Notes:
I am so very sorry it has taken me this long again to update.
I started a new job two weeks ago in addition to the ones I already have, plus I also had a course that I was taking, so I unfortunately didn't get around to writing as much as I wanted to.
Please let me know what you think about this chapter. I'm a little nervous to be honest. It's a little different.
Chapter 52
Out of sight, out of mind out of time to decide do we run? Should I hide for the rest of my life? Can we fly? Do I stay? We could lose, we could fail in the moment it takes to make plans or mistakes
Quentin
He would lie if he said he hadn't been worried about his baby girl and Oliver after receiving a rather brief text from Sara a couple of days ago. Letting him know that they'll be spending some time with no contact with the outside world and that she'll text him once they're ready to rejoin it. It hadn't been the shortness of the text or her just getting straight to the point, with no further explanation. That was typical for his baby, at least ever since she came back, not back in her teenage years. But the subject and underlying context of the text had been what had worried him. Sara and Oliver had gotten extremely codependent ever since they've come back home. Well, before that probably, given the fact they had already been very codependent when they got back from their travels. The problem was... there had always been dependency in one way or another where those two, and Tommy, had been involved, but never to the extent they now showed. They had depended on each other, all three of them, but they also still had lived their separate lives and had their individual interests. The group dynamic between those three had been something else... but this was not the point right now.
But now, now their every... everything in their lives seemed to revolve around the other. It was understandable to some extent, and he understood the reasons and why... but he also knew that it could be a very dangerous thing. And he was anxious about what would happen once Sara left...
They were completely leaning on each other and overall very codependent, even while they had gone through some personal issues and Sara had seemed to physically and especially emotionally distance herself from Oliver, if only slightly. They had still been each other's primary focus, the center of their own little universe. Which would be fine, well, still a little worrisome if he were honest, but fine if Sara wasn't planning on leaving town, leaving Oliver.
He wasn't an idiot, and he wasn't nearly as ignorant as the people in his life liked to believe he was. Quentin knew what loosing Sara had done to Oliver in the past, even if he hadn't been aware that his baby, or rather her absence, had been the reason for the young man's downward spirals and very erratic and uncharacteristic behavior at those specific points in time. He couldn't even, or rather, didn't want to imagine what it would do to him now, given their current situation, and just how much they were leaning on the other.
So, having them completely cut out the world, and everyone they usually interacted with for an unspecified amount of time, had him worried. Understandably so, he hoped. His daughter's habit of stating just the bare minimum needed to get what she wanted you to know across in her texts meant he had no further context and no idea what had brought this on and whether it was a good or a bad thing.
Maybe he'd feel less worried if she had given him a hint why they had chosen to isolate themselves, or a timeframe for how long they'd be secluded… hold on, wasn't Dinah supposed to visit on the weekend? Well, that would make it four days, four days at the maximum that they'd be spending alone together, given the fact that his ex-wife always stayed with Sara. That wasn't too bad. They should be fine for four days. After all, they had spent five months alone together… which had led to their codependency, severe mental health issues and an unplanned pregnancy… well… on second thought, he wasn't so sure about it anymore now. Not that there was anything he could do, short of showing up at their apartment unannounced… which he couldn't do. They were adults. They were more than capable of taking care of themselves. Both Sara and Oliver had proven that more than once… and yet… he worried, and not running to their apartment to check up on them was very difficult.
It was sometimes easy to forget who they were now. Easy to still see them as the kids they used to be, even if he'd never admit that to Di, especially when they weren't feeling alright. The signs were there; the signs had always been there, he just hadn't wanted to see them. Hadn't wanted to admit that his baby girl had some serious mental health issues, even as a teen, and that Oliver was very troubled as well. It had been easier to blame puberty and just pretend it was normal teenage behavior, that they were just acting out.
All three of them.
Tommy had been obvious, his troubles had been very clear from a very young age on, and yet, there had been nothing he could do. He had never felt as useless as a police officer as he had when it came to one of his daughters' best friends. He had tried, he really had, but there had been nothing he could do. Tommy had denied everything and Malcolm used to have friends in high places… The Queens had done what they could too, taking the boy in as often as possible. But in the end all of their hands had been tied.
Yes, Tommy's troubles had been very obvious, if you knew what to look for, and his actions understandable. That poor boy had been through more than any child should have to go through by the age of twelve, loosing his mother in such a horrible way at only eight years old, being abandoned by his father shortly thereafter for two years, only to be ripped out of the home he had created in his father's absence and loosing all the stability, and support he had received from his adopted family during that time. Only to be confronted with a person who was nothing like his father used to be. Malcolm Merlyn might as well have been a stranger. Thomas Merlyn had been dealt a very rough hand in life. And it hadn't been difficult to understand his behavior, knowing everything that was going on behind closed doors and the perfect image that was always portrayed to the public.
Sara and Oliver had been a very different story. And he, to this day, wasn't sure what had led to Sara's mental health issues as a teenager nor could he say for sure what had led to Oliver's behavior, he had his suspicions but they had never been confirmed, just like Oliver's possible troubles as a teen and young adult had never been confirmed. Or which of the two had spiraled first. Sara or Oliver. They always had a very unique bond which had led to an interplay when it came to their mental health. They both dragged each other down and yet supported and built each other up. The two of them had always tried to help and make things better for the other. But there had also been times when they had made each other's troubles even worse. Like their use of alcohol and drugs. And yes, he had been aware of the drugs, some of them at least, given their habits of partying and knowing which substances were usually found at events like those, it wasn't hard for him to conclude what else they might have taken. Especially given Oliver's lack of financial cut off. There had been nothing he couldn't afford, nothing he hadn't been able to get, which was a very dangerous thing for a kid his age. And Sara had always been a curious child, willing and eager to try everything and anything, always looking for new experiences.
Even though there had been moments in their youth where he had been convinced that Sara and Oliver spending as much time together as they did wasn't healthy and bad for both of them. Only to then realize it was much worse whenever they rarely spent any time together. Worst had always been when they had fought. Those were the moments Sara would be absolutely uncontrollable and spiral fast and hard. It had been a very surprising realization that even though Sara and Oliver tended to feed off of each other and egg the other on, they also kept each other in check, at least to some degree. And Quentin could usually count on both Oliver and Tommy to make sure Sara would be alright and save.
The bond between those three had, had been very fascinating. Their dynamic had been very interesting. Oliver had always clearly been the protector out of all four kids. Sara had also taken on a protective role whenever Tommy was concerned and there had been times starting very early on that Sara had been very possessive of Oliver and he had been surprised about the older boy's reaction towards his friend's younger sister and how he hadn't seemed to care and actually enjoyed her company and the attention she was giving him.
Both Laurel and Sara had been smitten with seven-year-old Oliver Queen and it had been obvious that Oliver had been smitten with Laurel too and yet, Sara had always fascinated him and those two had just hit it off, their similar characters probably played a huge part in that.
And Tommy, Tommy had been the prankster out of the four of them. Always doing stupid things that would get him in trouble with his father. Quentin had to grin when he recalled the time he had been called to the Merlyn estate to pick up his youngest from a party Tommy had thrown and how the boy had somehow managed to fill the Merlyn's very impressive pool up to the rim with beer. Yes, the boy had been very imaginative.
And his Laurel had tried to keep them all in line. Always being the voice of reason and a place of unwavering stability in their otherwise crazy and hectic lives. Laurel had been their moral compass. Trying to keep them from falling off the deep end. And doing something they might end up regretting, not that she had usually succeeded in that. But she had at least tried and managed to have them change direction.
Sara, his baby, had funnily enough also been the mother hen, fussing over the boys and always doing what she could to make them feel better. Yes, she had been one of the boys, but she had also been the most nurturing one of them all.
His little sunshine, his easygoing, happy-go-lucky baby who enjoyed life and always wanted to make the most of it. He just hadn't wanted to see, to admit that he and Di might have failed their baby as parents. That they hadn't been able to give her what she had needed. That they hadn't been able to be the parents she had needed, and that knowledge nearly killed him. Even more so now that he was right back in that helpless position, watching her struggle, watching her suffer and yet incapable of doing anything to help her because she refused his help. He wanted to help her. All he had ever wanted was to protect his two girls. And he had failed miserably. He had failed Sara long before she had run off with her sister's boyfriend, who had just so happened to be her best friend. And he had failed Laurel from that very moment on, maybe even before that too.
It had been wrong and selfish, and he knew that Laurel and Dinah would've needed him. That they would have deserved so much better. That Di had tried to help him. Only he hadn't wanted help. Hadn't wanted to work through the pain and learn to move on. He had deserved to feel all the pain he had felt. He had lost his baby girl; he had failed her yet again. Quentin had refused to see what was going on in his own house. His family. Right in front of his eyes. And it had led to a tragedy. His refusal of addressing and admitting what his detective skill were pointing out to him had led to his baby's death. And the agony his first born was feeling because she had lost two of the three people she loved the most. Learning they had betrayed her and her trust at the same time had nearly destroyed her. And he was so grateful that she had been stronger than him, that she hadn't let it destroy her. Not like he had. He had been angry at both Sara and Oliver. Their selfish, cowardly, and foolish actions had led to their deaths. It might have never gotten this far, if only they'd been honest with everyone. They might have never run off together.
But what had pushed him over the edge and turned the focus of his anger and anguish solely on the Queen family. Well, the reminder thereof had been the realization that Moira had known. That Moira had been aware of her son's actions. Moira Queen had known that her son was fooling around with his youngest daughter while he was supposedly in a very serious relationship with his older one. And yet she had done nothing to stop it. So it had been her fault. Had she put a stop to it the moment she had found out, none of this would've happened. He just let his anger at Moira, someone he had considered a friend, swap over to Thea and Tommy, assuming that they had probably been aware of it, too. But most of all, he had been angry at himself and blamed it on himself. He should've known. He was a detective and a damn good one, and he should've known what was going on. He should've noticed the signs. He should've stopped them. He knew it was irrational. How could he have stopped something he hadn't been aware of?
He was a detective he should've known... he should've seen... he should've been able to protect his baby girl. What was the point of working for the police when you were incapable of protecting your own flesh and blood. Loosing Sara had hurt so damn much. His sunshine, his tomboy, his beautiful, mischievous Sara with a heart of gold and a smile that never failed to light up the entire room and brighten everyone's day. Her laugh was infectious, and she had so much potential, so much to look forward to. And all of it had been taken. Because of one questionable choice.
And then there was Oliver. Oliver whom he had known for 15 years. A boy he had considered family for years, a boy he looked at as a son. A good boy, if a little wild, spoiled and troubled. But someone he had looked forward to officially make a part of his family. Someone worthy of his daughter, even if he still had a lot of growing up to do.
It had crushed him. Both his loss and betrayal.
It had been easy to blame Oliver for Sara's death when he had first come home. Even knowing that his baby girl wouldn't approve of it. More than that, knowing that she'd probably be horrified knowing how he was treating Oliver. Still, blaming him had been easy. Simple really. Oliver had lived, Sara hadn't. It had been so much easier to blame Oliver for Sara's death than to keep on hating himself for being unable to protect her. It had been easier to make Oliver the villain than to admit just how much the boy he used to know had changed, and the horrors he must have faced that had led to that change. It was still difficult for him to admit just how damaged Oliver was. Because admitting that would mean admitting yet another one of his failures. Because he had failed Oliver, he had probably even failed him more than either of his daughters.
He couldn't help remember two separate instances where he had been completely out of line and failed Oliver:
"This, uh, Ra's character, he told me that Sara made it to the island with you. You didn't feel like sharing that with me? Huh? I mean, I'm only her father. Well, I was. When did you decide that you knew what was best for my family?" He could easily recall the red haze he had seen through. The pain and betrayal he had felt. Oliver had lied to him. Sara had lied to him for Oliver. Laurel had lied to him. Oliver had kept secrets from him, secrets he had known about his daughter's life that he himself had not been privy to. Things she had refused to share with him.
"I love your family." He couldn't believe the words Oliver spoke, couldn't believe the gall he had after everything.
"You got to right to remain silent. Take it!" The fury had nearly completely taken him over at those words. Looking back now, he knew Oliver had only spoken the truth.
"Just ask me what you want to know." He hadn't realized just how deflated and broken he had looked and sounded.
"What do I want to know? Well, was it worth it? All that pain and misery you brought back from the island? Merlyn, Slade Wilson? Wouldn't it be better if you just died there?"
"The reason I came back was to try and save the people of the city."
"I hate to break it to you, but saving people isn't your specialty. Tommy. Hilton. Your mother. My daughter. And now you're set on killing Laurel, too." He hated himself for the words he had spoken then. Hated the part he played in the decline of Oliver's mental health. Hated how he had made Oliver doubt himself, how he had blamed him for things that had been out of his control.
"I didn't want her to be involved in this. I didn't want anyone to be involved in this." He hadn't realized how much pain the younger man had been in. And how he had spoken the truth. It had only been a short while ago that he had learnt that Oliver had been less than happy when Laurel had chosen to take on her sister's mantle, that he had even refused to help her train, that he had tried to keep her off the streets.
"But you involved me. You spent a year making me look like a fool. You spent a year making me your accomplice. You have any idea what you've done, huh? What you've done to all of us, to the people you claim to care so much about? You've made us criminals! You've made us liars and victims. You, Mr. Queen, are not a hero. You're a villain. But you know that, don't you?" God, if he could take those words back, he would. He had been in pain and wanted Oliver to feel the same amount of anguish he did, never realizing the younger man was already facing his own personal hell.
…
"For years, you've looked at me with such contempt. Utter disdain. So I'm wondering... Do I have that same look on my face now?" It had hurt, the tone of voice Oliver had used, the way he had looked at him. Yes, Oliver had always looked up to him. There had always been some awe in his eyes when he looked at him. But not that night.
…
"No, it's not. Do you have any idea how many people he's killed?" Those words had taken him by surprise and stunned him.
"Yeah, I got more of an idea than you. And listen, you, you of all people, you don't get to come in to my house and pass judgment on me, all right?!" And that was the reason why he had lashed out at him. He had felt attacked and yet knew that Oliver was right.
"No, you always held yourself out as better than me. More righteous. And you were. Until tonight." For once the other man had the moral high ground, and that left him in a position he didn't like.
"… And we needed the help. You weren't here. By the time I figured out who he was, what he was... That's when he threatened Laurel." He had tried to rationalize with Oliver, tried to rationalize with himself, and part of him had hoped Oliver would understand. It would've absolved him of his sin. Because Oliver understood making hard decisions in order to protect the ones you love. He understood doing whatever it takes to keep them safe.
"Laurel can take care of herself. You see what she does out there." Those were not the words he had expected. He had thought Oliver would understand his need to protect the only daughter he had left.
"That's what I thought about Sara, too—" He had assumed reminding Oliver of what had happened to his professionally trained baby would make him understand the position he had been in.
"Stop, stop it! Stop hiding behind your daughters! They would be ashamed of what you're doing right now." Oliver's words had felt like a punch in the gut. Well, not the words per see but the very impassioned and anguished voice which had been raw with emotion. He had not expected that reaction, he had not expected this rare show of emotions from Oliver.
"You don't know what I'm going through. "The words had sounded hollow even to his own ears.
"You want to know a funny thing? You were the main reason behind me running for mayor! A part of me has always wanted you to see what kind of man I really am. I didn't expect to wind up finding out what kind of man you really are." This, this had been the worst of it all. He had failed Oliver. The young man had looked up to him for as long as he had known him. But he had only then realized that all Oliver had ever wanted was his approval. His respect. Yes, he had let Oliver down so many times. Failed him so many times.
It had been so much easier to blame Oliver, to lay all his anger and anguish on him, to punish him, than to see, really see Oliver for who he was. To try to understand him the way his Sara did. It was easy for him to remember the boy Oliver used to be. The man he had turned into made him both proud and broke his heart. And a part of him just couldn't make the connection between those two. And knowing just what it must have taken to turn the soft, kind-hearted and compassionate boy he once was into a man who was willing to kill was almost too much to bear. Knowing that both Oliver and Sara must have gone through hell to turn into the people they now were was gut-wrenching.
So it was easier to blame them for falling in love with each other, as Dinah had so perfectly pointed out earlier. Because if they hadn't fallen in love they wouldn't have been on that godforsaken boat. And they would've been spared so much pain and suffering. Everyone would've been spared so much anguish.
Not that there weren't some good things that had come from it. For example, Sara and Oliver having a child together meant that Oliver was now officially a part of the Lance family, after all. Just like Di and he had always assumed the boy would be one day. Even though they had expected their older daughter to be the one making that happen. He had to admit, looking back now, or even looking at the present, Sara and Oliver did make a lot more sense as a couple and they were a lot more compatible than Laurel and Oliver.
He was happy to have Oliver as a part of his family. He was proud of the man he had become and very grateful for his choice to raise his and Sara's child. It meant the world to him, and Oliver's choice was so very important.
But most importantly; Sara was staying, if Di was right with what she said, it meant that Sara was going to stay and raise her daughter with Oliver, something he was sure his daughter wouldn't even have considered had the father of her unborn child not made the choice he had a few months ago.
Sara was staying.
He had to force himself to focus on what Di was saying after that joyous revelation. He had almost given up hope his daughter might still change her mind. Especially after she had emotionally distanced herself from Oliver and refused to acknowledge her baby's gender or to take part in any conversation or action concerning her daughter and her life after she was born.
Watching the immense contrast between Sara and Oliver's actions where their unborn daughter was concerned had been both very heartbreaking and joyous. Oliver had thrown himself into the role of father-to-be and from the moment he had made the decision to keep his daughter and raise her on his own, should Sara go through with her choice of leaving them after their little girl was born. The younger man had impressed him incredibly. Oliver had gone above and beyond to ensure his daughter would have everything she could possibly want or need. Starting with picking a room for the nursery, to decorating said room, to reading books about parenthood, to even going as far as working on his mental health. Oliver deciding to see a therapist had been the most surprising and, honestly, shocking move to show just how much he was willing to do to do right by his and Sara's child.
He had been extremely impressed by Oliver.
It had been especially surprising given the choice he had made not a year ago involving his son. It made Quentin wonder about Oliver's reasons. If the fact that Sara was his daughter's mother played into his decision. Not that he wasn't grateful for the younger man's choice. A choice that had made sure that he could be a part of his first grandchild's life. Something he would otherwise not have been able to be. But still… it was something he's been thinking about every once in a while. The reason for Oliver's one-eighty approach between his decisions concerning his son and his daughter.
It had been so very difficult for him to do as Di had told him to, and let Sara be. Not try to talk to her and try to change her mind. All he had wanted to do was try to convince her to stay and raise her child. Tell her she would regret it if she left her baby, that there was nothing more gratifying than watching your child grow and be a part of their life. Taking Dinah's advice and biting his tongue, just letting his baby be, had been so very difficult. Yet, he had managed to do it.
And it seemed to have paid off and therefore been worth it.
He wondered what had led to Sara's change of heart and mind and what that might mean for both her and Oliver's relationship, whether they'd decide to give being a couple another chance. They were going to be a family. Quentin guessed, In the end, it didn't matter. They were a family. Had been for more years than he had realized.
Yes, Di had been right, given the newfound knowledge he had to agree the two of them choosing to take some uninterrupted time for themselves in order to find out what the new situation they now found themselves in, on a personal level and their impending parenthood meant, was a very smart and understandable move. Part of him still wished Sara would've made a small mention of it in her text. It would've kept him from worrying.
Notes
As always let me know what you think.
Okay, so... I hope my interpretation of Quentin and maybe some of the reasons why he acted the way he had made sense. If not please tell me.
I have to admit I'm not 100% sure I got the whole Tommy / police thing right. But given all the knowledge I have (through reading up on it and stuff) I'm pretty sure law enforcement can't really do anything in a domestic abuse situation if they have no solid proof and the victim denies it. I might be wrong though but I'm also sure Malcolm would've paid off whoever he had to to make any charges disappear. But again, let me know if I got that wrong.
Yes, Moira knew. Definitely. For sure. And she didn't like it. But there wasn't much she could do without risking Laurel finding out and the perfect future wife for her son leaving him for good and therefore risking him ending up with the trouble maker that was her younger sister. Again, it's a lot more complicated than that. And I may or may not get into it (I want to but I don't know how to get Moira's POV across, when Moira is actually dead and no one knows her inner workings because she was a very private person who wouldn't risk letting people get close enough to use it against her.)
Chapter titel is from the song "30 Minutes" by t.A.T.u
