Notes:
Yay, I managed to not take forever again for this chapter. I hope you guys like it.
Thank you for everyone who is reading this story, giving me kudos or commenting. It means the world to me and I really appreciate it. You guys are the best!
Chapter 60
We're holding on through all the years all I know is how I feel you know that I will never change I will love you the same
Oliver
Part of him didn't want to leave. The thought of leaving terrified him. There were so many things that could go wrong while he was gone, both here and on the way to wherever Talia's residence was located at. Or even during the meeting with her. He had originally considered seeking her out before he was aware of who she was. He wasn't sure what he was going to have to expect from Ra's al Ghul's older daughter. His relationship, if one would call it that, with Nyssa, was shaky at best. Their team ups had been because of necessity, not because it was something either of them actually wanted to do. He was pretty sure her stance towards him was closer to considering him an ally once again instead of an enemy, especially after he had helped her get the ring back from Malcolm, which was an improvement to before after the choice he had made when he had honored his word to Malcolm and handed the League over to him. He had no illusions when it came to the assassin, though, and her stance towards him. It could shift as easily as the wind. His and Sara's new relationship status would probably do little to improve that and do more harm to their status as allies than strengthen it.
Nyssa's love towards the Canary was something which had always been a sore subject between Sara and him, and his opinion on the matter had led to more than one argument whenever he had decided to share it with her. Yes, as far as he was concerned Nyssa's love towards Sara was problematic at best, and he really needed to stretch his definition of love to call the assassins feeling towards his wife that, and extremely toxic to the point of obsession at worst, something Sara liked to deny, or at the very least defend her former girlfriend's less than stellar choices bringing up the way she was raised and where she was raised as an excuse for her behavior when he brought the matter up. He understood where Sara was coming from but still… that wasn't love, at least not in his book and he could easily see how it was less traumatic for her to call it love on both sides and leave it at that then admit the truth and the implications that went along with that admission. And he knew that Sara cared for Nyssa. There had never been a question about that, but it wasn't like she had been given much of a choice in the matter… but that wasn't the issue right now, at least not yet.
Given Nyssa's regular displeasure with him and his choices, he wasn't sure what he had to expect from Talia, who according to Sara had always had her father's respect, even when they were disagreeing on some fundamental issues, something Nyssa clearly didn't have. How would Talia react to seeing him again, after he had killed her father? And he had no doubt she had learnt about that. Talia made it her business to know what was going on in the world. He would've never ended up on her radar during his time in Russia otherwise. Even less piqued her interest to the point of her deciding to make him her student. He doubted Talia would be happy to see him and it wouldn't surprise him if he had gained one more mentor turned enemy after his choice of killing Ra's al Ghul.
Yes, there were a lot of risks involved with him seeking her out for answers she may not even have and if she did, might refuse to share with him. But if she had and decided to share those answers with him, it could be crucial for defeating Prometheus and they needed everything they could get. His foe was constantly at least three steps ahead of them and he was tired of playing catch up and having the disadvantage. He hated to be in that position. He had spent too much time at a disadvantage during his years away from home. It had taken a lot of hard work for him to no longer be in that position. It had been one of the reasons he had spent so much time on researching and learning everything he could about his targets. Back when he was focusing on his father's list. Knowledge was power. And right now, he had none. He knew nothing about Prometheus, yet his enemy seemed to know a whole lot about him. What scared him most was that he wasn't sure just how much Prometheus knew exactly. Did he know about Sara? About Mila? He seemed to be someone who had the same approach to a target as him, which meant, yes, Prometheus knew about his wife and daughter. Which meant he would know the minute he left and Sara would be vulnerable. Oliver just hoped Prometheus knew little to nothing about Roy and that this was going to be the first advantage they'd have. With Roy in Star they at least had the option of taking Sara on the Waverider for safety should Prometheus really decide to go after her during his absence. It was the one place Oliver was almost certain his enemy wouldn't be able to reach her.
He looked up from watching Sara slowly but surely drifting off in his arms when the sound of the door closing ripped him from his thoughts and he was on high alert right away. The thoughts he had been occupied with did little to stifle his fight-or-flight instincts and he turned towards the entrance to the roof terrace, ready to change his and Sara's position to shield her from potential harm, if need be. His body relaxed the moment his eyes landed on the origin of the noise that had startled him.
"Hey Speedy!" Sara flinched in his arms at his unexpected call to stop his baby sister from leaving as suddenly as she had showed up. He kissed her temple in apology while Thea stopped and turned back around to face them.
"Ollie, hey." She reluctantly turned around all the way, looking sheepish. There was a part of him that wanted to rush towards her. Something was bothering his baby sister, and all he wanted to do was make her feel better. That was all he had ever wanted to do. But rushing to Speedy meant moving Sara, Sara who had stirred when he had called out to his sister but seemed to be back to drifting off, he was pretty sure Sara hadn't slept as much as she has been in the last few months in years. It was a good thing. Especially since she had been having fewer nightmares lately and mostly slept through the night fitfully. Anything Mila related that kept her or woke her up aside. Something he was very grateful for. She deserved the peace that normally came with sleep. Not the horrors they both faced within the confines of their own minds once they closed their eyes and released the hold they had on their thoughts to give control over to their subconsciousness. He kissed her temple again and took one of his hands away from her stomach, to signal Thea to come join them when he realized she has yet to move from her spot by the door.
This led to Speedy looking less hesitant and crossing the distance between them. She sat down on the coffee table in front of the couch he and Sara were lying on, watching them silently.
"I'm sorry if we had plans, and I forgot. There's been…" he began when his sister made no move to start a conversation. He wasn't sure… had he forgotten plans he had made with Thea? As far as he could remember, the plans they had made were for later that week, but maybe he had forgotten something, given everything that had happened. It wouldn't surprise him if he had. Thea never showed up unannounced, so they must have, right? Not that she couldn't just show up when she felt like it. His door was and would always be open for her, and there was always a place for her in his life and his home. No matter where that was and who it was with. It was why he had given her a key. His home was her home. Nothing and no one was ever going to change that. He had thought he had made that clear to her when he had given her the key, but he was no longer sure about that. She had looked sheepish, unsure, as if she didn't know whether or not she should be here.
Whether it was okay for her to be here.
He hesitated for a moment, unsure how to proceed, what to tell her. His eyes strayed from Speedy to Sara when he felt her interlocking her fingers with the hand he had moved away from its place right above Mila. It looked like she wasn't asleep after all, just deep in thought, just like he had been, which wasn't that surprising given the lengthy nap both of them had taken after their conversation about Tommy, everything that was going on and the plans they had made on how to proceed with Prometheus. She seemed to purposely appear as though she was asleep now though, probably to ease some of his sister's uneasiness, uncertainty and make sure Thea was focused on him. Taking his hand was the only sign she gave to let him know she wasn't actually asleep. He squeezed her hand in a silent thank you and focused back on Thea.
"Last night was rough. I… there's been a lot I needed to…" He wasn't sure how to do this. He wanted to tell her, he wanted to let her in. Just like she had asked him to so many years ago, just like she still wanted him to. He needed her to know that he trusted her. That it had nothing to do with that. But letting her in, showing her a side of himself, showing her this very vulnerable side of him, a side he only ever let Sara see on purpose, was so very difficult. Because yes, being vulnerable around people was always difficult, especially for him, but that was not it, or not just it. Speedy was his baby sister. He had spent her entire life looking out for her, trying to protect her. He was her older brother. He should be the one shouldering her struggles, taking care of her, not the other way around. He didn't want to burden her with his issues, didn't want to worry her. He wanted to protect her from the horrors he had faced. The horrors he was still facing almost every single night as soon as he closed his eyes. It had been better, though. Ever since Sara shared his bed again, the nightmares had been less frequent, or at least less intense. Except for last night.
"Ollie, you don't have to... it's alright. I'm not here to make you tell me what happened. I was just... when Dinah showed up and told us Sara had asked her to stay with us first, I was worried. So, I just... I needed to make sure you're okay. I'm sorry for just dropping in, but neither of you were answering the door or your phones. I didn't mean to intrude." He appreciated the out Thea was offering him, the understanding that came with it, and he felt horrible when she started to justify her actions. It had never been his intentions to make her feel unwelcome in his home. To make her feel like a stranger that needed to schedule a visit with them. And he knew that had never been his wife's intention, either. Thea was a part of their family. Period. Nothing was ever going to change that. Their home was her home. And that meant that she was always welcome here.
Just like Sin.
Sin, who had no issues with just showing up unannounced whenever she felt like it. Sin, who felt very at home at their place and crashed here regularly. Sin, whose favorite food items he now knew and bought without as much as a second thought. Sin, who came by regularly to spend time with Sara, which had turned into spending time with Sara and him. Sin, who was someone he had learnt to appreciate even more than he already had, now that he had gotten around to knowing her a lot better. Sin, who had played a huge part in Sara changing her mind and staying. At least according to his wife, he'd be forever indebted to the young woman for that. She was good for Sara and she was great company and a lot of fun. It was no wonder Sara had taken to her right away. He just felt terrible now that his little sister hadn't felt as welcome and at home at his place as Sara's adopted little sister. It was something he needed to rectify.
"Thea, hey look at me, Speedy. You are never intruding and always welcome here. Of course, you can drop in whenever you feel like it. I am so sorry if we gave you the impression that you can't. Sara didn't mean... Sara was just trying to protect me. She has a tendency to do that. It was never her intention to make you feel unwelcome or for you to think you couldn't check in with me. She means well, she just..." he stopped when the woman in question went from quietly lying on his chest, and facing away from him, to propping herself up with a fluidity and grace that caught him by surprise regularly given her advanced stage of pregnancy and looking straight at him, with raised eyebrows, daring him to finish that sentence. He looked from the challenging stare of his wife back to his sister, who looked rather amused by the predicament he found himself in and made no move to interfere.
Of course, Speedy would think this was funny.
"She means well, she just what, Ollie? How were you planning on finishing that sentence?" Sara looked questioningly at him. He could hear his sister snicker in the background. Yep, she was going to be no help to him at all. Which was no surprise.
"She just tends to be a little overprotective." He finished, pursing his lips and looking at her pointedly, trying to ignore Thea coughing to hide her laughter across from them.
"Like you're one to talk." Sara rolled her eyes at him but turned back around, confirming what he had expected all along. She didn't really care and wasn't offended by what he had said. Not that she'd have any reason to be. He was only stating the truth. She had simply used it as a way to lighten the mood a little, which admittedly had gotten very heavy. God, he loved her. So very much.
His sister was still trying to pull herself together and not laugh at him.
Sara pushed herself off of his chest and managed to do so with only a little help on his side and sat up. He shifted his body so that she had more space to sit comfortably. Once she got settled, she turned towards Thea and took one of his sister's hands in both of hers.
"I am so very sorry, Thea. Ollie's right. I never meant to make you feel like you couldn't come by. Our door is, of course, always open for you and there is no need to make an appointment. Ollie is your family, not an insurance company. Our home is your home. Always. Nothing is ever going to change that. I just needed Ollie to…. I sent mom away because… mom's family and I know she loves and adores Ollie and we both know Ollie is a sucker for like everyone's mom and I know how much mom means to him but still she's not…" He wasn't sure whether he should be offended by her words or not. He wasn't a sucker for everyone's moms. And he didn't see how respecting mother's was anything bad. Yes, he loved Dinah like an aunt. He had grown up with her in his life. It was only normal. And yes, he was very fond of Donna, but who wasn't? She was a breath of fresh air, a lot of fun and such a kindhearted woman. So, he was a little offended by the way Sara had put it. Even if she hadn't meant it the way it had sounded. She didn't leave him too much time to focus on it though because her next words registered in his mind and he went from being slightly annoyed at his wife to feeling very touched about her concern and consideration about just what he needed.
"I needed Ollie to be able to just be himself in his own home and not feel like he needed to pretend. That is why I asked mom to leave for a few days. I just needed to make sure Ollie could be himself and express his feelings. I'm sorry my decision made you feel like you couldn't check in on him, Speedy. That was never my intention." Speedy had sobered the moment Sara spoke and listened to the older woman intently. It didn't take him long to realize that this was the beginning of a long overdue conversation between the two most important women in his life and the main reason Sara had interrupted his talk with Speedy. He almost felt like his wife was aware of something he wasn't and felt it important to address it right away. She had always been better at reading situations and people than him. He had no trouble to lay back and stay in the background while letting the two handle and talk about whatever it was Sara felt they needed to set straight. He could always talk to Speedy later and make sure she understood just how important she was to him and that nothing was ever going to change that. And how he had never intended to make her feel the way she apparently did.
"That's alright, Sara. I know you're just trying to look out for Ollie. And I know you're someone he trusts, and you only have his best interest at heart and that you are taking care of him as much as you can… I just feel…" And he suddenly had a realization concerning his sister. Probably the same one Sara had had shortly before she had interrupted him. He knew he had slightly neglected Thea during the last couple of months, but he had been trying to reconnect and do right by her and spent more time with her lately. But watching her now with Sara, after her words, made him realize that Thea not only had felt neglected, but probably also replaced. Not as his sister, of course, no one would ever come to such a crazy conclusion as to assume he looked at Sara as a sister, but as the person he talked to confided in. He and Thea had spent a lot of time together during his campaign and they had gotten close, closer than they had been in years, almost. He had relied on her for a lot of things. Things Sara was taking care of now. Thea must have felt as if she was no longer needed. She couldn't have been more wrong. He would always need her. No matter what. His words were as true today as they had been two years ago, if they weren't together they weren't really alive, and he was aware of the fact that he had been the one leaving her the last two times they had ended up separated for long periods of time.
Nevertheless, there was nothing he wouldn't do for her. Nothing had changed there. He'd do whatever it would take to protect her, just like he had done when the bloodlust had nearly killed her less than a year ago.
"And I know how difficult it is for you to be around me… so I don't want you to feel uncomfortable in your own home… so I… I… there's enough you're already dealing with, I didn't… I don't want to add to that." He felt like Thea had purposely changed the subject and there was more that she had wanted to say concerning him and Sara, but decided against. He wondered whether Sara had noticed too, and if she was going to let it slide for now or address it.
The hand Sara had placed on his thigh right after she apologized to Thea, so that she was now only holding the brunette's hand with one of her own, instead of both of them, felt heavier after his sister's words. And this was the main issue between the two of them and why they had yet to have this conversation, and there might have been some misconceptions and misunderstandings because of their lack of conversation.
Sara had been doing better in Thea's presence, but she was still struggling immensely, even if she had gotten a lot better at hiding it. But he knew, he could always tell when she was struggling and just how much self-control it took her. And being around Thea took about as much as she could muster. Oliver placed one of his hands atop of hers, sitting up himself, making sure his legs were on either side of her and he was in a position to hold on to her or for her to retreat into him if need be. He once again placed his other hand right atop his daughter's current home, just in time to feel her kick it and letting him know she was awake. He looked down at his hand and couldn't help but grin. Yes, he couldn't wait to meet her in person, to hold her. His little acrobat. Who seemed to have inherited her mom's talented legs. Sara used to be one hell of a soccer player before she started to use those well-trained legs to take out bad guys.
"Thea…" the blonde in his arms began, only to stop again, struggling to find the words for what she wanted to say to his sister. He could relate. Neither he nor Sara were particularly good when it came to putting their feelings into words. She took a deep breath to sort out her thoughts before trying again.
"Look, Speedy, I'm not gonna lie to you. I respect you too much for that and it wouldn't solve anything or help the current situation. And lying in order to make someone feel better or keep them from getting hurt never works. As we all know, for obvious reasons…" Sara cut herself off again after that, probably recalling the damage they had done in the name of protecting Laurel from getting hurt, just as he was.
"Well, since lying is in the same book as keeping secrets as far as I'm concerned, and I hate nothing more than secrets, I appreciate that." His sister's words reminded him of another time she had pointed that out to him... and their mom.
"... you think you're protecting me by lying and by keeping secrets but that's what's actually hurting me."
He looked from Speedy to Sara again, and further down to their interlocked hands. He couldn't keep this secret from his sister, not knowing exactly how she felt about secrets. But on the other hand had both of them decided to keep their marital status to themselves for now. But then again, they had told Walter, and he was sure Sara wouldn't force him to keep this from Thea if he told her he wanted to tell his sister about it. And he did want to tell her… just not yet. He wanted Thea to be the first person he told, but he wasn't ready to tell her yet. He wasn't ready to let the world know about yet another very private moment between Sara and him and have them probably make it about themselves and turn it into something negative… even if only by making them feel bad for not inviting anyone to their wedding and not making a big deal out of it. No, he wasn't ready for that yet.
"But really, you don't have to, Sara. There's really nothing you can say that I don't already know, okay. I know what it's like to live with bloodlust. I know what you feel every day and I know it's all my fault, so this is okay. It's like my punishment." He closed his eyes in pain when he heard the anguish and self-loathing in his baby sister's voice. God, this hurt. Hearing her like this was ripping his heart to shreds. He reached past Sara and took hold of his sister's other hand, trying to provide her with some sort of comfort. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to do right now, let go of Sara and go sit next to Thea, or stay where he was to make sure Sara was going to be okay in his sister's presence for the duration of their talk. His eyes shifted between the two women in front of him. Trying to figure out what he should do. It was when Speedy squeezed his hand tightly and gave him a watery smile, while nodding at him, that he relaxed a little, knowing that she understood what he was doing and why he was doing it.
"Speedy, no. There is nothing you need to get punished for. You did nothing wrong. What happened wasn't your fault. It was Malcolm's. You are a good, pure person and nothing Malcolm made you do has changed anything about that. I don't blame you for what happened. Neither does Ollie. So, there is no reason for you to blame yourself." Oliver squeezed Thea's hand to support Sara's words. He doesn't blame Thea for what had happened. He never had, and he never will. Her choices were understandable given the situation and circumstances she had been in, and neither he nor Sara had any right to judge anyone for their choices. They've made plenty of bad ones in their lives.
"Look Thea, yes, being around you is not just hard, it's excruciating. And there is nothing either of us can do to change that. But that is no reason for you to not come by and spend time with Ollie and me. There is plenty of space in the apartment and there is a lot I can do all by myself if I get overwhelmed by your presence. Believe it or not, but Ollie and I don't usually spend 24 hours attached to each other. I do occasionally get sick of his overbearing presence and enjoy some solitude." It was very easy for him to detect the humor and payback for his earlier comment concerning her overprotectiveness in the last line of her explanation. But she wasn't wrong with what she said. They didn't spend every second of every day with each other, far from it, actually. And there was the possibility that he could be a tad overbearing sometimes, maybe. But only because he loved her so much and worried about her and Mila.
He knew exactly what Sara had been referencing and talking about. Sara had been in a similar situation with Ivo as Thea had been with Malcolm. Both had ended up brainwashed to some degree, and both had been forced to do things they didn't want to. Things they would've never done had they had a choice. Thea had been under the influence of drugs, and Sara had been trapped on a boat full of men who had been more than willing to force themselves on her should she not comply. Doing what Ivo told her to, everything Ivo had insisted she do, had been the only chance she's had. Staying on Ivo's good side, pleasing him, had been her only chance at survival on the Amazo. And she was still blaming herself for it to this day. She had done what she had needed to in order to survive. He wished she'd see the parallels and recognize how true the words she had spoken were and also how much they applied to her and the choices she had made under duress.
Sara and Thea needed to find a new normal. Their situation probably wasn't going to change… and Sara was right. There was nothing they could do about that. Thea had been a part of two decisions that had led to the situation they were now in. Blaming or not blaming her for those had nothing to do with it. Those were just facts. And the two most important women in his life were suffering the consequences now. Sara more so than Thea. It was once again a cruel twist that they were both suffering the same "illness" and yet, couldn't even spent time together and share their pain with each other because of exactly that or in Thea's case had been suffering was more accurate, thanks to the cure Nyssa had provided them with. Despite that, Thea was the only person who actually knew and understood exactly just what Sara was going through. She was the one person who might be able to help Sara simply by listening to her and sharing her experiences with the bloodlust.
It also hadn't escaped his notice that his wife's and his sister's lives and actions once again mirrored each other.
Sara had had an enormous influence on Thea growing up and he could easily recall a time Thea idolized and almost worshipped her baby sitter. Yes, Speedy had looked up to Sara when they were younger, more than that even. She had wanted to be Sara. He had no trouble recalling just how excited Thea would always get when she was told that Sara was going to come by, especially when she came as Thea's baby sitter. Sara had always taken that responsibility extremely serious and her focus had been on his baby sister, no matter how much he sometimes had tried to distract her from the preteen, it never worked, not until Thea had been asleep for sure or his parents returned home for the night. Sara actually enjoying spending time with his baby sister had played a huge part in that.
"You're right Sara, nothing's going to change that… except… maybe… Ollie, what about the thing you gave me last year? The potion or whatever that helped me with my bloodlust, that saved my life? Can't we get some of it for Sara? I mean, it should help her too, right?" He looked at his sister, both in awe and worry. Yes, the thought might have crossed his mind too, once or twice. The problem was, he wasn't sure if he could get more. Tatsu was no longer in control of guarding it, not after she had handed it over to Nyssa. The Crescent Order had relieved her from that responsibility and given it to someone else. Then there was the possibility that Nyssa had kept some, which knowing Nyssa was probable. The problem about this route was that Nyssa would've to be involved one way or another and he would really like to keep the former assassin as far away from Sara and Mila as possible, not knowing what her reaction to Sara's pregnancy would be. Nyssa was unpredictable in general, but especially where Sara was concerned. He refused to put his wife or daughter in danger because of the possible erratic, if not psychopathic, behavior of her ex-girlfriend, should she learn about their relationship and Sara's pregnancy.
Besides, there was no knowing what the Lotus might do to her, what side effects there might be, given Sara's special situation. Even if they waited until Mila was born to give it to her, there might still be issues that came with it they weren't aware of or were undocumented so far. Even though Tatsu had explained how it worked exactly and what it was doing to a human body, knowing the effects it had on a normal body was no guarantee. Yes, he had trusted her and the cure had worked perfectly for Thea, but that was no guarantee. Not when it came to Sara. Sara wasn't Thea. Sara's situation wasn't the same as Thea's. And he was not willing to take that gamble. Not that it was his choice. It was his Pretty Bird's, and he'd support whatever she decided to do.
Notes:
I hope you guys liked it. As always let me know what you think.
I was asked for more Queen sibling interaction, so here we are.
And yes I'm very aware of the fact that Sara is sleeping a lot in this fic… but in my defense the woman is pregnant and dealing with a lot of emotional stuff, both things that tend to lead to exhaustion. And yes, I am a sucker for her falling asleep in Oliver's arms… sue me!
I'm aware of the fact that there might be several people disagreeing with my Nyssa segments, but remember this is Oliver's POV... and I love Nyssa as a character... but I do have some issues with her and Sara's relationship. And everyone claiming it wasn't problematic at all needs to reconsider whether Nyssa being a man would change the way they looked at it. That's the same as with the Oliver/Felicity issues... would people celebrate Oliver if he treated Felicity the way she did him? And this just turned into an unplanned rant, sorry! I have issues with emotionally abusive relationships and the way TV is portraying them as "perfect" and "relationship goals"...
Here's an Arrow rant because it has been forever since the last one lmao!
God, I hate the route Arrow took. I rewatched some of the Season 4 Episodes for research and why did they have to throw Felicity in every storyline especially the ones she ended up taking away from. Like in "Unchained" and "Sins of the Father". It should've solely focused on Oliver, Thea, Malcolm and Nyssa and Roy in Unchained. If they wanted to do it right, they would've thrown Sara in and had her talk to Nyssa instead of Laurel... that would've made a lot more sense... but whatever.
Chapter titel is from the song "All My Life" by WILD.
