Chapter title is taken from Miiro.
II. The color of the sea
The hiatus was Minato's idea.
At the peak of summer even CiRCLE was booked from end to end. Minato and Sayo had both come earlier than scheduled. The collar of her shirt sticking uncomfortably to the neck, the lounge's sofa sinking to a level that would be bad for the back, together they perused separate music magazines in comfortable silence until Minato's voice grazed her ears. Minato's voice could fill a concert hall unaided if she wanted to. She could also pitch her voice so that it was as if she was whispering directly into Sayo's ear.
It took Sayo several seconds to process her words. "I beg your pardon?"
Minato repeated, "We, as Roselia, should enter hiatus after graduation," as though she was merely discussing the date for their next rehearsal. But the glint in her eye was one Sayo hadn't seen in a long time. As far back as when they were trying to take stock of each other, excited to discover a like mind, wary of stumbling into an irreconcilable difference.
Sayo wondered if she should have sensed something was wrong, like phases coming out of sync, that she couldn't return the same look. She felt a detached sort of wariness that couldn't even be blamed on the summer heat sapping her energy. "If you think it is good for the band," she replied evenly.
"Would I have proposed it otherwise?"
Neither said anything more as Shirokane and Udagawa arrived, a bit winded from running. And not much more was said on the subject unless it was in this manner. A passing fancy, your bored little sister daydreaming of summer vacation in the southern islands. And each time Sayo would answer the same way. And like that, talks about the hiatus ceased with the end of summer, and the return of school life.
The second term saw an increased responsibility for all of them. Shirokane's student committee work kept her at school longer. She looked frazzled all the time; and strangely she seemed to stand up straighter compared to their second year. Udagawa whined tearfully (but not seriously, Sayo thought) of struggling to adjust to the pace of high school. Even Minato had to concede she might have needed to allocate less time to practice and more to studying.
Sayo busied herself with learning English, and more solo guitar practice for the audition as well. Obtaining permission from her parents to at least send an application for studying abroad was surprisingly easy. In some light, they could be seen as being supportive.
Sayo had broached the subject one evening toward the end of summer holidays. It was one of the rare dinner where everyone was present from beginning to end. Hina was quiet, glancing at Sayo every so often as though she knew Sayo was working up a nerve. Once she was done, Father had just one question. The wrinkles on his brow deepening, he asked, "Does it have to be America?"
"After some research, I have narrowed it down to this one school. I will still take the national exams and proceed with my initial plans. For now America is only a means to evaluate myself as a musician."
Mother clicked her tongue. "We didn't raise you to be wishy-washy. Either you mean to graduate with the degree or don't apply at all."
Sayo lowered her head, chastised. "Even so, there is the matter of cost to consider. There are scholarships available that will cover at least one year of tuition fees and some living costs, provided that I am selected for one, but past that I must depend on your generosity."
Her parents looked at each other in spousal telepathy. Into this silence Hina said, "Okay! I'll send you all of my earnings!" In hindsight, Hina staying silent the entire time the discussion played out over dinner was a miracle.
Mother quickly admonished her. Apparently part of their ceasefire agreement was that Hina would prove she could live by herself, and provide for herself, and sustain a long-term career. So reminded, Hina said, "whoops" and went back to the sidelines.
As for Sayo, Mother's one question was, "What about your band — Roselia, is it?"
Is it just like any other bands Sayo had joined in the past, to be abandoned once they were of no use to her? Mother might not have known the full extent of Sayo's extracurricular activities, but apparently nothing escaped her sharp eyes. It was like looking at an adult Hina, sometimes. And like Hina, maybe all she wanted to see was Sayo's resolve. So she tried to explain. Rather than leaving Roselia, it was for Roselia that Sayo would consider leaving Japan at all. To challenge and hone herself, reaping knowledge outside of her original sphere of influence, all for the sake of reaching a greater height.
Once again her parents communed in silence. Then Father said, "Let's continue this when you have the acceptance letter in hand." He had a peculiar look. Sayo knew it well, it was one usually directed at Hina. A look full of all the hopes and dreams that were a parent's right, and a curse on the lesser children.
"Well, I've never met your parents, but I'm sure they'd still support you even if Hina also wanted to go to uni abroad?"
"They would," Sayo conceded reluctantly. Unconsciously her gaze drifted to the door in case Hina felt like barging into her room. Her voice was maybe even lower than usual. Somewhere at the back of her head she wondered if she wasn't treating Imai like a garbage bin for her Hina woes. And she had originally picked up her phone for a different purpose, too. "I suppose they would, although not without a little more resistance to the abroad part. But I…"
But her gut smoldered at the thought of getting Hina's leftover, and also at herself, for falling into the same petty jealousy again. "… But I'm just looking for an excuse to be envious of Hina. I'm sorry you had to listen to something unseemly."
"I mean, I don't think you should beat yourself up over it either. Baby steps, Sayo! It's good that you recognized what you were doing."
Sayo cleared her throat. "Yes, yes, I'll keep that in mind. But I was calling about something else. Would you mind, if you have the time, if it's not inconvenient, to have a session together? It doesn't have to be very long. I… need a second opinion."
On the repertoire meant for the audition for the American school, though Sayo wondered if Imai caught all that through her babbling. Over the phone she had no access to Imai's all-revealing expression. Was she shocked or annoyed? Or even laughing after muting her line so Sayo wouldn't hear. The other side was silent for longer than necessary. Was it so outrageous?
"I'm sorry, if it's too much trouble — "
"N-not at all! It's just, it's usually Yukina's domain, and I'm not sure what else I can add after her."
Oh. So it was insecurity, Imai's newfound bandmate. Sayo felt like an idiot for jumping to conclusions. And again as she floundered for the right response, finally arriving at, "Imai-san, I'm asking you, not Minato-san. Your opinion is invaluable to me." For one, while Imai was capable of producing something Minato might approve, she didn't necessarily have Minato's ear for music, maybe even the opposite. Of Roselia, but not completely subsumed under Roselia was the distinction Sayo was going for. It seemed more appropriate.
"Oh, uh, thanks, I guess, this is the first time anyone's — anyway! Can I ask you something else?" Sayo made an affirmative noise. "Are you somehow not going to tell Yukina about your plan?"
"No, because there is no plan at the present. As long as I do not have the admission offer in hand, it remains a slim probability that does not merit Minato-san's attention. Rest assured, I will consult her when the time comes to make a choice."
"Okay, I trust you. Sorry if I'm being a nag. It's not that I think Yukina would react badly to being the last to know, I'm just worrying too much over nothing, you know?"
She did know: even on an indefinite timeout, Imai had only ever had eyes for Minato. "Thank you for your concern, but Minato-san will be fine."
Days turned into weeks into months. Sayo studied and practiced, practiced and studied. Roselia still held live performances and rehearsals apace. For want of time Sayo gave up her prime position in the kyuudo club's line up for the nationals. Her life seemed to have narrowed down to studying and guitar. Sayo couldn't honestly say she hated it, maybe even the opposite, but she did breathe easier when she finally had the audition for her abroad option. With one looming checkpoint crossed off, she could focus on her remaining responsibilities.
For one reason or another, it included making sure Minato would pass the national exams as well as the extra tests for the private schools she was considering. At first Minato seemed to be humoring her, agreeing to study sessions together with Shirokane. She even agreed on Sayo's hard rule of no discussion of music, and suffered her haranguing to study more often.
…Up to a point. One afternoon in Shirokane's library, Sayo caught Minato daydreaming one too many time, and as such might have chided her a little too harshly. Just a little. "Minato-san, if only you'd give this problem set the attention you'd give to our regular rehearsals, we would be finished much faster."
Minato put down her pencil and glared. "Sayo, aren't you trying too hard to be like Lisa?"
Sayo's first thought was that being Imai, being in the same class as and living next door to Minato would help immensely with getting Minato ready for the exams. But noting the venom with which Minato had said the name, she only inclined her head. "…Yes, Minato-san?"
Minato faltered for a second. Then apparently deciding Sayo was making fun of her, she said, "I don't know why I agreed to this farce, I can study well on my own."
Before either could stop her, Minato had packed her stuff and thanked Shirokane for having her over. She seemed to be back to her normal, aloof self as she said, "I'll see you at practice tomorrow… Sayo."
Sayo nodded absently, still preoccupied with Minato's accusation. Obviously Minato was annoyed by what she saw as nagging. But the comparison to Imai was unexpected. Rather revealing, too, so much so that even Shirokane felt compelled to comment on it. "I think Yukina-san meant… y-you are a caring person by nature… although maybe it's more… exercised after joining Roselia… and meeting Imai-san and Yukina-san…"
Imai had made the same observation. Then as now, Sayo couldn't deny it. "That might very well be true. And you've become a lot more assertive after joining Roselia, even up to taking over the leadership of the student council. It appears that Roselia comes with beneficial side effects for all of us."
For all but Imai, Sayo thought ruefully. But maybe for Imai it had always been the other way around. The side benefit was making music, the main pursuit — whatever it was — was unobtainable. And with such differing priorities, parting was inevitable, even the only logical conclusion. It made for a rather pat story, which made it doubtful to be true in Sayo's eye.
Shirokane ducked her head. "… I'm grateful to everyone… and I'd have liked to see it continue, but…"
"Yes?"
Shirokane looked at her hands. "I… like the piano, Hikawa-san. I like music… if possible, I'd like to spend the majority of my time… and make it my chief occupation… so in other words, I… want to be a pro musician. One way or another. If possible I'd like it to be with Roselia, but… it doesn't have to be."
"I think I understand," Sayo said. "I'll admit to entertaining a similar aspiration, although I wouldn't claim it's the same as yours."
"It doesn't have to be at exactly the same level… But as long as everyone is dedicated, we can overcome our… individual differences. I believe… that is Yukina-san's policy."
Sayo thought about it for a moment. "I'm sorry, Shirokane-san, I'm afraid I don't understand. Is this somehow still related to Imai-san?"
Saying that, it occurred to her she should probably keep a closer watch on the other members'… feelings. Where before Sayo would have gladly held the door open for any member who were unhappy with the way the band was running, now she conceded it would be annoying to constantly search for new members when they — Minato and Sayo — could've made small adjustments instead.
And back to Shirokane. Yes, it had to do with Imai-san. "I think Yukina-san truly believed Imai-san… had betrayed her trust… had wormed her way into Roselia and toyed with Yukina-san's expectations especially… and left when she had gotten tired of the game."
Sayo couldn't help raising her eyebrows at this. "That would be, pardon my words, damned obtuse of her to not recognize Imai-san's dedication prior to the accident, and after, the angst that had driven her to quit."
(Although Sayo would realise much later that much of said angst had been hidden, and only bared to Sayo — and only Sayo? — as a result of her relentless pursuit.)
"I agree. Which is why… between her hurt and what she thinks she's seen… I think Yukina-san is doubting her judgement of character. I'll be glad to be wrong. But Hikawa-san, it might still be good to… avoid pushing Yukina-san's button."
What could be a good enough reason to stay? Like, Shirokane had said, or love, or the kind of zeal Minato had toward music, or even Udagawa's obsession with coolness. Things Sayo couldn't say she understood. Originally her last, desperate way out Hina's shadow, the guitar had since occupied a greater territory in her. Riffs sneaked on her while waiting for the train; practice became an extra incentive to get through homework; and, as Chisato had pointed out mischievously, her fingers twitched in specific patterns when she was bored. Music had taken root deep inside her, but Sayo couldn't tell the shape of its outward growth yet. She could only say that she wanted to see it in its peak form. And with the guitar, the most efficient path toward the highest of heights was turning it into a career. Love, or passion, or any other emotions had nothing to do with it.
Imai Lisa: no but normally that's what people mean when they say they liked something. more than like, really, at least love, even obsession. it sounds just about that intense. okay maybe it's a balanced kind of obsession for you
Hikawa Sayo: Normally?
Three dots danced where a reply should be. Imai was taking her time answering. Only then did Sayo wonder if sending a philosophical question around bedtime was a good idea. Imai occasionally fished for Sayo's dissection of the latest song she'd heard, so Sayo'd figured she didn't have an aversion to it. Thankfully before she could fret too long a reply did appear.
Imai Lisa: shouldn't have said normally in the first place, sorry. I'm speaking as someone on the outside looking in, that's all. like as one of the unwashed masses I figured musicians who don't at least love music must be incredibly masochistic. But what does Yukina think about it?
What indeed. Minato-san misses you, was the indelible truth, but pettiness held her back. And anyway it might be too early to fire that shot. Another, Shirokane-san is becoming more proactive and dependable in your absence, as you've predicted, was also true, but counterproductive to Sayo's purpose. She went with answering the question as read.
Hikawa Sayo: To Minato-san it's an essence mere words could not contain and only music itself can express to satisfaction. Although perhaps she didn't say it in so many words.
Imai Lisa: esoteric answers only need reply eh
No stickers or kaomoji accompanied the cryptic text. Maybe she'd hit a nerve? As Sayo puzzled whether she should make the shot, the next message hit her like a bucket of cold water. It could only be read as a dismissal.
Imai Lisa: don't take this the wrong way, but is everything okay? you don't usually just start chatting out of the blue. I mean I don't mind but you can just tell me if you need anything.
Hikawa Sayo: I don't need anything from you.
Hikawa Sayo: But if you have the time, next Saturday we'll have our last show of the year. Minato-san would be happy to see you in the audience.
As quickly as Sayo had hit the send button before she could curb her impulse, as instantly as the read indicator appeared, the answer flashed on screen without delay.
Imai Lisa: Sorry, I'm on shift that night. But you have fun, okay? Don't forget to smile! It's kinda late, so good night too.
Caught somewhere between disappointed, ashamed, and relieved at once, Sayo scrolled up to the earlier part of the conversation, coming back to her original problem.
If passion was a good enough reason to stay, then a lack of it was surely a good enough reason to quit. Imai had initially claimed to be in Roselia solely for Minato — and taking her at face value, Sayo had kept a close watch, anticipating the moment she would become a liability. The sentimental ones always did. Thus more than anyone Sayo witnessed: the more difficult the piece, the more Imai struggled, the more tempestuous her performance — the brighter her shine on the stage, and the more intense Roselia's sound. No, Sayo didn't think she had fallen short of it, even if it wasn't necessarily an inherent passion.
But what was passion when time itself was against her? Certainly time had been her official excuse in the end. There was also a matter of the heart that Sayo didn't understand — that she suspected Imai herself didn't fully understand.
At least, until Sayo heard PasuPare's newest song. Even blurred by idol fripperies, music couldn't lie. Of all things Imai could have written, it was a song about youthful folly set to a pastiche of Roselia's numbers. Imai's supposed best friend had come away with the conclusion she had looked down on Roselia. And Sayo… Sayo remembered the sting of a broken hand striking her face, and later the same hand desperately seeking hers. Any warm body would do, Sayo had understood, any solid presence who wouldn't vanish the moment she wasn't needed. So she had given her hand, and promised to honor Imai's choice. All without truly understanding the nature of that choice…
Her phone flashed with a message from Udagawa.
Udagawa Ako: Sayo-san! I've finished my part, please give it a listen when you have the time!
Hikawa Sayo: Thank you, Udagawa-san. But next time please don't stay up too late.
Udagawa Ako: Oops, sorry, did I wake you up?
Hikawa Sayo: You did not, but regardless, tomorrow is still a school day, and your health is still important.
Udagawa Ako: Ok, ok, I get it, sorry! But I finally summoned wisdom of the abyss and I just gotta send it to you! If you could please give it a listen before Yukina-san hears it that'd be great! Ok good night Sayo-san see you tomorrow at rehearsal!
Sayo sighed and shook her head. Her head felt considerably lighter when she crawled into bed. If Imai were here, she'd say, Dumbass, why worry about the one who's left instead of the ones who remain?
"You first, Imai-san," Sayo mumbled seconds before falling asleep.
