Thanks for the reviews and for sticking with me! XOXO -M
"I've been worried sick about you!" Alex looked to her ex-girlfriend standing in front of her. She then stood embracing the dark-haired beauty.
"I'm sorry Samira, I'm really sorry," Alex said sincerely still holding her in the embrace.
Samira then pulled away, holding Alex at arm's length. "You damn well better be!" She said, now sitting down at the table for two in the practicality empty coffee shop on the Lower West. "Alex I texted, I called!" She said in her English accent. "Saturday, when I didn't hear from you, I went to your apartment, you weren't there. After the week you had last week, if you hadn't text me when you did, I would have called the police, had a search party sent out."
"I didn't mean to make you worry. I've been staying with a friend the last couple of nights," Alex admitted.
Samira raised her left eyebrow intrigued, "a friend?"
"Sam," Alex hesitated, "Lauren McKenzie's husband showed up at my apartment Thursday night."
"What!? Are you sure it was him?" She asked cautiously, knowing that McKenzie was the cause of Alex's now healing bruises.
"It was definitely him, Alex confirmed.
"Did he confront you? Hurt you?" She asked panicking, look Alex over.
"No, no. I was walking home, I felt like someone was following me and I just looked back and I saw him, he was standing like 15 feet from me staring at me, I just bolted into my apartment building. I told the doorman not to let him in, and I just went upstairs locked the door, checked every window..."
"Alex, that's stalking, he can't just..." The rise in Samira's voice was letting Alex know she was worried about her friend. That she was concerned her life was in danger. "Fuck! I knew something like this would happen, God Alex!"
"Calm down, calm..." Alex said, purposefully lowering her own voice. "I think it's over."
"You think?"
"He just wanted to scare me. And he's realized we're not coming back for his wife and kid... he'll leave me alone."
Samira looked at Alex shaking her head in disbelief. "How can you be so sure?" Samira asked. "And how can you be so calm about this?"
"I wasn't calm. I was scared to death!" Alex rebutted. "I didn't sleep Thursday night, and I got up on Friday morning and left my apartment and I just didn't go back."
"So you were out wandering around? He's out there!"
"I know, I know. I just wanted to get away from my apartment where he knew I was."
"So you're staying with a friend, who?"
Alex shifted in her chair, knowing she was about to get an earful.
"Olivia," was all Alex managed to say before Samaria's dark eyes widened. She physically moved back in her chair.
"Olivia? The Olivia?" She questioned.
"I was scared, I didn't know what to do, where to go and I just, next thing I knew I was knocking on her front door..."
"You could have come to me, stayed with me." Samira interrupted. "You know good and well that even though we broke up you are always welcome. And God Alex, especially if you don't feel safe."
"Sam, I know you don't understand, but she's a police Captain. I feel safe with..."
"Alex, what are you doing?"
"What?" Alex asked confused. "I told you I was scared..."
"I know you were scared, but Alex, you told me you set boundaries about having Olivia in your life. You said you wanted, no, needed those boundaries, and suddenly it's ok to show up on her doorstep so she can play police and personal bodyguard?"
"I was scared!" Alex said again, though she only raised her voice slightly as to not bring any more attention to their argument.
Samira took a deep breath out of frustration.
"Alex, this coming from a friend who knows you, who knows how you feel about her. You told me you didn't want her in your life, and for whatever your reasons. And if I remember correctly and I do, Olivia is the original, "she made me realize I was gay". She's also is the same woman you couldn't come out to because you were chicken shit. And you said it was better she didn't know."
"She doesn't know. And she doesn't need to know."
"Because she will know you're in love with her? I would assume she's not an idiot and that she already knows."
"I know you don't understand, but I have come and gone from her life so many times. And God, I know we've been on the edge whatever it is so many times..."
"Then what is stopping you?" Samira asked bluntly.
Alex looked away for a moment collecting her thoughts.
"I'm in love with her, and if we could ever be together... and it ended. I would be devastated and I can't... I can't lose her. And especially if it was my fault."
"So you choose to not have her in your life at all because you're afraid that she might be in love with you too and then it doesn't work out? Alex, that is a tiny bit insane don't you think?"
"I've been in her life, I've left her. She doesn't deserve that. She's been through a lot."
"But then you get scared and show up on her doorstep?"
"I get that my actions are not reflecting what I'm telling you."
"Why torture yourself? What if you did make a move and she reciprocated? What if it did work out?"
"She's not gay," Alex stated flatly.
"Alex, you know better than that. You know she doesn't have to label herself just because she has feelings for you."
A tear rolled down Alex's cheek and she quickly wiped it away.
"I'll be out if of hair by the end of the week." She said pointedly. Knowing she and Samira could go round and round about this. She wanted to change the subject. "I've made arrangements to leave the city for a while, I'm going to my family's house in East Hampton."
"Are you running?"
"Jesus, enough with being a hard ass."
"Ok, ok." Samira resolved, giving Alex a smirk.
"And no, I'm not running. Not from New York, not from Olivia. I need a break. I can't be in the network anymore."
Samira shook her head understanding, then reached for Alex's hand.
"Well you know it's no secret, that I didn't approve of your career choice. But no one stops a force of nature like Alexandra Cabot," she said with a smile. "But, you know you haven't been happy. You know this is not the first time you've been scared."
"I know, but I wanted to help, and I tried to help people."
"Alex, you helped a lot of people. You should be proud of yourself knowing that."
Alex let out a shy, breathy laugh, "That's what Olivia said."
"Well, you surround yourself with very intelligent women."
"I do." Alex smiled.
"So you're leaving the city. But just for a little while?" Samira confirmed.
"Yeah, I'm not sure for how long. Maybe until I figure out what I'm doing next."
"The ocean air as amazing healing qualities," Samira said, squeezing Alex's hand.
"I'm hoping so." Alex agreed. "And Sam, I don't want you to be angry with me."
"I'm not angry with you Alex. I love you, and I care about you. I want you to be happy."
Alex shook her head, "Thank you".
"I do love you, Alex, you know that," Samira said, now reaching to cup Alex's cheek. "I mean as a friend of course. I don't want to stand in the way of this Alexandra and Olivia burning love affair." She grinned.
Alex grinned. "I love you too, and I appreciate your concern. And I appreciate that you care. It means a lot.
—
"Thanks, Carisi," Olivia said, from behind her desk.
"No problem Cap. I'll get the Search Warrant." Dominick Carisi said, now standing in the open doorway to Olivia's office. "Amanda," he said giving her an acknowledging goodbye before he shut the door behind him.
Amanda stayed seated, determined to talk to Olivia.
"Hopefully we'll find something," Olivia said, waiting for Amanda to say whatever it was she was hanging around for.
"Yeah, I hope..." She mumbled. "So, um Alex Cabot is back?"
Olivia sat back in her chair, pulling off her glasses and sitting them on her desk.
"Um yeah, she is," Olivia answered. "And I'm impressed, its been 4 days and this is the first time you've brought her up."
"Noah said she was staying with you." She said contining her line of questioning.
"She is, just for a few days," Olivia said trying to seem distracted as she shuffled things on her desk around.
"I uh hardly recognized her with her brown hair."
"Yeah, just needed a change I guess," Olivia said being intentionally vague.
"Liv?" Amanda said knowing there was more.
Olivia took a deep breath, frustrated and knowing Amanda was not giving up.
"She got spooked by former client showing up at her apartment building." This wasn't a lie."And she's just staying a few days while it all blows over."
"Okay."
"What? You don't believe me?"
"Liv, she just... "
"She just what?"
"Alex likes to come in and out of your life. She disrupts your life, and I just don't think it's fair to you."
"Amanda, you don't have to worry, Alex and I are fine."
"Yeah Liv, I do. You need someone to worry about you. And I don't know what your relationship is with Alex, and I know it's none of my business, but I've seen you after she comes and goes." Amanda herself not quite sure what she was alluding to.
"We definitely have a complicated relationship," Olivia admitted, "And she was my closest friend and confidant and I lost her to a gunshot to the shoulder and Witness Protection. We were never the same."
"But she keeps coming back into your life. Why come and go?"
"Like I said it's complicated."
"So I'm getting nothing out of you?" Amanda grinned.
"Don't you have a bad guy to catch?"
"Uh-huh, that's what I thought," Amanda said getting up from her chair, leaving Olivia.
Olivia watched Amanda leave before picking up her phone. She typed... "Was going to pick up a late dinner before heading home... Do you want? "
Olivia watched the chat bubbles and then Alex's response appeared.
"I actually picked us up some wine, cheese, crackers... I knew you were going to be late."
Olivia caught herself smiling, then biting at her lip.
"That's perfect"
"Are you sure? If you're hungrier than that I can order us something. Will be here when you get home."
"You said the magic words of cheese and wine ;) "
"Ok, I'll have it ready when you get here."
"Liv"
"yeah?"
"Hurry home."
"I will."
Olivia smiled again, and set her phone down, pressing a key on her laptop for her screen to appear. She sat staring at the login field thinking.
Thinking about going home, thinking about Alex being there.
Their history told her this wouldn't last long. She knew Alex would be in and out of her life just like Rollins said she would, but at the moment Olivia didn't care. If this is how it would be, Alex in an out of her life then so it would be. She would relish the time she had with her, and they were consenting adults, if something was meant to happen between them, eventually it would.
"Noah?" Olivia said quickly noticing her son wasn't there to greet her as she walked through the door.
"He's asleep." Alex said standing at the kitchen counter. "We got pajamas on, and teeth brushed. Then we read a little, but not for long, he was out like a light." Alex said as she watched Olivia pull off her jacket, her shield. "I hope it's ok that I let lucy go home. "
"Oh yeah, thanks. I know Lucy appreciates it."
"She's pretty great."
"She's the best."
"I know you're dying to check in on him and go get into some comfy clothes. I'll pour us a glass, everything else is already on the coffee table."
Olivia gave Alex a smile. "I'll meet you back on the couch."
—-
"Everything ok?" Alex asked taking in Olivia's more relaxed attire.
"You're right he's out like a light."
Alex handed Olivia her glass of wine.
"Thanks."
"Oh, I told Lucy I would be sure to remind you that Noah's end of the year school party was set for the 30th and that teachers would be sending an email to sign up for food and drinks."
"Ahh ok. I'll look for it."
"It seems like you have to have a juice box and snack for everything," Alex commented.
"Oh, you definitely do!" Olivia laughed.
"So I met with a friend of mind today..." Alex said her tone more serious.
"Ok," Olivia said suddenly looking concerned.
"Oh no, a good friend," Alex assured. "Actually she was worried because I wasn't responding to her in the last few days. After apologizing profusely, and telling her I had been staying with you, I told her I was stepping away from the network and that I needed some time away."
"Is she in the network?"
"She's an attorney, but she knew..." Alex said curling her legs under her on the couch. "She and I talked about how I haven't been myself lately. She also reminded me that I shouldn't drop in and out of your like like I do."
Alex paused waiting for Olivia's reaction
"You talked about me? "
"She wasn't very happy with me when I told her I was staying with you."
"Why would she care if you were staying with me?" Olivia asked, suddenly defensive.
"Because she's trying to be a good friend and not let me do something I'll regret," Alex said, taking in a gulp of wine.
"Regret? What would you regret?" Olivia asked confused.
"Coming in and out of your life. Making choices that hurt you."
"Alex, what are you talking about? Witness Protection wasn't your choice and..."
"You know I'm right," Alex said flatly.
Olivia picked up her glass of wine finishing it. She got up, walking to the kitchen to get the bottle.
At that moment that was all the space, she could create.
There was silence as Alex watched her.
Alex heard Olivia clear her throat as she walked back to the couch, but she didn't sit down.
"So, where are you going?" Her questions as hollow. "Back to the Congo? Switzerland? Spain? If you need suggestions I have a travel wish list I could give you."
See, she knew I was right.
"Liv, That's not..."
"Alex isn't that the whole point of this conversation? You not walking in and out of my life, just to tell me you about to leave?"
"Liv, it's not like that."
"Then what is it like?"
Alex stood from the couch, standing as close as she was allowed to Olivia.
Olivia waited. She wanted Alex's explanation.
"My family," Alex began "has a house in East Hampton." Alex paused swalling hard, hoping Olivia would know that she was being sincere. "I thought it would be a good place for me to go, to think about what's next. To remove myself from the network."
Olivia shook her head agreeing. "You're right, you're right, it's the perfect place for you to go."
"It isn't too far from the city."
"Great," Olivia said crossing her arms over her chest.
Alex reached for Olivia's arm, but Olivia quickly pulled away.
"Liv, this thing between us..."
"Alex" Olivia interrupted. She didn't want to have this conversation again.
"I don't know what this is for you," Alex continued, "but I know what this is for me."
Olivia looked at Alex, swallowing the sudden suffocating lump in her throat after hearing her admission.
Alex could feel her heart pounding as she continued.
"I'm leaving on Friday and I was hoping that when Noah gets out of school in two weeks for the summer, you both could come and stay with me for a little while," Alex said, begging herself internally to keep going. "And if you are just there as my friend, then we will be as we have always been, Alex said giving Olivia a shy smile. "But if there is a possibility that I can tell you, show you what this is for me, and maybe find out what this is for you then we'll be what I've always wanted."
TBC
