Chapter 31: The Awakening

Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes - C.G Jung

When Joelle woke up in the bed the next morning, she wasn't sure if whatever happened last evening was real or just a dream. Tom was asleep. Joelle watched him, wondering what was happening behind his forehead. He looked as peaceful as anyone else; a strange thing that sleep does. Joelle smiled gently thinking about it, but her smile vanished and froze into a startled expression when Tom's eyes shot up. Joelle wasn't very sure why it scared her, but it did.

"Good morning," she said, trying to cover the fear in her voice whilst smiling again. Tom looked at her, then sat upright. He ran a hand through his hair and kept quiet; a circumstance that made Joelle a tad nervous. And then, out of nowhere, anger rose in her chest. When has she become his puppet?

Joelle looked around, reflecting her life as her eyes scanned the room as if it were new. She knew that she would never have to worry about anything from now on. Tom would assure that she was safe and secure, but she couldn't feel less protected. She felt exposed to life. Sure, to others she was with a handsome and talented wizard that allowed her to live a nice life in a beautiful manor on top of a hill somewhere in the United Kingdom. But, as with many other aspects of life, seeing and seeing were two different things. Joelle's eyes swept over to Tom again. He still sat upright in the bed and stared ahead absentmindedly; perhaps, too, wondering if yesterday evening was real or not.

"I appreciate your presence," said Tom suddenly. "I can't get used to having you by my side when I open my eyes."

Joelle looked into Tom's face, her lips were slightly parted. She rested her hand on his shoulder and knew that being quiet was the best choice of words right now.

"Aren't we messed up?" Joelle asked quietly. Tom scoffed in agreement and closed his eyes.

"You are a smart woman, Joelle. You can't tell me that you didn't expect this," he whispered and let himself fall on his back, staring up to the wall. Joelle still sat upright but her eyes were glued to Tom. She slowly sank lower, not breaking eye contact once Tom noticed her shifting; as if he had to make sure that she wouldn't leave. He couldn't let her move out of his sight and reach. Not for a single moment.

"Are you bored, Marvolo?"

Tom chuckled. Joelle always noticed that she depicted his facial features as oddly waxy or cold. He sometimes looked like his expressions were painted on; they mostly appeared to be artificial, mechanical. This time, his chuckle was a sincere sound of amusement, however, carried something else. It could have been pity. Tom's grin did not even leave his lips when he answered. "No. I am not bored."

"You will be," said Joelle. "You will look for yet another way to escape that boredom once you have what you want - you will want to break through, to...hurt somebody..." Joelle's voice got tiny at the end of the line and she looked away. "You haven't told me. Is this the life you've always wanted? Is this the life you have imagined?"

"Imagining is for fools, my dear. I see."

"What do you see?"

"I see you."

This single line beheld so much depth in meaning that Joelle wanted it to have never been said. It wasn't merely stating where she currently was; right in front of Tom. This was stating where she belonged, where he saw her from the start - maybe even when he first laid eyes on her. Did she mind? She was not entirely sure.

What made Joelle move closer to Tom lately? She herself did not know. She could only guess that she felt like she had to repay her debt completely. If she wanted to hate Tom for everything he has done, she had to first hate herself for making him do it. It took Joelle a long time to realize that the world could not be split into right or wrong - and people saying either yes or no. It was far more complex than that. Joelle was far more involved in the wrongs, in the noes, than she was aware of. She was far more guilty than she wanted to be.

Indeed, Tom was right. She wasn't done paying her debts yet.

"What would you have done after studying psychology?" Tom asked later during lunch.

"I'm not sure," said Joelle. "But I didn't want to become a doctor, if that's where you were aiming at."

Tom stared at her when she said that, then nodded. "Of course not. I'm quite sorry you couldn't graduate."

"You're not sorry."

"Of course not."

Tom and Joelle looked at each other with something between them that none of them addressed.

"So, what is going to happen now?" Joelle asked. "Any plans for our eternal life?"

Tom glanced at her, his eyes narrowed for the split of a second; he noticed the sharpness on an instant.

"It's not yet eternal, my dear. Yours isn't. And mine, well..." Tom stretched. "Something didn't quite work the last time."

"What do you mean?"

"You will see. I must say that...I'm quite pleased with you lately. You're behaving. I want to reward you. Don't think this is anything that will happen often, but I realized that I have ripped you out of your life too abruptly. You need something back."

"Since you mentioned it, does that mean you want me to finish studying psychology?"

"No. You don't need that in the wizarding world. I thought of something else. I will allow you to see Bryan."

Joelle's eyes widened. "Are you serious? Would you really?"

"Yes. Not for long, however. And I will accompany you."

Joelle looked at Tom; the smile disappeared a slight bit. Of course he had to come with her - he needed to make sure Bryan wouldn't try anything and, probably most importantly, he had to make sure that Bryan wouldn't attempt to scratch Joelle from the list of main defendants. Tom had to control her.

"Where is Bryan right now?" Joelle asked.

"He moved back to London a few weeks ago."

"How did you even find him?" Joelle raised an eyebrow, unable to help admiring Tom's skills for once. Tom merely chuckled throatily. "That, my dear, shall be my secret."

"You have too many secrets. Not fond of sharing any with me, are you?"

"Stop pouting," said Tom with his signature grin. "I share everything with you."

"Share another answer with me," said Joelle.

"Ask another question."

"Imagine the both of us are immortal. You are obviously talented and you can just glare people away," Joelle started but Tom chuckled when she said this, "but what are you going to do when there's a murderous freak running about, cutting me apart? Would I even live?"

Tom's chuckle died out on an instant. He looked into her eyes deeply, his lips slightly apart. Either he couldn't answer her question and was so concentrated on trying, or he couldn't grasp her level of bravery for addressing such a perspective as dying.

"What strange things to think of," said Tom almost scoldingly.

"I'm serious. You couldn't sow me back and-"

"Enough, Joelle."

Joelle sighed and crossed her arms, but she couldn't help grinning. "Here he goes, always forbidding me to speak when the truth is involved."

Tom glanced up at her curiously, trying his best to suppress any reaction. He remembered this line coming from his own lips years ago.

"You're cheeky," he murmured and sipped on his tea.

"When can we leave? To see Bryan?"

Tom's eyes shot up to Joelle on an instant, it looked like he wanted to glare but he decided against it at last. He cleared his throat. "If you wish, we can leave right away."

Joelle's eyes lit up with joy. "Yes!" And she jumped up to run off and grab her coat. Tom still sat there, swirling the tea in his cup, a faint smirk starting to show on his lips, but it disappeared as soon as Joelle came back, ready to leave.

"We can go!" She squeaked when Tom just observed her curiously.

"I see that," he murmured and pushed himself off of the chair ever so casually. He walked over to her and pulled up the hood of her coat, staring into her eyes while he did. Joelle shuddered at the feeling of his touch on the back of her head and neck, but she kept quiet.

"We don't want anybody to recognize you, do we?" He whispered and came closer with his face. He breathed against her lips. Joelle gulped, then shook her head. She did not know what she wanted and what she didn't want anymore, but she knew she wanted the closeness between them to disappear for now. Tom merely chuckled voicelessly; it was a short sound coming from the back of his throat. He pulled away and turned around, having his hand wrapped around her wrist firmly and disapparated on the go. The both of them landed in a sunny but secluded and more quiet area of London. The joyful glimmer in Joelle's eyes instantly vanished. Her life was so different when she was here last. They marched off to the sounds of chirping birds and walked through a sunlit field with cherry blossoms starting to bloom around them. The scent of springtime was so pleasant that Joelle closed her eyes and accidentally ran into Tom; who just stopped and looked at her as though she was a specific curious piece in a museum of modern art. Joelle tried to ignore it while they passed by a cemetery surrounded by a black fence. She eyed up the tombstones that were covered with plenty of fresh flowers - ever reminders of war not so long ago. She looked up to Tom and saw that he did not even glance towards the cemetery's direction. It was a place he would never visit; at least in his conception of life. Joelle squinted shut her eyes when the sun shone into her face brightly and dissolved her surrounding into whiteness, but she smiled once the pictures regathered in front of her and showed a small cottage. Joelle found it a tad strange that there were no neighbors at all, the cottage being somewhat deserted in this field, but she did not comment.

"Is this where Bryan lives?" She asked hopefully. Tom nodded, but he pulled Joelle back when she tried to walk ahead.

"Stay close to me. And I'm warning you. Don't say anything you know I wouldn't approve of..." he whispered with a warning tone. Joelle nodded and glanced over to the cottage, then back at Tom. It was too obvious that she wanted to see Bryan that Tom couldn't label it as true attention to what he said. Still yet, they walked to the entrance together and Joelle rang the doorbell, her mouth gapped open excitedly, Tom could almost hear her heartbeat. He bit his bottom lip in order to suppress a smirk. If only his naive Joelle knew why they had come here, she wouldn't be so extremely joyous.

The door opened.

In front of both Tom and Joelle stood a tall and muscular man that looked as though he jumped out of a fashion magazine. Bryan Lessing's chestnut brown hair glistened almost red as the sun shone down on it; and his golden tan allowed both Joelle and Tom the conclusion that he enjoyed a few baths in the sun lately. Joelle, however, looked into Bryan's brown and warm eyes. Time froze for the while she stared at him.

"Bryan..."

"Joelle...?" He asked in utmost disbelief, his hands instantly went around her face to cup it, upon which Tom retorted with a low scoff, especially when hot tears started to stream down Joelle's cheeks.

"None of the rumors are true, I promise, I never killed anyone-"

"Shhh. I know. I know."

"Manners, Lessing. A true gentleman would have asked his lady of interest in," said Tom colorlessly. Joelle knew this was nothing but an attempt to cope with jealousy on Tom's end - he had to put down Bryan in order to feel above him now that he saw how much Bryan still meant to her.

"Tom," said Bryan firmly and straightened his back. The two men stared into each other's eyes and spoke so much that words could never explain. Bryan stepped aside and smiled warmly at Joelle when she walked inside, but tried to ignore the fact that Tom merely shoved past him as if he was a particularly disgusting bug.

"You have to explain everything to me. Green tea, no sugar, as always?" Bryan asked. Joelle smiled brightly, nodding. She sat down on a couch with Tom.

"You remember...Yes. Exactly," she said, and her eyes swept over to Tom's unamused and cold gaze.

"Almost like an old married couple, hm?" He whispered harshly when Bryan disappeared through the arched door into the kitchen, but peeped his head back out.

"What about you, Riddle?"

"Nothing," said Tom, then glanced at Joelle again. "Watch your words."

"So, Joelle," started Bryan as he walked back into the living room and sat down on the couch as well. "Tell me everything, I must know. I must know it all," he looked at her intensively. Joelle couldn't help but glance at Tom for some help. He, however, did not look back and instead acted like he was busy observing Bryan's collection of magazines. Tom wanted her to make her own decision, even though he clearly used this as a method to measure how far she had understood where she belonged. He left her a choice whether or not Bryan would get hurt. And this choice was the most burdensome thing Joelle has felt lately.

"How have you even become the main defendant? How?" Bryan inquired.

"It's complicated," said Joelle truthfully. "It was just bad timing. And you know how it is - people need a face for a crime. And sometimes they don't care what kind of face. They want to breathe, they want a chapter to be done. People don't cherish open ends."

"You could have come to me - you could have talked to me. We could have sorted things out together," said Bryan.

"What about you, though? Why are you living here in this secluded area?" Joelle asked.

"They considered me guilty, said I assisted you. Then they were convinced that I'm not guilty. That was after all those stupid newspaper reports. And to avoid public trouble, they put me here for a while. Said I can come back soon. Until then I can live here." Bryan sighed. "It's not a lot but it's better than being attacked. Don't worry. I won't tell a soul that you have been here."

Joelle cleared her throat, then nodded. "Right. Well, I went undercover. The evidence was too pressing and Mrs. Kenneth told lies..."

"They also had files from the therapist. I knew it didn't look good for you. That's why I protected you. Said that you've been my girlfriend and that I know you would never kill anyone. And when I said that, well, I went straight into their web. And then that strange anonymous witness, saying he saw me on that day. I was almost behind bars, I'm telling you. Said witness then took it back. Some strange hospital, St Mongo or something, sent a letter to the department, saying that the evidence told by the anonymous witness was a false trail because he was mental. That saved my life, I believe."

Joelle gulped. She looked over to Tom, wondering if he asked Avery to do that dirty work since the latter was at the hospital during that time.

"But how did you and Tom...meet again? I don't understand. Didn't you say that it was best if you never-"

"Tom found me not so long ago and we talked about everything that has gone wrong in the past. I mean...The...both of us were quite young. You know. Teenage troubles, I guess. We've grown up," said Joelle. Tom looked at her - and she knew exactly that he inwardly commented everything she said.

"You've changed, Riddle," said Bryan with a sip of his tea.

"I have merely grown up. Some of us do that."

"Hm," Bryan hummed and looked at both Joelle and Tom. "You two look good together," he said quietly. Joelle frowned, she was about to say something, but Tom was faster.

"That's right. Anyway, where is the restroom?"

Bryan pointed behind his shoulder with his thumb. "Out of this room, on the right."

Tom got up and walked off. Joelle wondered about this, she didn't expect Tom to leave her alone with Bryan - and she instantly suspected that he was up to something. She couldn't further think about this, however, when Bryan chuckled lowly. It was a chuckle of disbelief. It was a chuckle of giving irony some credit.

"Heh. Do you remember, Joelle? Those years back, we were in the kitchen. And I told you that Tom had a crush on you. You scolded me for saying that."

"Bryan..."

"You said that he was just a child. Said that he would grow out of it."

"Bryan, please..."

"But I said that if anything, he will grow with it. Do you remember? Do you believe me now?"

Joelle inhaled deeply. She nodded. "Yes. I remember. Things aren't that easy, Bryan..."

"You have to get out of his grasp before it is too late," said Bryan. "I can help you. You can't hide forever, things will clear out. Trust me. Trust me before it's too late."

"Before it is too late?" Joelle snickered and then kept quiet.

Tom leaned against the wall when he listened to their conversation. But he hasn't sneaked out just to hear what Joelle would say now that she wasn't monitored. No. Tom's hand clutched around his wand, a faint smirk started to play on his lips. He peeped his head around the wall carefully so that he was barely seen. It had to work now. If the ritual didn't work the last time, it had to work now. He closed his eyes. Then whispered "Avada Kedavra" with his wand aimed at Bryan. All the hatred and jealousy Tom has felt for so long was sent through his wand. He always wanted Bryan to die like this.

But no green light came from Tom's wand. He frowned and pulled his arm away, glancing at the wood in his hand. He gritted his teeth in frustration, narrowed his eyes and tried it again; this time non-verbally. It just didn't work. Bryan Lessing remained alive and vivid in his conversation with Joelle. And Tom faced the greatest mystery. Why on earth could he not even perform the killing curse now? Was his power decreasing? Was his soul, perhaps, too tainted by affection? And then his eyes swept over to Joelle, hatred knocked on his chest with the increasing pace of his heartbeat. Tom raised his wand again.

But this time, he focused on Joelle.