IV. The goodbye was yours

For the second time that night Sayo stood on an elevated platform in complete darkness and silence, staring ahead at Minato's slender back. Waiting for her to begin, suppressing a shiver from the cold. As a show this must seem silly: a one-act play of Minato throwing a cat doll straight at Imai's window to summon someone who might not even be home. Then Sayo remembered this was Minato and Imai's childhood play, and felt intrusive besides.

The doll bounced against the window. Sayo counted the seconds until Imai emerged. She stepped over the doll as though it was an explosive. Her gaze bounced between the two and settling on Minato, who had stepped forward. She looked at Sayo pointedly, taunting, watch this. With a sonorous voice — her stage voice — she said, "Lisa! I know you still practice the bass. I know you're writing more songs than you ever have for Roselia."

That caught Sayo's attention, and caused her to miss Imai's reply. That there were more in addition to PasuPare's commission — and that Sayo had to hear it from a third party. That Minato knew more than Sayo.

Minato continued, "… that you're keeping up in addition to school, work, and whatever other distractions you get into. You've always been reliable. I have always depended on you, maybe too much. And I know in return I wasn't there when you needed me, that I always take you for granted."

Imai clutched at the railing, the light from her room casting a shadow on her smile. "It's fine. I must've been overbearing most of the time."

"Maybe so, but all the same I could also stand to be a better friend."

Sayo wondered, as well as everything was going, if she ought to reel Minato in before she stuck her foot in. She had an idea of what Minato was going to do, though not how it was supposed to prove her dedication. Or rather, if Sayo wanted her to succeed, to swoop in and snatch her quarry.

"I'll get straight to the point. I need you — Roselia needs you," Minato said, voice growing impassionate, almost uncharacteristically so. "As Sayo must have told you, we haven't been able to find a suitable replacement.

"There will be challenges, mostly pertaining to your skills, and frictions among ourselves. I won't even deny that many of them will come from me. But I am willing to learn, to change and compromise, up to a point. I don't mean this only in relation to you, but all the other members as well. And this is precisely why I'm asking you to come back, because I can't do this alone."

By the trick of the moonlight, Sayo thought the light in Imai's eyes died at some point. She hung her head like a puppet whose strings were cut. When she looked back up, her smile didn't quite reach her eye. "That… sounds great, Yukina. I mean it, that sounds really placating. Almost sincere. Sayo helped, I suppose."

Her gaze slid to Sayo at the last, sharp. "Sayo didn't — " Minato began.

Imai cut her off. "I'm asking Sayo."

Minato glared at Sayo as though it was her fault. "Minato-san came up with it all by herself," she answered honestly, hopeful despite herself.

Hadn't Imai always wanted Minato to initiate a reconciliation? But Imai was dithering… playing hard to get? Judging by her flinty stare, Minato seemed to think she was. Impatient, she said, "Lisa, you promised you'd do everything in your power to help us win the Future World FES."

"That does sound like something I'd say. But you know, I'd expect Sayo to take things literally, not you." Imai's lips twisted. The shadows made it look like she was laughing at Minato and Sayo. "All right. Tell me when you're going for the FES and how much you're willing to pay."

Minato didn't seem fazed. "I'm not joking, Lisa."

But there was no mirth in Imai's show of teeth either. "Neither am I. Do you think I wasn't serious about quitting? That after ignoring me for a year a pretty speech is all it's going to take to make me come back, like somehow I wouldn't notice you're just trying to score a point with Sayo?"

"Imai-san, I believe there's been a misunderstanding," Sayo said quickly. "I've never asked Minato-san to do this."

Minato's voice had a manic note to it. There was a shine in her eye not unlike Hina's when she got an idea. For someone who'd just been rejected she seemed enlightened. "Yes, there's a misunderstanding, and I hope this has cleared it for you, Sayo. Do you see now that Lisa doesn't care for you? Your ideal Roselia doesn't exist — it has never existed, frankly. And it is you who cling to the mirage and hinder our progress.

"So you see now there is only one way forward. A fresh start is what we need. But as for Roselia, it has been a good run. Thank you, Sayo. And good night."

Frantically wracking her brain, Sayo watched as Minato retreated into her room, and only came to her senses when the french door closed and was locked with a decisive click. It seemed to her like someone else's problem, even as Imai asked her what was wrong and Sayo replied matter-of-factly, "Minato-san has locked me out of her house. I didn't know she was so petty." She stressed the last for Minato's benefit.

Imai pursed her lips, seemingly more distressed by it than Sayo herself. "That little… Well, she probably doesn't mean to keep you out for long, just a bit. Wait there, I'll call her."

Sayo hugged herself. It was cold and she felt numb from head to toe. Her stuff was still in Minato's house. And yet she'd die of exposure before she'd beg to be let back inside. "No need. Please step back."

Anger was a wonderful thing. Sayo didn't think much of the distance between the verandahs, but the dim memory of crossing greater distance during PE lessons. That in those lessons she'd had longer running start was a minor detail. Socks and indoor slippers went off. Barefoot, Sayo drew back and ran across the length of the platform, and jumped. She landed on the other side, ankles narrowly missing the railing.

Imai was upon her in an instant, alternating between checking for injuries and berating her recklessness — the first time that being compared to Hina didn't set her teeth on edge. Sayo suffered the fussing quietly. Her feet stung from the impact, but otherwise she felt more alive than ever. She picked up the abandoned cat doll and threw it at Minato's window. The curtain drew back and Minato's face peeked out, glaring inscrutably. Then she was gone. Sore loser.

"Come on, you're freezing. Where's your coat?" Imai said.

"With Minato-san, along with my guitar and purse." Imai's hands were warm on hers, and it didn't take much more than that to lure her inside.

"Wanna stay here tonight? I'll get them for you in the morning. Ah, I should probably tell Hina to tell your parents, too."

Sayo was sat on the bed, though she still had dignity left to refuse being rolled up in the blanket as well. Adrenaline faded, and sensation came back along with fatigue. Sayo stared vacantly at the corkboard no longer holding brochures for schools, but scraps of lyrics and music notes. Minato's words resurfaced at random, settling into one coherent reality: Roselia would end tonight unless Sayo did something about it.

The bed was depressed with an additional weight. Belatedly she realized Imai had been trying to get her attention, finally sitting down next to her. "Hey, you look kinda out of it. Is it Yukina? Do you maybe wanna tell me what's up with you and her?"

"Nothing that should concern someone who's left Roselia," she said gruffly.

"Sure, but I didn't realize how bad things've gotten. I mean, I'd never imagined you two could fight about anything," Imai said in the same soothing tone and smile. It had the opposite of the intended effect. Sayo stood abruptly as though getting away from the bonfire that was Imai's misplaced worry.

Glaring down, Sayo said, "If you truly meant to help, you would have accepted Minato-san's apology. If you're worried it wasn't sincere, let alone that I'd forced her into it, then you don't know her at all. Minato-san misses you, though she cannot express herself well, and occasionally she might need a push. You of all people should know that. And above all, you have promised."

Imai slowly rose, face pinched. Prevaricating as she hadn't with Minato. "Yes, but… I made it as I was quitting, remember. I will help you with everything else, absolutely, but I'm sorry, I really can't help you as a bassist. You know why I quit."

"I don't, no one does. You have a hundred reasons up your sleeve, and you'll present whichever will get you the most sympathy. But the truth is we were merely a lark, some youthful folly to laugh at in ten years. Maybe even now, with Shirasagi-san behind my back."

Sayo hadn't meant to quote Imai's lyrics. She wasn't even confident in her interpretation, but for the surprise on Imai's face. Peevish, she said, "I said I was looking forward to whatever you would create."

"You did. I thought you were only trying to comfort me."

It hurt a lot more than if she'd simply forgotten, more than if she had simply brushed it off with a smile and platitude. Sayo imagined herself taking Imai by the shoulders and shaking her, anything to tear down the veil of decency separating them. Minato she had treated without holding back, but Sayo had become a stranger to her. "I always take my words seriously. You often make fun of me for it. How droll it must be that such a boring fool would dare to be your friend."

Imai had gone completely still. Nevertheless her hands flew to her mouth at the last sentence, as if surpressing something inappropriate. Like a bull seeing red, Sayo seized Imai's wrists and pried them off her face. "At least have the decency to laugh to my face!"

Eyes narrowed, Imai broke free of Sayo's hold. Fingers like claws dug into Sayo's shoulders. Pale grey irises dominated her vision, and she was almost distracted from the pressure on her forehead by tracing the red veins on each eyeball.

"Let's say I'm laughing at you now," Imai said in a frigid voice. "So I looked down on Roselia, I played each and every one of you, and made out like a bandit when I got bored. And you still want me back. How dense can you possibly be?"

Sayo thought she should be angry for believing she had been taken into Imai's confidences, for trusting Imai to begin with, going as far as defending her to Minato. Instead despair finally caught up and stoppered her throat. Imai waited. Eyes narrowed, as though finding her answer in Sayo's eyes, she gently pushed them apart. Her hand went up and caressed the spot where her forehead had crashed against Sayo's forehead, and then down to her shoulder. It was, Sayo realized distantly, an apology for roughhousing.

"So I think," Imai said with dogged calm, "what I don't understand is why you thought I could fix anything. Yukina lives a jump away and goes to the same school, and we even share a homeroom. This is the longest she's talked to me, and it's all because of you, Sayo. Neither of you would tell me anything, but if I had to guess, she's freaking out because she thought you were leaving for good. Get it? To Yukina, everyone in Roselia is expendable — except you. So I'm sure whatever happened could still be fixed if you'd just talk to her."

And back to Minato again. As usual Imai deflected affection directed her way — a universal phenomenon that was especially stronger when it came to Minato. As usual she was keen on ensuring Sayo was on good terms with Minato. Normally Sayo would have thought it as her looking after Minato, but now she wasn't sure what to think of Imai anymore. She sounded almost bitter toward the end, as though…

"Imai-san, are you jealous of my bond with Minato-san?" Sayo asked with genuine confusion. By all rights it should have been Sayo who was jealous of their friendship despite the differing personalities and occasional timeouts.

Imai's eyes widened in surprise, then panic. She took a step back, lips twisted, shoulders squared as though bracing herself. So many little gestures that if Sayo was being uncharitable — and she was inclined to be — she'd think Imai was acting. "I… oh, all right. You're not going to quit hounding me until you get an answer. Wanna know why I quit? I was starting to hate Yukina for not being the girl I used to know. She wouldn't give me any time of the day, but if it's you, she'd get over her pride for you. You're, like, her soulmate in music, the key to achieving her dreams. Yes, there's Roselia too, but she only formed Roselia because she met you. So yes, I'm… jealous. That's two down, given time I'd be sure to find reasons to hate Ako and Rinko. So I quit before I could, like, destroy Roselia. There you have it, reason number 101, never used before."

Imai kept her voice light and full of self-deprecation as she always did when she thought Sayo was getting too close to the heart of the matter — when she thought she didn't deserve sympathy. Not that Sayo was overflowing with sympathy at the moment. Just a terrible, terrible cold suffusing her lungs. Sayo was no stranger to jealousy, nor the noxious and deranged turns the mind took in its grip. And she had caused it, aggravated it by helping her quit. And because was their biggest point in common, because inevitably all their conversations must turn to Roselia and Minato, in all likelihood Sayo had kept it alive by sheer continued association.

The thought made her stomach squirm. But it couldn't all be her fault, a part of her insisted, who in their right mind would continue to associate with the source of their jealousy? There were, she supposed, other good reasons. Gratitude, maybe. Sayo knew Imai enough to know that she hated being indebted to anyone. Another was, of course, Minato. Sayo could see the logic. If keeping Sayo happy and engaged with Roselia made Minato happy, Imai would stifle her own feelings…

"I see. I understand now the reason you encouraged me to study abroad. It was so that I would leave and in my absence Minato-san would have no choice but to rely on you." It was all wrong and an unpleasant chill crawled under her skin, but she couldn't stop. "And in the process I would become indebted to you. As ever, you are manipulative."

Sayo had seen Imai truly incandescent exactly once, as the recipient. As when she was happy her entire expression was transformed, and it was a sight at once disorienting and familiar. Voice husky with tears and fury, she said, "That'd be a lot more cutting if you haven't made a habit of saying it and coming back. Every. Single. Time. Asshole!" Imai violently rubbed her eyes with her sleeve. "But you're just taking out your anger on me. We're done here."

Guilt and righteous indignation clashed, and with neither coming the victor, Sayo looked away. She sneezed once, twice, and embarrassingly, a loud third. Outside snow was falling — had been falling for some time. The pile on the verandah came up to a fist. And it was almost midnight.

"You're not thinking of going home in this weather," Imai said suddenly, mother hen instincts overriding her supposed anger.

"Yet I don't wish to overstay my welcome."

She had almost succeeded in turning the doorknob when Imai caught her wrist. "Don't be silly. Hate me all you like, but I'd hate myself more if I let you get sick or worse. Just go take a shower while I get the guest futon."

Sayo didn't actually have any problems with Imai hating herself, but unfortunately the rest of her proposal was sensible. She also didn't relish the idea of walking home in snow, in the middle of the night. It was only to make it easier to retrieve her things in the morning, she told herself.

Sayo tried not to think as she went through the same rituals as her previous sleepovers. She took a shower in Imai's bathroom, used Imai's toiletries, and then changed into Imai's spare pyjamas, and crawled into the futon prepared for her. Her host was nowhere to be found, which suited Sayo just fine. She was exhausted, but too strung up to sleep. It was much easier to stare at the dark ceiling and rewind her conversations with Minato. Wondering in circles when they'd started to lose sight of each other, when Sayo had fallen short. Easier still to replay her argument with Imai. Half lies, half truth that had no business being aired, all products of her insecurity and despair.

At some point Sayo must have dozed off. When she opened her eyes again the sun was in her face, and the smell of coffee filled her nose. And Imai was shaking her awake.

"I'm sorry," Sayo said before Imai could open her mouth. As incoherent as her thoughts were, at the forefront was the urgent notion that Imai must not be allowed to apologize first. Her hands scrambled to catch Imai's hand. "For last night. I wanted to hurt you. I'm sorry."

Imai pried her hands loose. She was already dressed for going out, all trace of imperfection buried under make up. Sayo was getting cross-eyed trying to read her expression. Voice even, Imai said, "Good morning, Sayo. Normally I'd let you sleep in but I'm seeing Chisato in thirty minutes. Here, I've got your stuff back from Yukina. There's breakfast, too, if you want."

Sayo tried not to look too wounded as she crawled out of the futon and sat by the low table. There was french toast and a steaming cup of coffee. Peace offering? Though it wouldn't be beyond Imai to feed someone who'd just tried to rob her. Putting out a feeler, Sayo said, "I didn't notice you coming back inside."

"I didn't," Imai said, so sharply Sayo flinched out of drowsiness. Now she noticed the skin around Imai's eyes was swollen. "Let me put this in words even you can't misunderstand. I'm still angry at you. I don't want to talk to you. I don't care what happens to Roselia. Good riddance, if this is the way you mean to carry on. And don't worry about becoming indebted to me, I don't want anything from you."

Shibuya at winter was as crowded as usual, and no less cold for it. An hour into standing in open air, Sayo sneezed into her handkerchief, earning an anxious glance from Udagawa. "I'm fine," she said curtly.

"But — "

"The queue's moving, Udagawa-san."

Cheeks bulging, Udagawa stepped inside the NFO collaboration cafe. Sayo counted an hour and half they had queued. A waste of time that would end in an extortion in exchange for mediocre food and some fulfillment of capitalism instilled obsession in the hopes that, through some unfathomably bizzare underpinnings of humanity, the excursion would deepen her bond with her remaining bandmates. It was also Sayo's suggestion, Sayo's flight of fancy. Imai would be proud. The thought almost made Sayo leave the premises out of sheer spite.

"Hikawa-san?" Shirokane peered at her timidly. "If you're feeling… unwell…"

Unwell, Sayo could tell, wasn't exactly the word Shirokane wanted to use but for Udagawa's presence. Sayo shook her head and firmly said, "We're finally inside, there's nothing to it but to enjoy the experience."

"Wow, Sayo-san said enjoy, the fight with Yukina-san must've been really bad."

Sayo scowled over the menu, and taking the cue, Udagawa started reading and pointing at the references to the game. Which was every item on the menu. A harried looking waiter took their orders: Sayo went with what seemed like a cheeseburger. Then following her own mission statement, she looked around. The cafe's conceit was replicating the design and atmosphere of one of the first inns accessible in NFO. So the staff was dressed in colorful, pseudo-European uniform, and there was a convincing replica of the wyrm skull candelabra above Sayo's head. Though personally Sayo would have picked a different location — the inn introduced in a later expansion hosting the locked murder mystery quest chain, for one — but it looked better than Sayo's rock bottom expectations. Maybe that was the key, she thought. If only she'd set low her expectations for a certain pair of childhood friends.

"Sayo-saaan." Udagawa waved in front of her (admittedly) unfocused eyes. Sayo snapped to attention, scowling. Then realizing she was already scowling, relaxed her face with some effort. "There we go. You were making that scary cool face you make when you, ah, grapple with the, the sentinels of the underworld!"

"Udagawa-san, you know perfectly well what occupies my mind." And ought to occupy yours, but Sayo held her tongue just in time. It was in fact better that not all of them were consumed by drama, she told herself.

Udagawa pursed her lips. "Yeah, but… Can I be honest?" Sayo nodded. "It's just, it's not the first time this happened. You and Yukina-san and Lisa-nee got into a three-way melee and then, bam! Roselia's in pieces, gone. And it's all because you keep to yourselves and Rinrin and I only got to know after it's too late. That's why you shouldn't worry about it alone, Sayo-san! Rinrin and me, still think of you as a part of Roselia, and if not you're still our friend, so you should definitely get us involved, too. Together we can, uh, retrieve our most precious stone of delight…"

She cowered slightly under Sayo's scrutiny. "That's surprisingly mature of you, Udagawa-san."

Torn between pouting and glowing at the praise, Udagawa finally stuck with the latter. "Ehehe, I just thought of what Lisa-nee would say."

"Imai-san," Sayo spat, "is a fucking hypocrite."

The waiter came with their orders, giving her time to come back to her senses. She said, "I apologize for the outburst. It's irrelevant to our discussion."

Udagawa and Shirokane exchanged a look. "Um, okay? So what's, uh, relevant?"

With a sigh, Sayo told them as clinically as possible, leaving out the personal issues. It didn't leave a lot of talking points, and made them — Minato, Sayo, and, though her part was completely redacted, even Imai – all look ridiculous. Immature, to let their feelings get in the way of solving the problem.

Then it was Udagawa and Shirokane's turn. Minato had somehow overcome her technological ineptitude through spite and figured out how to kick everyone out of the Roselia group chat. She had also blocked Sayo on LINE, but not the other two. Nevertheless, neither of them had managed to make headway.

"She just said she's never gone back on her words," Udagawa said, dangerously close to tears. "But she also wouldn't say how long the hiatus'd be. It's like Yukina-san's really given up on us. But Sayo-san, you should've told us you were thinking of going to America!"

Sayo bristled, but since Minato herself, then Imai, and now Udagawa in her ignorance had made the same accusation, she swallowed her protest.

"Ako-chan," Shirokane murmured. "Maybe Hikawa-san had predicted… Yukina-san would react badly?"

"I did, yes. Not to this extent, but… allow me to correct that, since this is my fault in the first place. I didn't want Minato-san to stop me from trying at all. And perhaps more importantly I wanted to prove to myself my worth as a musician outside of Roselia. Please don't misunderstand, I am proud to be a part of Roselia."

"But Yukina-san casts a long shadow," Shirokane said so quietly Sayo had to strain her ears to listen. "I think I might… understand your sentiment…"

"I don't," Udagawa mumbled sulkily. Everyone ignored her. Feeling a little exposed, Sayo urged the two to start eating their lunch.

Shirokane was only partially correct, anyway. Standing beside Minato, her shadow didn't fall on Sayo. Instead she was standing beside a star so bright Sayo couldn't see herself. It wasn't often it occurred to her, but in those times, Sayo thought she hadn't escaped Hina's orbit just so she could fall into another. Though she hadn't meant to escape Minato's entirely, either. Except that Minato had left her first…

It was plain to see now that she was in daylight, in an environment made to transport the patrons into another world. Minato had spoken of herself; she had always seen everything through herself. It wasn't Sayo she had castigated for her attachment to the old Roselia; it wasn't Sayo whom Imai had rejected. And it wasn't Sayo who had left Roselia because she was afraid of failing to achieve her dreams.

Udagawa kept looking at her. With a sigh, Sayo inclined her head. "So, uh, Sayo-san, since it's gotten like this… are you still going to America?"

"What does 'like this' mean, Udagawa-san?"

"W-well, you know, with…" Udagawa started pouting, but she soldiered on. "Ugh, fine. Without Yukina-san there's no Roselia so with no Roselia are you also going to leave us? Ugh, I mean, not to make it super personal like that — "

"Then in your opinion, in Roselia only Minato-san matters and no other."

"Yes–I mean, no–I mean—"

Sayo let Udagawa flounder and mumble to herself as she turned to Shirokane. "Imai-san told me you likened Roselia to a ship." Recognition lit up Shirokane's eye. "I might not fully understand the idiom, but am I right to think you meant to pledge your commitment to Roselia? Though surely there must be a limit to how many and often parts of the ship may be replaced."

Shirokane looked down on her hands. "Hikawa-san… it might be easier on all of us if… it seems you have a course in mind…"

A smile threatened to break out. Shirokane telling her to stop beating the bush was ironic, yet appropriate. "For all intents and purposes it's not my course, but Minato-san's. And yet we all have sworn on it — we have made it ours. I see no reason to change that."

Udagawa perked up. "You mean…"

Sayo nodded, looking at Udagawa and Shirokane, the remaining members of Roselia, the ones who had always remained, who saw Roselia for what it was. She might not be able to do anything for those who had left, but Sayo knew Roselia would only end when she let it. "What comes after that will come when it may. Nevertheless, our course has never changed. This year we shall attempt for the Future World FES, with or without Minato-san."

If spite was powerful enough to make one leave, surely it was enough to make one stay.


Chapter title is taken liberally from Charles. And with this we've caught up to the content posted on AO3.