Luke

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF SOCIALISM WAS THAT?" screamed my father Anakin angrily. My other father Obi Wan fell limply into his seat as though his body had become weak from capitalist greed and excess, but it hadn't because he was a glorious comrade.

"What's wrong?" asked Han Solo STEALING MY LINE like a corrupt banker would.

"I felt a great disturbance in the Force... as if millions of voices of COMRADES suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened." said Obi Wan Marxistly.

"NOT LEIA?" verbalized Anakin in a very calm and composed manner, using the voice of Lenin.

I searched my feelings using the force socialistically. I did not think Leia was dead. "No," I answered. "I don't think it's her."

"Don't everyone thank me at once." Said Han Solo capitalistically in a whiney voice, obviously asking for undeserved praise and private property.

I got out my copy of "Das Kapital" by Karl Marx and began to read it to try to calm myself down. I was extremely worried about my sister Leia.

"Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid," Han Solo drawled which made literally no sense in the context of the conversation. His feeble neurons must have been malfunctioning due to his preoccupation with how much money he was going to make from smuggling, not to mention all the private property he could acquire through the OPPRESSION OF THE PROLETARIAT. I was willing to bet (not that I do bet, because gambling is a form of wasteful capitalist folly) that he was developing dementia.

"Blasters are actually made in sweatshops through exploitation of workers by DENYING THEM RIGHTS AND BASIC WORKING CONDITIONS." I replied feministly, echoing the words of Rosa Luxembourg.

"Kid, Communism doesn't work. Just look at Venezuela." Lied Han in a bigoted voice that was literally oppressing everyone.

"VENEZUELA IS A GLORIOUS COMMUNIST COUNTRY! HOW DARE YOU INSULT THE BRAVE COMRADES THAT LIVE THERE YOU FUCKING ICE CREAM CONE! YOU HAVE FALSE CONSCIOUSNESS!" Cried Anakin in support of gay marriage.

"We're coming up on Alderaan." Said Han reading from his ships racist GPS display. "Our position is correct, except... no, Alderaan!"

"WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN NO FUCKING ALDERAAN, YOU ABSOLUTE FUCK-TARD? WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU TAKEN US?" Anakin gloriously proclaimed.

"That's what I'm trying to tell you, kid. It ain't there. It's been totally blown away." Said Han as he gerrymandered some electorates to favour the Republican party. His ship's display was beeping very loudly in an ableist way. It was clearly discriminating against deaf people with its racist alarms.

"STOP CALLING ME A KID, YOU FUCKING FETUS!" Anakin replied respectfully.

"Destroyed... by the SHILL EMPIRE!" said my dad Obi Wan as his face contorted with Communist rage, making him looked very much like Ho Chi Mihn. My heart started beating fast communistically. This meant that all the comrades on Alderaan like Ventress and Quinlan Vos were GONE FOREVER. My heart swelled with anarco-communist anger. THE EMPIRE WERE GOING TO PAY FOR THIS! THE REVOLUTION WOULD NOT BE EXTINGUISHED!

Suddenly, a TIE fighter came screaming out of the sky, firing bolts of racist oppression at us.

"It followed us!" I cried out as the Millenium Falcon rocked under its corporatist fire.

"No, it's a short range fighter." My dad Obi Wan answered in the voice of progressive policy.

"There aren't any bases around here." Han said, his face scrunching up in incompetent Capitalist confusion. "Where did it come from?"

"If it identifies us we will be in trouble." I cried out, aware that the fighter's fascist scanners were probably detecting vast amounts of Communism right now.

Chewie made a Marxist growl that greatly resembled the voice of Engels, swerving the ship to chase after the fighter in a valiant act of Soviet Revolution.

"Look, he is heading for that small and very Capitalist looking moon!" I pointed towards the small speck in the distance. It was easy to pick our against the utilitarian darkness of space as it was emblazoned with ads for Supreme Leader Sprite's sexist beverage company.

"That's no moon." Obi Wan said in the grave voice of Fidel Castro. There was a Marxist fire burning in his eyes.

"ITS A FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT TOOL OF CAPITALIST OPPRESSION!" My dad Anakin shrieked with great dignity, the red helmet distorted his voice and made it sound like the reasoned and wise tenor of Stalin.

"I have a very bad feeling about this." I said, even though I knew it was a stupid and overused line.

Suddenly a very sexist tractor beam started pulling us towards the... Dictatorship Star!