A/N Thank you all immensely for the reviews and excitement about this story! I am slow and distracted, but I vow to get this story written to have a little Cabenson in our lives! Hang with me. Your reviews always spark ideas so keep em coming!
Forgive the typos!
Thanks!
Mel
"Alex... Alllllex..."
She thought she was dreaming someone was whispering her name repeatedly. It wasn't until she felt the light tapping on her shoulder that she opened her eyes to crystal clear blue eyes and a wild bed head of curls inches from her face.
"Alex are you awake yet?" Noah whispered loudly.
"Hi...good morning," Alex whispered back. She couldn't help but smile as she sat up on the couch. "Where's your mom?" She asked looking around to the otherwise quiet apartment.
"She's still asleep."
"Oh, ok."
"Can you help me get some orange juice I can't reach it," Noah asked, his brows furrowed.
"Sure." Alex moved the covers aside on the couch, getting up. She had never been awoken by a 7-year-old, much less inches from her face asking for orange juice.
Alex padded her bare feet to the kitchen and Noah followed closely behind her. Noah climbed up on the counter opening the cabinet left of the sink. "In this cup please," he said handing Alex the blue Spiderman cup that had clearly spent some time in use.
"Hey there! Be careful." Alex said cautiously, helping Noah down.
She took the cup and opened the refrigerator seeing the orange juice on the top shelf. Clearly, Noah had not figured out how to monkey his way to reach the top shelf of the fridge yet, or he had been banned from doing so. "Here ya go," Alex said handing him the half-filled cup.
"Do you drink coffee? My mom does... " Noah said now making his way to sit on the stool at the counter.
"I do drink coffee. Do you think we should make your mom some?"
"Yep, good idea," Noah said, pleased that Alex could accomplish this for his mother.
"What do you eat for breakfast?" Alex asked, her coffee task at hand.
"Um... usually ice cream," Alex stopped scooping the coffee, "Hmm, really?" She eyed Noah suspiciously and he burst into laughter. "Uh-huh. That's what I thought. How about eggs? Toast?"
"I eat that too." He grinned.
"Ok, good," Alex smiled, as she heard the coffee began to drip.
She looked in the fridge taking inventory, sitting the eggs on the counter. "Hey Noah, do you like cheese in your eggs?"
"Ohh yeah!"
"I thought you might like that idea." Alex grinned.
Alex looked through several cabinets, finding a frying pan. She cracked eggs into a separate bowl and began to scramble them as Noah watched diligently. "Ok, you want to sprinkle the cheese in?"
Noah sat up on his knees reaching for the shredded cheese Alex provided for him.
"Ok, I think that's enough, do you?"
"Yep, looks good."
Alex poured the eggs in the pan and busied herself making toast with the bread she spied on the counter.
"I have soccer today," Noah said happy to fill in the conversation.
"You do! What time?" Alex asked looking to the clock on the microwave.
"I don't know'" Noah shrugged.
"I'm pretty sure your mom knows. Bet she has a plan."
"Yeah, she's usually pretty good."
Alex laughed at his cheeky comment.
"Well, I see you two got started without me!"
Both Noah and Alex turned their attention to Olivia.
Alex watched Olivia as she made her way to Noah, kissing his head. She could hear her saying good-morning to him, asking how he slept.
Alex couldn't help but relish in seeing Olivia first thing in the morning. Her fresh face, her hair twisted up and held together with a clip. She now had on pajama shorts similar to the ones Alex had on, but still the same tank and cardigan from the night before.
"Alex is making us breakfast."
"I see that."
"And she made you coffee, she drinks it too just like you," Noah stated matter of factly.
"That's very sweet of her. Grownups like when someone makes their coffee for them," Olivia said giving Alex a wink.
Alex looked at Olivia and smiled.
"Noah was telling me he has a soccer game today?"
"You do! And you have new cleats remember?"
"Oh yeah! I do! Alex, I'll show them to you!"
Noah was ready to hop off the stool. "Hey bud, it looks like Alex almost has your breakfast ready, how about we eat first then we'll show her..." Olivia reasoned. "She can see your uniform too."
"Oh, yeah, good idea!" He said, good-naturedly.
Olivia walked into the kitchen, getting two coffee cups to pour coffee for her and Alex.
"I have half and half or salted caramel," Olivia offered.
"Olivia Benson puts salted caramel creamer in her coffee?" Alex teased.
Olivia grinned, "I've softened in my old age."
"Uh-huh," Alex smirked.
Alex plated the eggs and buttered toast for the 3 of them.
"You didn't have to make us breakfast."
"Well, it started with orange juice and escalated from there. I hope it's ok. Hard to mess up cheesy eggs and toast."
"We appreciate it don't we Noah, especially the cheesy eggs."
Noah laughed his cheeks already bulging full of toast.
They finished eating and Noah jumped down from the stool not forgetting he wanted to show Alex his new cleats.
Olivia and Alex made their way to the couch with their coffee in hand.
"I hope you slept alright?"
Alex nodded, swallowing a sip of coffee. "I have to say I slept a lot better knowing no one was lurking around. Truthfully, I feel like I haven't had a good night's sleep in a long time."
"I'm so sorry, but I'm glad you feel safe here."
"See Alex!" Noah came from his room holding up the bright neon yellow and black cleats.
"Wow, those are awesome!" Alex said exagerating her excitement. "Very cool!"
"His feet doubled in size from last year," Olivia said shaking her head.
"You are coming with us to soccer right Alex?"
"Um, yeah, well I guess, I can if you want me to?" Alex looked at Olivia. She was trying to remain adamant about not interfering with their routine.
"Yeah! You can watch me play and meet my coach!"
"Alex, how can you pass up an opportunity like that?" Olivia grinned.
"Well, I couldn't possibly. Noah, I'm in!"
"Awesome!"
Noah ran back to his room, cleats still in hand, excited that now his new friend Alex was coming to his game.
"I was thinking we could go by your apartment after his game, get some of your things."
"Olivia, I don't feel right staying here with you, sleeping on your couch."
"So you'll press charges then? Get him off the street?" Olivia countered.
Alex took a deep breath, "I'll go to a hotel, this will blow over in a few days when he realizes we aren't coming back for his family."
"I don't feel comfortable with you being alone."
"Liv," Alex protested.
"Look, I know sleeping on my couch and having my rambunctious 7-year-old around is not a night at the Four Seasons, but at least I know where you are and that you're safe."
"That's not it at all. It's actually nice being with the two of you, and your apartment is warm, alive. It feels good here."
"Good! I hope you really do feel that way. You are more than welcome here anytime and always."
Alex nodded, reaching for Olivia's arm squeezing it to physically relay a thank you. "Guess we should get dressed. We have a big game to attend."
Olivia let out a breathy laugh. "This will be a whole new experience for you, Cabot."
Both wearing sneakers, jeans, and a t-shirt, Alex's wearing another borrowed one, this one boasting a worn vintage Mets logo, to which Olivia ribbed Alex's telling her the Mets were a baseball team.
"Wow, there's a lot of people... kids here..." Alex muttered, a bit overwhelmed at all the kids in coordinated jerseys running in different directions in front of her.
"Oh, 7-year-old soccer in Manhattan is serious business," Olivia mocked.
"Of course," Alex said, adjusting her glasses on her nose.
"Hi, Noah!" A handsome man called out, a whistle around his neck." "Hi, coach!" Noah said returning a high five. "Jack and Carly are over there stretching if you want to join them," he instructed.
Olivia and Alex both looked at Noah's fellow teammates and their attempt at "stretching".
"Mom?" Noah asked. "Let me take your bag and you go ahead. Stretch those legs ok!"
Noah nodded, sprinting off to his teammates.
"Olivia, so good to see you!" He said with his megawatt smile.
"Hi Ben, it's good to see you too. Sorry, I missed the parent's meeting, but Lucy filled me in. We'll have juice boxes and water for everyone next week."
"Oh good, and I assumed Lucy would let you know."
Olivia, of course, struggled with missing some things like parent meetings for Noah, but she also had to relinquish some of the guilt and the responsibility as she couldn't be in two places at once. Luckily, Noah was understanding and he and Olivia both loved Lucy as a part of their family.
"Ben, this is my friend Alex."
Alex stuck her hand out to Ben.
"Hi Alex, great to meet you. Glad you could join us for some hardcore soccer-playing today."
"I wouldn't miss it," she said her long ponytail now blowing slightly in the breeze.
"Noah! We'll be over there," Olivia said pointing to the small set of bleachers. "Good luck bud!"
It wasn't long before each team was corraled and ready to play a fairly good simulation of a soccer game.
"GO NOAH GO!"
Olivia laughed at Alex's enthusiasm and competitiveness.
"Hey, he's good! He can run really fast."
Olivia just smiled, finding it endearing Alex had just jumped right in with hanging out with them.
"I'm gonna make a phone call, I'll be right back."
"Oh ok," Alex said, watching Olivia make her way down the bleachers and off to the side.
Olivia paced a few steps foward and back while Amanda's phone rang.
"Hey, Liv whats up?"
"Hey, I'm sorry to ask last minute and I know you have the weekend off with the girls, but is there any way you could look after Noah for a couple of hours today? Lucy is out of town and..."
"Liv, no problem, Amanda interrupted, not needing an explanation. "Noah is great at entertaining Jesse. You wanna drop him by?"
"He's in the middle of a soccer game at the moment, we'll get lunch and then I'll bring him by. Actually, how about I bring you all lunch?
"That would be amazing."
"Anything in particular?"
"Honestly, you can just grab a cheese pizza. We'll be fine."
"Thanks, Amanda, I owe you."
"You owe me nothing, see you in a bit."
"Everything ok?" Alex asked as Olivia sat back down beside her.
"I called Amanda to see if she could take Noah for a few hours while we go to your apartment."
"See Liv, I'm interrupting your Saturday with Noah and..."
"Alex, he will be thrilled when he finds out he's going to Amanda's. I offered to get them all lunch and Amanda said a pizza was fine. So we'll get a pizza, drop Noah off and go to your apartment. We won't be gone long."
Alex nodded agreeing with the plan.
"So you and Amanda have become close?"
Olivia looked over at Alex, pausing before answering the question.
"She's been a great friend and confidant. And you know how we are at SVU, we're like family. And now we have kids..."
"Yeah, I'm glad you have someone like Amanda, she seems like a great person." Alex said, shifting on the bench, And you need female friends in your life."
"Oh, I do?"
"I just mean you work with a lot of men and I remember when you and I were sometimes the only women. And we became really..." Alex stopped herself as if she were calculating her words.
"We became what?" Olivia challenged.
Alex didn't look at Olivia rather starred at the soccer field in front of her. "We became really close, so um I'm just glad you have Amanda."
Olivia chewed her top lip, her eyes finding Noah on the field.
"My friendship with Amanda is different than what we were."
What we were.
Alex nodded, before looking over at Olivia ."What, undefinable?"
Alex instantly regretted that word.
"I think we could define it, we just, well we just didn't," Olivia said finally looking at Alex.
"Mom!" Noah said sprinting towards them. "Alex! Did you see me?!"
"We did! You were awesome!"
"Noah, you are such a great soccer player!" Alex followed.
It went undetected by Noah that they were both raddled by their interrupted conversation.
"Hey bud, I just talked to Amanda and you're gonna go play with Jessie for a little bit, while Alex and I run an errand. Is that ok?"
Noah turned to Alex, "Are you gonna spend the night with us again?"
Alex looked at Olivia as if she were unsure.
"Yes, honey she is," Olivia said interjecting. Alex can't be in her apartment right now, so she needs somewhere to stay so we're letting her stay with us. So you can play with Jessi while we pick up some of Alex's things..."
"Ok," Noah said happily. "Alex, do you want to play Go Fish with me later?"
Olivia smiled at Noah's concerns.
"Go Fish! Now that sounds like a plan!"
Amanda swung open the door, Billie in her arms.
"Hi, Noah!" Amanda said looking at the little boy still in his soccer uniform.
"Hi, Amanda!" He said excitedly.
"Noah!" Jessie called from the pile of Legos on the living room floor, Noah quickly leaving the adults forgotten and unattended to play with his friend.
"Amanda, thank you again for taking him for a couple of hours," Olivia said making faces at Billie and reaching to tickle her baby belly.
"Hey, I told you, no worries at all. He's the babysitter, he entertains Jessi."
Amanda looked past Olivia, seeing Alex standing in the hallway. "Alex?"
Amanda looked quickly at Olivia surprised, then back to Alex.
"Hi, Amanda. Good to see you."
"You're welcome to come in." Alex stepped forward beside Olivia.
"Is everything ok?" Amanda asked suspiciously, knowing Alex's presence was few and far between in the last couple of years.
"Alex and I just need to run an errand," Olivia said being purposefully vague.
"Oh, well we've got it here," Amanda said taking the cue.
"I'll text you when we're on our way back."
The closer they got to Alex's apartment, Olivia could tell Alex was becoming more uneasy. Their conversation last night about what happened to make Alex show up on Olivia's doorstep was certainly lacking in information.
Olivia locked arms with Alex, staying close as they walked.
Alex unlocked her door, and Olivia entered first assuring Alex everything there was fine.
Olivia looked around Alex's apartment. For a woman with great taste, a woman who's last apartment Olivia remembered as immaculately decorated, cozy and welcoming, this apartment looked as if she barely lived there. It was furnished but bare of any personal items, pictures, objects... her things.
A tear had fallen down Alex's cheek, as she too was looking around as if she didn't recognize her own apartment.
"Alex?" Olivia questioned.
Alex slowly looked at Olivia. "I don't think I realized until now that it doesn't even look like I live here."
Olivia saw the empty wine glass and the blanket and pillow where Alex had clearly been sleeping on the couch.
"Alex, what's going on?"
Alex pushed her hands in her front jean pockets. "Maybe, I'm just being silly..." shes said, then paused.
"Al, this is isn't you. This isn't who you are. And you're right, it doesn't even look like you live here. So tell me what's going on."
Alex walked towards her kitchen, running her hands along the marble countertop. She wanted to look away from Olivia. She didn't want to have to look her in the eyes.
"I tried..."
Olivia could see she was wiping away tears from her cheeks.
"I tried to help them. I wanted to help them, and I failed," Alex confessed.
"Alex," Olivia said moving closer, but still giving her space. "What do you mean you failed? You've helped so many people! You've risked your life, your freedom to help women and children. How could you possibly think that you have failed?"
"Because it's not enough. It's never enough. And I can't... I just can't do it anymore."
"And that's ok. No one can do what you have been doing forever!"
Alex turned looking at Olivia. Her blue eyes dark, "you do".
"What?" Olivia asked confused.
"You do what you do day in and day out. And you've done it for so long. How you don't question everyone around you, how you still let people in your life... and I can't do it. Fuck! Look at me?" Alex said, now more visibly upset.
"Alex, are you kidding me? You are an incredibly caring, hardworking, badass woman, who takes no shit from anyone..." Alex rolled her eyes at Olivia's compliment. "But we can only do so much. Be so many things. Take so much, You're human Alex."
"You make it look so easy."
"Well, I clearly have you fooled. I'm happy I can help people, but I have done damage that I can't erase. Damage to myself. How I see people, how I let people in or don't let people into my life. Now, I'm just trying to be smarter for my kid, and when I lose my shit, I know I have to go home to him, to be there for him because it's not for him to worry about and deal with. That doesn't mean it's easy at all."
Alex sat down on her couch looking towards her view of the city. "I'm sorry". I really am, I didn't mean for it to come out like that. I'm just envious of your courage."
"Alex, you have incredible courage," Olivia said moving the blanket on the couch aside and sitting next to Alex.
"I can't do it anymore but I feel like I'm letting the people who need me, I feel like I'm letting them down."
"Al, you have helped a lot of people. Be proud of what you've done. But there is nothing wrong with stopping, nothing wrong with taking care of yourself. You will find something else to do, a way to help people. You always have."
Olivia wrapped her arm around Alex's shoulder pulling her against her. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry you've been feeling this way, I'm sorry you've been afraid, and, and sad."
She didn't pull away from Olivia's arms. She let her console her. If anything, that's what she wanted was to be in Olivia's arms. To feel safe in Olivia's arms.
She was crying. Crying tears that she had been holding back for a long time now.
"Hey, I'm here. I'm here, ok?" Olivia said taking Alex's hand in hers.
Alex sat up again wiping at her tears. "I've put all this on you."
"I'm glad I'm here with you. You know if you didn't come to me..."
Alex sniffled, giving Olivia a small smile.
"I'm just going to get a few things. I just need a few days," Alex said shaking her head at her decision. "Is that okay?"
Olivia gave Alex an assuring smile, "vacation at Casa de Benson awaits you."
