Bozer stopped on his way up the hall. The thinly concealed disappointment in Mac's voice was what drew him to a halt.
"No, don't worry about it. I know you're busy."
Then Bozer almost laughed.
"In the Valley? … Jack, please tell me you're not doing porn." Mac laughed at whatever Jack said. "Alright, man. Maybe this weekend. Later."
Bozer had to move quickly to hide the fact that he'd been eavesdropping.
Mac stepped out into the hallway to catch Boze practically sprinting toward the kitchen. Mac smiled and shook his head. He appreciated Bozer trying not to hover quite so visibly. But if he was honest, he also kind of appreciated his friend's almost constant presence. When he was alone, Mac thought too much, remembered too much.
He also thought he understood Bozer's lifelong tendency to try to stay close, to help. When Mac had met Jack for coffee a couple of weeks ago, he'd wanted to drag him to his Jeep and bring him home with him.
Jack had lost weight, was scruffier than Mac had ever seen him. And he was … hungover didn't cover it. Hungover indicated that someone was staying sober long enough to metabolize all the alcohol in their system.
Jack had said all the right things. He'd expressed concern over Mac closing himself off from DXS until his injury was healed. Mac had assured him that the doctor Elliot had hooked him up with was more than adequate. He'd fussed at Mac for looking too skinny. Mac had just smirked and said he'd actually put on almost ten pounds. Between Bozer feeding him every ten minutes and the physical therapist Dr. Michaels had sent him to being a big fan of weights, Mac was pretty sure he was in the best shape of his life. Jack had called bullshit a little because Mac had been absently massaging his chest while they were talking. Mac shrugged and admitted it still hurt some. That's why he hadn't rushed back to work. But otherwise he felt pretty good. Jack didn't call him out for maybe not going back because of losing Nikki. Mac had sort of acknowledged it by saying it's not like there was a team waiting on him to get cleared.
Then Mac had … gently, mind you … tried to turn the tables and express concern about Jack, asking in a somewhat roundabout way, if maybe Jack had left because he felt guilty. Jack suddenly "remembered" he was supposed to be on set. Mac teased him lightly about having 'gone Hollywood' and Jack had joked Mac ought to be thinking about a career change. They parted ways pleasantly. But Mac's worry just escalated after the meeting. Jack needed to see he hadn't seen really failed in Italy. He needed to see that he was still Jack.
Mac just couldn't figure out how to make it happen. So he kept doing what he'd always done, texting, calling, making sure Jack knew Mac cared, still valued him as a friend. And above all that Mac didn't blame him for any of it.
Speaking of, Mac took his phone out of his pocket and sent a text.
I forgot to ask. Where you filming today? Thought I might finally take you up on the offer of seeing what going Hollywood really looks like.
He slid his phone back into his sweatshirt and caught up to Bozer at their breakfast bar. "Morning, Boze." Mac was certain Boze had no idea he'd caught him eavesdropping.
"Morning, Roomie!" Bozer said brightly. He was feeling a little smug that he hadn't gotten caught listening in, and he'd also just tried to stay upbeat for Mac. Mac said he was okay, but, Boze wasn't really buying it. Mac's nightmares got loud sometimes.
Bozer was already bustling around the kitchen. Mac refrained from rolling his eyes when his roommate got two packages of bacon out of the fridge and grabbed the waffle iron as well.
"Jack's not gonna make it to breakfast, Boze, so maybe slow down a little," he said grabbing a mug and pouring himself a coffee.
Forgetting he didn't want Mac to know he'd heard them talking, Bozer said, "I heard you tell him blowing you off was okay." Bozer looked momentarily grumpy. "This is for you! I swear you look skinnier this week! That PT of yours is working you too hard!"
Mac smirked and shook his head. "I'll have you know I've put on something like ten pounds since I've been home. And not all of it's muscle! You go ahead and waffle it up. Since Jack's not gonna make it, I'm gonna finally try going for a run this morning. Walking is getting boring and I'd like my jeans to keep fitting anyways."
"Are you supposed to running yet?" Boze asked almost severely.
"Yeah," he nodded. "I've been cleared for a minute … Just…"
"What is it?" Bozer asked, coming around the counter to stand next to Mac.
Mac shrugged. "I … Nikki and I used to run together a lot. It's … I just try not to think about her too much because …" His voice caught and he swallowed hard. "It's hard."
Unsurprisingly, Mac found himself wrapped in a bone crushing Bozer hug. He hugged back, but said, softening it with a chuckle, "Take it easy, pal. My ribs and my collar bone are finally pretty well healed. I'd kinda like em to stay that way."
Bozer released him, but still looked in his face, intent on figuring out if Mac was really okay to go out on a run. "If it's too hard, don't do it yet."
Mac offered a smile. "I'm good, Boze. Gotta push through it at some point."
Bozer frowned, "I guess." Then he grinned. "How about just a couple of waffles? Gotta carb load or whatever, right?"
Mac grinned and shook his head again. "They can be my reward for making it to the top."
"Alright, man."
Mac headed out for his first run since the morning he'd left for Italy.
It was two more weeks before he actually made it to the top.
He still ate Bozer's waffles.
0-0-0
He was going to it today, damn it. He was going to make it to the top. Come hell or high water.
Up until today, Mac had managed his runs without Nikki intruding on his thoughts. Well, mostly. The first couple of runs he'd felt like he couldn't breathe and that he might throw up so he hadn't gotten far. He told himself it was just his fitness had fallen off. He wouldn't acknowledge, even to himself that he'd really been overwhelmed by the lack of a running partner. He'd been so dedicated to that narrative that he'd even gone to see Dr. Michaels, who had assured him what was going on with him wasn't physical.
After that, he'd managed to push a little farther every day. So what if he'd wound up needing to stand deep breathing with his forehead against to cool tile in the shower just to keep his shit together a couple of times. Nobody but him in his post-run shower anymore anyway.
Today he needed to make the top. He needed to know he could do it without her. He still wasn't sure he wanted to go back to DXS. But he needed to know he could. He just needed to know he could face something familiar without Nikki first.
The run took a lot of guts. Images of their time together played through his head the whole time. But he did it. He made it. He took that hill, as his grandfather liked to say. But it took a lot out of him.
He'd avoided crying in the shower after his runs the last couple of weeks, but today he let himself have it. Bozer had left for work, Jack hadn't called him back. He was alone for the duration.
He felt a little better after letting some of his pent up anger and sadness out. As he sat in the living room afterward, not really doing much other than thinking, some of the memories that came back to him weren't of her death, weren't about guilt. They were warm, pleasant. He even let himself remember the day they'd finally gone beyond flirting and started turning their attraction into something real.
In a way, it made the pain worse. In other ways, it made him able to bear it. He was thinking about talking to Jack about that a little bit. He was also thinking of getting some cash out of the stash in the desk to get some takeout when Patricia Thornton walked in.
He wanted to be angry that she was so sure he would come back to work. But the footage of the scientists gasping their last, drowning in their own blood, precluded any of that. One of Mac's first serious victories for DXS had been to take down a guy trying to launch a biological attack. And that had been personal, too. This was a chance to avenge Nikki, to get something of his life back.
"Will you do it?" she asked, her expression uncertain.
He frowned for a moment.
"Mac, we need you."
"I'll do it." His face slipped into an almost smirk. "On one condition."
She smiled her knowing Cheshire Cat smile. "Which is?"
"Reinstate Jack."
