Leia
We finally landed on the secret rebel base planet YAVIN IV which was an acronym for Yes All Vertebrates requIre commuNism In-order-to SurviVe. From a distance, the planet itself was a reddish orange (which was formed through a mixture of the communist colours red and yellow). As we got closer, we flew over lush forests (which would have been chopped down for industry on a capitalist planet) before arriving at the great stone structures that defined the rebel base. When we landed and got out of the Millenium Falcon, I noticed that the stones had reddish staining on them, clearly in preparation for our Communist attack on the facist forces of the Dictatorship Star.
I quickly rushed out of the capitalist ship and ran into the base, which was deeply working-class and utilitarian. Inside the red tinted light formed a warm glow, illuminating the many Hammer-and-sickle wing fighters that stood ready to defend the workers of the world. Many working class soldiers and labourers rushed nobly around the hangers, wearing identical grey jumpsuits that looked very much like Mao suits. A tear dampened my eye at the sight of the labourer's solidarity and I fought the urge to spontaneously burst out into the Internationale.
I quickly held an information session for the pilots of the ships, generously informing them of our plan to defeat the Dictatorship Star. As soon as I had finished, Mon Mothma sovietly strode up and informed me that Cardinal Krennic had placed a tracking device in the chastity belt he had made me wear as part of the nun outfit. They were setting their autocratic giant laser gun to fire on Yavin IV! There was no time to waste. We all prepared to board our hammer and sickle ships with Anakin stationed on the command ship. As there was no time to waste, we didn't even bother with the Soviet National Anthem, instead we immediately communistically flew out to greet the Empire's Tie Fighters. The moment we pulled into range, they began firing oppressive bullets made of oppression at us.
"This is Gold Leader standing by." I said rebelliously into my ship's microphone EVEN THOUGH IT WASN'T MY FUCKING LINE. GEORGE LUCAS HAD MADE ME STAY BACK ON YAVIN IV BECAUSE HE IS A SEXIST FUCKING LIBERAL!
"Red Leader standing by." I heard my brother Luke reply. It was a proud communist moment as our ships were designated the colours gold and red which are the colours of the hammer and sickle flag.
"COMMENCE HAMMER AND SICKLE FORMATION!" I heard Anakin cry sovietly, coordinating us from the command ship. I began to fly closer to the Dictatorship Star trying not to be distracted by it's shiny opulent exterior. It was clearly flaunting the Empire's immoral concentration of wealth.
"Leia look out!" I heard Luke's Marxist howl of alarm and I looked up to see a bunch of capitalist Tie Fighters. They were flying directly at me in a swastika formation! I skillfully dodged their bullets by swerving my ship in a very egalitarian manner and shooting bolts of red socialism back at them. I defeated them easily because they were flown by unqualified stormtroopers who had been under trained and only hired as a cost cutting measure. Their exploitative ships exploded into a glimmering shower of coins. It would have been quite a beautiful sight, if not for the fact that it was symptomatic of the unfair concentration of wealth in the one-percent. As I flew even closer to the Dictatorship Star I noticed a gigantic Tie fighter flying towards my brother Luke. It was shaped like a crucifix and it burned as it flew (even though space was a vacuum with no oxygen to fuel the combustion), no doubt powered by the sheer force of the colonialist oppression it signified.
"RED LEADER LOOK OUT! YOU ARE BEING FOLLOWED BY THAT CATHOLIC CUM RAG KRENNIC!" I enunciated into the microphone in the voice of Engels.
"Copy that Gold Leader," Luke replied in the stoic voice of the working class. He began some socialist maneuvers in the shape of a red star to distract Krennic and bamboozle his white supremacist targeting devices. But as Luke made a break for it and flew into a trench Krennic's KKK ship flared up with a violently oppressive burst of flame. His facist computer must have locked onto Luke's red Hammer-and-sickle wing, he was charging his weapons to racistly fire on him.
"NOOOOOOOOO" I cried comradely. Without Luke the FUCKING REVOLUTION could not continue. The fate of the working class of the entire galaxy hung in the balance, suspended amidst the tension of this perilous moment.
