Leia
I jumped through the hammer and sickle shaped hole and landed heavily in a pile of dirty banknotes, cracked iphones, old Ferraris and poker chips.
"Where are we what is this place?" I said looking around in disgust at the decadent capitalist products. I could see that Luke, Anakin and Chewie were feeling as repulsed as I was, whereas Han was desperately trying to grab as many banknotes as he possibly could.
"I think this is supposed to be the garbage chute," said my brother Luke looking a lot like the glorious Turkish comrade Hasan Piker. I frantically cast my socialist eyes around the garbage chute's walls (which were wallpapered in printouts of Donald Trump tweets) to try to spot a way out but there was no door.
"Oh! The garbage chute was a really wonderful idea. What an incredible smell you've discovered! Let's get out of here! Get away from thereā¦" said Han in the petulant voice of Steven Crowder, even though NOBODY WAS SMELLING OR TOUCHING ANYTHING. Although he was a FUCKING CAPITALIST PIG I couldn't help but admire his rugged features and chiselled jaw. In my mind's eye, I pictured him wearing a red Che Guevara shirt with an ushanka on his head. My fantasy version of him was standing under the hammer and sickle flag, which rippled in the breeze as the working class of the galaxy redistributed the wealth of the 1%. Unfortunately my utopian fantasy was crushed by a strange gurgling sound.
"WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK WAS THAT? IS THERE A DIRTY CAPITALIST IN HERE?" whispered Anakin bolshevikly.
"It's just your imagination," crooned Han in a greedy voice evidently trying to distract us from any danger so that he wouldn't have his private property seized as part of the REVOLUTION. Suddenly, something moved from under a pile of selfie sticks and a small green hand protruded out fascistly.
"What the fuck is that FUCKING YODA THE SHRIVELLED SCROTUM HIMSELF?" I yelled quietly, not wanting to attract any attention from the white supremacist storm troopers who were surely patrolling the corridors above.
I watched incredulously as Yoda's side-hoe Yaddle (who was also dressed as the Monopoly Man and holding a stack of papers) leapt up from underneath the rubble and began to screech in an incredibly sexist voice, "WELCOME TO TONIGHT'S EPISODE OF WHO WANTS TO BE A MILLIONAIRE!"
I could see Han's eyes greedily fixed on Yaddle's feeble and wrinkly body. He was no doubt thinking of how good it would be to have ONE MILLION FUCKING DOLLARS THAT HE DIDNT EARN AND WAS WINNING AS A RESULT OF EXPLOITATION OF THE FUCKING PROLETARIAT.
"Fuck OFF Yaddle, you stupid sausage roll. Nobody even paid attention to you in the movies anyway." said my dad Anakin angrily. He ignited his red hammer and sickle lightsabre and advanced towards, her whilst also drafting legislation to make university education free.
Yaddle cackled in a voice that was a mixture of alarm and the vile tones of Pauline Hanson, reaching out her puny Tyrannosaurus Rex arm. "Oh no you don't," she said and used the force to activate the garbage crushing mechanism. The walls began to move, slowly coming closer and closer in a very militaristic fashion. We scrambled up and frantically tried to push the walls back to stop them from closing in on us. I grabbed a large selfie stick and tried to use it to prop the walls apart, with the help of Han whose large but gentle hands were wrapped around my waist stabilizing me. I almost enjoyed the moment, but then I remembered that he also used those hands to contribute to the capitalist economy that results in the alienation of the working class. I recoiled in disgust. We could have used the force on the walls to stop them from crushing us but we didn't, because in the original script we didn't have our Jedi powers yet. I was losing hope that we would escape from this materialistic hellhole of a garbage chute when my twin brother revolutionarily called our comrades C3PO and R2D2 on his Marxist walkie talkie.
"In the name of the REVOLUTION turn off the garbage crushing mechanism!" he quoted from A Communist Manifesto and the walls jolted to a halt and began to play the national anthem of the USSR.
"LETS GET THE FUCK OUT OF THIS ABELIST FUCKING HOLE AND GO AND FIND MY HUSBAND OBI WAN!" cried Anakin. We all force jumped out of the hammer and sickle hole unnoticed, mainly because the race realist stormtroopers were distracted by a new episode of The Rubin Report. Yaddle tried to follow us but we quickly closed the blast door and trapped her in the garbage chute sovietly.
"TURN THE CRUSHING MECHANISMS BACK ON!" cried my dad Anakin to R2D2 in the name of the FUCKING REVOLUTION and we all watched as the garbage crushers crushed Yaddle so much that she resembled a long green piece of spaghetti.
"VIVA LA REVOLUTION!" I declared rebelliously.
