A/N: So I tried a new way of uploading, and it fucked everything up lol. Hopefully this works haha. Here's chapter 30, hope you like it xx
Maeve had never been to therapy. And as she walked into the office that smelled a little too much like vanilla, she was suddenly reminded of why. It looked exactly like any other doctor's office, but slightly smaller. Maeve figured it was because they never would have too many people waiting at the same time, probably because of privacy reasons.
She walked up to the tiny reception and was greeted with a very pleasant smile from the brunette receptionist. She looked like she was in her early thirties and Maeve could tell from her very rehearsed smile that she had been working here for a while.
"Good morning, how may I help you?" The receptionist asked, sounding a little too chirpy for their current situation.
"I have an appointment with Dr. Smith." Maeve said.
"Of course, what's your name?" The receptionist asked, readying herself to start typing Maeve's name into her computer.
Maeve looked around for a second, as if to make sure no one could hear and once she was sure no one was around, she said, "Maeve."
"Maeve, yeah 1 o'clock. Could you take a seat? Dr. Smith is just finishing up with her 12pm." The receptionist said.
Maeve nodded and headed towards the five chairs that were lined up against the wall, pointing at the TV that was playing the BBC. The more that Maeve looked around, the smaller the room seemed. Or maybe it was just her insecurities closing in on her.
She couldn't help but keep repeating the receptionist's words in her head, turning them over again and again, as if to understand the intention behind them. "Dr. Smith is just finishing up with her 12pm." There was nothing particularly unusual about what she had said but Maeve couldn't help but wonder if that's all she was going to be to her doctor, yet another time slot. Was she just going to be her 1pm?
Maeve felt kind of foolish being offended, especially since she hadn't even met the woman yet but she couldn't help but want to matter. Maybe that had been her life's struggle all along, the desire and need to feel like she mattered, that she had some sort of place in the world.
It hadn't even been five minutes and she was already making existential discoveries about herself. Did this mean she didn't need the therapy session anymore? Could she go home now, having learnt all there was to learn about herself?
Maeve despite how much she suddenly didn't want to do this was finding it hard to convince even herself. She knew she was just scared of what she would learn about herself. What if she didn't like what she found out? What if she was the reason her life had always kind of sucked? Maybe it wasn't everyone who had let her down, maybe she was the one who had been doing the disappointing all along.
Maeve was snapped out of what can only be described as a combination of an existential crisis and panic attack by the receptionist calling her name out and asking her to go to the door that was labelled "Dr. Smith."
Maeve warily walked into the room, immediately spotting the woman sitting in the single chair by the window. She didn't know why but Maeve wanted to avoid eye contact with her at all costs. So, she decided to look around the small room. There was the stereotypical leather couch in the center of the room that faced the chair the woman was sitting in. Next to the couch were two huge windows that brought in blinding sunlight. Behind the chair was a large table, which house a bunch of notes, files and a few potted plants. More plants lined the window sills, trying to make the place seem as cosy as possible.
The room wasn't big but at the same time felt large enough, as if anything more than this would be more than Maeve could handle. Once she had been pretending to be interested in the plants for longer than what would be deemed normal, Dr. Smith decided to clear her throat to get Maeve's attention.
"Hey Maeve, how are you doing?" Dr. Smith asked.
Maeve was forced to look at the woman. It was then that she noticed her, she was someone who seemed to be of average height, had shiny blonde hair that kind of look grey at times because of the sunlight. She also had the most piercing blue eyes that kind of reminded Maeve of Otis, which somehow made the whole experience a lot more intimidating.
"You can have a seat if you like." Dr. Smith said trying to get Maeve's attention, who was still standing firm at the door.
Maeve was trying to figure out whether she should bolt right away or give this a chance. But looking in to the doctor's beautiful eyes, she knew she had to at least sit down.
So reluctantly Maeve took a seat across the woman who seemed to be trying to read her. Maeve didn't like that, it made her uncomfortable, as if she was worried that the doctor might figure out something about Maeve that she didn't want her to know. In Dr. Smith's defense, she really wasn't trying to freak Maeve out, she was just observing her (it was kind of her job..).
"This was a mistake, I don't need to be here." Maeve said, getting up from the couch almost as soon as she sat down.
"Okay." Dr. Smith said, looking down at the empty page of her notepad, her pen positioned securely between her first two fingers.
"Okay? Aren't you going to stop me?" Maeve asked.
"Do you want me to stop you?" Dr. Smith asked.
"I mean isn't it your job to?" Maeve asked.
"No, it's really not. Therapy only works if you want to be here and you're ready to put in the work. The therapeutic relationship you and I build through this process is going to be one of the key factors that determines how beneficial this experience will be for you. So I'm not going to start that by forcing you to do something, you don't want to do." Dr. Smith said.
"If this is going to be based on our relationship, we're screwed. We might as well stop now." Maeve said with a humourless chuckle. She wasn't sure how but she'd managed to hurt her own feelings with the statement.
"Why do you say that?" Dr. Smith asked.
"Because every single one of my relationships ends in disaster. Because I'm indecisive as fuck. Just like right now, I can never make up my damn mind about whether I'm in or out. And this is exactly why Otis isn't around anymore, because he got tired of it, just like everyone else." Maeve blurted out. She had no idea where all of that came from or why she felt the need to say it someone who was practically a complete stranger but she felt lighter. As if she had been holding back the words and the pressure of them fighting their way out of her head had finally been released.
"Otis is?" Dr. Smith asked, trying her level best not to be too intrusive.
"My boyfriend..my ex-boyfriend. My.. he's the love of my life." Maeve said with a sigh. She had no idea how to else to explain the situation, she had no idea where she and Otis stood. All she knew was she loved him with every beat of her heart.
"Is he the reason why you're here?" Dr. Smith asked.
"Kind of? Not completely." Maeve said.
"Okay, then why would you say you're here." Dr. Smith.
"Because I'm tired of not knowing what I want most of the time. The times I do know, I run because a part of me believes I don't deserve to get what I want." Maeve said.
"Why do you think that is?" Dr. Smith.
"Because my mom never stuck around for more than a few months. My brother, who was my only support growing up is just as flaky and fucked up. People have always left. I hate being that girl, the girl who keeps saying "people always leave" but it's true isn't it? No matter what happens, I always end up all alone." Maeve said, a lump forming in her throat.
"For what it's worth Maeve, I don't think you're alone. You have you and I know that doesn't sound like much but it's everything. You showed up for yourself today, and you should be proud of yourself for that. God knows it isn't easy." Dr. Smith said.
Maeve looked up at the woman sitting across from her and smiled, the first bout of genuine happiness she had felt in what felt like weeks. The two women continued to talk till the time for Maeve's session was over, nothing major just Maeve sharing little bits about herself. She was thinking out loud for most of it, glad to have someone who would just listen. No judgment, no opinions, just silent support.
"So, I'll see you next week?" Dr. Smith asked, the uncertainty evident in her voice.
"Yeah, I think so." Maeve said with a smile before walking out the door.
Maeve knew therapy wasn't a magic switch, she'd heard it was a lot. A whole rollercoaster, some sessions would be easy, some would wreck her. But it made sense, unpacking and working through a lifetime of baggage was surely going to take everything she had. She kind of wanted to put in the work though, at least she thought she did. Today, for the first time everything wasn't about Otis or her mother or her brother, it was about Maeve. And maybe that's how things needed to be for a while.
