Let It Go - Ch. 4

Err sorry all! Here ya go! -Mel

Amanda was younger.

So letting Amanda outrun her was not an option.

"This isn't a competition," Amanda huffed as she pressed her palms into her knees, trying to catch her breath. Olivia took a few steps left and then right, her hands on her hips. She grinned at Amanda, but she too was trying to get her breath and heart rate back to a normal rhythm.

"Come on let's grab a juice," Olivia said, leaving Amanda still standing there.

Olivia bought her and Amanda water and a juice from a juice truck parked just outside the west entrance of the park. They walked back, finding a bench to sit down. "I'm thinking about taking a vacation when Noah gets out of school for the summer." Olivia said, the straw if her "green drink" pressed to her lips.

"Liv that's great! You deserve some time off. Where ya thinking about..."

"Alex invited us to the Hamptons," Olivia interrupted with somewhat of a confession.

"Oh."

Olivia raised her brow to Amanda's response, though she already knew what her detective and friend's reaction would be.

"I'm mean that's great. I'm glad you two have reconnected."

"That's it? That's all you're going to say?" Olivia asked surprised. "I know you don't think we should go."

"That's your decision," Amanda responded quickly.

Olivia took a deep breath. She knew she was about to disclose things to Amanda, that she had kept private from well, anyone. But she needed to confide in her, she needed her opinion. Amanda had and did look after her.

"Liv?" Amanda questioned her sudden silence.

Olivia had sat her "green drink" down beside her, and she now rubbed her hands nervously together.

"Before Alex left, she told me she had feelings for me, that she had for a long time. And that she wanted to see if there was a chance..." Olivia purposefully stopped, not going into any further detail.

"And you said?" Amanda asked impatiently.

"Nothing really," Olivia said, shrugging her shoulders. "She asked Noah and me to come to the Hampton's. She said I could come as just a friend or we could figure out what it is we're dancing around."

"So you do have feelings for her?"

Olivia looked around the park as if trying to find something to focus on other than Amanda.

"I..." She began, but stopped herself, calculating her revelations. "Yeah, I do have feelings for her. I think I have from the very beginning. It just wasn't something I understood ya know?"

"And you two have never even talked about it?"

Olivia finally looked to Amanda. "We just refer to it as 'this thing between us'. We always have. Or at least since she came back from Witness Protection."

"Do you think that's why she keeps running from you? Because she has feelings for you?"

"We get too close. It verges on too complicated..."

"And she finds another city?"

"Something like that. I get the game we play whether I like it or not."

Olivia then leaned forward, her elbows on her knees almost as if she were going to be sick.

"There's nothing wrong with having feelings for Alex. It's ok to be in love with her," Amanda said, feeling like Olivia needed the confirmation.

"I know, I know."

"So you gonna tell her how you feel about her? Give it a shot?"

Olivia sat up straightening her spine.

"It's been a long time Amanda. Things have changed, she's changed, I've changed."

"But you still have feelings for her, that hasn't changed," Amanda said stating the now obvious.

"It's not that simple. Most importantly I have Noah now. When it was just us protecting ourselves, our careers... but there is a lot more at stake. I've tried to be so careful about who I date, who I introduce him to. He was so attached to Tucker and when we broke up..."

"Liv, Tucker was a while ago, Noah is older... And yes, Noah is a kid and yes you're the mom, but moms need someone too, I think he would like to see you happy."

"Noah really likes Alex," Olivia said, the corner of her mouth curving upwards. "He'll be thrilled when I tell him about going to visit her."

"Ok, so a million possibilities."

Olivia looked at Amanda, "so now you're Alex's biggest fan?"

"Oh no!" Amanda dramatized, "strictly apart of the Olivia Benson fan club."

Olivia smirked.

"Liv, something scared her, obviously really scared her. and she knew right who to run to. Who she wanted to run to. That says a lot." Amanda concluded. "And honestly, I'm glad she had the guts this time to tell you that she had feelings for you." Amanda reached for Olivia's arm, making sure she had her attention. "Go to the Hamptons, you and Noah have a great time! If it works out, then Liv, it works out!" She assured her. "Just don't stay away for too long it goes to Fin's head when he's left in charge."

"This is true!" Olivia laughed, then took a long exhale, and shaking her head, agreeing.

She had convinced herself that if something did or didn't happen between them while Alex was staying at her apartment then it was fine, now that they would be in Alex's territory, now that Naah could possibly fall more in love with Alex... Everything had gotten real.

"Have you talked to her since she left?"

"A couple of times and we've actually texted a lot."

"Ok, so just call Alex and tell her you're coming."

"What do I say?"

"Olivia Benson at a loss for words?" Amanda questioned raising her brow. "And I'm certain you've already played the conversation AT LEAST a 100 times in your head."

She had.

"Why do I feel like I'm about to pull the string that unwinds everything?"

"Because you both are clearly at a point in your life where it's time to pull the string, make the move, shit or get off the pot!" Amanda said giving Olivia a grin.

"Ok, ok I get it!" Olivia said rolling her eyes.

Amanda uncrossed her legs, inching towards the edge of the bench, "come on Carisi is probably at his wit's end with the girls."

They stood up from the bench and Amanda gave Olivia a quick hug. "Thanks for the juice and kicking my ass this morning... and for talking, letting me in," she said sincerely.

Olivia gave the blonde a smile, "thanks for listening, and the advice. Clearly, I'm not sure what I'm doing here."

"Everything will be fine, it will work out as it should."

Olivia shook her head agreeing and she and Amanda started to part ways, "Hey Liv," Amanda called back, "Cabot has almost a foot on me, but she's skinny. I can take her!" Amanda quipped, grinning.

Olivia let out a hardy laugh, "I'll remember that!"

Olivia had run a few quick errands, buying plates and cups for Noah's end of the year party before heading to Chelsea Piers to pick Noah up from a birthday party at the Field House. "Hey, not too far!" Olivia reminded Noah as he zoomed passed her on his scooter towards their apartment. Noah slowed down, waiting for his mother to catch up.

"So Noah, it's your last week of school!"

"I know! We have our party and then I go to 2nd grade!" He said excitedly.

"That's right! But before you go to 2nd grade you have all summer to play."

"Yeah!" Noah cheered.

"So do you remember me showing you on the map where Alex went for her summer vacation?"

Noah shook his head, "yes, Hapton?

"Hampton, East Hampton," Olivia confirmed. "Well, Alex asked us to come to visit her. What do you think about that?"

"Awesome!" Noah said, hoping off his scooter, his attention now all on his mother.

"And her house is by the ocean and she has a swimming pool too!"

"Wow!"

"I know, wow! So lots of swimming and playing outside!"

"We can build a sandcastle?" Noah asked wide-eyed.

"Of course... So do you want to call Alex and tell her we're coming to visit?"

"Let's call her now!" Noah exclaimed, jumping up and down.

Olivia laughed, "let's get inside... we'll call her then ok?"

Noah hopped back on his scooter, ready to get home to call Alex.

Olivia pulled her phone from her pocket texting Alex. "Have a few minutes for Facetime with me and Noah?"

Olivia saw the chat bubble appear. "Yes!"

Olivia smiled to herself, "We're almost home, call you in 15."

Noah had crawled into Olivia's lap as they sat on the couch. "Ok, press that button right there," Olivia instructed. The camera appeared and the phone began to ring. Alex answered with a huge grin on her face at the sight of Noah and Olivia. "Hi, guys!"

"Alex!" Noah squealed, elated to see her.

"Hey, there cutie pie!"

Olivia couldn't help but feel a flutter in her throat as she silently watched the interaction with Noah and Alex and their admiration for each other.

"Alex we're coming to visit you!" Noah blurted.

"You are!?" Alex's eyes lit up.

"Surprise," Olivia said dryly, turning the camera so Alex could see her face.

"An awesome surprise," Alex assured her.

"Alex, can we go swimming in your pool and then in your ocean?"

Alex laughed, "absolutely! Every day if you want!"

"I have to finish first grade and then mama says we can come visit."

"She's right! But you only have one more week of school right?"

"Yep, and then I'm all done, and then we come to see you in East Hapton!"

Alex grinned at his pronunciation. "Now that sounds like a plan! But you have to promise me you will be good for your mom this week and finish up school. And it will be time to come visit before you know it!"

"Ok Alex! I'll be happy to see you again!" He grinned with his front teeth missing.

Olivia turned the phone again to herself, she was smiling. Alex was smiling, though they said nothing at the moment.

"Um, I'll call you tonight?"

Alex shook her head confirming. "I'll be here."

"Ok, let's say goodbye to Alex."

"Bye Alex, we'll see you soon!"

"I can't wait! Bye, bud!"

"Hi," Alex said softly into the phone.

"Hi there," Olivia said matching the tone of her voice. "Sorry for calling so late," she apologized.

"I'm just glad you called."

"So it's not too late?"

"It's never too late," Alex said, hearing Olivia let out a breathy sound of relief. "Noah seems excited."

"So excited it was hard getting him to go to sleep. We had to look at the calendar, count the days..."

"I counted the days too."

"Well, I didn't exactly mean to tell you that we were coming the way we did, but Noah was so thrilled and asked could we call you. I couldn't tell him no."

"I loved that you two Facetimed me. Obviously, the news that you were coming was great, but I was also happy to see both of your faces."

Olivia could swear she could hear Alex smile.

"I have to admit I'm a little excited myself."

"Good! I was beginning to think that you weren't going to take me up on my invitation." Alex said a bit more seriously.

Olivia hesitated for a moment. "Can I be honest?"

"Always."

"I really just needed a little time to think about it. I wanted to say yes when you mentioned it the night you were here..."

"But you needed to think about Noah?"

"Yeah."

"Liv, I can't blame you for that. And no matter what goes on between us, I understand that Noah comes first. I want him to come first." Alex said honestly.

"That means a lot that you get that."

"He's most important and if anything, he, like his mama deserves a vacation by the ocean. I'll see to it that you both have a great time."

"Thanks, Alex, really..." Olivia said, settling under the covers. "How are things there?"

"I've settled in, getting a routine, I've met my neighbors. I'll have to tell the kids next door Noah is coming. They are about Noah's age."

"He'll love that. He'll love making new friends," Olivia said. "And you've been out of the network for a couple of weeks now, any regrets?"

"You know I did initially, but I sat down, I started making a list of things I could do to help women and children in those situations if I couldn't help them leave their abusers..."

"Alex that great. I know that something great will come of that list and your decision to leave."

"I'm certain it will too, I'll make sure of it."

Suddenly Olivia heard the sounds of water.

"Ms. Cabot are you in the tub?"

"I am. 2nd glass of wine, jacuzzi tub..."

"I'm jealous."

"No need to be. You'll be right here next week."

"Oh really? Saving me a spot?" Olivia asked suggestively.

"Absolutely," Alex growled.

They both were quiet for a moment after their flirty exchange.

"I've been thinking a lot about us, about you," Olivia admitted.

"And you're still coming here so, good sign."

"Al, this feels right, us figuring things out."

"I agree, telling you I had feelings for you, saying it out loud. I was so scared, but Liv, now that you know, and well the fact that you didn't freak out," Alex chuckled, "it feels... it just feels good knowing that we can move forward in whatever compacity."

"I agree, we've been down a long road..."

"A very long road," Alex agreed.

"I also miss you all over again now that you're gone. It's like that dull ache of missing you has stirred up all over again.

"I know what you mean, but it's temporary," Alex assured her. "Whatever happens while you're here, I meant what I said, I need you in my life just as a friend or if its something more. But I'm coming back to the city and my intention is to be apart of your and Noah's life.

"I like the idea of that."

"Good, now, go to bed, I know you have to be up early tomorrow.

"I do... Alex?"

"Yeah, Liv?"

Alex heard the hesitation in her voice.

"Nothing... " Olivia said stopping herself from saying what she really wanted to say. "Sweet dreams."

"You too Liv," Alex said not pressing her about what she was going to say. "Goodnight Liv."

"Goodnight."