get a break and stop suffering." It was something she has been wondering a lot lately, too.
Oliver
Oliver lay awake in his bed. Exhausted, after another night out, trying to make his home a safer place for his daughter to grow up in, but incapable of falling asleep. He had gotten used to having Sara in his arms and it seemed getting used to no longer falling asleep in her presence took longer than he had expected. But Sara's message had been clear that first night after they had returned home from Central City, and he respected her wish. No matter how hard her choice was for him.
"I'm sorry, Ollie, but I can't..."
"You can't what Sara?"
"I can't do this. You...me...us, I can't. It's too much and I can't... I'm sorry."
"Sara..." but she had already turned around and disappeared down the corridor and into her room.
Oliver cursed and hit the wall in frustration, the pain that instantly shot through his hand and up his arm was a welcoming one, it distracted him from the one in his heart. He hadn't meant to... it had never been his intention to make Sara feel... the last thing he's wanted to do was make her feel pressured... being with her... it had just come naturally. He hadn't planned or expected any of this to happen. It just did. Everything always just seemed to happen with Sara and him. He hit the wall a couple of more times for good measure, but with less force, the mess had already been made anyway he might as well get some more of his frustration out, before he walked into the kitchen to wash off the blood and plaster on his hand.
He watched the blood and dirt wash off and disappear down the drain, wishing he could wash off all the doubts and pain just as easily while at the same time feeling like this was a metaphor for his life. Every good thing always seemed to end up going down the drain for him.
Oliver wasn't sure how long he had stood in the kitchen, with his hand under the cold spray of the kitchen's tap before he turned the water off and wrapped his hand into a towel. He left the kitchen and walked into the bathroom to properly wrap his hand. It would've been a lot less difficult if he would ask Sara to do it for him, but he didn't want to disturb her, not after she made it clear to him she needed space, nor did he feel like getting a lecture. He carefully flexed his fingers and concluded that he might postpone taking up his bow and arrow and making his debut as the Green Arrow in Star City for a few days.
The dip on the other side of his bed surprised Oliver and ripped him from his thoughts. He turned his head to make sure he wasn't imagining things.
He wasn't unless his eyes were playing tricks on him too. Sara was looking at him from her side of the bed, she just sat on the edge for what felt like hours, but he was sure were mere minutes if not even just seconds before she lifted her legs onto the bed too, turned around and crawled towards him on all fours.
This was the first time in weeks she had not only come to his room but climbed into his bed.
He had barely enough time to register what was happening when she reached and passionately kissed him, lifting one of her legs and arms over his body during the process. The unexpectedness of her actions did nothing to keep him from returning them with as much vigor as she put into them. Sara wasted no time undressing them both pretty much right away. He helped her take off her PJ pants when her position and the size of her stomach led to her struggling with the task. She kissed him again, softer this time while she positioned herself on top of him, which again was a bit of a challenge given their daughter's growth during the last several weeks and their lack of physical contact and therefore experience with the new shape of her body. Sara's movements were soft and tender, which usually wasn't really her style, and she kept eye contact with him the whole time. Bringing them both to a very intense peak. She kissed him again after and he could taste her tears and feel her whole body tremble. She stared into his eyes again after ending the tender kiss, still crying, and with the same intensity she had in Central City.
"Ollie..." she broke off in a broken sob, still not breaking eye contact.
"Shshsh, hey, it's okay Pretty Bird. I know, I know. I've known for years. I love you too, Sara." She cried in earnest now, her head buried in his neck, clutching him to her, as if her life depended on it. He wasn't sure what had brought this on...
Sara had talked with Laurel earlier tonight, but he wasn't sure whether that played a part in any of this. He decided to try and get to the bottom of it in the morning.
He softly stroked her hair, shushing her and whispering sweet nothings into her ear. Punctuating some of his words with soft kisses to her temple. He wasn't sure how long they've stayed like this until she had finally fallen asleep in his arms. He stayed awake a little longer, just basking. Enjoying having her back in his arms again, even if only for one night. He fell asleep with a smile on his face and slept soundly through the night for the first time in weeks.
Notes:
A little more explanation to the changes to Season 4 and 5 I decided on:
Team Arrow does not know about project Genesis. I felt the whole thing was really rushed in the show. They just created a whole town underground in like what? One year? Yeah, no not in this version. Ruvé is still part of the project, she's just being extra careful to make sure that Team Arrow won't find out about her plans and thwart them before everything was ready. Plus losing Damien set her back a bit. H.I.V.E. has gone under ground after Damien's death to avoid detection and give Team Arrow a false sense of security, making them believe Damien's death was their end. Oliver leaving town played into her hands, because he's the one who might have questioned the Ghosts sudden disappearance…
I'm ignoring Machin because I never liked him or his storyline.
So, it always pissed me off how everyone including the fans acted as if Oliver was the bad guy for keeping William a secret. He had no choice! Seriously! So, Sara kind of portrays my view and opinion on the matter.
I really hope you enjoyed this chapter, let me know what you think.
