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Chapter 66
You found me here when I was lost and looking down and turned it all around with your light that could break through the dark with a single spark
Sara
She honestly didn't know where her sudden insecurity concerning Mila's little toy bird came from. Even less, given the fact that she had bought it because she knew Ollie would get a kick out of and love it. She knew she was being silly, especially since she could read her husband like an open book and the look on his face told her everything she needed to know. He did love it, he was touched by the gesture and her buying it for him, just as much as she did their daughter. The emotions were written all over his face and she could clearly make out the mist coating his eyes, an obvious sign of just how much the little toy meant to him.
Yes, she had chosen perfectly.
So why was she doubting herself? She couldn't understand it, and it bothered her.
"Yes, absolutely. Thank you. I love it." His arms provided her the comfort she had subconsciously yearned for and helped more than his words to convince her of what she had already known from that very first moment she had spotted the little bird.
She grinned into his chest when he teased her about the song. Yes, he was right, and she would've preferred Tchaikovsky, but Mozart was fine. There was a reason he was still one of the greatest composers of all times.
Ollie preferred Vivaldi over Tchaikovsky for some crazy reason, but whatever… maybe they could switch the song it played from time to time. Several of their preferred composers had a lullaby, and they would probably tire of hearing the same one day in and day out for years… they'd figure it out once they tired of Mozart, there was no reason to look into it yet, Mila wasn't even born, they had plenty of time to figure out how the toy works.
Yeah, they had never gotten around to look at everything she had bought. She had almost forgotten all about it. Crazy; she had been so excited to show the spoils of her shopping trip to him. Was it really only two days ago? It felt like weeks. She only now remembered that there was still stuff in the car. Ollie's insistence on getting everything out and up before leaving was silly. Roy could do it. But she saw how important it was to him and how bad he felt about them not going through everything.
"No, it's not that much and shouldn't take very long. We just left the heavy stuff in the car. Mom brought up the rest. Have you called Speedy yet? If not, can you invite her over for dinner tomorrow? Roy and I thought it might be nice having her here with us." It honestly wasn't a big deal, sure she had been excited to show him, to get his reactions to everything she had gotten their baby girl, but they could do it when he was back, his reaction towards the items would still be the same as it would've been two days ago. It was just stuff, and it wasn't going to go anywhere. His feelings and focusing on them had been so much more important than a stroller, some baby stuff and tiny clothes. She let the subject drop. It wasn't important enough to start an argument. If he wanted to get the stuff, he should get it, otherwise he could just leave it in the car and she'd get Roy to unload everything. It didn't matter to her either way.
She could easily detect the slight worry and disapproval that replaced the initial amusement on Ollie's face, at the way she had worded her explanation, when she mentioned Roy and Thea just needing a little nudge. She understood where he was coming from. There had been too many people in his life nudging him towards whoever they thought he should be with, with little to no consideration to his feelings or the effects the constant pushing would have on him. But she meant what she said, just a little nudge, which to her was having them in the same room for an evening. That was all. She wouldn't get involved. She might talk about it with either or both of them if they brought it up, but she wasn't going to force her opinion on them.
She was also very aware of the simple fact and hard truth that the main reason Roy and Thea were not back together was because of the sacrifice Roy had brought for Ollie, something she would be forever grateful for, but neither Roy nor Speedy should have to suffer even more than they already had because of that.
Aside from that, her reason behind it was also pretty selfish. She had always enjoyed the two of them together, back when they were an item. They were a lot of fun and she could seriously use a lot of fun as a distraction while Ollie was gone, to at least push her worries about him to the back of her mind. She knew she would drive herself crazy with worry otherwise, her mind painting vivid pictures of everything that could go wrong on his trip, no, that was not something she wanted to happen, knowing there would be no escaping it at night while she'd be lying in their bed, alone, well without him, Mila had kicked her as if to point out the fact that she was never truly alone at the moment, she softly rubbed her hand on the spot of her stomach, where her daughter's foot was currently still pushing up against, to let her know that, no, she hadn't forgotten about her, grinning, before focusing back on packing the bag for her little imp's daddy. Yes, their daughter most certainly knew how to make sure she wasn't being forgotten by her parents and how to demand their attention. They were so screwed and going to have their hands full with their little one; she was sure of that.
Ollie and she had somehow managed to find their way back to each other and actually figure shit out. If they had managed to do that, Speedy and Roy should definitely be able to find a way to be together again, time travel or not. All they needed was a chance to sit down and talk about it. It was a space and time issue and honestly, there was no real reason Thea couldn't join Roy on the Waverider, since Roy couldn't just come back home right now, not that she was going to be the one bringing that up, not to the former couple and most definitely not to her husband, she had an inkling that he wouldn't be too happy about that idea. He enjoyed having his sister close. He would miss her terribly, her big softy.
She glanced back at him over her shoulder at that thought. Yeah, Ollie needed Thea, probably more than Thea did Ollie. She guessed it was something the brunette wasn't even aware of. Even though it was plain to see, at least for her. Speedy had been Ollie's entire world for so long… she had been the center of his universe from the moment she had been born. He had adored her and still did. If there was one person on the planet who had managed to get Ollie to change his evening plans from going out and getting shitfaced and laid, to staying in and watching fucking 'Oliver and Company' for the thousands time, it was Speedy. Ollie had hated that movie, well, more like the jokes Tommy and she used to make at his expense because of the movie. But Thea had loved it for the same reason Ollie had hated it. The movie was about a cute kitten named Oliver, so of course, Speedy had fallen in love with it the first time she had seen it.
This was definitely going on the list of movies to watch at their next movie night. Yep, Thea and she were going to have a lot of fun with Ollie at this one. She couldn't wait to introduce Mila to that movie, once she was old enough to watch movies, which would not be for years, but still, something to look forward to.
Fuck, she wanted this so much, more than she had ever wanted anything in her life.
Movie nights with Ollie and their daughter, them giving the only man in their little family shit and teasing him… she could just picture it, picture Ollie pretending to be offended, their little girl laughing at his theatrics and their antics. Yes, there was nothing she had ever wanted more. Sara couldn't remember the last time she had looked forward to having a future, and now, now, she was excited about it. Yes, she couldn't wait to create more memories with Ollie and share everything with him, watching their daughter grow up together.
She reined her thoughts in to focus back on the here and now, the conversation with the object of her contemplations and the task at hand.
There had literally been nothing Ollie wouldn't have done for Thea, and that hadn't changed at all in the years since then.
She knew some things would probably change once Mila was born, but never how much his sister meant to him and last night had been the first step to make sure Thea knew that too. Knew her place in Ollie's life was solid, that it would always be there, no matter what. Their marriage and their daughter weren't going to change that. Neither would Thea's decision to join Roy on the Waverider, should she choose to do so. She just wanted Thea and Roy to be happy. They deserved it and she knew how difficult it was to not be with the person you love and who loves you in return because of circumstances and nothing but. It was the main issue Ollie and she had faced during the last twelve years of their lives. First, Laurel and everything that came with it, then Slade and the fallout of that, then the League, her death and resurrection. It had never been about the way they felt for the other. There had never been a doubt in her mind about Ollie's feelings for her, at least not since that very first time he had asked her to come travel with him.
Just the two of them.
Which in Ollie-speech had been him asking her to run away with him. They had been young, and drunk and high and he had just been coming down from his latest bender, but he had sounded and looked so sincere. In that moment, even if only for a couple of hours, he had been willing to risk it all for her, for them, to throw everything away. Of course, morning had come, with that sobriety and reality had set back in and their conversation about seeing the world together had been pushed aside. It had been months before he had brought it up again. Eventually, he had brought it up more frequently, almost as if he were seriously planning that trip for them, working towards it.
She, to this day, didn't know whether he had actually made serious plans for them or not. And she wasn't going to ask him, unsure whether she really wanted to know the answer.
The Gambit thing had been a spur-of-the-moment decision on his part, just like begging her to join him. That trip had not been planned. They had talked about starting their trip in Africa and then going around the world, ending their journey with a road trip across the country back home. China had never really been a fixed destination in their plans, more like a possibility, unlike other places. Not that it mattered anymore. The choices they had made had led them here and for the first time in years she was really glad, because she had Ollie and they had Mila and that was all that really mattered.
They were together. Finally.
Unlike Thea and Roy, because of Roy's choice to take the fall for Ollie, everyone at least was in agreement on that, which meant Roy was officially dead. And he had 'died' in such a public way that he couldn't just show up alive again. There had to be something they could do about that. If Roy wanted to come back home instead of staying with the Legends, it had to be his choice. And he had really grown into his new role as a leader and it was suiting him. So he might not want to come back. She should talk to Laurel about it, just in case. Not that she had all the facts, there was still a lot she didn't know about the year she had been dead and the things that had happened in her absence. All she knew was what her dad, Laurel, Roy and Thea had told her, and she had a feeling that they had left out a lot.
Ollie still hadn't really talked about it. She had brought it up once, while they'd been travelling, and not since. His entire demeanor had made it unmistakably clear to her it was not something he was ready to talk about. Which was alright with her, she could understand, she didn't even want to imagine how difficult it must be for him to talk about her death and the events that had followed it, just trying to put herself in his shoes, and imagining finding his broken, bleeding and dead body in her home brought unbearable anguish with it, made her sick to her stomach and pushed her towards a serious panic attack. Yes, she could easily understand why he refused to talk about this traumatic experience. Talking about Moira and her death was something he was still struggling with, too, just like Tommy's, even Roberts. It took time, and she was willing to give him as much as he needed. They would take it one gaping wound at a time.
He had brought up a handful of events now and then, like how he and Felicity had ended up together and the struggles they had faced, Laurel becoming Black Canary and his choice which led to Diggle no longer trusting him the way he used to, and him eventually killing Ra's al Ghul, but she was still missing most of the context. She knew there was more to Roy taking the fall for Ollie than anyone had shared with her. And she wasn't sure why and what they were keeping from her.
Things between Ollie and her dad had been a lot better by the time she had left for Nanda Parbat than they had been before her officially coming home. He had even accepted Ollie as an integral part of her every day and love life. Now they seemed to be back at the point they had been when she had first come back home, and she was lacking the information to understand why. No one had told her what had been going on between the two most important men in her life. And she understood her dad having had some issues with Ollie initially, given the situation they had been in when they had come back from Africa. But she was pretty sure there was a lot more to it than that and it had little to nothing to do with Mila and their current situation.
They were more civil now, had been shortly after Ollie had decided to keep Mila, it almost seemed like they had come to an agreement somehow, but there was still underlying tension there whenever they were in the same room and she just didn't know why and what she could do to solve whatever issue they still had with each other.
Or her dad with Ollie, more likely.
Her husband had always looked up to her dad and had had nothing but the outmost respect for him, even back when they were both out of control and he came down hard on them whenever he caught them doing some stupid shit. And Ollie was also quick to forgive whatever act might have been performed against him. It was one of Ollie's best and worst qualities. He would always take the blame, even when he was one hundred percent in the right and the other person in the wrong. He could always find a way to turn the situation around as much as necessary to somehow find a reason to make it his fault and not the other parties. It was infuriating. It was also why she had a suspicion Ollie had been the one who had waved the white flag and done whatever he had to, to diffuse the situation and make sure Mila would at least have one grandfather in her life, given both of his parents were deceased.
The thing she knew for a fact was that something must have happened between them and she was pretty sure Ollie at least partially refused to talk to her about it as to not paint her dad in a negative light and build tension between them. Which was bullshit. She knew her dad was anything but perfect and the issues between him and Ollie, which were mostly fabricated in her dad's mind so that he could blame someone else but her and possibly himself for her own actions and choices. Also, knowing there was tension between them was automatically leading to tension between her and her dad, anyway. Maybe she could talk to her dad while Ollie was gone and get to the bottom of the issue. She knew Ollie didn't want to talk about it and the last thing she was going to do was force him to talk when he wasn't comfortable doing so. She usually wasn't comfortable prying into other people's private life or business without their consent, and especially not Ollie's, but she needed to know what was going on.
Her parents had insisted she clear the air with Laurel. So, it was time for her dad to do the same with Ollie. He was her husband, the father of her dad's first grandchild and no matter how much she loved her dad, she refused to let anyone near her daughter who might give the little girl the impression her daddy was a bad person or someone she shouldn't look up to and be proud to call her dad. Ollie and she had agreed, no negativity around their baby girl and they had meant it and she didn't give a shit if that meant keeping her own family away from her. She refused to let anyone near their daughter who might poison her against her father, even if only subconsciously. Mila was the light of Ollie's life, and there was nothing and no one who was going to take that away from him, not for as long as she was alive. He had hit rock bottom; he had been in such a dark place it had scared her. Mila had given him the strength to pull himself back up, to see the light and walk towards it, and she knew she understood how difficult it was to do that. To believe there was a light at the end of the tunnel, that it wasn't just an oncoming train that was going to run you over the minute you started to walk towards it and reach out. Mila was that light, the sun shining so bright, her rays could reach into the darkest parts of the tunnel they had been trapped in for years, guiding them towards the end of the dark hole and out into the brightness of hope and the possibility of happiness, a new day, a brighter future. There was no way she was ever going to let anyone take their tiny little miracle from Ollie.
She had noticed his still empty bag on top of the drawer and began packing his bag for him. It helped her relax, be more at ease with his leaving, knowing exactly what he had with him. Clothes and weapons. He was leaving with a private plane, from a private airport, so security would be lax, if there was even going to be any. The plane belonged to an old friend of his family.
Sara was well aware of her husband's insistence of not getting cold, which was true to a certain degree, it took a lot for him to be cold, but she was sure even he would fucking freeze to death by the temperatures in Winter in the Tibetan mountains if he weren't properly dressed for the weather. Which was the reason for her throwing in some woolen socks and sweaters, knowing full well he wouldn't have packed those and that the temperatures could get as cold as minus four degrees Fahrenheit, depending on the region. Wool naturally regulated a human's body temperature, which meant he wouldn't sweat unnecessarily and dampen his clothes just for them to then freeze on his body when the temperatures suddenly dropped. This made it the smart choice to wear in those temperatures. Tibet wasn't his old stomping grounds. It was hers and she knew the dangers of sudden snowstorms or temperature drops. And she knew just how deceiving the weather and winds could be on the Tibetan mountains. She also knew Ollie well enough to know he was going to wear the clothes, if she packed them, especially if she didn't pack any other choices.
He could be such a guy sometimes.
Telling him that Sin was going to come over and hang seemed to finally put him enough at ease to tease her about her assurance she would make sure Thea wasn't going to end up pregnant, which, honestly, was fair. Giving birth control advice while being seven months pregnant because of a birth control malfunction might not be the best position to be in but she could just simply tell Thea about all the rather awkward and less than fun side effects of pregnancy, she was sure that would steer the younger woman clear for at least a couple more years. She knows it would've her back when she was Thea's age. Well, before Lian Yu and the League. Having a child in her early twenties had not been something she would've been ready for.
She was just about to reply when Mila suddenly jerked inside of her. This was new. This wasn't anything she had done before. Sara stopped in her tracks, waiting, trying to figure out what was going on with her baby girl. It didn't take long before the little girl moved again, in the same jerky manner. It was almost like a pulsing jump.
"What is it? Everything alright?" She was concentrating so hard on the unusual movements of her daughter, trying to gauge their cause, that it took her a moment to realize she had stopped mid-sentence and recognize the worry and underlying panic in Ollie's voice.
"Huh? Oh, yeah, it's just… I think Mila's got the hiccups." It was the most logical explanation, given the regular intervals at which her daughter jerked inside of her. Poor little thing. She pointed towards her stomach, the movements obvious to see and placed his hand on it, just to make sure his worry would be eased, being able to confirm her words himself.
He looked from her stomach up to her, grinning at her in that way she loved and always reminded her of their teens. His eyes were sparkling. She returned his grin, enjoying the moment with him.
Mila having the hiccups was probably one of the strangest feelings in her pregnancy up to date. But she was glad her baby girl had them for the first time while her daddy was still home. She loved sharing their daughter's milestones in real time with Ollie. It was one of the biggest upsides of having him home full-time, but she knew he was getting restless. He needed a purpose, something to keep him busy and give him the feeling of making a difference and providing for them. She knew how important that was to him. It was something they'd have to talk about once he was back home.
Maybe he could run for Mayor again once they've taken care of Prometheus and Ruvé. It was something he had really cared about. She still couldn't really picture him as a politician, just the internal politics of Queen Consolidated had frustrated him to no end during the time he had been running the company. This was an entirely different level of that and she was sure his ideas for change would probably get blocked by the opposition, which would then frustrate him and make him feel useless and powerless. Maybe that wasn't the right path. Maybe she could come up with a more fitting occupation for her rather impatient husband that would lead to real change and wouldn't take years upon years and ass kissing to achieve.
Too bad he no longer had QC. There was so much he could've used the company for to help achieve the changes he wanted to see in their home.
So many projects he could've funded... maybe they could start their own company? Ollie had plenty of money, so it shouldn't be a problem financially... it was a lot of hard work, though. Finding employees alone would be a pain in the ass. Finding qualified people, one could trust and who were willing to put up with her drama Queen's mood swings and antics already looked like an almost impossible feat. Never mind the time it would take to grow the company to a level that would make it possible for him to change the things he wanted to. Maybe they could buy a company? But then that might lead to employees seeing them in a negative light from the start.
This was giving her a headache.
She'll think of something. Maybe brainstorm with Roy, Thea and Sin tomorrow. The four of them might come up with a good idea. She left Ollie to his phone calls once she was satisfied he had everything he needed in his duffel and went back to the living room and Roy.
Sara hated saying goodbye to Ollie. She always had, even back when they were little kids. It had never been something she liked to do. It had only gotten worse over the last ten years. Not that anyone would actually believe her if she confessed to someone about that issue of hers. The disbelieve would be understandable, given the fact she was usually the one walking away from him. Part of her still believed it was easier to be the one leaving then be the one to stay behind. It wasn't true, though. Ollie had told her goodbye twice in the last few months and it hurt just the same as the times she had told him goodbye and walked away. It didn't matter if it was him or her walking away; it hurt the same and the fear she was feeling was the same too. Wondering if it was the last time she was ever going to see him, hold him, smell him. Yes, she was aware of her abandonment issues, she'd guess people would call it, not that she agreed, she only had those with Ollie and for good reason, not that he had ever purposely abandoned her, which was why she found the term unfitting. She was terrified of losing him again, though. She had lost him too many times already not to be.
Maybe it was something she should bring up in their next session with their therapist. Maybe… but probably not. She knew where her fear came from and there was nothing anyone could do about it. She was afraid of losing him again and that was something that was probably never going to change, and no amount of therapy could do anything about that. Her feelings were not irrational at all, given their track record.
Knowing that Ollie hated leaving her just as much and was having the same issues as she was did not help the situation at all. Neither did Mila. Their daughter was actually amplifying her fear by like a million. She couldn't do this alone. She couldn't raise their kid without him. If it were just her, she'd be okay. Losing him would be agony, but she'd deal. She'd pack everything up and disappear. Like she had before. But she couldn't do that now, not with their daughter being in the mix. That was no life for a child and most definitely not the life Ollie would want for his little Hummingbird. Sara tried to get her thoughts back out of the dark corner of her mind they had run off to.
He wasn't going to be gone for long.
It was simply about information, nothing dangerous, not like it had been when he went to fight fucking aliens in Central City and got abducted by them. This was a lot safer than that had been. It would've been a lot easier to convince herself if the person he was trying to get information from wouldn't have the last name al Ghul, though. She had heard many stories about Talia. None of those gave her a good feeling. She reminded herself that Talia had sought Ollie out five years ago. She had chosen to help him, teach him. That was good, right? It could be, but a lot could change in five years, like Ollie being the person who had killed her father, and now one of her former students might be terrorizing their city and Ollie's life. What were the chances of it being a coincidence? Could it be that she didn't know? Or was she the one behind it? Her husband could be walking into a trap. But she agreed with him. It was also his best chance of finding answers they desperately needed. And he knew the potential danger he might be walking into. So, she knew he was going to be extra careful, knowing full well that the last thing he wanted to do was leave them forever, knowing how much he was looking forward to meeting their daughter, holding her, raising her; together. Yes, he felt the same about their future she did and he wouldn't do anything rash or stupid to risk said future.
God, she hated this.
Sara wished not for the first time that she could go with him. Help him. But she couldn't. Flying wouldn't be good for their daughter and she'd be more of a hinderance than a help to him. Besides, it wasn't like she could climb a fucking mountain in her current physical state. She got winded just walking up the stairs to their top-floor apartment… The best thing she could do was stay at home to make sure his mind was not on her but on Talia and the potential dangers he could be in. This was why Roy was here. There was no one he trusted more when it came to protecting the people he loved than his former protégé.
"Take good care of them." She watched Ollie, one of his hands still on her stomach and hers atop of his over their little girl, when he turned towards Roy and address the other man.
"Of course, you make sure to come back home, preferably in one piece." She really appreciated Roy turning a serious situation lighter with some friendly banter her husband deciding to join in.
"I'll do my best." His grin reminded her of promises of all night partying, secret meetings and stolen moments,… of the way he used to be, carefree and unburdened. He backed away from her, removing his hand, still with that grin on his face, and she was so grateful for that. It helped to have him leave like that helped. He was joking, not like the last time he left. That had been way too real, too emotional, too scary. Last time had been "goodbye", this time was "see you later".
She shifted closer to Roy and laid her head on his shoulder, watching Ollie's back disappear through the living room door. She took hold of one of Roy's hands, holding on tight while listening to the sounds of her husband leaving, his keys jiggling and the opening and closing of their front door, the lock snapping in place.
He was going to be alright; he had to be.
Notes:
Let me know what you guys think.
Not sure if Arrow ever mentioned where exactly Nanda Parbat was located, I found it confusing given the way they chose to portray the terrain around it. It looked more like the Middle East to me even though according to DC it's supposed to be in the Himalayan mountains closer to Tibet. So this is what I'm going with here.
Concerning Sara and the whole money thing it's her point of view. Also technically and if Oliver was asked, it was their money, his and Sara's. She's just not yet at the point where she's comfortable looking at it like that, even though, Oliver had given her full access to his back accounts years ago. She didn't care about the money never had which was why to her it's still his money. Even though Walter had given them the papers to change it to theirs, which it now was.
I was going to write something else but it just slipped my mind...
Chapter title is from the song "Brighter" by Morgan Taylor Reid.
