Notes:

I am so sorry for not updating in forever. Like I said Christmas break is over and they upped my days at one of my jobs from four to five so, not that much time to write left. Plus, it is the more emotionally demanding one that got upped in hours, not my office job. So it's difficult to sit down after work and write on this very emotionally draining story, when work has already taken a lot out of me in that regard. But I'm trying to find a balance, please bear with me until I have figured out my new schedule for writing. Thank you.

I once again tried something new… let me know what you think…

I made some changes to the chapter. I listened to an audiobook about "show don't tell" and how to use description better and got inspired to add some more in this chapter... lol.


Chapter 41

This on again off again temperamental affection for my darling depression is making me go mad can we let the pain and the happy mix? Can the two coexist? The beauty next to the mess

Sara

Sara woke up slowly, feeling slightly disoriented, very groggy and with what felt suspiciously like a tension headache. It took her a moment to recognize her surroundings and the realization that the slightly damp piece of cloth her cheek was pressed to was Ollie's shirt, covering his chest, on which her head was lying. She could feel Ollie's arm wrapped around her and his hand resting on her stomach, his other hand covering hers right above his heart.

She slowly lifted her heavy head to look at his face, making sure that he was asleep. She wasn't sure why, but it seemed very important that he was… the reason was still eluding her though. Her head was back on his chest the moment she had assured herself of her husband's sleeping state. Why was his shirt damp? She closed her eyes again to try to will the world, and the tension in her head, away for just a little while longer. Yet all it did was make it worse and her head spin. She tried to remember why exactly her head was feeling the way it did, why she was feeling exhausted even though she had only just woken up. The pounding in her head made it hard for her to focus and it took her a moment to process what her eyes had seen in the darkened room… Ollie had been asleep, his eyes closed, and his chest was rising and falling in the telltale way it did whenever he was fast asleep… and yet, something bothered her about the whole picture. There was a bruise on his face, not that unusual, but the redness around his eyes was… what wasn't she remembering? Why had he been crying? She tried to focus her mind, recall everything that had happened up to the moment she had woken up a few minutes ago. Using technics, the League had taught her to.

She remembered snuggling in the armchair with Ollie, while he was getting back in touch with people, before joining him to pick up her mom at the airport. She could easily recall the drive home and the almost argument she had had with Ollie after he had told her he was going to go talk to Laurel. She had ended up with no other choice but letting him go against her better judgment. So, she had needed a distraction, something to keep herself from feeling anxious about the conversation between her husband and older sister.

Her mom and she had spent a long time talking about what had happened in their lives since Dinah's last visit and she had showed her the nursery Ollie had finished two days before they eloped, which was a small detail that she had conveniently forgotten to tell her mom while letting her know that she and Ollie had spent the last couple of days talking about their impending parenthood and what having and raising a baby will mean and how it will change their lives. This led to her mom being the first person learning about her choice to stay in Star City and help Ollie raise Mila, and also her being the first person to know their baby girl's name. Sara had really enjoyed talking to her mom and sharing most of the changes that had happened in her life in the last five days. Her mom had been thrilled for her and excited about her choice. And it helped keep her mind off Ollie and Laurel, sort of. So, she had decided to share one more thing with her mom, something Ollie had suggested she do, while they were standing in the nursery, her mom admiring the amazing job done by Mila's father.

"Mom, would you like to… ahm… Ollie hasn't gotten around to get a car seat or stroller yet, given how busy he's been creating the nursery. Would you like to help me pick them out?" She bit her lip after uttering the words, suddenly no longer sure if it was a good idea. She had already been struggling at the airport, being surrounded by that many people. The buzzing of activity and the multitude of loud noises coupled with the crowd and people's lack of respect towards personal space had really put her self-control to the test and pushed her anxiety to the forefront. Ollie being there had made all the difference. He had glared at people who thought that her pregnant stomach was an invitation for a conversation or even worse to just go ahead and touch a stranger. It never took them long to backpedaled and leave after being confronted with her husband's death glare. Watching people's reaction to it had highly amused them both. Ollie had grounded her as usual and distracted her with some silly comments, making fun of those unfortunate souls who had thought trying to come close enough to her and Mila to touch was a good idea, until her mom had shown up. Plus, her mom had been traveling. Maybe she was tired and didn't feel like going shopping. She didn't want to make her mom agree just because she felt she had to.

"Of course, baby. I would love to. If that's alright with Oliver?" Her question had ripped her mom from her thoughts and she turned away from Mila's name on the wall to look at her, smiling encouragingly. There was a happy and excited gleam in her eyes that took any doubt about whether her mom was feeling obligated to go with her or not from her mind.

"Yeah, it was Ollie's idea to have me pick them out. He figured since he had picked everything for Mila's room…" Which had been entirely on her, he had tried more than once to get her involved in the decorating process, even if just a little, with no success. And honestly, she didn't mind at all. What Ollie had done with their daughter's room was just breathtakingly beautiful. It was perfect. But she did kind of want to get some things for their baby girl too, now that she had decided to be a part of Mila's life. She didn't really care what it was. So, stroller and car seat were perfect. Just as long as she felt like she participated in the preparation for the newest member of their little family, she was fine.

Her mom then asked her whether she wanted to stay in and order it online or go to a store. Sara had to smile a little about just how considerate her mom was. And she really appreciated it. Most of all the fact that her mom realized how difficult going out, being around a lot of people still was for her and how she wasn't expecting her to just get over it but made sure that she knew that there were other options. She really appreciated that.

But she wanted to go to a store.

She wanted to do this the way every other expecting woman was doing this. She wanted to do this the right way. She wanted to do this the normal way. She wanted to feel normal. Like a normal woman who was expecting her first child and shopping for their baby. She wanted to do this, how it was supposed to be done. She wanted to go to a store and compare the items right there in front of her. She wanted to be able to ask a professional about the differences between the variety of car seats and strollers, and she wanted to ask all the questions concerning safety issues that she had.

She wanted to do this; she needed to at least pretend for a little while that everything was normal. That Ollie and she were normal. That they weren't irreparably damaged and like crowds made her uncomfortable to the point of giving her anxiety. She needed to know that she could do this. So, she knew that she could take her little girl shopping, and to the movies, or bowling, or go to rehearsals if Mila decided to take part in any school plays or shows of whatever activities she chose to join when she was older. This was a first step to make sure that she could to this, that she could give Mila a normal life, do the things with her every other mother did, without a second thought because it was normal. Because they weren't battling her demons, they never had to face the struggles she did, because for them facing a crowd was nothing to worry about or be afraid of. Sara needed to know that she could do this. That she would be able to be just like every other mother in that regard.

It was so very important.

And she wanted to do it right now. Because it would mean she wouldn't be at home. And therefore, not worry about Ollie from the moment she decided that he had been gone for too long. Two birds, one stone. Perfect plan… at least in theory. She'll see how the execution would go once they had left.

Sara walked away to get ready to leave but stopped to write her husband a note first to let him know that they had gone out to shop for the missing baby stuff. She made sure to add a little drawing of a couple hugging, a little heart next to them with "Wǒài nǐ, wǒ de zhàngfū" written in it in Chinese letters. You could never know who might just walk in to their apartment while they were gone and there was no reason anyone besides Ollie should get her private message of "I love you my husband." So, Chinese was always a save way to go whenever she and Ollie felt like having a private conversation. It might be rude, like Felicity pointed out at Thanksgiving, and yes, she had heard that part of the conversation too, but she really didn't care. People butted in way too much already. And while they were on the field, they could never be a hundred percent sure that the comms weren't on, even if they thought they were off. They could easily get accidentally turned on during a fight. So, better save than sharing private information with people who had no business of knowing it. Too much of Ollie and her private life was no longer private and hadn't been in years. She was not willing to give any more of it to anyone. Even less without her knowledge.

Her mom suggesting they wait for Ollie, so she could take his credit card, ripped her from her thoughts and put her focus back on the other woman.

"Nah, that's okay. Why take Ollie's credit card when I can just use the one he gave me, which will not lead to me having to explain why I am trying to pay with Oliver Queen's credit card and ends up with me having to get him to verify that yes, I am allowed to use it." The look on her mom's face given that piece of information was priceless. Yes, Ollie had had a credit card made in her name with direct access to his bank account after she had come home the first time. He had also given her full access to all of his bank accounts and financials. He had given the card back to her when she had chosen to leave Star City again shortly after her resurrection. Making her promise that she wouldn't hesitate to use it if she ever needed money.

She had never used it. Not until he had joined her on her travels.

But her mom didn't need to know that additional information, just like she didn't need to know that Ollie was planning on contacting Walter Steele to have him draw papers to change his will, add both of his children and set up trust funds for both William and Mila too. And also make the necessary legal adjustments given their new married status.

The two women left the apartment shortly thereafter, taking Ollie's new black Volvo XC90 that he had bought as soon as they had crossed the US border, making sure that they had safe transportation and later on some additional safety features added, like bulletproofing it for example. They were lucky that he had taken his Ducati to Laurel's and left the car. Sara handed the car keys over to her mom. She wasn't comfortable driving; she hadn't driven a car since long before her resurrection or death even, and she was not going to get back behind the wheel while being seven months pregnant. There was no reason for her to take any unnecessary risks, even less with her mom here. They had spent the drive talking about what her criteria were for the items they were going to buy and if she had any preferences.

It wasn't until after they had gotten to the mall and out of the car that Sara realized the significance of her decision and halted abruptly right in front of the store. Suddenly feeling very unsure. Looking through the entrance and noticing the people inside. It wasn't overly crowded, but it wasn't empty either. And it was a store for child products, which meant people would probably be very touchy. She still didn't like to be touched in general, there were some exceptions, Ollie in particular, but she definitely didn't appreciate being touched by complete strangers. And she didn't want anyone placing their hands anywhere near her daughter. Even less without her permission. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all. Maybe she should've waited for Ollie and taken him with them. Maybe…

"Sara, baby? Is everything okay? Do you want to go back home?" Her mom's concerned voice ripped her from the torrent of her thoughts and made her focus on her mother's slightly worried face.

"Yeah, yeah. Everything's fine. It's just… I guess I'm feeling a little overwhelmed, but I'm okay. No, let's do this." She tentatively smiled at her mom and took a step towards the store's entrance door. She could do this. This was no big deal. She was just going shopping for her baby girl, her baby girl who was currently making sure that her mom knew that she was awake and kicking, literally. She put a hand on her stomach, softly stroking it, trying to calm her very active daughter down. Sara was pretty sure that Mila was feeling her anxiety and reacting to it. She took a deep breath and grabbed her mom's hand in a tight grip before stepping into the store.

Part of her felt like a scared little girl, holding on to her mom's hand, but she was just… she didn't know how she was going to react. If she was going to be okay. Or if her bloodlust would suddenly decide to give a cameo. If someone chose to ignore her personal space simply because she was a pregnant woman and therefore had none. At least concerning the majority of the general public.

And then there was the other part, the part that suddenly doubted her choice to stay again. The part that whispered that she was a fraud, that she wasn't really a mom, that she couldn't be a mom, because she was a monster… a dead thing… and dead things couldn't give life, couldn't raise children… she didn't deserve to be a part of her daughter's life. Not after everything she had done, all the lives she had taken and families she had destroyed. Sara tried to push those thoughts away, gripping her mom's hand even tighter and softly rubbing her stomach.

She could do this.

"It's okay, honey. Look, the strollers are right down that isle." Her mom had put her other hand on her arm, softly stroking it and smiling at her encouragingly. She followed the direction her mom pointed out and could make out the multitude of strollers the store had on display. Just two isles down, there were barely any people between where they were standing and where they had to go. She could do this. Her mom was softly guiding her along the shelves, staying between her and the other people. They walked towards the direction of the intended items, when something caught her eye. She walked towards the colorful object, dragging her mom with her. She let go of her mother's hand in order to pick the article up.

"Ollie's going to love this!" Sara turned towards Dinah with a smile on her face, excited about the thought of Ollie's reaction to it. She couldn't wait to show it to him. It was perfect, and it fit with the theme her husband had chosen for their daughter's room. Sara looked at the little light blue plush bird, with pink cheeks, sitting in its nest with three colorful eggs in it, again, the bird could be pulled up on a string, so it gave the illusion it was flying above the nest, and the round handle under the nest that could be pulled in order for the music to start playing.

Funny how one little toy could have such an effect on her but after she had found it, her mood had just changed and the excitement about the prospect of showing Ollie the musical toy just took over and spread to everything else she and her mom bought, and Ollie's reactions to the items were always in the forefront of her mind and the deciding factor whether or not she was going to get something. They ended up buying a lot more than she had intended to, not that she cared or that Ollie would, and one of the sales clerks in the store offered to help them load the car, an offer neither her mom nor she were stupid enough to refuse. She had spent the drive home in excited anticipation, impatient to finally be able and show Ollie everything she had bought for their baby girl and share her exhilaration about the items and the fact that she had been mostly fine during her shopping trip with him.

Sara walked into the apartment, excited to show Ollie the musical toy and the cute little clothes she had bought, and get him to bring the heavier stuff up from the car and sharing everything with him and decide where they were going to put what.

"Ollie? Look what I got… Ollie…?" She had been sure that he was home by now, they had been gone for almost four hours, they had taken a break to get something to eat when she had felt her blood sugar drop. They had found this very cute café that had delicious cakes… she was so going to take Ollie there sometime… them having been gone for more than three hours meant that Ollie had been gone for at least five hours, which meant that he really should've been home by now. Or at least been here and left again. But it didn't look like he was home or had been since her mom and she had left. Her note was still in the exact same spot she had left it. This wasn't right… something wasn't right. She took her cell phone from her purse and checked to see if he had contacted her.

Maybe something urgent had come up that the Green Arrow had needed to take care of? No new messages, no missed calls… surely someone would've let her know if there was an emergency, right? Felicity or Dig or Thea…

She sent a quick text to Ollie, asking him if something unexpected had happened, or if he simply needed some time to himself and also letting him know that he should let her know if there was anything she could do. And to please let her know how he was doing. Ending it with a simple "Ài nǐ"—"love you". She was sure that she would get a reply within the hour, as she usually did.

But she didn't.

Because he hadn't read her message yet. Why hadn't he…? Maybe he was busy. There was a good chance that something had really come up that needed the Green Arrow right away and was big enough that everyone was really busy… which was why they hadn't contacted her. She wasn't a priority and as far as Ollie knew she had been at home the entire time that he had been gone and therefore safe and out of any potential harm's way. Contacting her and letting her know about a danger she couldn't possibly be in, was therefore not a priority on his list, understandably so.

This made sense.

It made perfect sense. Which was why she refrained from texting or calling Felicity or Dig. She wasn't going to distract them and possibly put anyone in danger just so they could explain to her why Ollie hadn't answered her text yet. No, it wasn't worth it. So, she decided to just wait until Ollie got around to see her text and give her a quick reply. Even a one-word reply would be fine with her. Or an emoji or a single letter, just a sign of life, just something to let her know that he was in a good enough state of mind to read her text and send a reply.

She decided to head to bed after dinner, there was no point in staying up, she hadn't been able to pay attention to anything her mom had said even before dinner but now her mom had noticed. There was no point in worrying her mom even more than she already was, and she had been feeling her feet, she had spent a lot of time on them today and sitting was not doing her any favors either, just as she did her lower back. The weight she was carrying in the front was starting to put some strain on her back, so laying down sounded nice. Besides, she was exhausted.

But sleep would elude her, and she eventually ended up sitting in their bed, supported by a multitude of pillows in order to get more comfortable. Finding a position to sit or sleep in that was not leading to any part of her body feeling uncomfortable was getting more challenging every day. At least that was what it felt like. Her cellphone gripped in one hand while the other one was staying busy, stroking her stomach, playing with the comforter, brushing the hair out of her face, pulling on the string on Mila's musical bird, that she had hung on her end of the headboard, letting the soft lullaby wash over her, trying to keep herself calm with help of the quiet music.

The longer she was staring at the black screen of her phone, the longer the lack of messages was taunting her, the more worried she got. What if Ollie's lack of checking in with her had nothing to do with the Green Arrow? What if he had sought solitude after his conversation with Laurel? What if he was hidden away somewhere in the city, all by himself, in a terrible place mentally? What if he had fallen back into his depression? What if he was trapped so deep in the darkest corners of his mind to the point of losing track of time? What if it was about the Green Arrow but he had not been able to focus one hundred percent on the fight and got hurt, or worse? What if…? Her mind had been going in circles for hours. He still hadn't seen her text. Or the new one she had sent him an hour ago. Letting him know that there were leftovers in the fridge, in case he hadn't eaten yet and wasn't going to before coming home. Trying to remind him to eat something.

She considered contacting Felicity for the umpteenth time, still being torn whether she should or not. If it was GA business that kept Ollie from coming home, Felicity would know and could give her a short summary of what was going on and why she hadn't been contacted by Ollie. But the time that it would take Felicity to answer her text, which she knew the other woman would right away not wanting her to worry more or longer than necessary, would mean her focus would not be on the mission which could get any member of the team in the field killed… it was not worth it. Besides, if Ollie's radio silence had to do with his conversation with Laurel and was not GA related, she didn't want to worry the team and even less, make them aware of Ollie's struggles and the reason behind them. They would ask too many questions that she wouldn't answer, which would eventually lead to them confronting Ollie about it, and she did not want that.

So, she stayed on her course and did not contact Felicity, or anyone else. Staring back on her blank screen. She was just about to pull the string under the little bird's nest again when she heard the front door, followed by the familiar sounds of Ollie putting his keys on the little table in the foyer, taking his jacket and shoes off and then the sound of the water running in the bathroom. He was home. Ollie was home. He was alive. He was safe.

He was home.

The moment he stepped over the threshold to their room, she knew that she should've stopped him from talking to Laurel. The look on his face said it all. She shouldn't have let him go. She had known this was going to happen, that it would destroy all the progress that he had made over the last couple of months. She could also see a bruise building on his face, so there had been GA business involved in his absence too, just as she had suspected.

"I'm sorry. I should've... I didn't mean to worry you." It wasn't hard for her to detect the remorse in his voice and the truth in his words.

"I know." She replied flatly, not being able to put the anger she felt at herself for not stopping him from talking to Laurel away. Nor the anxiety she had felt for the last couple of hours. And yes, she was also a little mad at him for the way he had handled the situation and not giving her a sign of life.

"I'm sorry." He sounded so broken and yet all she could bring herself to do was nod her head and purse her lips before sighing.

"Are you injured?" she kept the tone of her voice matter of fact. She didn't want him to know just how much she had worried and make him feel even worse than he already did. But she needed to know that the bruise on his face was the only physical injury he had received tonight.

"No. No." his voice sounded hoarse to the point where she could barely make out his reply until he put more force into it and repeating his answer. She wasn't sure whether she should believe him or not. A part of her wanted to make sure, insist he take off his shirt so she could verify his answer, but she was certain that having her fuss over him right now was not what he needed and again, would be a sure sign for him about how anxious she had been and lead to him beating himself up over his actions even more than he already was.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Sara cocked her head slightly to the side, so she could study him better, in order to get a read on him and making sure he knew that she was here to listen if he felt like talking, but also keeping the tone of her voice as neutral as possible. She didn't want him to feel pressured to talk. It was important that he knew whatever he decided was fine with her, either way.

"No." his reply was soft but left no doubt how sure he was about his choice.

"Okay." Alright, he didn't want to talk about it, and he wasn't hurt. So there really wasn't anything else to do tonight but go to bed and get some much-needed sleep. Sara put her cell phone on the nightstand next to the bed, shifted forward a little, removed the pillows she didn't need to be more comfortable to sleep and laid down on her side her back facing towards his side of the bed, the way Mila had placed herself at the moment made this the most comfortable position for her to try to sleep in, pulling the blanket over her body and closing her eyes.

They could talk about a solution to the problem that led to her anxiety tomorrow. Figure out how to keep her from worrying if he couldn't text her.

She got it. She really did. She got why he hadn't texted her; she knew how he worked, and she knew that it probably had taken everything he had to stay focused on the mission and put his feelings and the conversation with Laurel out of his mind. She understood. She didn't like it, but she got it. And it would've been fine… his actions would've been fine had she been able to go look for him, to make sure that he was okay… had it only been her… but now, with Mila, she couldn't go out and look for him in the middle of the night… she couldn't save his ass if he was in trouble, she couldn't have his back in the field if he was emotionally unstable and therefore prone to get distracted and possibly hurt as a consequence… it wasn't just her anymore and she just needed… she needed an update, a small sign that he was okay, a message that he had donned the suit and was out fighting and not hidden away somewhere in solitude, punishing himself with isolation. Just something.

Sara could feel the mattress dip a little when Ollie finally got into bed with her. She waited for him to shift closer to her and wrap his arm around her like he always did, yet the cold space between them wasn't closed by the bulk of his warm body and she and Mila weren't enfolded in his safe embrace. She wondered for a moment if maybe he really just needed his space, when she heard him swallow hard and feel his eyes on her back.

Ollie… her Ollie, always thinking the worst… she stretched her hand out behind her back, searching for his to make sure that he understood that yes, she was a bit mad at him, but not for his lack of checking in, more for his not listening to her when she had told him that talking to Laurel was a bad idea, but her being mad at him didn't mean that she wanted there to be any kind of distance between them… that the reason for her current position was their daughter, nothing else. She took hold of his hand and softly tugged on it, trying to pull him closer to her and erase the cold, empty space between them. The moment he realized what she was doing he followed her silent instructions and shifted closer until she could wrap the arm of the hand she was holding on to, around herself, she removed her hand from the iron grip that he now had on it because Mila had just woken up and was kicking her stomach, as if to say "hi" to her dad. She noticed the fist he had turned his hand into after releasing hers, when she tried to put it on the spot their daughter was kicking at, so she softly stroked the back of his hand for a moment, trying to let him know that no she hadn't removed her hand from his for any of the negative thoughts that were currently going through his mind, and then slowly pried his fingers open, so she could finally move his open palm to the intended spot. Placing hers atop of his on her stomach, above their daughter's busy feet.

She was slowly drifting off when she felt Ollie pulling her even closer, so that there was no more space left between her back and his chest. She could hear him whisper another broken "I'm sorry, Pretty Bird." Before he kissed the back of her head softly, lingering for a moment. She wanted to reply to him, reassure him, but sleep was taking her over before she could. It had been a long, eventful and emotionally draining day.

"Tommy!"

Sara's eyes sprang open the moment she recalled how her night had ended. Fuck! Of course she was feeling exhausted, she had barely slept; it had been less than two hours after she had fallen asleep that Ollie's tossing and turning had woken her up. They had spent hours awake, while he had cried in her arms. And she had grieved Tommy with him. Her tension headache was explained now, too. Everything made so much more sense now. Sara put her hand on top of Ollie's kissing his chest and biting her lip. She felt like crying again. Remembering Ollie's breakdown, his anguish… god, it hurt. It hurt almost as much as the loss of Tommy did.

Sara closed her eyes again. Willing those thoughts and feelings away in order to get a couple more hours of sleep. The clock on Ollie's nightstand had let her know that she had only fallen back asleep three hours ago. She really needed to get some more rest, so she was on top of her game in the morning to take care of her grieving husband. Thankfully, her body agreed and cooperated with her and she fell back asleep only a little while later after she had used some meditation techniques the League had taught her to empty her mind of all thoughts.


Notes:

Okay, so I felt like I didn't get into Sara enough last chapter and wanted to make sure that her actions make sense and are not misunderstood. I never meant for her part to get this long, lol. On the plus side, given the fact her part of reflecting turned out this long means that part of the next chapter is already written and I'm hopeful to get it out soon and not make you guys wait this long again.

As always let me know your thoughts and I hope this chapter wasn't too confusing. The structure was weird to write in... I don't know... I tried something but I probably won't use this form again anytime soon...

The chapter title is from the song "Happy Hurts" by Icon for Hire.