Luke

"LET'S FUCKING GO AND FIND MY FUCKING DAUGHTER." Anakin quoted from the socialist song 'The Internationale'.

Suddenly R2D2 communistically started beeping. "SHE'S AT THE MOTHERFUCKING LEVEL 5 DETENTION BLOCK A-A-23," translated C3PO. "THAT DONKEY-FUCK CARDINAL KRENNIC HAS HAD HER SCHEDULED TO BE FUCKING TERMINATED."

"Oh no! We've got to do something," I gloriously cried in a glorious socialist voice. I saw Han Solo eye me suspiciously with the eyes of white privilege.

"I'm not going anywhere." He said bourgeouisly pulling out his iPhone XS - which was literally called the IPHONE EXCESS - out of his racist pocket to play capitalist slot machine games on it.

"BUT THEY'RE GOING TO KILL HER YOU, FUCKING SPAGHETTI BOLOGNESE LOOKING FUCK!" Anakin cried in the voice of Trotsky.

"Better her than me." Shrugged Han oppressively. It was clear that he was not going to cooperate because of his false consciousness, so I decided that since the FUCKING REVOLUTION was at stake I needed to use a different approach.

"She's rich…" I began, impersonating the voice of Mussolini and leaning away to disguise the fact that I had just vomited into my mouth in disgust of my own words.

"Luke WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?" roared my dad Anakin comradely.

"Obi Wan told me that after Padme became a comrade before she died giving birth to us she changed her will. She left Leia her whole wardrobe. That way she could use her outfits as capitalist disguises. That wardrobe is full of decadent and opulent dresses that were made in sweatshops by exploiting people in third world countries. They would be worth a lot of money." I explained in the NAME OF THE REVOLUTION.

"Oh yes, actually that is correct. I remember now," said Anakin as we somberly held a minute's silence for my surrogate mother and fallen comrade Padme. Chewie let out a mournful growl.

"Rich?" asked Han, his disgustingly bourgeois voice interrupting our mourning of Comrade Padme and the fallen comrades from Alderaan. I could see his eyes light up with consumerist greed. Evidently he was fantasizing about all the exploitation that had gone into making Padme's dresses and how much private property he could acquire using her filthy capitalist money.

"Yeah she's really FUCKING RICH AND SHE'S SUCH A CAPITALIST YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE HER SO MUCH NOW HELP US PLS," said Anakin impersonating the greedy and whiny capitalist voice of Ronald Reagan.

Han turned around and aggressively accosted some of the shoddy opulently, classist control panels. "Here it is, cell 2185." He declared, busting the door open and opening fire on the white supremacist storm troopers. "You go and get her, I'll hold them here."

I looked at Han and for a moment I thought that he would make a good comrade, but then shook my head. I realised that he was too brainwashed by false consciousness and way too in love with the concept of private property to join THE REVOLUTION. That knowledge made me sad and I heaved a socialist sigh before rushing off to find Leia with the steps of Fidel Castro.

I opened the door to cell 2185 to find Leia lying down on the racist prison bench. She did look very pretty but I didn't stare at her like a creep because I had great respect for women. Also I believed that their contribution to the Communist state and the Revolution was far more important than their appearance. That and she was my sister, so staring would be weird.

"You're a little Socialist for a stormtrooper." She said, sitting up.

"Oh, the uniform." I sighed, cringing at how dumb my line was.

I took off my helmet and Leia recognised me at once. She didn't ask me who I was because that would have been pointless, even if that was HER ACTUAL LINE.

"I'm here with our dads." I told her rebelliously.

"Our dads?" She asked, jumping to her feet. "Where are they?"

"Anakin is busy defending us against the storm-troopers and their institutional racism." I said, running to join her as she rushed out of the cell.

Out in the control centre my dad Anakin was Communistically fighting the storm troopers, accompanied by Chewie and Han Solo.

"Let's get out of here!" moaned Chewie in the voice of Bernie Sanders. I wildly looked around the detention block in a glorious fashion but I couldn't see any door, other than the one that was racistly blocked by the white supremacist stormtroopers.

"There isn't any other way out!" I cried in the voice of all minorities.

"GIVE ME THAT FUCKING GUN YOU INCOMPETENT BOZOS," said Leia calmly and quietly so the stormtroopers couldn't hear her. I handed her the racist gun that I had stolen from the stormtroopers and she fired one of its fascist bullets at the wall, creating a hole in the shape of a hammer and sickle. "Get in," she commanded Han Solo in the way that Fidel Castro had commanded his followers to overthrow the capitalist Batista.

Han jumped in the hole and I quickly followed along with Anakin and reluctantly Chewie.