Notes:
First of all thank you so much to everyone who favorited my story or put it on alert. It means a lot and I really appreciate it!
I am so so very sorry it took me forever to update. I am so sorry for another long wait. This year is just not my family's year…. Life has been a lot lately. I'm really trying to get back to my old schedule.
Here's the next chapter, sorry it's a rather short one but I really wanted to update and meant to for weeks but never managed to actually write the next chapter. So here it is. Let me know what you think.
Chapter 56
I'd say goodnight and place you right there on my table where I slept when I would drink, you made me think , bout all the things that I regret you used to give me life but it was clear you wanted me dead
Dinah
She spent most of the day just walking around Star City, revisiting some places she used to love back when she still lived here and hadn't visited since. The longer she spent alone with herself and her thoughts, the more she regretted her brief outburst. It hadn't been her place. And it hadn't been the right place or time to share the information. She had just been done with everyone and their bullshit and thought it was important they knew what the consequences of their actions could lead to. She still thought so, but she also knew that neither her daughter, nor her… whatever Oliver currently was to her, would be happy about it. No, far from it. But it wasn't like they would let anyone know about the reality of their situation. And she understood and respected why they refused to share their struggles with anyone, but not sharing them and acting as if everything was alright around their friends and family wasn't going to help them understand what was going on and why they should think before they speak or consider the possible backlash their actions and words could have. The consequences of people keep on piling their shit or issues on Sara and especially Oliver could potentially be catastrophic.
A part of her still believed that everyone in Laurel's living room, maybe besides Donna, needed to hear what she had said. But that didn't change the rather unpleasant feeling she had, thinking about the reaction Sara or Oliver would have if they learnt about it. The last thing she ever wanted to do was cause them even more pain or issues to struggle or deal with.
The couple was going to be parents in just a few short months… she wasn't sure about the exact due date. Neither of them had shared that information. She only knew that it was in late February… which meant it could also be mid-February or early March… the calculations tended to be a little off most of the time. Especially when it was a woman's first child. Sara and Oliver needed to be able to focus on that. On the birth of their child, getting accustomed to the thought of becoming parents. They needed to be able to focus on that, not on everyone else's problems. They shouldn't have to suffer the consequences of other people's actions. No, they've suffered enough. And they were working so hard on getting better. On healing as much as they could. The last thing they needed was all this negativity around them. Having the people around them put them down and trying to keep them down instead of helping them improve, get better. They should encourage them, ease their pain and help lift them up, not drag them back down.
There should've been no need for her to share such personal information with anyone in order to have them realize what their actions could do to two people who were already struggling mentally. No, they should've come to that conclusion all by themselves. But it seemed that would never be the case, or would take forever.
Yes, she could understand Laurel's perspective and reasons. She had even encouraged her to get the answers she had been seeking for such a long time. She should've known better. Should've realized what the question to those answers could do to Sara and Oliver. But as much as she wanted to protect them, keep all the things that could make them relapse away from them… as much as she loved them and understood why they kept it from everyone, that they were not at fault for falling in love… Laurel was her daughter too. And she had seen first-hand how much Sara and Oliver's actions had hurt her. How much all of those questions had been eating at her. And she loved both of her daughters equally, if differently. And she didn't want either of them to hurt. Even less because of something that had happened such a long time ago. And Laurel had moved on. There had been no chance or even interest on either side of her and Oliver to resume their relationship or give it another try. Not for several years. But there had been tension underlying for years, closer to the surface from the moment Oliver had come home with Sara. And she would've hated Laurel and Sara's relationship falling apart for good because of the anger and resentment that had festered over the years. All she wanted was for her babies to get along again. To bury the hatched and leave the past in the past, where it belonged. But that was only possible if the issues were being addressed. Which they now have been.
So it was time for them to move on, for good.
And Quentin. Yes, she knew and understood where her ex-husband was coming from. Why he was behaving the way he was and had been ever since Oliver had come home that very first time. Alone. Without their baby girl. There had been so many factors that had played into Quentin's behavior back then. Oliver had been like a son to both of them. They had looked forward to officially welcome him as a part of their family. She understood why Quentin had felt betrayed by the younger man because of his actions. Yes, Oliver had had a reputation. They had been aware of it. Given the knowledge they had had about Oliver's tendency to stray and his casual flings, it hadn't been difficult to understand why Quentin chose to assume Oliver had just used one or both of their daughters for his own personal gain / pleasure. Even though they both knew how much Laurel and Sara meant and always had meant to Oliver. But making Oliver the bad guy, blaming him, was easier than blaming their dead baby girl, while watching the complete agony their firstborn had been in. Yes, it was easier to paint Oliver as someone who had just used their daughters than to acknowledge the very messy, complicated and almost hopeless situation Sara and Oliver had been in. There had been no magical solution to it. No matter the actions they would've taken, there had been no way around Laurel getting hurt.
And Quentin was aware of that too.
But the father of her children had always had issues admitting that neither one of their daughters was perfect and that they both had made choices neither of them agreed with. And not being able to protect them from the evils of the world was very hard on him. Which she could understand. He's job had been to protect the people of Star City, and yet, he hadn't been able to protect his baby. Putting some of the helplessness and uselessness he had felt on Oliver and blaming him for what Sara had been through was easier, especially since Oliver took the blame without arguing, at least most of the time. Oliver had always looked out for Sara, protected her. She was sure a part of Quentin felt Oliver had failed her, had failed them. They had trusted him with their daughters' safety, with their lives. But she also knew that no one was blaming themselves more than Oliver. And none of what happened to both Oliver and Sara had been his fault. Quentin knew that too.
But it was easier to point fingers and tell them the choice they made was wrong than to actually provide them with a different solution. It was even easier to claim that one would've acted differently had they been in Sara and Oliver's situation… yes; it was very easy to judge people for their actions. Even more so, if one refused to put themselves in the person's shoes and situation and tried to see it from their point of view.
Her ex-husband's alcoholism hadn't helped in that situation either. Quentin had a lot of issues, understandably so. Being in law enforcement on the street almost every day for more than two decades took its toll on everyone. Throw a couple of personal tragedies in it and his refusal to seek professional help to cope with the agony Sara's death had left them in and his choice to disappear in a bottle instead of trying to cope with his family and it left a powder keg ready to blow. One of the last straws for her that had led to her choosing to get a divorce had been the way he had treated both Tommy and Thea after what had happened, and once he had started to choose the bottle over therapy. It hadn't been difficult to see that neither of the two kids had been aware of Sara and Oliver's involvement. And yet, Quentin had insisted on blaming them, claiming they must have known… but even if they had, which Dinah was sure they hadn't, not from the way they both had acted after everything had come out, there hadn't been anything Tommy and especially little Thea could've done to prevent Sara and Oliver from doing what they wanted to. Those two came close to being the most stubborn people she knew, stubborn, headstrong and free-spirited. Once they made up their minds, there was no changing it or stopping them.
She knew she should've stayed. That both Laurel and Quentin had needed her, but she just couldn't handle it anymore. She had lost her baby girl and spent months watching her husband, the man she loved, the father of her babies spiral down and refusing any help she was trying to provide him. She had tried so very hard… but there had just come a point where she had to make a choice. Either let him drag her down with him trying to keep him from drowning in a bottle or saving herself and getting out. She hadn't been strong enough to watch another person she loved throw their life away. She hadn't been strong enough to face the reality of Quentin's increasing recklessness, erratic behavior and alcoholism leading to his death. She hadn't been strong enough to watch her husband slowly kill himself, not after having already lost her youngest daughter.
And she knew her actions hadn't been fair to Laurel. Knew that her first baby would've needed her too. But it had been so hard to face her. To not confess her guilt to her baby. And she just couldn't burden her baby with that, too. It wouldn't have been fair either. But lying to her had been eating away at her. And Laurel had rarely come home from college, anyway. She had planned on leaving Starling as soon as she was done with college. So when a former college classmate of hers had told her about the job opening at Central City University, she had taken a chance and applied for it. Not really expecting to get it. But once she had, it had almost seemed like a sign. A sign for her to move forward. To leave the tragedy and the pain behind or at least try to. Yes, Laurel would've needed her. But she hadn't been strong enough to stay for her almost twenty-four-year-old daughter. Not after the fight she had lost, trying to help Quentin.
Dinah looked up when she realized she was back in front of Laurel's entrance door. She checked her watch to make sure enough time had passed that her daughter's guests had probably left. Once she was sure of that, she rang the doorbell for the second time that day. She considered for a moment to text Sara and ask her how they were doing, but decided against it. Her baby had told her she'd let her know if they needed anything. There was no reason to disturb them. Or add pressure texting her, making her feel obligated to reply. A simple task that could be so very difficult if one was already dealing with a lot emotionally. It didn't take long for Laurel to answer the door and let her in.
They walked into the empty living room and sat on the couch, after getting a cup of coffee each.
"What did you want to talk about, baby?" She sat down on the couch next to her older daughter, looking at her expectantly, breaking the silence.
Quentin
Hearing the mother of his children talk about the rollercoaster ride of emotions, at least Sara had gone through the previous day, was wrecking him. His baby had been happy. She had been happy about becoming a mother. She had put herself in a situation that made her highly uncomfortable to go buy items for her unborn daughter. Whatever Sara and Oliver had used those four days for had led to Sara going out of her way to make sure her daughter would have everything she needed, or whatever Oliver had not yet gotten around to get.
She had been excited to show those to Oliver, to share them with him. Oliver, who had apparently been missing from the moment he had left Laurel's until he had come back home after helping solve the hostage situation that had taken place.
Why hadn't anyone contacted Sara to let her know why Oliver hadn't come home yet? Wasn't that what he had a team for? To help him out with situations while he was in the field and unavailable, being tied up protecting and saving people? Why hadn't Felicity let Sara know? Why hadn't Diggle? Sending a quick text wasn't that difficult and didn't take up that much time. He didn't even want to think about what his baby might have gone through, not knowing where Oliver was and not being able to reach him. She must have been terrified, especially such a short amount of time after she had only just decided to stay and help him raise their baby. There was an enormous difference between deciding to raise a child together and then being faced with the possibility of raising said child all by yourself.
Learning that Di was implying the conversation Oliver and Laurel had had might have been what had triggered his nightmare astounded him. What would make her draw that conclusion? He really needed to talk to her about everything that was going on. Once she had time to air her head and after she had talked to Laurel.
He'd call her later. Maybe they could sit together tomorrow.
Quentin decided to go for a walk around the neighborhood after brunch, excusing himself from Donna and Felicity. He needed some time alone to process everything, and he wasn't in the mood to be around Felicity right now. Not after learning the young woman hadn't felt it necessary to let his pregnant daughter know what was going on with the father of her unborn child. He had seen Donna's daughter do several different things at her computer, phone, and whatever other gadget she had. Similarly, yet she hadn't managed to send one quick text. She could've simply sent her a text saying 'Channel 5'. The hostage situation had been on the news. And the Green Arrow had been featured.
Not that he believed it had been on purpose or out of malice. He just couldn't understand why neither Felicity nor Diggle thought about letting his daughter know. Sara was a part of all of this. Had been for longer than Laurel. Sara was an integral part of Oliver's everyday life. Sara was the person Oliver went home to every night once he retired his hood for the night. It was a fact everyone was aware of. So why hadn't anyone found it necessary to contact her and let her know what was going on?
Sara was the person sitting at home worrying about Oliver, just like Dinah had done every time he was working nights. Sometimes his baby had stayed up with her mom, waiting for him. Running into his arms the moment he stepped through the door. Those were mostly the nights he hadn't been scheduled to work, but they had needed more manpower. Or the nights Sara had caught a glimpse of what was going on, on the news. Sara had always been the one worrying herself sick when it came to the people she cared about. He remembered several nights when Sara had stayed up, unable to fall asleep because she knew Tommy had done something that would get him in trouble with Malcolm, and her friend hadn't texted her in hours. Sometimes she'd be on the landline with Oliver, both of them incapable of falling asleep, not knowing how their friend was doing. Yes, his baby had always worried about the people she cared about. So not knowing what had been going on last night and whether Oliver was alright or not must have been agony, especially given her current situation.
His poor baby.
He let the past few months pass in his mind, trying to make sense of everything that had happened until now. Some things were very easy to figure out, others almost seemed impossible. He was lacking information and context on a lot but also, as he finally realized hours into his wandering, while sitting down in a park, with a playground he used to take Laurel and Sara, especially the latter before she started to attend school every day like her older sister, to when they were younger and he had the day off while Di was working, because to understand the last couple of months, and the changes the last few weeks had brought with them, he needed to go all the way back to the start.
He just wasn't sure where exactly the start was.
Quentin loved both of his daughters more than life itself had from the moment they were born. They were both special to him, both so very different and yet so much alike.
He had worried about them getting hurt or worse. He had been in law enforcement for most of his life and he knew the world could be an evil place and the dangers awaiting his daughters.
Yes, he had always and still worried about both of his daughters. But he had always worried a little more about Sara. His princess, his baby, his little firecracker who hadn't been afraid of anyone or anything, or at least never let that stop her. When he realized the path his little girl had chosen to go on in her teens, it had scared him to death. He had seen the consequences of girls making the same choices his baby was now making could lead to. All he had wanted to do was protect her, by any means necessary. Never realizing all he managed to do by his strict rules and punishments for her actions was to drive her away even more, push her to rebel even more, push the limits as much as she could.
He hadn't wanted to see that his perfect baby girl might not be as perfect and be struggling, and her actions might have been a cry for help. He had rather blamed it on the bad influence by the rather questionable choices in boyfriends she brought home. None of those stuck around for long, but most of them would cross his path again, even if it was just a file on his desk. Sara had always loved to provoke, so he and Dinah had assumed she was provoking them with the juvenile delinquents she was bringing home on the regular, and he was sure it had been part of it.
He just never thought that there might have been more to it than that. Thinking back now, it hadn't been unusual for his baby to bring home the delinquent of the month whenever Laurel came home from college and brought Oliver with her for dinner. The latter had always been rather hostile towards the boyfriend of the month and the dinners usually ended with Sara and Oliver off in the house somewhere, arguing. Just like Oliver had been known to come to blows with several of the guys Sara brought home.
Laurel had spent her first year in college at the dorms, even though she could've stayed home and driven to school every day. She had also rarely come home that first year. It was normal, understandable, really. College was the first time for kids to be away from home and not have to live by the rules their parents had made. It was their first taste of freedom, if you liked.
Quentin wasn't sure if Sara's struggles had also played a part in Laurel's choice to not come home as often as she could've. If maybe being faced with the reality of just how much her baby sister was struggling, how bad her eating disorder had become had been too much for her to handle on top of all the changes that came with being away from home and the multitude of classes she had picked for her course load. Yes, Laurel had never been good with changes. She had always struggled when something didn't work out the way she had planned for it and life wasn't going the way she had wanted it to. She always had a rational plan and path chosen for her life. From the youngest age on, Laurel had always known what she wanted, planned everything to a t and worked hard towards said goal. Whenever things went according to plan, everything was great, but as soon as she had a setback or something didn't work out exactly as she had expected it to, she began to spiral. This was one reason why her involvement with Oliver had surprised him. Yes, Moira and Robert had a clear path planned for their son, the heir to their billion-dollar company. Oliver never really agreed with that one, though. And he was anything but predictable. He could recall several times Laurel would sit at home waiting for Oliver, assuming he was going to stop by just because she had no plans and told him as much, while he had gone wherever someone asked him to go to, never realizing the expectations Laurel had on him. Expectations that were never voiced on her end.
He could understand Laurel's choice. It was easier to stay away than face a loved one in pain. And Sara had been in pain. Seeing her that way had been so very difficult and physically hurt him. And then came the knowledge on top of it. The knowledge that he had failed one of his babies. Yes, Laurel's choice hadn't surprised him. He had sometimes wished she had made a different one, but he understood and didn't judge her for it. Knowing his older daughter, she probably had felt guilty for not noticing too.
What, or better, who had surprised him were Oliver and Tommy.
He remembered the boys stopping by at the clinic so much the entire staff knew them. The former detective suddenly wondered if those visits played into Oliver dropping out of his first college. He must have had a lot of absences. Tommy hadn't been there quiet as often as Oliver. He remembered Malcolm showing up at the clinic once, to drag his son back home.
It was the best clinic in the state. They wouldn't have been able to afford it. But Robert and Moira had insisted on helping. The clinic's owner had been an old school friend of Robert's. This had also been the reason the boys had ended up at the clinic as often as they had, even with the strict rules when it came to outside visitors.
The ringing of his cell phone ripped from his trip down memory lane Quentin. He shook his head to clear it before answering the phone.
Notes:
Again, so sorry for the long wait.
As always let me know what you think.
I am so sorry it has taken me forever to update again. But my sister had to have the birth of her second child induced because of possible complications. Then her older daughter was sick which led to my barely two week old nephew ending up in hospital because of the flu. So I helped out with my niece and there was just a lot going on in the last couple of weeks.
And then I was a little in limbo for a couple of weeks because I was supposed to start school in a week but wasn't sure whether I could or not depending on the regulations our government decides on… so that was very stressful too, not knowing whether my plans would work out or I needed to look for a new path.
I could start school for now and I'm trying to get into a routine with school and work and writing. I'm working it all out now. This story is not abandoned and will not be abandoned. I promise you guys. Just bare with me. While I figure out my new routine and hope this was all my family had to deal with this year...
And when I had muse it was for later chapters and not the current one, sorry! But just a little spoiler ;) We'll have some more Roy in the near future and Alex and Kara will be back too at some point ;) it'll be quite a while until we'll get the Danvers sisters again, but part of those chapters are already written.
Okay, so some personal advice: Please, please, please be very careful if you already have a child in daycare or school when your second one is born. If possible take the little one out of daycare a few weeks before the baby is born and keep it at home until your new baby is around two months old. Daycares have a lot of viruses going around and a simple flu virus can be fatal for a newborn. My not yet three weeks old nephew was in the hospital getting oxygen and having had gastric tube because some of his alveoli were stuck together because of a RS-Virus. So, please, make sure your newborns are not subjected to any type of viruses. Their bodies can't handle it until around the 8th week.
Chapter titel is from the song "Dear Alcohol" by Tom MacDonald.
