Leia

I was put in a disgustingly hedonistic cell while they made the jump to hyperspace. I knew they must be heading to the Dictatorship Star itself, so it would only be a matter of time before I was trapped inside the most capitalist, fascist structure THE GALAXY HAD EVER FUCKING SEEN. I fought the urge to be sick just thinking about it, and tried to focus on the message I had sent out to my family. Hopefully they could still transmit the plans to Yavin IV in time for the FUCKING REVOLUTION to take action. In the meantime, I just had to find a way to get myself out of this FUCKING BOURGEOISE SHITHOLE SHIP.

I spent so long lost in my thoughts that I barely noticed when the ship dropped out of hyperspace. Two white-supremacist stormtroopers arrived to escort me onto a FUCKING SHUTTLE so I could be transferred to the FUCKING DICTATORSHIP STAR.

To my bolshevik surprise, instead of being sent to another fucking cell I was taken to the bridge. Aside from the stormtroopers, classist officers and FUCKING CARDINAL KRENNIC another person was on the bridge. He was tall and thin and had his fascist back to me, the moment I got close enough I could sense a slightly paper-y scent rolling off him, almost like he had been rolling around in bank notes.

"Governor Tarkin." I said in the voice of KARL MARX. "I should have expected to find you holding Krennic's leash. I recognize your foul stench when I was brought on board."

"Charming to the last." He replied FASCISTLY OPPRESSING ME WITH HIS VOICE. 'You don't know how hard I found it signing the order to terminate your life." He reached out and touched my face with his bourgeois hands. I wanted to scream at this act of disgusting tyranny.

"I'm surprised you had the courage to take the responsibility yourself." I replied socialistically.

"Leia," He began, not giving me a title because as a FUCKING COMRADE I didn't have one. "Before your execution I would like you to be my guest at a ceremony which will make this battle station operational. No star system will dare oppose the Emperor now."

"The more you tighten your grip Tarkin, the more star systems will slip through your fingers." I said, my tone full of Marxist wisdom.

"Not after we demonstrate the power of this station." The FUCKING FASCIST continued FASCISTLY. "In a way, you have determined the choice of the planet that will be destroyed first. Since you are reluctant to provide us with the location of the Rebel base, I have chosen to test this station's destructive power on Alderaan."

It took a short, horrifying moment for that to sink in. "No!" I cried in working class horror, "Alderaan is peaceful! They have no weapons! You can't possibly-"

"You would prefer another target?" Tarkin interrupted me fascistly. "A military target? Then name the system." He paused and then stepped closer, his oppressive presence looming over me. "I grow tired of asking, so this will be the last time: where is the rebel base?"

I stared up into his cold, pale eyes, at his papery, wrinkled skin which was stretched over his bones like a death mask and thought of my Comrades on Alderaan. I thought of the proletariat, the brave workers of Alderaan. I thought of Comrade Vos and Comrade Ventress, who had stood by my fathers and fought so tirelessly for the Revolution. I thought of the Younglings.

"Dantooine." I lied truthfully, "They're on Dantooine."

"There," Tarkin said, smug fascism dripping oppressively off every syllable. "See, Cardinal Krennic, she can be reasonable." He turned to one of his cronies. "Continue with the operation, you may fire when ready."

"WHAT?" I shrieked. "WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK, YOU FUCK?!"

"You're far too trusting." Tarkin smiled, breathing fascistly, revelling in my LITERAL OPPRESSION. "Dantooine is too remote to make an effective demonstration… but don't worry, we will deal with your rebel friends soon enough."

"NO!." I gasped, lurching forward progressively. I wanted to tear Tarkin's FUCKING EYEBALLS out of his FASCIST FUCKING FACE for being such a DISGUSTING LYING FUCK-SACK OF MYNOC-SHIT. Krennic grabbed my shoulder in a tyrannically fundamentalist fashion and pulled me back. I struggled against him with revolutionary fervour, trying and failing to squirm free, but there was nothing, FUCKING NOTHING, I could do.

Lights flickered and flashed oppressively as the Death Star's bourgeoise weapons-system shuddered to life. There was an awful eerie humming sound that grew to a crackling crescendo of white noise as beam of blinding green light streaked across the black expanse of space, heading straight for Alderaan. It took less than a second - less than a heartbeat - for Alderaan to implode in a flat disc of red and yellow-gold flames, the planets Communist colours proudly displayed to the last. When the brilliant colours cleared, nothing but rubble and dust and blank black space remained.

Just like that, Alderaan and every last brave Comrade on it was FUCKING GONE.