Fifteen: Guilt

Icarus

Elli and I got back early this morning: her mother insisted we stayed the night instead of coming back in the dark. Then Elli insisted that it would be good for us to get a rest, that the physician would be all too happy to stay longer at the lake.

Honestly, I didn't sleep well at all though. The floor wasn't the problem: Susanna had enough scraps of fabric for us to make comfy little sleeping bundles. It's just that being away from the lake didn't feel right. Anything could've happened while I was away.

Anyway, now that I'm back here, I tell the physi– Eubalus? – he can go. He seems reluctant, keeps trying to make conversation so he can stay behind. I swear I've seen his face before. Wait… this is the guy who put all my bones back into place! The one that… kissed Narcissus' feet. Ew. He doesn't seem to remember me, but takes up one of the guest rooms, stating he needs to be close by if there's any change. I agree. Why is he telling me this? Shouldn't he be talking to Desme? I'm so tired I don't really care where he goes to be honest. Just as long as he stops talking.

Narcissus is sitting quietly, or kneeling more like, back to me. His clothes are cleaner – I guess someone's managed to get close enough to change them. That gives me some hope, before I see his face.

He got worse.

Somehow, in the day that I was away, he's gotten skinnier. His cheekbones got even higher – or maybe there's just less skin to cover them – and there are lines under his eyes, stubble poking through his normally manicured shave. But it's his eyes that are the worst. They've gone from intense and violent to faded, eyelids heavy. A faraway look clings to his face. He's lost energy.

I don't say anything. I would, but I figure that Eubalus has already talked Narcissus half to death. Besides, there's nothing much I could say that wouldn't sound awkward or stupid – that twisted up feeling is back inside me. So… I sit beside him – slowly – as if not to startle a bird. Not that it matters anyway, he's in his own world.

He and I stay like that for a while. I have to shift under a tree because the Sun moves and my skin's been sensitive to Her lately. I'm half asleep when I hear a whisper. For an awful second I think its Her – before I remember that She doesn't exist anymore, that She's dead and gone. §

It's actually coming from the lake.

I sit up. It's Narcissus. He's doing that thing where he looks over the water and talks to himself again – like he was on the boat the first time I met him. Like he's been doing near nonstop for the past few days.

'Why show me? Why show me these things? I know them already. You know them. You want to remind me, why? There's nothing there, nothing there anymore. She's gone. Isn't she?'

A sort of icy dread leaks under my skin. It's weird… he's the same but not. Where've I seen that before…

Shut up, I don't want to think about Dad right now.

'Gone. Does… does she matter? Nothing but an echo, nothing but an echo.'

The ice gets stronger. I'm so sick of watching people slowly go mad. So instead I creep up, trying to move closer without making a sound. I want to hear more. I need to know what's so powerful in there that he can't escape.

'Who are you? What do you want?'

His words change tone, not the crooning whisper he uses for himself but words with an angry edge.

'You've been following me. Why?'

I stop where I am. Is he talking to me? …No, he carries on staring into space, into some person's eyes that I can't see.

Narcissus

'You've been following me. Why?'

The figure shrinks into the trees, thick foliage nearly rendering them invisible. I'm probably scaring them, but do they know how creeped out I've been these past few days? It's bad enough having followers in daylight, but skulking around in the shadows now?

'Show yourself, or I swear I'll shoot you.'

I pull the bow from my back. I'm not actually planning on shooting anyone: this isn't even my bow, and I have no arrows. Still, it does the job, and the stalker steps into the light.

'Please, don't shoot!'

I'm not sure whether to be horrified or intrigued by the figure before me. She evidently isn't human – at least not fully. The only thing remotely humanic about her is her shape – and even that keeps shifting. Her pearly grey skin, striped with brown and green, changes texture like the lie of the land, some parts smooth and stone like, some parts craggy and sharp. Her hair – should I call it that? – sticks up from her head, viney and tangled. Her actions are fluid: her body seems to merge with the earth itself at points, shifting in and out of its form, bits of rock or bark or something flaking off as she moves. I nearly shudder in disgust, but I've seen worse. It occurs to me that she's an oread, a mountain nymph, the low-goddesses Meldrichon keeps going on about hunting down (and I don't mean for food).

Surprising as it is, I've never actually seen one.

Her large, dark eyes look up like a frightened deer, her voice trembling,

'I only wanted to see your face. I could see you were busy. I didn't want to disturb you. I couldn't help but follow though, I mean, you're beautiful – I'm sorry.'

She babbles like a brook. I have nothing to fear here, just another besotted nuisance. I let the bow rest on my back once more, moving a sweaty lock of hair from my eyes.

'I get that a lot. Now that you have seen my face, please stop following me.' I state bluntly, before turning back on my journey. I have more important people to see: the only reason I'm on this gods forsaken mountain is for the chance to meet Him again. A rumble erupts suddenly from the ground in front of me. She appears from the rocks, half scaring me to death.

'I'm sorry, I really am. I didn't mean to disturb you. It's just amazing. Of all the sights you see up here, and all the landscapes beneath the earths surface. Never one so beautiful as you. I didn't mean to scare you.'

'You don't scare me,' I deny,

'You're just annoying. I need to be somewhere. Excuse me.'

I'm trying to be polite, but I'm fast getting impatient.

'Oh. I didn't mean to be annoying then.'

I walk on. She stays where I leave her this time, her doe eyes probably watching after me. I turn back, she's disappeared. I think she's gone. Finally.

'Where are you going?'

My fists clench, I'm about to chase her away with another threat -

'Are you looking for that cave?'

I freeze. How did she know?

'I've been following you for a while,' she admits, seeing my expression, 'I know it's bad. You chased me, remember. I was more shy then. Not so now.'

So it was her. The one who blocked the light, scared Him away.

I have half a mind to punch her with my still clenched fist, but instead I let out a sigh. She carries on.

'I know you don't want me to follow you. But I think I can help. That is if you want help. You have to get there fast right?'

'As soon as possible,' I concede. If she's going to follow me I might as well get some use out of her. She smiles, a wide grin, it spreads to her eyes, twinkling like gleeful crystals. She makes a quick gesture, then disappears back into the earth, appearing a few metres on. I follow her steadily. She leads me through a grove of thick trees, and it's only once I'm surrounded on all sides by green that it occurs to me I shouldn't have put all my trust in a stalkerish nymph.

A sigh of relief escapes me when we come to the familiar dark rock, and I nearly stumble into an opening in the ground. I hear water bubbling from inside the cavern.

'We're here!' She states proudly in a sing song voice.

'Thank you,' I mutter mutinously, 'now please leave me alone.'

Her pale grey cheeks darken brown slightly – I swear she's blushing. With a giggle that sounds like a small hiccup, she melts back into the rocks. I double check she's gone, then slide myself down through the rocky entrance, praying to Aphrodite and Zeus and all the rest that He's actually home.

Icarus

His words fade in and out of his mouth, like talking in his sleep. But occasionally he says something I get. He's asking someone to leave him alone, maybe his reflection? No. Probably not.

Nothing but an echo.

Hm…

'You're here again. It's not even your shift.'

'Shh!' I hush Eliana but it makes no difference. Narcissus stopped talking ages ago. I guess I just liked the quiet.

'Don't shush me. It's not like he'll notice.'

'Mm.'

'I've been thinking about what Ma said,'

'Yeah?'

'How we can get Narcissus to repent.' Eliana kneels next to me under the tree. Her usual basket of food looks emptier. She catches me looking.

'Margarites won't allow any more. Says it won't get eaten anyway, so there's no point in waste.'

'Right.'

She unpacks the basket and moves towards the water. I wait awkwardly for a few moments whilst she attempts, then fails to feed Narcissus.

'I don't think it's gonna work,' I finally break the silence.

'What do you want me to do, shove it down his throat? He vomited last time we – '

'No, I mean the whole repenting thing. I mean, it was Aphrodite that cursed him. Dunno what rules your mum's god goes by, but even I know that when you're cursed by an Olympian, its over.'

She gives me a look then.

'So you've given up already?'

Here we go.

'I don't know about you Icarus, but I'm always willing to try. It's how my Ma and I got by for so long on basically nothing. That and God's grace. So, you will shut your mouth and listen to my plan, because I'm going to cure that curse and get that physician by any means necessary. And maybe save Narcissus too.'

She smirks at that, taking a bite out of the ignored roll. I give a weak smile back. She takes that as a cue to carry on talking, mouth still half full.

'As I was saying before, what makes people feel sorry for what they've done?'

'Uh, pain?' I guess.

'Yes...' she waves her hand, looking for more.

'Lot's of pain? Physical agony? Psychological agony? Like, torture?'

'…Icarus, where are you going with this?'

I shrug. Just answering the question.

'I mean, you were onto something though. The most pain a person can have is mental. And one of the worst forms is guilt.'

'Or betrayal. Or love. Those hurt too,' I murmur, a sort of bitter taste in my mouth.

'Yes, but love is what got him in this mess in the first place, and I don't see how betrayal could help us here. The question is, how do we get through to Narcissus, make him feel guilty enough to repent and convince whatever god that's cursed him that he's changed his ways forever?'

As if he's heard us, Narcissus starts talking to air again, invisible people giving him conversations far more worthy of his time than us apparently. I'm sorry, that was harsh. He stops as suddenly as he started. Eliana's frowning, trying to figure something out,

'What is that, that thing he does? Who is he talking to?'

'Eubalus says it's madness. Nonsense.'

'Yes well, I'm not interested in his diagnosis unless its about my Ma.' She pauses,

'What do you think it is?'

Me? Why would my opinion matter over a professional's?

'You are with him the most, so you should know.' Eliana reasons, as if she's read my mind.

'Um… I think he's talking to his reflection. That's what it sounds like. Most of the time. Sometimes though, it's different people, different times, almost like… dreams.'

I think back a couple months ago,

'I used to get something similar. When I was… ill. Still do sometimes. I think they're like, flashes of his life he's re-living. Like one time, I think he was talking to his parents. I don't know who he's talking to now though.'

We both fall silent then, having nothing more to say and nothing more to listen to apart from Narcissus muttering to himself.

Narcissus

She's here again.

Echo, she said was her name.

I don't see her, but I feel her, smell her earthy presence and the click click of her flinty joints. I've already tried throwing things at her. She always disappears before they hit her. She stopped talking to me though, which provided some peace. Or so I thought.

Now she's a silent stalker, which is somewhat worse. Stays behind the treeline until I tread the path she showed me once. She never comes to the cave though, which is a small blessing. It's like He protects me from the likes of her. Not that I need protecting, but it's nice to know He cares.

I'm here again.

Every time His face gets more beautiful than the last. I speak softly, greet him with that smile he loves so well. He always smiles back, ten times brighter than the one I give. I used to talk a lot, ask him questions. How did you get here, is this your home? Are you a water sprite? A cursed soul? One thought occurred to me that he was a siren, taking the shape of a man to lure me to my death. I pushed it away quickly, shuddering at the thought of my love being a hideous monster. I stopped asking questions after that, now I just take in the sight of Him in blissful silence.

No, wait.

Something's not right.

You look paler today, more distant. Something the matter?

Without warning a stone drops in the spring, hitting my love square in the forehead. Ripples fan out – he's gone –

I move back – look up to where the stone came from. There, across the spring! The giggling childish brat, I ought to rip the vines from her skull. She thinks this is a game? That this is funny? It's not!

'What are you playing at?' I yell, the cave swallowing my words. Her grin falters, she stutters back,

'P-playing.'

'Why can't you just leave me alone? Don't you have anyone else to go irritate?'

'Just…alone. Don't… have anyone else.'

Why is she talking so strangely? My anger is stayed slightly by curiousity.

'You're alone here? All the more reason to get lost! Go somewhere else, go find some other nymphs to play with.'

She stays silent. Doesn't move.

'What are you, stupid? Get out!'

Not a sound.

'By Hera, I swear you're a curse upon me.'

She melts down into the earth then, only to materialise on this side of the spring. Damn nymph must have a death wish.

'Hera…curse… me,' she sounds desperate and clinging. As if following my every move wasn't enough, she's hanging off my every word –

'Hera, curse, me.'

-using them as her own. She gesticulates wildly at herself, her mouth, tears in her eyes. She's gone mad for the love of me, so besotted she can't even speak her own words anymore.

'Oh, how pathetic. Look where you've gotten yourself,' I drawl, the situation beyond irritating now to the point of being almost hilarious,

'That's what you get I suppose. Do you know how infuriating it is having people follow me everywhere? Then here, the one place I can have some peace, you show up. At least they had the dignity of using their own words though. Out of all the nuisances I've known, you're the most pitiful thing I've ever seen.'

'Own words… pitiful,' she parrots, crying harder, it's getting tiresome. Her brow suddenly creases, and she points to me,

'You… follow me! You show up… here!'

Me? Follow her? I'm not going anywhere else with this-

Oh, this suddenly makes more sense.

'That's ridiculous. I don't come here to see you. I come here to see one who is much more beautiful. No one could compare, especially not the likes of you!'

She looks confused at that. She barks frustratedly,

'Ridiculous… no one here! Just… me!'

'Oh, but there is, you're just too stupid to see it. He probably stays away from you because you're so annoying. It's probably why everyone stays away from you.'

She looks hurt. Good. Maybe she'll think twice before coming near me again.

'It's sad, really. I almost feel sorry for you. You'd be better off if you didn't exist, your life just seems so pointless.'

Her mouth flails. Great, now she can't say anything, can't steal my words away. I begin to walk off, pull myself out of the cave into daylight. I can return to Him another day when there aren't such pests around. I check behind me. She hasn't followed me, she hasn't even left the cave yet. I feel sorry for leaving him alone in there, but I know my love is elusive and entirely capable of defending himself if need be.

It's only when I'm amongst the trees I hear a deep rumble, accompanied by an ear-piercing shriek, like no earthly sound I've ever heard before. The ground shakes slightly, before an eerie silence fills the air.

I pause.

Breathe.

Run back the way I came.

There are more rocks than I remember, a fresh landslide, thick dust fills the air. The entrance in the ground is completely blocked.

My chest tightens as I scramble around the other side, searching frantically for the entrance I discovered first. There's the wide mouth of the cave. Completely collapsed. Filled in with rocks. Fingers scramble at the carnage, nails splintering and bleeding, I don't care, I need to, I need to rescue him, I need to –

But I can't. Nothing budges.

His tomb is sealed.

A scream escapes my throat, he's gone, the only one I ever felt anything for, gone. All because of her, that echo of nothing. She did this to me, did it on purpose!

I'll kill her! I'll hunt the bitch down and then –

Did it on purpose?

Did that on purpose?

Why would she… she never left the cave. She never left.

She… killed herself.

Did she die?

My words killed her. They must have. Like they did Aminias. I see it now. I see it…

You were fine though. You escaped. Now I know why. We escaped it together. I was so relieved. You came back to me. She never did. Only in echoes… Why now though, why now? These things don't matter anymore, do they.

Do they?

Icarus

'Have… you… seen any… caves yet? Gah…'

'…Do you need a break?'

Alright, so I'm nearly collapsed breathless on the side of this hill. Doesn't mean I'm not fit though. I've just never walked so much in my life, far less climbing.

'Nah, it's fine. I'm… good.'

'And we're not even halfway.'

'What?'

She laughs, stopping by a rock to let me catch up.

'Dareios said that the nearest caves are along the north-west side of the woods, at the base of these mountains,' she gestures to our right, before her voice and arms curl up in worry,

'I've been thinking,'

'You've… always… been thinking.'

'You're sure about this? That this person exists?'

I nod, still breathing too hard to talk normally.

'I… remember,' I finally get my words back,

'It wasn't just a hallucination he had. Narcissus told me once about a nymph called Echo. Said he didn't remember many people, but he remembered her. That must mean she's special.'

Elli frowns,

'Are you sure she's not dead?'

'I don't know.' I admit, 'he thinks she died. But if she's really an oread, she could have survived, right? That's probably just his guilt talking. Guilt we can use!'

Elli's face remains cool,

'That would be great, but going by such logic, how can we be sure she's still there? She might have caved herself in, but she could escape anytime if she wanted to.'

'Well… she might still be in the area at least. If she was that in love with Narcissus, she might not have left, might be waiting for him to come back or something.'

Even I don't sound convinced. Elli rubs her eyes,

'Maybe we should have thought this through more…'

'Bit late to say that now we're here,' my arms open out to the landscape. I keep them there for a bit, it feels nice to stretch out here, in the cooler air.

'Bye Icarus,' I hear footsteps crunching away.

'Hey, wait!'

'Ugh. I swear we've been walking for hours.'

'We have.'

'We've found at least five caves.'

'Yes.'

'A lot of bugs.'

'Yes.'

'But still no mountain nymphs.'

'I am aware of this. Maybe they live higher up?'

I give Eliana a death glare. I'm not climbing any more. She laughs at my face.

'It's not funny. At this rate we'll never get anywhere.'

'Hey, I want to find this Echo as much as you. Narcissus isn't the only one whose life hangs on this. But I'm not moping about it, am I?'

'Yeah well, you don't have blisters.'

'Baby.'

She moves to stand on the latest rocky outcrop we've found, shielding her eyes from the sun as she scouts the landscape. She'll never see anything from there.

'Maybe you should get higher?'

'Why don't you do it? You're the man. Technically I shouldn't even be out here.'

I point to my shiny, sore, red feet. She rolls her eyes at me and starts to climb. I find myself staring, then quickly look down so I don't see up her shortened skirt. The ground here looks a bit different from the rest of the path, the rocks darker and the dirt more chunky, as if they just got dug out of the mountainside.

'Argh!'

My head snaps up as a yell rings out.

'Elli?'

She's nowhere to be seen.

I scramble up to the place she was standing. Instead of ground, there's a huge, gaping hole.

'Elli! Elli are you alright?'

Silence, then –

'Icaru- ack! Argh, I think – I… my leg - I broke my leg!'

Panic fills me,

'Are you sure? Elli? Eliana!'

Silence. Then…

Laughter fills the space below me. Suddenly a hand grabs my ankle and before I know it, I'm sliding on my butt into darkness.

Narcissus

You don't understand.

You look at me with laughter in your eyes and don't even grace me with words. Just my own memories, spat back at me.

You mock me.

You don't understand the things I would do to be with you. Why do you insist on staying apart for so long? We belong together, you are a part of me and without you I can't be Us.

You are stubborn. You're a stubborn coward.

You don't deserve happiness. I bet you do this with everyone don't you? Entice every person who comes by you, scorn their efforts, don't even give them a chance, don't even consider the fact that they're individuals and they have feelings they can't control.

Have you even felt love? Ever? Do you know what this is like?

I don't want to feel this way. But you leave me with no choice. I never asked for this.

When I was a child in my mother's womb, being knitted together by the Fates' cruel and twisted fingers, did I ask for beauty, wealth or fame? No. I was but an ignorant baby. I asked for nothing in the darkness, I asked for nothing. I never asked to be born, especially not in such a hateful body.

You don't see that though. You only see me. Me and my begging and pleading and stupid stupid words, just words that mean nothing and do nothing.

I've tried. Do you know how hard I've tried? I've given up everything. The money, the world, they do not matter. No more, they are nothing. Nothing to me. I've left behind everything I never asked for, everything I was blessed and cursed with. I would even tear the skin off my face, my accursed face, if I could, but I know it would destroy you too.

And I can't hurt you. I can't even touch you.

I'm ready to die. I'm ready to die to be with you. When you called, I answered without question, dropped everything and ran to you like a long-lost bride to her husband. And you turned me away. You've left me here alone on the ground, in the dirt and I don't know, I don't know how to do anything anymore I can't stop thinking about you. I've lost the will to function, to eat or breathe or talk I don't know, I can't, all there is this desire, this hunger, this need to be with you, and its agonizing and you don't care! You don't care! You never cared, this is just a game to you isn't it? I'm just a game, just game, just an animal you can trap and snare and chase and toy with and let go but you won't you're driving me in circles you tormentor!

Curse you! Curse you! You bastard!

You…

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it. I didn't…

I just want this to end. Can't this end already?

Can't we just finish?

Icarus

My eyes don't need to adjust to the dim light for me to know that Eliana is laughing her head off. Her stupid trick nearly made my heart die, not to mention I'm bleeding from scraping the rocks. I'm about to yell at her for the really hard landing, but all my words are gone.

This place is beautiful, tiny streams of sunlight swimming through cracks in the rocks above. A musical sound comes from behind, something cold and wet laps at my side. I look behind. Water bubbles from some unseen fountain into the clearest pool I've ever seen. My own eyes stare back up at me. They widen in realisation.

'This is the place. Eliana, this is it!'

'lianaa…it…iii..'

'Well, no shit, Odysseus.'

'…sseus… eu…'

As if someone hushed us, we both shut up. Our words bounce off the cave walls like a punch off a face.

'That's weird.' I speak quietly, 'usually only larger places have echoes. The acoustics in here shouldn't be so deep.'

Elli looks at me like I'm speaking an alien language.

'It's simple physics. My… father taught me,' I mumble. A pain in my chest. Ignore it.

Eliana takes this in, chewing on her thoughts like she does. She suddenly turns away from me, head tilting to the rocky sky. Words come out clear and loud.

'Hello? Is anyone here?'

A pause.

'…ello…heere…'

Cold creeps up my spine. Elli swallows, then calls again,

'We are looking for someone.'

We wait. And wait. Nothing. Nothing back at all.

'A mountain nymph. Her name is Echo.'

'…name… Echo…coo…'

This isn't right. The sound, it's got a life of it's own, picking and choosing words, like the sweetest grapes from the bowl. Not only that, but its suddenly not dead and empty, but full like a voice, with tone and expression, that knows all the ways to say words just not how to say them. Elli turns to me, grabbing my arm,

'It's her. We've found her.'

'…found…'

There's a smile on her face but something's wrong. It's that twisty feeling again. Elli doesn't notice, keeps talking like this is normal, not hesitating in the slightest,

'We've come to ask for your help.'

'…heel…p?'

This is Echo. The full weight of the situation hits me.

'We need you to come with us, if you will?'

She's the one who loved Narcissus so much that she lost her words, the one strong enough to call on the powers of the earth…

'You knew a man once.'

And obsessed enough that she hasn't left this cave ever since. I don't know, but I'm thinking maybe, just maybe –

'You loved him greatly.'

– she isn't the sanest of people.

The air breaks. Something becomes heavier in it. Colder, like suddenly being pulled underwater.

'His name is – '

'Eliana! Don't!'

But it's too late. The whole cave shudders, rocks tumble down from piles and splash in the water beside us. A harsh hissing sound fills the air, water soaks my feet. I look down. A face, moon silver and filled with white hot rage flashes in the ripples before all the light is blocked out from the sky and the world above. In the darkness –

'Argh!'

'Eliana!'

– I feel the water pooling around my ankles, rising. I stumble, stuttering in the dark wetness –

'Elli?'

Not again not again not this not again –

'Elli where are you? Where'd you go? Eliana!'

'I'm fine.'

She's close and warm and drier and calm –

'Don't panic. We need to get out!'

But the water's rising fast, past my knees now and there's stuff falling all over our faces, rocks and dust and its taking the air away –

– she's coughing, I'm coughing, we're going to die here, in this cave –

'The wall!'

– dust spitting words –

'Climb!'

– water rising, rising, fingers bleeding into rocks and splinters of stones and pulling down more dust and climbing to a black solid sky –