Leia
Regretfully, I took off my red Che Guevara shirt and replaced it with a decadent senatorial dress that was obviously made by FUCKING exploiting the proletariat. I shuddered at is bourgeois nature as I put it on, but I knew that it was an essential part of my mission. It was necessary for the FUCKING REVOLUTION.
I walked downstairs and I was greeted with an obvious wince by my dad Anakin. He was clearly disgusted at my culturally appropriated garment. My dad Obi Wan smiled at me reassuringly, as did my brother Luke. I said goodbye to them and my Granny Shmi in the voice of Fidel Castro, before walking off with the steps of Stalin and climbing into my rebel ship.
Thankfully, R2D2 and C3PO were accompanying me on my mission. I had put the plans for the Dictatorship Star on a Marxist DVD, which was called RedRay instead of the capitalist BluRay version. BluRay was a capitalist attempt to culturally appropriate our DVDs, much like modern, hedonistic businesses in neo-colonial westerm countries attempt to culturally appropriate REVOLUTION with their Communist-themed kitschy bullshit. With the plans secured, I bolshevikly sat down at the controls and took off from Tatooine in a revolutionary manner. Thankfully Anakin had taught me how to pilot a ship and so I flew sovietly on my way to the Rebel Base that I had established for the FUCKING REVOLUTION.
I hadn't gotten very far when an imperial ship started firing racist bullets at me. "What the FUCKING FUCK was that?" I said rebelliously.
R2D2 beeped loudly in alarm. "HOLY SHIT-BALLS! IT'S THE TITTY-FUCKING EMPIRE!" C3PO translated for him.
"FUCK! Are you ABSOLUTELY FUCKING sure?" I asked in the voice of the OPPRESSED PEOPLE.
R2D2 let out a long stream of agitated noises, which C3PO calmly translated. "FUCK YEAH. I SWEAR ON MY FUCKING DATA-PORTS. THAT MUST HAVE BEEN THAT STUPID FUCKING IMPERIAL FUCKBAG KRENNIC ON HIS FUCKING SHIT STAIN OF A SHIP. THAT COCKMUNCHING TWATFACE WILL TURN THIS WHOLE FUCKING MISSION INTO A GIANT FUCKING CLUSTERFUCK IF WE DON'T GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE RIGHT-MOTHERFUCKING-NOW! FIRE UP THE FUCKING HYPERDRIVE, GOD-FUCKING-DAMMIT.
"Okay, beginning the calculations for the jump to hyperspace." I said sovietly. "Lets just hope we can FUCKING MAKE IT."
However, the moment I stopped speaking I felt a terrifying, OPPRESSIVE lurch. Our ship stalled and with a sinking feeling, I realised that the Imperial cruiser had caught us in its imperialistic tractor beam. Now it was was reeling us in in a very inequitable manner!
I jumped out of my seat and ordered everyone to their stations. Our comrades bravely hoisted their socialistic blasters and made ready to defend the ship. A huge blast echoed through the ship as the doors were violently forced open and stormtroopers surged into the corridor, their white armour symbolising their fascist, white supremacist allegiances.
"R2!" I called my comrade over. He came wheeling towards me, whistling in indignation. "These are the plans for the FUCKING FASCIST DEATH MACHINE the Emperor is building. Don't let them fall into Imperial hands." I held out the small disc to him.
R2D2 beeped communistically in reply, taking the disk and stowing it away in one of his compartments.
"FUCKING HELL YEAH. I'LL FUCKING RIP OUT MY OWN GODDAMN FUCKING CIRCUITS BEFORE I GIVE THEM OVER TO THOSE BANTHA-FUCKING FASCIST FUCKTURDS. FUCK THE FUCKING SHILL EMPIRE. VIVA LA REVOLUTION." C3PO translated for him.
"Take the escape pod and go back to Tatooine." I said in the voice of Lenin. "I will distract the FUCKING TROOPERS." I picked up a blaster and nodded. "May the Revolution be with you, Comrades."
