Chapter 21: Loss and Hope
It's only after we have lost everything that we are free to do anything - Chuck Palahniuk (Fight Club)
"Professor..." Said Tom, clearing his throat. Destiny is a troublesome player.
"What are you doing here this late hour, Tom?" Dumbledore asked, his half moon spectacles reflecting the moonlight from a window, glancing at the cat whose meows Tom tried to muffle so desperately.
"My cat ran away, Sir. I merely picked her up again." Tom said colorlessly. His calm voice did not give away his nervousness, but he had that idea of Dumbledore being able to see through anything.
"In front of my office? Quite the strange place to run off to," said Dumbledore with a gentle smile, raising an eyebrow when Joelle bit into Tom's hand and the latter let go out of a first instinct's reaction. Tom felt the world spinning when Joelle meowed loudly at Dumbledore, pawing on his silvery robes. Within the blink of an eye and the swiftest of flicks Tom had seen somebody perform, Joelle sat on the ground in her human form.
"Professor! Please get me home, get me home! Please! Please!" Joelle yelled in panic, tears steaming down her face, but Tom shook his head feverishly. No. She couldn't seriously want this. Couldn't seriously mean it. What was she doing? What was she saying? Seeing Sylus must have taken all senses from her.
"You can't! You can't leave me!" Tom screamed, but was further ignored by Dumbledore, who smiled at a man next to Tom.
"Dear Merlin, what's the noise? And who is that?" Asked Professor Slughorn, looking from Jolle to Tom, back and forth.
"Ah. Well, it occurs to me that dear Tom is as proficient with Transfiguration as a student in their seventh year. Further explanation is irrelevant, Horace. Please bring Riddle back to his dormitory," said Dumbledore.
Professor Slughorn tied a knot around his large stomach, then nodded assuringly at Tom, whose eyes were still round. He stared up to Dumbledore, watching how he merely turned his back on Tom's worst fear, watching how he, at last, disappeared with the one and only person that ever meant something to him. Tom's hatred for the old man grew - his hatred for Joelle grew, it grew bigger and bigger with every breath that he took. Maybe Avery was right. Mudbloods are cowards, they will always try to leave. Was Joelle different? Maybe she would come back to him? Maybe?
Maybe Joelle will not let Tom drop. Maybe she will realize that everything that was done was to keep her close. Maybe she would see it, would feel it, would know it, that Tom needed her.
But maybe things were never truly alright. And maybe things will never be alright now that Joelle has gone. Because with all the maybes swirling in Tom's head, he knew one thing for sure. Joelle would never come back to him again.
The upcoming time was nothing but painful.
Of course Tom was asked what happened that night in the Slytherin dungeon, but when seriously wounded (though unfortunately not dead) Sylus Farley woke up weeks later in St. Mungo's after the incident, all he could remember was running a knife through his stomach. Tom did not care about the praising he received from his gang for altering the head boy's memory - their praising meant nothing to Tom when they were not Joelle's. And Joelle would have never praised him for anything like this. Quite in fact, the praising turned out to mock Tom - was it not exactly that was caused his biggest loss? He glared at Black and Lestrange and merely walked off on them when they looked up to him with hopeful eyes, hoping to be taught her another important lesson, but Tom did not pick up teaching anytime soon. What for? He had taught them to protect and guard Joelle - and little did they accomplish in that area. Sure, they had received their punishment right after Joelle left, but the result remained the same.
Tom's eyelids felt heavy as he stared to the empty cage in his room, his head sunk lower while clinging to her black scarf in his hands. Tom had no single idea about her strictness - about her willpower of leaving him should he do something she viewed as purely evil. He remembered how he had promised her that he would never give up - and now she was punishing him for keeping his word?
Tom did not show it on he outside, but he felt himself cracking with each day that he had to spend without her. And then there it was again, that unbearable anger Tom tried to suppress to the best of his abilities, but that beast inside him grew bigger and bigger, unleashing a level of painful wrath that Tom has never felt before; it caused him agony. He screamed from the top of his lungs, shooting spells around the dormitory, boxing against the wall until his knuckles started to bleed. He did not hear the exasperated gasps from around him, all he knew is that he woke up days later in the hospital wing. His first glance went to his feet to check if Joelle was curled up there as always, but she wasn't. He glanced to the left and right, but he was alone. She was gone.
Tom had hoped. He hoped so much with each letter that he wrote to receive one back. Every morning his eyes followed the dozen of owls delivering their letters to other students. It wasn't until the last owl dropped its letter that Tom realized he would not be getting anything today, nor any other day that he waited.
He hid behind books and spells and worked harder than ever to not be alone with his thoughts that consumed most of his sanity. He studied and learned more than he could remember, but aced each essay and every assignment that had to be done. He took time researching on everything just because he was scared of being done with his tasks too fast - and then having to think again. He ran from the responsibility of admitting his own wrongdoings - he did not want to spend a single thought on the perspective of having done a mistake. It was her. Joelle. And Farley. If it's true that Joelle left him for what he has done, then what would now keep him from doing it again? That silly girl. Tom's nose snarled up, he shook his head again and continued writing. Don't think. Don't think. Don't think.
But he hoped.
When the year was finally over, Tom could not have jumped any faster on the train. He glanced to the cage, knowing for sure that Joelle must be at the orphanage when he returns. She must have missed him too. Surely she merely wanted to make it as special as possible. He would see her, convince her, and just like before he would find a way to take her with him. This time, Tom was sure, she would come at free will. There would be no discussion, just tears - tears of joy of seeing him again. Joelle would certainly wrap her arms around him, cling to her snowman and tell him to wear his scarf because it's "starting to get cold outside". She would take pictures of the two of them and she would, after three months of not seeing him, forgive him. She would.
He hoped.
"Here it is," said Tom to Avery, whose mother had picked up the both of them from King's Cross, driving through London to drop Tom off. Avery looked at the grey walls of the orphanage once the car stopped, then grinned.
"Quite the gloomy place. Maybe you'd like to visit us someday," said Avery.
"Thanks," said Tom, looking at Avery's mother, who nodded with a warm smile.
"Very welcome, my boy, Avery, help him with his luggage, will you."
Tom and Avery got out of the car, but none of them said a word, until Avery broke the silence.
"I'm excited for what you have in stock for us next year," he said. Tom glanced at him.
"That depends on whether or not I will see Joelle now."
"Why?" Asked Avery. Tom glanced at him, but did not further comment. What was Avery thinking? What were they all thinking?These boys understood absolutely nothing. Tom stared at Avery for a few seconds before he simply turned around and left without another word, but could not suppress the rapid banging of his heart against his chest the closer he walked to the entrance. His hoping reached its climax as soon as he rang the doorbell - eyes widened, wondering who would open up.
"Tom!" Smiled a female. Tom's shoulders sank lower, he glared at the woman ahead, shoving past her on an instant. Mrs. Cole was not the person he expected to see.
"Where is she." Tom asked on an instant, dropping his suitcase and cage. He whirled around when Mrs. Cole cleared her throat, but did not say anything.
"Where is she!" Tom yelled. "Where?! Did she move out?"
"Tom, dear..." Mrs. Cole tried to soothe him, taking his arm, but he ripped it away. "She's at home, isn't she?" He asked, then simply ran out of the orphanage, ignoring the shouting from the matron behind.
Tom hurried ahead towards school, took a couple of turns, ahead, to the left, ahead, and walked as fast as he could. He entered that part of London that he disliked so much, smirking when he saw the house ahead. Joelle must have moved back to her father. A parking car in front of it ensured Tom that somebody was home, surely they could tell him where she was. Just when Tom was about to ring the doorbell, he withdrew his hand. His eyes widened.
"Wendrol?" He muttered to himself, then it hit him. No. The Coles moved out of this house. Tom ran a hand through his hair - Joelle's father must've sold the house after his divorce. Tom's head began to spin, he felt dizzy, then had another idea. He ran back to the orphanage.
"Where does Bryan live! Where?!" He burst out in the dining room. The other kids gasped upon seeing Tom again. Mrs. Cole shook her head.
"Tom. Joelle is not with Bryan."
"Where is she! Where! TELL THE TRUTH! TELL ME NOW!" He screamed, some kids got up and ran away by now, Amy and Dennis amongst them.
"I don't know, Tom. Professor Dumbledore and Joelle agreed on not telling me," she said softly and with so much sincerity that Tom knew at once that she wasn't lying.
Dumbledore. Tom's eyes widened, fists clenched. And Joelle - how could she have been blinded by that old man, how?
"There must be a way of finding out..." Tom whispered. He tried to think of a spell, but nothing came to his mind. With a second thought he realized that if he had a spell to find her, by all means, even if it meant being expelled, he would use it. He made a mental note to develop something that could help him tracking down people and hated himself for not thinking of it any earlier. But just like before, the perspective of losing was something that did not fit in his mindset.
Tom's hopes were completely destroyed after weeks of looking for Joelle, weeks of waiting.
No Joelle accompanied him to the train for his second year, and little did he know by then that no Joelle would pick him up after his third year was over. He still had hopes to receive a response from her after the countless letters he had sent, but he was left in the dark.
The only enlightenment was the assurance that his Joelle was gone.
And she had left for good.
AN: Nauseating, I know. Will Tom ever find her again?
