Thirteen: Obsession
Icarus
As soon as we set foot back on Tenos, I feel like there's something wrong. Some sort of tingling in the air. That might have something to do with the fact it's raining and storming like no one's business (I spent most of the journey in below deck hiding under a bunk and trying not to freak out) but that's not the point. I felt it the whole way over here too, I don't know if anyone else noticed. When we got on the sea, Narcissus just stood in the middle of the ship most of the time. He never once went to the side, never once to try and catch a glimpse at the ocean. When we talked a couple days ago, he seemed totally back to normal, more caring even, like he'd opened up himself as soon as I... broke down, I guess.
He really hasn't seen me at my greatest, has he?
I never thought someone like him would be so kind. I mean… I guess he's been nothing but kind to me since I got here. He got me a physician, fed me, gave me clothes and a bed to sleep in, helped me to find… urgh. Or at least tried. And now he says I can stay as long as I like? He might act like a pompous jerk on the outside but on the inside, he can actually be a really generous person. At least, to me. Why just me though? He's not like that with anyone else…
Well, actually, he's not like anything with anyone else at the moment. Now he's got this vacant staring, this, I dunno – creepy I guess – glaze over his eyes. At first I thought he wasn't sleeping enough. But I checked, he sleeps fine.
Not that I watch him sleep or anything.
Ahem.
My brain goes back to that night at the temple. I want to tell Eliana what I saw, but ever since then she seems irritated and I feel awkward bringing it up. Maybe she's still worried about him too? In which case it would be good to talk about it.
I catch a glimpse of red-brown hair and slide up beside her.
'Elli?'
No reply. Didn't she hear me?
'Elli!'
'Yes?' her voice comes out tense and short. I wonder how much work she's done over the past couple days… better make it quick then.
'You don't think Narcissus has been acting weird lately, do you? I mean, weirder than normal.'
'I'll be honest Icarus, I haven't noticed.'
She's definitely in a bad mood, she usually picks up on people's behaviour like a vulture picks up on rotting meat.
'Really? You don't think he seems more… distant?'
Elli doesn't miss a beat,
'I've got other things on my mind.'
'Like what?'
'The fact that whilst I have been away, tending to Narcissus' every pointless whim, my mother has fallen ill. The fact that I'm panicking over how to manage all this work and look after her too. The fact that there is no chance of us ever affording a healer, and I just missed the chance to beg help of the greatest one in Athens all because I didn't know in time. A lot of things Icarus.'
Her face is twisted and tense and not very pretty at all, like its in pain. She's in pain. Maybe I should've kept my mouth shut. I'll apolo-
'So I don't really have time to spend dithering over whether the master is having a bad week or not, especially if I'm not going to get anything out of it.'
Well that was harsh, considering she seemed so worried before.
Then her words hit me,
'Not get anything out of it? What do you mean by that?'
Elli pauses and drops the load she's carrying in an empty side room. She goes on to drag me in there too.
'Look Icarus, the truth is I was only interested in what Narcissus was up to because he is worth a lot of money. His reputation is worth a lot of money. I didn't believe that he was actually going to the temple, I thought he was doing something dodgy. Something that might sully the reputation as perfect as his face –' she sounds like she wants to insult him but it comes out as a compliment. Her voice is bitter but she's blushing at the same time.
'Something he might be willing to pay to keep a secret.'
My stomach goes cold.
'You were going to blackmail him?'
Her eyebrows raise at my bluntness.
'Well yes. But it turns out I was wrong, so bust I guess.'
Suddenly I don't regret not telling Eliana about the floaty priestess in the temple.
I shut up after that and let her get on with her day. I mean… I can totally understand where she's coming from. She's got family to think of. Family. They're the most important thing right?
Yeah, right.
Yet somehow, I dunno, I still feel betrayed. Narcissus helped me a lot, so I kind of want to do the same for him you know? And I don't think he's that bad a person – just that he's got a huge ego and he's a bit spoiled and maybe got some issues. But he doesn't deserve blackmail. Right?
Servants and slaves and followers are busy unloading and preparing all around me. Finding myself with nothing to really do, I try and help out some of them. Why do they keep giving me weird looks when I do that? I stay clear of Eliana. It's weird, it's almost as if she hates him, but at the same time she can't help herself whenever he's around. And as I'm watching people, really watching people – cos I know they're so used to me being here by now that they don't even notice me staring at them – I realise that she's not the only one. They all do as he says without question and act all pretty in his face but then he turns away and… do they all secretly hate him? Is this the effect Narcissus has on everyone he meets? All those followers, they don't have a choice. You lay eyes on him, and his will is yours.
Does he have a choice? Maybe he's like that snake lady, Medusa, but cursed with good looks instead of bad…
It's not until early evening that I realise I haven't seen Narcissus since we got off the ship.
Narcissus
I'm back. I'm back for you, love, for Us.
I'm pulling my way through shrubs and foliage – I left the others behind long ago. They don't matter even remotely now –
But he still needs you –
Shut up. He'll be fine. Or not. Either way, it's no concern of mine anymore. I offered him lodging, left the promise and allowance in my papers, that is enough. He'll figure it out from there, he's a bright enough kid –
But he's broken. And alone. Like y-
Don't finish that sentence. Don't dare.
I am never alone. Not anymore.
The lake then.
What?
The lake. The lake!
Of course.
Waters deep and crisp and clear –
And still.
Perfect. The lake. The lake!
They whisper, gentle, urgent,
The lake, the lake, I need to, I need to –
Here.
Stumble through a clearing, the warm air freshens. Sweet relief floods over me, the cooling waters of your presence. The place is silent. Solitude. Feet crack on drying twigs and new fallen leaves. The only sound is I.
My knees take my weight once more, at the edge, dirt and grass a bed soft enough for lovers. I creep, edging forwards, suddenly nervous.
Yes.
But once We appear, I know its complete.
This is where we rest.
Finally.
This is where…
Our shimmering face, ethereal and godlike in the fading light – an uncontrollable desire springs up within me and I reach out to take you–
But as soon as I do, We are separated.
'Ugh-'
The noise escapes me, I can't help it, it's painful, being away from you. I don't know how I did it before. I was so brave, so strong. But I'm weak when it comes to Us, okay? You've caught me. I go wherever you go. I follow you. You thrive, I thrive, you perish, I die. Together for eternity, okay love?
You look satisfied now. You smile, eyes just as entranced with me as I am with you.
You loved me from the start, didn't you? Didn't you.
You wanted to hold me as much as I you?
Of course you did. We are one in the same.
I reach for you again, you reach for me, We have to hold each other, be together, exist together, as one –
But no. I pass through you, or you me, I don't know. Water drips morosely from my fingers.
Why don't you just stay still and touch me?
Stop playing around, this isn't a game, dammit! Don't you know, don't you know how much I love you?
Of course you do. You must do.
I reach out to touch you again.
You hide once more.
'Argh!'
I'm frustrated, all these games, why can't We just be together? Our face returns, anguished, raged –
We look just like her now.
Is this what she felt? Only seeing, never having?
I can feel her craggy, rough hands on my skin now, clinging desperately onto me –
'Please, please, Narcissus, you don't understand, how could you? I love you! I would give everything for you!'
She never said. She said it all with her eyes, her desperate, foolish eyes. Eyes so much like those that reflect back on me now.
I would. I would give everything for you. For Us.
If I could just…
Icarus
I find him where I thought he'd be. It takes me a while to find, the lake, the woods seem bigger than I remember. But there's this sound, gut wrenching, almost animal-like, slicing through the air. It makes me shudder, but I tell myself that horrible… beast couldn't be anywhere near here.
And then, everything goes silent.
When the trees suddenly clear, I nearly step on him. He's right on the edge of the water, on his hands and knees in the mud. Mouth open and gasping, staring right into his own reflection.
He doesn't even see me, hear me, notice I'm there. To him it's just him, just him and his own face.
His eyes are weird and intense, nearly bulging out of their sockets. He doesn't look so handsome anymore. He almost looks insane.
'Narcissus,'
A tiny peep slips out of my mouth. I can do better–
'Narcissus.'
Voice clear and loud this time I think? But he still doesn't move. A shudder runs down my spine and my stomach feels like its in my heart, beating out of time and making me feel sick.
'Narcissus…?'
'What.'
He replies. But his voice is flat, dull, near non-existent. His eyes are still stuck to the water.
'Should we… um. Go inside? Get something to eat? I-it's been a long day,' I talk.
No response this time.
My heart's nearly stopped now. I'm frozen, I'm waiting, scared, hoping –
His eyelids fall, breaking the stone gaze. His fingers uncurl slowly, dirt falls away from them but some stays hanging on his fingernails, grit in white crescent moons. I start to breathe out, he's come to his senses, he's going to come back, we'll get him inside and get him a physician that isn't too distracted by his face and –
Without a word he plunges palms first into the water.
Narcissus
The light is gone, but you're still there imprinted into my mind for eternity. Even if I can't see, I know you're there. We exist as one.
I tried to find you once before. I can do it again.
But last time you failed. You only found that troublesome boy.
A voice in the back of my mind irritatingly points out. It's as if she's still taunting me, even here. Especially here, where I'm so close.
I can see precious little under here, past the shallows, below the surface of the lake. Everything is a blur. I want to panic, to claw my way back up to the surface where I can see Us again.
But then I feel something. A current. I taste the water, fresh. Of course. Why would a phenomenon as delicate as Us reside in a stagnating pond? I'm drawn deeper, feet finding slowly crunching stones underfoot and pushing off them. I'm guided by you, your delicate and cool fingers stroking against me, drawing me to the source of your life. Once I reach you, then we can be together for –
Warm hands.
Unnatural. Like talons.
Nails digging into my skin and pulling me, dragging me along your current and away from you, back upwards, to air –
'No!' the words tear out of me, as I tear out of the water, air chokes down my lungs, I can barely breathe – breathe? Since when did breathing matter? But I'm screaming all the same, screaming at the demon who tore me away from my love once more –
'Damn you!'
Water still in eyes and it's dark, barely any moonlight –
'Damn you to hades! Leave me! Let me go!'
There's no reason for vision to fail and yet–
'Argh!'
– and yet I can't see I cannot SEE and I feel like I'm screaming at shadows.
Is it all pointless, futile?
I'll scream anyway. It's the only way to release this agony.
Icarus
Now I know, this time I messed up. I fucked up for real.
He's gone.
I saw it coming and I didn't do anything. I could've told someone, warned someone, I could've warned him.
But I didn't.
And now he's lost it.
I start to step away from the lake, inch by inch, head whirling, mind running through all the solutions I can think of and feet running away from the truth. Away from the problem, like I run away from all my problems –
And then I stop.
And run back.
And jump in after the stupid bastard.
Now we're both dripping wet, slumped in the mud. My muscles feel torn and aching, something's bruised from where Narcissus struggled against me. I can barely swim myself, it's a good thing he didn't get too deep in. He's choking and screaming and raving and I'm scared for my life but mostly his cos he's striking out at anything around him blindly. Just like the –
'What's going on out here? Is that a boar?'
A light appears through the trees. Like a perfectly timed cue, Narcissus falls silent, lying still. I would think he was dead, but his breathing is too loud, panting. Two men, hunters, part of his group I think. I've only met them once or twice. They both carry spears or javelins and have them pointed straight our way.
'Wait, stop!' my voice comes out pleading and whiny but I don't care.
'It's just us.'
'Heh? Oh, it's the boy. Narcissus' favourite,' the hunter with the jealous tone holds a torch and brings it an inch away from my face. I flinch unwillingly.
'What was making that awful noise?'
'I think it was the kid,' the other one replies with a laugh. Normally I'd be pissed off but right now I'm way too worried for that.
'It's Narcissus. Something's happened to him. He's… um…'
My sentence falters. Elli's words suddenly come back to me, about his reputation and what it could do to him if anything dodgy gets out.
'He's fallen ill. In a lot of pain.' I improvise. Though technically its not a lie, it still makes me squirm under their gaze.
'He's collapsed. He collapsed in the lake. I had to drag him out. Please, get someone, slaves, servants, a physician!' I stutter out all at once before they can question me. As if to prove my point, a small moan spurts out from behind me. It's then that the hunters see their friend and their eyes widen with worry.
'Yes, of course.'
'Should one of us stay?'
'Maybe we should take him.'
'Its probably best not to move him right now, don't know what the damage is. I can take care of him until you get back.' I babble quickly. The two of them stare at me dumbly.
'Go!'
My voice comes out more commanding than I ever thought it could. I almost sound like Dad – argh, dammit. The two run off through the trees and I turn back to find Narcissus. I wish they'd left me the torch, I can't see where he is, for all I know he could've slipped back into the lake while I was talking to those idiots.
But no, he's here, his breathing is better now, I can hear that. My hand collides with what feels like his shoulder, his body shivering and cold, skin slick with water and sweat. He doesn't move. He doesn't even flinch. I can only imagine his eyes are as dead as ever.
There's a sinking pit deepening in my stomach.
It's the same pit that opened when the prison doors slammed on us for the first time.
The same pit that dug deeper with every passing day, every growl, every roar that came from far below us, the pit that widened when I fell from the sky, turned into a crevasse when I found out about…
But now it feels bottomless.
This is something I can't run from. I have to save Narcissus somehow. He's been possessed or cursed by something. Something that woman did to him? No, even before that, something taking over him like an obsession, a love that isn't real. I don't know what it is, why I have this urge to help when just a couple months ago I wouldn't have cared. Maybe cos now I know how it feels, pinning your life on lies and stories that aren't real and having them crash to pieces around you. Maybe cos I know that I owe it to him after all.
Maybe cos it's the only thing I can think of to do.
Narcissus
Why do they hate the idea of Us so? Every pore of this blasted universe wants to keep Us apart. The gods hate me. They must hate you too to put you through such torture.
There's so many of them now, in our space, infecting the air and the water and talking as if they mean something. Which they don't. And it all started with that child, the boy who drags me away from you at every moment. I thought I was being clever, kind. I was too damn curious. Look where it got Us. I should have thrown him back in the sea when I had the chance.
I don't mean that.
But I should have.
One says I'm sick.
Another that I'm selfish.
Another that I'm insane.
And so on. Voices on a merry-go-round.
And he's the worse of them all. Any moment he can steal from just Us he insists that we're cursed. Cursed is right. Cursed with the burden of his voice, his presence, so obnoxious it nearly ruins everything –
I could always kill him.
When he leans in close next time I'll take his head, wrench it from his neck. A brief twist is all it takes, do it with hares all the time. Or simply push him in the lake, hold him under until he stops being such a hassle.
No, I couldn't possibly do that.
Then he'd get more time with you than I've had all week.
I could always kill him.
But I won't. Of course I won't.
I won't.
