Notes:
I am so so very sorry it has taken me this long to update.
Things have been really weird lately and there has been a lot going on.
I was also stuck on all ends and didn't know how to continue the story for a while. I was seriously struggling with this chapter.
Again, so sorry and I hope you like this chapter.
Chapter 50
I didn't get my perfect fantasy, it's more than a little maddening got me second guessing everything that's happening
Laurel
She wasn't sure how much time had passed between the time Oliver had left and Thea arrived back home. Her head was still spinning from everything she had learnt, and her thoughts were going a million miles a minute. Trying to make sense of everything she had learnt in the brief span of time Oliver had been here. Connecting Oliver's version of events with Sara's and then there was her mind, pulling long forgotten incidents and memories from the back of her mind to the forefront, and giving them additional context she had been lacking for the last ten plus years.
All the arguments Ollie and she had had during the span of their four-year relationship were suddenly looking different, given her newfound information. There were so many things she saw in a different light now. Some of his behavior abruptly made more sense to her when she used to not understand it at all. And just assumed he was being immature. It was all so clear now. How had she not seen it before? How had she not realized the pressure he had been under and how uncomfortable he had been every time she had talked about their future and taking their relationship to the next level?
She should've realized it back then.
God, how could she have been so blind and ignorant? People had been warning her, her dad, her mom, even McKenna… and Sara. Sara had told her straight forward what was going on. How Ollie had been feeling. Her baby sister had even told her Ollie was cheating on her. Well, not in those exact words. And she had left out the fact who he was cheating on her with at that point in time. But still… Sara had tried to warn her. Had tried to make her understand Ollie was about to run, run from her. She had told her as much as she could've without implicating herself, or "ratting out" Ollie. And all she had done was attack her. Because she had known subconsciously that Sara was right. That Ollie wasn't ready, that things weren't as perfect as she had made them out to be… but she hadn't wanted to see. It had been easier to close her eyes from the truth and stay blind to all of those facts. To pretend once they moved in together everything would be fine, things would change. To attack Sara and accuse her of not being happy for her. Instead of facing reality and the possibility, she and Ollie might not be as perfect a fit as she had wanted them to be. That maybe the life she had dreamed of having for nearly a decade would never become a reality.
She had learnt so much about Ollie and about Sara in those two conversations. So much she had never known, she had never taken the time to learn. She had been so focused on school and achieving the image of the future she had created in her head that she had never paid as much attention to the present as she should have. All she had been willing to see was the future and the life she pictured Ollie and she would have.
She had been blissfully ignorant to what was going on in both her boyfriend's and her sister's lives. Just assuming that they were both acting out and being childish. Never realizing that there might have been a deeper, more serious issue which led to their self-sabotaging and destructive behavior. Or just how bad things actually had gotten. That it had gone far beyond having fun and overdoing it a little while partying, far past immature pranks and stupid little games to see if they could get away with it, like they used to do a lot back when they were kids.
She hadn't even known her boyfriend had had a drug problem, for crying out loud! How could she have not been aware of that? She had known about the partying, of course, everyone had. She had known about the excessive drinking and yes; she had also known that he, Tommy, and Sara used to smoke weed. She hadn't been aware of her boyfriend's, and probably his best friend's, and her little sister's use of harder drugs. She should've been aware of that. She should've known. Why hadn't she known?
An icy fist suddenly squeezed her chest in a painful grip. When her subconscious pulled a long-forgotten memory to the forefront.
Ollie sitting in his bed, propped up against several pillows, looking pale, dark circles under his eyes and covered in a sheen of sweat. He had looked awful. He had looked really sick. Yet, played it off when she had mentioned it and been really worried about him and his health. Joking around and easing her worry. Typical Oliver; always pretending everything was fine and downplaying anything that might lead to people worrying about him.
She remembered Tommy calling her to let her know Ollie had been at the hospital but was back home now. No one had ever told her why he had been admitted or what had happened exactly. She had asked Ollie, but he had just brushed it off and given her excuses, distracting her and keeping her from worrying, something he had a tendency to do.
He had never liked it when people worried about him.
She had asked Tommy, but he had insisted he had no clue, not that she had believed him. Tommy had always been a terrible liar. But she also knew there was no way he would ever go against Ollie's wishes. So if Ollie didn't want her to know, Tommy wasn't going to tell her.
She had asked Moira and Robert, but neither of them had told her anything at first. And had then made up some excuse along the line of food poisoning when she wouldn't let up, which she had never really believed, but she had also known that the Queens were very private and wouldn't share anything unless they wanted to. So that was a dead end too, and really there hadn't been anyone else who could have told her.
It had been about a week later, which she had mostly spent at the Queens, to her dad's chagrin, that she had learnt through chance that Sara had been with Ollie at the hospital. That she had stayed with him during his three-day stay there, that she had even stayed with him after he had come back home, right up to an hour before her arrival. Her baby sister had known about her boyfriend's hospital visit for days and never told her.
She had been so angry at Sara until she had registered the rest of the conversation between her and Ollie's mom. Her mom had come to the Queens to check up on Moira and see how Ollie and everyone in the family was doing. That was when they had come to the subject of Sara and how she had been the one who had called 911. Sara had been the one who had probably saved his life.
They had talked about how Sara had been very distraught and emotional. That her sister had been in shock and anxious about her best friend. Laurel was still a little mad at her for not letting her know, but she could understand that Sara might have assumed Ollie had let her know, or Moira and Robert had contacted her. It must have been very scary and traumatizing to see Ollie in a state that would request 911. Ollie had always been the one taking care of Sara, always been the one taking care of everyone. So, finding him in a situation that requested help for him must have been so very terrifying for her baby sister. She couldn't even imagine how she would've felt had she been the one who had found him.
Looking back now, there had been a rather strange part in the conversation between the two older women, when her mom had mentioned her confusion as to why Sara had been at Ollie's college and everything surrounding the event. And on how Sara refused to give her an explanation that made actual sense. Moira's reply had been rather short, clipped, and almost cold. She had also pretty much ended their conversation at that point and made her mother understand that she had overstayed her welcome, but in the charming, disarming way all the Queens seemed to be masters in. Thinking back to it now, there were a lot of questions she suddenly had. She had been slightly confused about the turn in their conversation back then, but hadn't thought too much about it. But now she couldn't help but wonder…
Had Moira known? Had Moira known that her son was involved with both of her mother's daughters? Had that been why she had acted the way she had? Why she had suddenly made her mother leave?
If Laurel was completely honest with herself, it wouldn't surprise her. Not after everything she had learnt about Oliver's mother over the past five years. Moira had made it a point to know exactly what was going on in her children's lives and do whatever it took to protect them, or her version of it anyway, and ensure that the Queen name was not being dragged through the mud or tarnished. And their stellar reputation would stay intact. Always cleaning up behind her children's messes and doing whatever it took to keep their shortcomings out of the public's eyes. Not that Ollie had made that easy on her, or Thea, for the matter.
She had tried to find out what had happened from Sara. But all her sister had told her was that she had found Ollie, passed out in his room, that she didn't know what had happened. And she couldn't tell her anything she didn't know. Laurel had been pretty sure that she had known more too, just like Tommy, but she had known just like Tommy Sara would never betray Ollie's trust.
She just knew that something didn't add up. If Ollie had indeed had food poisoning, why had everyone refused to tell her to begin with? And why had neither Tommy nor Sara ever mentioned anything along those lines? There would've been no reason for them to deny knowing anything if it had simply been food poisoning, as Ollie's parents had claimed. And the official story had been.
Laurel was almost certain now that it had probably been drug related, that Ollie might actually have gone through withdrawals when she visited him at home. And no one had told her because of how she would've reacted had she learnt about her boyfriend's drug use.
And Moira and Robert hadn't shared the information because had the public learnt about it, the Queen name would've been besmirched. She could easily picture the tabloids headlines: "The Queen Heir has been committed to a hospital after a drug overdose" yeah, that would've been terrible publicity for the Queen name and nothing Moira or Robert would've ever let come to pass. They had just barely tolerated the headlines the tabloids regularly used when mentioning Ollie. Usually involving partying, drinking and the occasional arrest. And even then, they had the tendency to sue the publications for slander, libel, or defamation. Not that any of the cases were ever taken to court or had any merit given the truth behind the articles but just the threat of going against the army of lawyers the Queen family had was usually enough to have them retract even the stories that were true. It was easier to comply with their wishes then go against the billion dollar empire they represented.
She, just like her mom, had also never actually found out what Sara had been doing at Ollie's college on a random weekday, when she should've been in school.
Given the date of Ollie's hospitalization, Laurel was sure she now knew why Sara had visited him during the week. She felt a pang in her heart at the thought of her sister having driven all that way and missed school to hook up with her boyfriend, but at the same time she felt relief and gratefulness. Ollie might have died had he and Sara not been sneaking around behind her back. Had Sara not chosen that specific date and time to go and visit him.
She should've known what was going on.
Yet, the rational part of her brain reminded her that Ollie, Sara and Tommy would've made damn sure she wouldn't find out about their drug use. Knowing her stance when it came to drugs. It wasn't hard for her to now see the irony in it all. She had been so strict with them and argued with them so much about their excessive drinking and yet; she was the one who ended up an alcoholic, who also ended up abusing her father's prescription drugs to numb her pain after… after…
Had Ollie been in so much pain back then that he had to turn to alcohol and drugs to numb it? Had he felt as alone with his pain as she had after Tommy died? Had he felt like there wasn't anyone he could turn to confide in? She hadn't understood back then. She hadn't been able to. She hadn't had enough experience to understand what it was like to feel utterly and completely alone, like no one could understand you. Like no one cared enough to even try to understand your pain. How it felt to disappoint the people you wanted to make proud the most. The complete and utter devastation and desperation that came with feeling like a complete failure of not being good enough for anyone.
"Ollie… he… was I ignorant of Ollie's feelings? To… was I forcing him to be someone he wasn't? I… Ollie said… Ollie told me I put a lot of pressure on him. That I made him feel like he wasn't enough, that nothing he did was ever enough for me and I… is it true? Did I make him feel like I wasn't happy with the person he was? I know… I just wanted him to reach his full potential. I knew what he was capable of and I just didn't want him to waste his potential… I thought… I thought I was helping him become the best version of himself. I never knew… I never realized… I never meant for him to feel like that, Thea. Ollie always made me feel like I could achieve everything I wanted. That I could reach all of my goals. He was always there, supporting me and cheering me on. I just wanted him to feel the same way. I never meant to make him feel bad. How could I make him feel like he wasn't good enough?" she let go of Thea's hand once she felt the tears fall. Burying her face in her hands, trying to calm herself down, keep the sobs at bay.
Her heart broke for Oliver.
Laurel for the first time in years understood exactly how he must have felt. And the pain this realization brought with it tore her insides to shreds. She wished she had known sooner, wished he had felt comfortable enough to share his feelings, his pain with her. She wished she could've been someone he could've confided in. Wished that she could've been there for him and helped him. Made him see just what an amazing person he was. She had never meant to make him feel pressured or undervalued with her actions. She had only wanted him to reach his full potential and see just what he was capable of doing if he set his mind on it. The thought that her actions might do the exact opposite of what she had meant them to do had never even crossed her mind. If only she would've seen back then what he had told her now. Maybe she could've helped him, helped ease some of his pain. Instead of causing him even more. If only she hadn't been so blind.
"Laurel, you couldn't have known, not without him telling you. You meant well. Everyone knows that. I'm sure Ollie knows that, too. It's not like you could've known that your approach wasn't the right one for him. I don't know… I can't tell you if you were ignorant of his feelings… I can't answer that question I don't know what you guys used to talk about. How much of how he was feeling he was sharing with you back then… Ollie has always been good at hiding how he really felt, even before… so I don't know. I guess you're the only one who knows the answer to that question." She knew Thea meant well and also that she was right, rationally speaking and yet, part of her felt like she should've known. After all, Sara had known, which was something she pointed out to Ollie's sister. She took a moment to gather her thoughts to make sure Thea understood what she was trying to say, to figure out what exactly it was that she was trying to say.
"Selfish. I was so selfish. I knew… I knew Sara had a crush on him our senior year in High School… and I was pretty sure that Ollie might… that he was starting to look at her as more than just little Sara Lance… and I… I loved him Thea. I was so jealous of the way Sara just… everything between Sara and Ollie seemed so effortless. They were just so similar and she just understood him and Tommy in a way I couldn't… I didn't know Thea. I swear I didn't know that what Sara was feeling for Ollie was more than just a schoolgirl crush…" She wasn't sure how she had ended up here, given where the conversation had started at but it seemed right to finally come clean. To confess to someone. She had felt like this for a while. Selfish. Ever since Sara had reminded her of the little stunt she had pulled all those years ago. Selfish and guilty. Looking back now she could see. It was almost as if… had her actions back then led to Sara and later on Ollie spiraling out of control? Was she at least partially responsible for their downward spirals? Had she played a part in it?
She had spent a lot of time mulling over her and Sara's conversation all those weeks ago. And especially the parts where her sister had opened up and shared her feelings. How she had been feeling back then and how Oliver had and still made her feel. It was almost eerie how similarly they had described their relationship to her.
"No one's ever made me feel the way Ollie did… Like I was the only one in the room, the only one that mattered. His first priority... Ollie would tell me I was perfect. He made me feel like I was enough whenever we were together I felt like I was all he wanted... he always made me feel like he wanted me for me. The whole messed up package. He knew me. He knew me like no one else did. He knew all of my issues, my flaws, my problems. He knew how seriously fucked up I was, and he didn't care. He didn't want me, despite all of it. He wanted me because of it, because I understood how messed up he was… it was almost as if we were each other's sanctuary. During the time we spent together we could forget everything that wasn't in that moment. That wasn't the other and us together. All of our problems they'd disappear for those stolen moments we were alone in… I… Ollie's… Ollie's the most important person in my life. Ollie's… Ollie's always been there for me, no matter what… I… I don't know what I'd do without him… Ollie's… Ollie's my true north, my touchstone… I… Ollie… Ollie knows how important he is to me. What he means to me."
"… and then there was Sara... Sara was the only person in my life who told me and kept on telling me it was my life and what I wanted to do with it, how I was going to live it was my choice and no one else's… Sara, who accepted me the way I was, who didn't try to change me. Sara, who knew exactly how lost I was because she was lost, too. She understood what it was like to be under the pressure of having to measure up to someone you will never be able to measure up to. She understood what it was like to not be the person you were expected to be, to not fit into the box people wanted to put you into. Sara was my friend, my partner in crime, my confidante… When I was with Sara I felt free, free from the burdens that came with being the heir to a billion-dollar company, free from all the expectations, she made me feel like I could be anything I wanted, do anything I wanted. She made me feel I had a say and choice when it came to my life and future… but Sara, Sara's the only person… Sara's… I never knew I could value someone's life more than my own. Sara made me understand what unconditional love is. Sara was the first person I was willing to do whatever it took to keep her with me. She made me realize that I was the type of person who had to be held back from jumping back into the freezing waters of the north china sea during a category two storm to keep me from going to look for one of my best friends, even at the risk of drowning myself. She was the first person I would've died for, the first person I was willing to die for, and she was the first person I killed for. She taught me I'm the kind of person who does whatever, whatever it takes to protect the people I love. There is nothing I wouldn't do for her. I love her more than I ever thought I could love someone… Sara's the love of my life… Your sister and I have been through so much together… we just fit. It doesn't matter if we were apart for a year, or five, or just a couple of months… it's never weird. It always feels right, like coming home. She gets me, and I get her. I don't need to explain… she just understands. We're speaking the same language. Everything just feels natural with her, everything always just happens, it's almost effortless."
"Laurel…" She pulled herself away from her thoughts to focus on Thea and what she was about to say when the doorbell rang and they shared a confused look before the small brunette go up from her perch on the floor to answer the door.
Joanna
The scene she encountered wasn't at all what she had expected. Laurel was a mess. Joanna wasn't sure what could have led to this. She unfortunately hadn't been in contact with Laurel as much as she had wanted to during the last six months while she was away, taking care of her mother, who had had an accident. This was why Laurel had invited her over tonight, a week ago, when she had let her know about her return to Star City. So that they could catch up. She had been looking forward to tonight, seeing Laurel again for the first time in months.
But given Thea's greeting of "Perfect timing, Laurel could really use you now." And the condition Laurel seemed to be in the evening was obviously taking another turn than expected.
She wondered what had happened.
Her friend had hinted at a lot going on in her life right now. She had also mentioned that Sara had come back home. And that she was happy about it, but that not everything was as she had expected. And everything involving her sister's return was a lot more complicated than anyone had first expected. And given some of Laurel's comments, Sara playing a part in her current state wouldn't surprise her. Her friend's younger sister had been responsible for several of Laurel's downward spirals and emotional breakdowns over the ten-year period she had known her. Honestly, one of those was responsible for the two of them becoming friends in the first place.
So, learning Oliver had been the one who had brought Sara back home only confirmed her suspicions that the naturally blonde Lance played a part in all of this. And Oliver probably too.
What Joanna had not expected at all, to be quite honest, was the revelation that Sara was pregnant with Oliver's child. Now that was a shocker. She could see how this might throw Laurel for a loop. Wow! Talk about unexpected. This was a serious plot twist, especially given the supposed status of their relationship and the fact that Oliver had just come out of a very serious long-term relationship. Wow. She honestly wasn't sure what to say to that, so she decided to stay quiet and just let Laurel and occasionally Thea talk. Just taking everything in and digesting it all.
Joanna wasn't sure what to make of everything she had just learnt. Honestly, most of it wasn't that surprising, not like the pregnancy revelation had been. She'd known Laurel for a long time. Granted, it had been after Oliver and Sara had already been missing that Laurel and she had become friends.
Laurel had been a mess and of course thanks to who Oliver was the entire tragedy, including the gossip part of Oliver possibly having had an affair with his girlfriend's younger sister and speculations as to why, had been all over the news and magazines. So, yes, everyone had known who Laurel was right away. That had not made the start of Law School any easier for her. Joanna had seen how much Laurel was struggling because of the added pressure and her raw emotional state and taken it upon herself to try to help her classmate. This was how they had ended up as friends.
So, basically, she had had front row seats to this before. Twice almost. And if there was one thing she was one hundred percent sure of, it was this; Oliver Queen was not good for Laurel Lance. They were alright as friends, mostly, even though she was almost certain they had way too much history between them, some of it very fucked up, to ever reach the deep relationship they might have once had.
And she was not going to stand by and watch Laurel spiral down yet again because of a man she should've left alone years ago.
Especially now, now that Oliver was going to be a father to Sara's child.
Joanna had unfortunately been in and out of Laurel's life over the last three years, but she had been enough of a participant to know that there was a pattern where Oliver was concerned, more than one actually.
One; whenever Oliver was pushed to pick a side between the Lance sisters, he usually took Sara's.
Two; Laurel had the tendency to blame Oliver for everything that was going wrong in her life. And yes, he had been responsible in quite a few instances in her life where it was a fact, but it had been a long time ago.
Of course, learning more about Oliver and Sara's betrayal from years ago was bound to hurt and rip open some scars, but nothing that would warrant the extreme emotional reaction Laurel was currently having.
Not after ten years.
She could understand the part where she was almost hurting for Oliver, after learning about some of his struggles and the pain he appeared to have been in without her knowledge. Not the other part, though. The part where she seemed to be hurting because of their affair still. Laurel had been more or less alright the last time Sara and Oliver had gotten together, after the initial shock and renewed feeling of betrayal, which had been understandable given the situation back then.
But more importantly, Laurel had been fine, more than that, happy for Oliver when he had gotten engaged to Felicity almost a year ago.
What Joanna didn't understand was Laurel had had no issues with Oliver being involved and even ending up engaged to Felicity. She had been happy for them both. And yet, Oliver and Sara being together was completely throwing her for a loop. Which was strange for several reasons. The two of them had already rekindled their romance once before, right after Sara had come back.
Joanna wasn't sure what had led to their breakup and Sara's leaving. But Laurel shouldn't be having the sort of reaction to it she was having. It wasn't that far-fetched after all. They had been here before, minus the pregnancy.
Granted, some of the information Oliver and Sara had given her were shocking, to say the least but again, it had been common knowledge that they had been involved, and everyone who had known them before or even met them after they had been missing, knew how much they cared for each other. So why was Laurel so thrown by it all? Why was it bothering her so much? Was it really about Oliver and Sara? Or was it about something else entirely and she was simply projecting?
So this made no sense.
At least not when looked at it superficially. Take the history and drama that automatically came with anything involving the Lance sisters and Queen Heir out of the equation, and it all made more sense. The three of them had known each other forever. They've grown up together. Laurel, Sara, Oliver... and Tommy. Tommy, who had been Laurel's childhood friend, turned love.
Just like Oliver was to Sara.
Oliver and Sara represented everything Laurel once thought to have, and not just the fact that Laurel once dreamed of literally being in the position Sara was in now, but also marrying her childhood friend and starting a life and family with him. Having with Tommy what Sara and Oliver had right now. Laurel was being confronted with everything she had lost when she lost Tommy. Something her friend still hadn't properly dealt with.
"Laurel, is it possible the way you're feeling has little to do with Oliver and Sara and more to do with what they represent? I don't mean to sound cold or uncaring. But you've known about their affair for ten years. Yes, learning that they've actually been involved behind your back for more than a year is a shock and it is understandable that this new knowledge throws you for a loop and makes you question your and Oliver's relationship. And it is not hard to grasp how this would hurt you, just as learning about how Oliver had felt during your relationship. I can easily see how it would make you wonder about a lot and that it probably hurts, knowing he hadn't felt comfortable telling you about the way he had felt all those years ago. But again, it was ten years ago. You were both different people then and you've both moved on. Oliver was ready to marry another woman a year ago, and that didn't throw you off at all. You were happy for him. The only thing that is different now is that the woman he is committing to is your sister. So is it at all possible, that the way you are feeling right now, the pain you are feeling, has little to do with that and more to do with what Oliver and Sara represent? About them becoming a family? Having a baby? Making a life together? Is it possible that you are envious of what they have, that you want what they have and represent and not of them. Maybe they're showing you what you've been missing for years. What you would want. And to be frank, Oliver isn't what you want. Oliver hasn't been what you want for a long time. It's just easier to pretend he is. Because it's safe." Joanna knew she was being harsh and was probably pushing too far too fast, but Laurel sometimes just needed a dose of reality and some tough love.
Notes:
As always please let me know if I didn't do Laurel justice in this. She is still a character I seriously struggle with every time I write her.
I also want to share some of my thoughts on how Laurel wasn't aware of so many things. I'm assuming that at least part of her and Oliver's relationship was long distance. They were in college. And I'm not sure if Laurel went to college in Starling, I'm assuming she did because she was at home during the flashback when Sara surprise visited them from college. Which also means Sara wasn't going to college in Starling, presumably.
Given Oliver dropping out of four colleges it's also rather logical that not all four of them were in Starling, so he was bouncing between colleges and home for four years. Cause what are the chances of Starling having four Ivy League schools? Which means hiding his affairs, alcohol and drug use from his girlfriend wouldn't have been that difficult. But those are just my thoughts and the conclusion I've come to, given the limited information Arrow has given us about their pasts.
Okay, so Arrow's backstory was once again anything but consistent. Laurel and Joanna met in Law School. According to Joanna, she was there when or right after Oliver and Sara disappeared because she had witnessed Laurel throw herself into work, according to her. So, given that information and the fact that Laurel was done with Law School in 2010, it means she probably started right before Oliver and Sara left on the Gambit. Which is in complete contrast to Oliver's statement in Season 1 „You went to Law School like you always said you would." He should've been aware of that, given the fact that she would've started in the fall of 2007. So, yeah, I'm sort of free styling a little here. I swear this stuff is driving me crazy! I keep on having to look stuff up and then figure it out for myself so that it makes some sort of sense. I hope this does make sense to everyone who isn't me. Otherwise let me know.
I loved Joanna, I missed Joanna and I never understood why they took the one friend Laurel had away from her… so this is me bringing her back and trying to explain where she's been the last 2-3 years… maybe? I know we saw her once in Season two but I think that was it. I know her part is very short, but again, I'm very unsure about how I wrote her or if people are even interested in her POV. So let me know.
Haven't gotten around to watching more of Arrow season 5 so far... still trying to keep that up too, though.
As always please let me know what you though of the chapter.
Chapter Title is from the song "Picture to Burn" by Taylor Swift and "Curse or Cure" by Icon for Hire.
