Seventeen: Stay

Narcissus

Something touches me. At first it was you, Us, the earth, the air, sunlight and water. Life. Stillness.

Now though, something different touches me. Every moment its presence pulses, nearer, farther, nearer –

Usually I would ignore. Nothing but creatures and small, small, crawling, flying, buzzing things.

Once there was a larger buzzing thing. It was irritating, distracting – it hurt, the way it made so much noise, it hurt.

It hurt, the way I moved, it hurt my still limbs to break away and stop it from distracting me – Us. The scars are still there…

This one is different though. Familiar – but uncomfortable. I can't understand it.

One moment it's nurturing, warm and nourishing – must be another part of Us I think –

But no, it changes, starts buzzing with noise and jabbing –

But I can't move now. It would be agony. I can't move to stop it like I stopped the other nuisance.

I can't feel whether that's a good or a bad thing.

Something is wrong. Whenever it touches me, even in the warmth, something is wrong, something is, something is –

'I don't think you're – '

I don't –

think. I don't –

worthless.

I don't think –

I don't think you're worthless. I don't.

I need you.

There's something being pulled apart – from my, my …

Hand.

Finger.

Stem on skin –

What,

What?

Which is which – I can't remember who is who anymore.

Sunlight in a body wraps around myself. Separates me from – it feels nice - but it separates me from Us.

So quickly – no no no –

Go back.

Go back to your resting place, body of earth that moves as free as the wind and water and fire in a skin –

Go away.

I need to rest now.

Come and see me again. Later, later when I don't need to be Us.

Later.

Icarus

'You what?'

'You heard me. There is something in the water, don't you think? You feel it too?'

Eubalus lies opposite me in the bed that he's officially claimed now. I thought he'd be silent, or traumatised – Narcissus did try to strangle him to death. But he isn't, he's talking like nothing's happened.

'Why did you come here?'

He rests back on the sheets, his breathing rugged and red marks visible on his throat. His dark eyes pierce mine. Sunlight throws itself through the doorway and blinds me.

'Why did I come here?' I repeat back to the light. I barely make out a figure, head nodding slowly.

'I …'

I hesitate. Eubalus, he's weird, everyone thinks so. He takes his obsession with Narcissus to the next level. He's stayed with him day in day out, always talking, always getting way too close, not even remotely freaked out by the whole weird transformation thing. Just fascinated.

'I… needed to talk to someone who understood.'

I guess that's something we share in common. I realised that after the fourth day at the lake.

The sunlight's gone. A wry smile on a pale face replaces it.

'I see. It's nice to have some company that doesn't shun you. I'm grateful.'

'I'm not here for you.' I state, quicker than I can think it. He nods again.

'Of course. Neither of us are.'

No point hanging around talking about things that don't mean anything.

'I need to know what happened yesterday. What did you do that upset him so much?'

'Enough that he tried to rip my throat out with his bare hands you mean?' he's still smiling, staring into space, and there's a weird look on his face. Fear and… longing. Wouldn't surprise me if he enjoyed being strangled, if only to finally have Narcissus touch him like he's wanted so badly.

'Y-yeah.'

He pauses. I'm patient. He opens his mouth -

'Why do you need to know?'

Frustrating-

'I'm worried about him. I need to find a way to wake him up before its too late.'

'What do you mean by too late?'

'Look, if you keep asking me questions, Narcissus won't be the only one trying to rip your throat out.'

He's looking at me again. Shocked. More fear. I didn't say that out loud did I? Sorry.

'Sorry. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to –'

Why should I apologise?

And just like that my nerves are gone.

'Listen, I don't know if you've noticed, but Narcissus is dying. Fat lot of good you've done. Stupid physician, acting like you know shit when you don't.'

– I can't –

'He's cursed! He's always been cursed. Aphrodite cursed him, said he was too arrogant and selfish and made him fall in love with his own reflection the same way you and everyone else fell in love with him, you stupid, useless man! And… I'm even worse. I didn't want to tell anyone, thought I would do him a favour, save his reputation because he kept mine a secret… but that doesn't matter now cos he's as good as dead and none of us can do anything. Not like anyone even wants to – '

'His reflection.'

A solitary voice, sounds like its far away but its right in front of me. His lips are moving and it almost feels too quick for me to follow. It somehow shuts me up.

'I followed his gaze, before his vision went completely. Threw a stone in the lake. He shuddered. I touched him, nothing. I touched his image in the water… he threw a fit. Grabbed my neck and didn't let go until someone pulled him off.'

There's silence then…

There's no point in talking, he gave me what I want. I know what to do. Why am I still here?

'Eliana. You know her?'

His eyes don't move from the far away place.

'She's a serving girl in the household. Bright burning hair. Narcissus' favourite.'

A twitch from him. Jealous.

'Her mother is sick.'

Nothing.

'You're the island's only physician.'

'And?'

Finally, a response. Something new laces his voice now.

'What would I do for a family of slaves? How would they pay me?'

I see what sort of guy this Eubalus is now. The sort of guy that might lock an innocent child in jail, or throw his family from a rooftop if it meant it would give him an edge in life.

'Aphrodite rewards kindness,' I state, my voice feels lower,

'and we've already seen what she does to people who are only out for themselves.'

'You really think…'

But he doesn't finish his sentence. He shifts, uncomfortably, I bet that red mark on his neck is starting to itch, but he doesn't dare touch it.

'I have to eat,' a stuttering outburst,

'I have my own to take care of. I can't just give my time freely, or I would be both penniless and a footstool!'

I sigh. I could be mean. I could push it. But I won't. I'm not that good at manipulating. I grew up with someone who was, and it makes me feel sick inside just thinking about it.

'Here.'

A flash of gold. Small, heavy.

'This definitely covers the cost of treatment. For a lifetime if anything.'

The physician holds the ring in his palm. Stares at it. Like a red hot coal, he picks it up in his fingers and practically scrapes the metal with his eyes. Finally he stands, a jolt of lightning in a grey cloud, and scrambles to gather his things.

'I'll make sure they are well looked after.'

He mumbles, before running from the room, his sandals only half tied.

Narcissus

Finally

today

its today

we-

I can feel

Changing

we are.

sleeping and waking

we do neither now

not unless the cold season

its coming.

Aphrodite

the name of a goddess I cannot bear

but she gifted me, she did

she gave me this

I used to follow Artemis blindly to the moon and back

Then Aphrodite to the waters

And now I rest with Gaia –

I worship only her –

our everlasting union in the cool warmth of the earth

but for one.

It scorches, the sun, and one with it, one with it refuses to stop shining

a blade that pierces my long gone eyes

forces them to exist again

the boy Helios and his burned, crushed wings

He makes me want to fly to the sky in his heat

no I must rest peace in the earth –

I wandered once long ago

and we only cried

and shed others' tears for them

where there were none before

but now

no tears.

Except for him.

His tears are loud and they HURT.

Its unfortunate, I should like to calm them. Maybe he could join us?

It wouldn't work.

Well I must take my leave then –

But he won't let me.

It is like he burns on purpose

I didn't think he did, but then

but then

he wouldn't stop

he won't -

it rips – rips the green from my skin

the life –

gone –

what? - - nn- no-

NO -

oh gods –

oh gods

what the -

'Ica...rus?'

Don't.

don't save me.

stupid –

child

-you –

fuck –

no –

ruinous traitor you

get away

get away

leave us alone

we're fine

peaceful

you showed up

ruined everything

get away

I warn

No joke.

if you stay…

you must go.

you can't join.

'You... must go.'

go.

Icarus

You... you spoke! It's working...

What do I... what do I say? How do I...

'I...I'm not going anywhere. Stupid.'

Remember that day? Remember when you got me out of the water?

I do.

I can get you out of the water too.

'You can struggle all you like. You can't hurt me. You're nearly gone. Your body, limbs and eyes, all gone.'

You know this already. It's annoying you, deep down I know, its obvious, how much you treasure those things, how much you really love being yourself. Just being.

'I like it you know? Breathing. Moving. Sweating. Eating. Walking. But you can't do that. So you can't do anything to me.'

If you moved to shut up Eubalus then surely, surely…

The lake soaks into my clothes. Water that probably shouldn't be there. Cold and wet on my skin – in my skin, grasping onto me even when parts of me have risen out – its horrible – I hate the feel of water. I always imagined it felt different till I tried it, all around me –

Ignore it.

'You know its not all it's cracked up to be. You can turn into a plant if you want. You'll be beautiful still. Just completely helpless. And I'll stay here. Everyday. I'll come and taunt you. Wade round and round in the water. Until the day I die. Show you how I can move, show you my limbs and eyes, you won't see, or hear, but you'll feel, and you'll be jealous, you'll be jealous because you'll look pretty and all that but I'll be able to be beautiful in other ways. And you'll just be a flower. That'll die without letting anyone know anything more about you other than your prettiness.'

But you're letting me know something now, letting me know-

- I'm sinking –

letting me know you care

pulling –

you're angry

my feet –

twitching

in mud

dying to get out –

I feel your heat, your heart –

In the water –

I swear it's hotter

I see it then

I see everything

really see

and I feel sick, so sick

My stomach wants out of my mouth, my eyes hurt at the sight of you now, can't feel my feet, the lake floor I was standing on –

roots –

– pulling twisting from the mud between my toes and around my ankles and trying to break me I swear –

Is that you?

– my hands burn mouth dry and cracked and dead throat empty then cold so cold and wet –

I swear, the lake, sucking the life from me, pushing its way down my nose, lungs –

This was a bad idea.

Narcissus…?

Not so great now, is it? Moving. Come be still with us. You talk too much.

W…what am I doing here? What have you done?

Isn't it obvious.

I don't… understand.

You don't see things the way I see. Now you do. Now maybe we can rest.

What?

We can't stop unless you do. So stop already. Feel the earth.

Earth?

Oh…

This place feels familiar.

You've been before? Without us?

Yes. When we first met.

In the water?

In the water.

I remember.

The world of the half dead…

Even back then you seemed like a part of us.

I thought you were the Sun. I thought you came to save me.

I can save you now.

That would be... nice.

You're just as tired as we are. Stay.

I should go back –

To what? Them? There's nothing –

nothing for me out there. I know. Except for you.

I'm right here. I left that place long ago.

Maybe... I should stay then. So you're not lonely?

We're not lonely. You're the one that's lonely.

We can save you.

okay.

Echo

I sit alone, beneath a tree. A tree that's alone. Sleeping in it its roots, a blanket that warms in the dusk chill. Not the cold that bothers me. It's my heart that needs warming now. Trees are good for that. They give good hugs.

The child touched by Helios… he doesn't leave me.

Just like Him. The son of the river.

Neither leave me. They run around and play with my mind, even though their bodies are gone.

Their bodies are gone but I can feel them. They are speaking my language in words that don't exist.

Half dead.

Something pulses. From them, between them. Something I never had with Him.

They don't leave each other.

I have to see what I feel.

I'm away from my mountain now, travelling riverside. Down a creek, pools in a lake at the low place.

There they are, one rooted deep earthside, one floating deep waterside.

They're both in that place. They don't belong here. They're resting but they can't stay. Soon they'll be split, one cast to hades and one rooted here, forever. They'll never see each other again. Not cursed like this.

Why am I not happy? I wanted this.

I wanted His pain.

He needed to feel.

Does He feel now?

This way, He'll die peacefully. I don't want His death. I don't want His peace.

His living with love would be far more painful.

Not just His face anymore.

Now it's a whole other body.

A whole other person.

Could cause Him far more pain than I ever hoped.

Far more joy…

But not if they're both gone.

Deep there, He feels sorrow, He wouldn't let it happen otherwise.

Sorrow. Guilt? I don't know.

Regret, yes. But He can't stand to feel it anymore.

You let yourself fade away when you feel regret too much, I know.

But the boy didn't know.

Did he ever deserve…

Is it too late?

Aphrodite

I know I am low and cursed by your sister goddess.

I have no right to beseech to you.

But…

You acted on my behalf before, for the love you once bore me.

And now, they love. Even if it's yet unformed and unknown.

They love like I never could.

Love like that couldn't just die.

Death and curses shouldn't tear them apart, it happens too much.

Just once, it would be nice…

I think he's learnt. I want to see. Please? You must too.

I want to see more of this love.

I'm curious.

I forgive him.

I know I'm not the only one who needs to –

But is it enough?

Enough death.

Enough love lost.

Happiness in one place is better than happiness nowhere at all.

Please?

Please.