December 22, 2006
**Potential Trigger warning for sexual assault/rape**
The ride to the hospital was the least comfortable experience of Dean's life. Mercifully the cabbie was mostly silent, and when Dean paid using the few bucks he'd stashed in his shoe he didn't ask any questions. The large concrete building was imposing to say the least. Dean knew what the process was for something like this-he had learned about it back in college during a mandatory sexual assault training for teachers-but knowing the steps to do something and actually doing it were quite different. He never wanted to have to file this kind of report, even if he did know how to.
**SPN**
It was nearly two in the morning by the time the exam and all the paperwork were completed. Dean was wearing a pair of gray sweatpants and a white t-shirt, courtesy of the hospital, as the police department had taken his other clothing as evidence. Everyone had been nice enough during the process, but that didn't undo what had happened, or the fact that he'd nearly had a panic attack when they started collecting swabs. He'd been able to shower after the exam, but he still felt dirty. As he tried to choke back the bile rising into his throat again he looked at the white walls glowing under the too-intense fluorescent lights. He knew he'd have to call eventually, but he wished he didn't have to.
Sam stirred as he heard his phone ringing on the nightstand. Jess exhaled as she turned away and nudged Sam with her elbow.
"Get your phone…"
Sam groaned groggily as he flipped open the silver clamshell, not even bothering to check the name. "'ello?"
"Hey Sammy." A voice somberly responded.
"Dean?" Sam rubbed his eyes as he looked at the clock. It was 2:17 am. "Why on earth are you calling me at 2:17?"
"I'm at Washington Memorial Hospital. I need you to pick me up."
Sam put on his glasses as he got out of bed. "Are you okay?"
"No. But right now I just need a ride home."
It was quarter to three when Sam pulled up outside of the hospital's emergency room. Dean was sitting on the concrete curb with his hands in his lap, his eyes red and swollen.
"Hey, what happened?" Sam walked over to his brother, reaching down to embrace him. Dean shied away, instead looking at the car he'd arrived in. "Dean?"
"Please don't touch me. I don't want to talk about it. I just want to go back to the Moore's."
Sam ran an eye over his brother; Dean looked close enough to normal. He didn't have any visible bruises or cuts. "Okay. When you're ready to talk, let me know."
The ride back was silent, and when Dean collapsed onto the mattress in the guest room he fell into a dreamless, restless sleep.
**SPN**
It was nearly noon when Dean woke up. The rest of the Moores and Sam had already gotten up and had started going about their business. It was the seventh night of Hanukkah that evening, which meant that Jen was going shopping for the final night's feast. The boys had gone out to catch up with a few friends from the area (given that they-like Jess-had also moved away), and Jake was busy with a last-minute client and had to do a few things at his office in town.
When Dean left his room he was greeted with a quiet house, his footsteps muffled by the thick brown carpeting in the hallway as he walked toward the kitchen. He wasn't particularly hungry, but he knew he had to eat.
"Dean?"
Dean turned to see Jess sitting in a chair in the living room across from Sam-the couple enjoying a round of Axis and Allies while the house was quiet.
"How are you? Sam said he had to pick you up at the hospital last night." Her face contorted in worry.
Dean looked down at the floor, "I'm fine…"
"I know you aren't." She stated firmly as she walked over and placed her hand out on his shoulder before he could shy away. "Whatever happened, Sam and I are here to help. Did you get hurt somehow?"
Yeah I got fucking hurt. I was fucking raped in an alleyway after some guy roofied me and I passed out. Dean remained silent as he looked away from her hand.
"Dean, please tell us." Sam pleaded as he looked at his brother's face.
I'm pretty sure this is God's way of saying 'fuck you'. No straight guy would've had this happen to him… It's karma for being me, because after all I'm a fucking disgrace. Dean looked up, his eyes puffy as he inhaled, "I… I got mugged."
"Jesus…" Jess exhaled earning a quick pointed look from Sam, "I'm sorry."
"And he…" Dean choked as he tried to force himself to speak. He grabbed a fistful of hair and shook as he tried to speak.
Sam tilted his head as the wheels clicked into place. He paled as he covered his mouth. "Dean, did he touch you somewhere…"
Dean nodded, his eyes watering.
Jess' eyes widened in horror as she realized the truth, "Dean…"
Dean coughed as he sat down on the floor and began crying, with him finally welcoming their embraces.
It took almost two hours for Dean to tell his story and everything that happened. The police were already looking for the guy and the hospital had made sure to help him and was going to be calling him back soon with some information about everything. All-the-while Dean hated himself and refused to take any form of comfort after the brief initial embrace. He okayed telling the others and then excused himself to get a sandwich, then returned to bed.
**SPN**
Dean did dream the second time he slept. It was pitch black and except for the sounds of his own choked breathing there was nothing to hear. It wasn't a void, like when he was with Cas the first time, he was standing on solid ground with nothing but darkness in every direction. It was awful. Dean sat down and covered his eyes, wishing that the pain would stop, but knowing I don't deserve that. After all, this is all the big guy's way of showing me how much of a fuck-up I am.
"Dean, please do not call yourself that." Cas appeared beside the crouched man.
Dean didn't look up. His dry lips creased as he responded, "Your boss must really hate me, huh?"
Cas' face fell as he sat beside Dean. "My father does not hate you."
"Well he sure has a fucked up sense of kindness then."
Cas averted his eyes as he thought of what to say, "Dean, I am unaware of his plans, the host is never told them aside from a few select individuals. But I can say this; I know that both you and your brother will do great things."
"Well I sure as hell don't feel like that."
Cas looked at his hands as he sat, "May I sit here beside you for some time?"
"Sure."
As Dean looked down Cas placed his hand on his shoulder and leaned his weight against Dean. "I am sorry for what happened."
"Thanks Cas."
