Chapter 3: Headhunters

It was a just a normal day in the mystery shack, Erza brushing her teeth when she noticed the toothpaste was empty.

She went to the living room where the kids were the populate children's show Duck-tective.

"I can tell from the smell of your breath you just ate…" said Dipper, "An entire tube of toothpaste?"

"It was so sparkly." Said Mabel ashamed.

"That explained why the tooth paste was empty." Said Erza making her presence known.

"Sorry…" said Mabel.

"Don't worry I made sure not to get a non-toxic brand after what happened with the stickers." Sighed Erza.

That was when Soos came into the room.

"Hey guys you would never guess what I found!" said Soos.

"Buried Treasure!" said Dipper.

"Buried… hey, I was going to say that." Said Mabel.

Soos soon showed the three of them to a door.

"So I was cleaning up when I found this hidden door hidden behind the wallpaper and it was like bonkers creepy." Said Soos.

They found it was a room filled with wax figures.

"IT's some kind of secret wax museum." Said Dipper.

"They're so life like." Said Mabel.

"Expect that one." Said Dipper pointing to one.

"Hello!" said the wax figure.

Everyone but Erza started screaming.

"Relax I'm not a wax figure, it's me your Grunkle Stan." Who turned out to be Stan the whole time.

All but Erza screamed and ran out of the room.

"We should really calm them down." Said Stan.

"Yeah…" sighed Erza.

After the two clamed them down Stan showed them his old Wax Museum.

"Welcome to the Gravity Falls Wax Museum, one of the most popular attractions… until I forgot about it." Said Stan.

"I've been sleeping on a bed in the living room, and you had another secret room…" said Erza.

"Another?" asked Dipper.

"Never mind that…" said Stan, "And you know this is a storage room, you really want to sleep here?"

Erza blinked, "Point taken…" she admitted.

"Anyway I have all the greats, Genghis Kahn, Sherlock Holmes and…" said Stan.

He paused when he got to a wax figure of Larry King.

"Some kind of crazy goblin man." Said Stan.

"Is anyone else getting the creeps in here?" asked Dipper.

"And now for my personal favorite Wax Abraham Lincoln, right over here." Said Stan.

However it turned out that Wax Lincoln was just a puddle of melted wax now.

"No Wax Abraham Lincoln who did this." Said Stan, "Wax John Wilkes Booth I'm looking at you."

Stan sighed as he looked at the puddle.

"How do you fix a wax figure?" he asked.

"Cheer up Grunkle Stan." Said Mabel, "Where's that smile?"

He began to poke at his face. When she was done.

"Don't worry Grunkle Stan, I'll make you a new wax figure." Said Mabel.

"Do you really think you can make one of these puppies." Said Stan.

"I'm an arts and crafts master." Said Mabel she lifted her arm revealing a hot glow gun stuck on her sweater, "Why do you think I have a hot glue gun stuck on my sweater sometimes?"

"Arms up." Said Erza.

Mabel sighed and lifted her arms and Erza took off the sweater.

"Requip!" said Mabel changing to a different sweater, "Also I make all of my sweaters…"

"Really? I just thought you had had a crazy sweater budget like your mom's costume budget." Said Stan then looked at Erza, "Wait are you still obsessed with costumes?"

"I've never been obsessed with costumes." Said Erza.

Stan looked at the kids who looked a bit too scared to nod but he took it that she was still obsessed with costumes.

"Well I guess I can/t lose anything if I do it." Said Stan.

"All right!" said Mabel.

Sometime later Mable was coming up with ideas for what to make.

"Mom! Dipper come see this!" she shouted.

Both of them came running in.

Turns out she wanted to show them stuff.

"Here's my ideas for a Wax Sculpture." Said Mabel.

IT was a very weird thing.

"She's part Fairy Princess, part Fairy Horse Princess." Said Mabel.

"Uh… said Erza.

"Why don't you make something real." Said Dipper.

"I also have plan for a giant Happy." Said Mabel showing a picture of a blue cat with wings.

"Well he is real…" said Dipper, "But I don't think anyone would believe that he is."

Happy was a talking, blue cat that could fly from Erza's home universe. To be honest Dipper was never sure if it was something his mother made up for the stories of her past or if he really existed.

Although his mother insisted he was real despite everything sounded made up even by the standards of her home universe.

"Maybe you can make someone from your family…" said Erza.

"Hey kids have you seen my pants?" asked Stan walking into the room in his underwear.

He did an epic pose that inspired Mabel.

And thusly she began to work on a wax figure of her uncle.

She invited Erza, Dipper and Soos to see the almost final product.

"What do you think…" said Mabel, "Does it need more Glitter?"

"Oh know it does." Said Soos .

Mabel tossed a bucket of glitter onto the stature.

"Hey I found my pants but now I can't find my shoes." Said Stan walking into the room.

He began to freak out when he saw the statue .

"Are you okay…" said Erza, "It's just a stature…"

Stan managed to regain his composure and he smiled.

"So what do you think?" asked Mabel.

"I think the Wax Museum is reopening!" said Stan with a big smile.

And soon it was time for the Grand Reopening of the Wax Museum.

Of course it was a big deal and the whole town arrived.

However Wendy and Dipper both had to be bribed to attend and work the stand.

Stan soon approached the podium.

"You all know me, town Darling Mr. Mystery, please ladies control yourself." Said Stan.

Nonie of the woman of course reacted.

"I have brought this town many novelties and befuddlements. The likes the world has never seen!" Said Stan, "And now behold! Me!"

He unveiled the very good looking stature of himself.

While Soos did sound effects no one reacted well.

"Now a word from our little Mabelanglo." Said Stan.

Mabel walked over to the podium.

"It's Mabel." Said Mabel, "Thank you for coming I made this stature with my blood, sweat, tears and other fluids."

The town cringed when she said that.

"I will now take questions." Said Mabel.

That was when the old man who built the Gobblewonker raised his hand.

"Hi! Old Man McGucket, local coot." Said the old man, "Are the wax figures alive and a follow up question… age the wax figures alive?"

Mabel stared at Old Man McGucket. "Um… yes?" she responded confused, "Next questions."

She motioned to a small man with a mustache.

"Hello Toby Determined, Gravity Fall Gossiper. Do you really think this qualifies as a wonder of the world." Said the man holding a microphone.

"Your microphone's a turkey baster, Toby" Said Stan.

Indeed it was turkey baster.

Erza butted in so Stan wouldn't say any more horrible things.

"Now any more questions?" asked Erza.

"Shandra Jimenez, real reporter." Said a rather good-looking woman, "Your fliers promised free pizza for this event, is this true?"

Everyone began to angry demanding pizza.

"Stanley…" growled Erza.

"Isn't his name Stanford?" asked Mabel.

"I misspoke…" said Erza still glaring at the old man.

"Uh… uh… goodnight everybody!" he yelled then he threw a smoke bomb.

This of course made the entire crowd.

"Don't worry sweetie, I'll find him." Said Erza.

"Please go easy on him…" said Mabel.

That night thankfully Erza cooled down and decided to bake a cake. As she was making the finishing, she saw something at the corner of her eye. She knew it wasn't the kids or Stan.

"Requip!" she whispered requipping a sword into there hand.

She began to follow the mysterious figure into the room with the wax statures.

She looked around and then she heard Stan scream.

"Oh no…" she whispered.

Then it turns out he was fine… physically however he was watching TV with his wax stature and had to take a leek and now the stature was headless.

"Wax Stan was murdered!" yelled Stan.

"I saw someone earlier, I'm going to look around the woods for a bit, call the police." Said Erza.

She searched the woods, but couldn't find anyone… when she got back to the mystery shock she heard and argument between Sheriff Blubs, his Deputy Durland and her children. Apparently the Sheriff claimed that the case was unsolvable and Dipper said he could solve it.

"I think my son will be able to solve the case better than you can." Said Erza walking into the room.

"Oh really what makes you…" said sheriff Blubs then he saw who it was and was shocked, "Ms. Scarlet? Is that you?"

Dipper and Mabel were surprised.

"Oh right… I blocked it from my mind you helped the police a few times…" muttered Stan.

"It's Mrs. Pines now…" said Erza.

"Wait I heard you got a divorce." Said Sheriff Blubs.

"I have no plans to go to my maiden name." said Erza.

"Mrs. Pines, you've been out of the game far too long." Said Sheriff Blubs, "And you're kid is just too adorable."

"Adorable." Muttered Dipper.

"Look Mrs. Pines… let the cops handle the case…" said Sheriff Blubs, "And make sure your little City Boy doesn't get involved either."

"You know I saved your job… twice." Pointed Erza, "I'm sure the police force is just a incompetent as back in the day…"

"It's never been incompetent." Said Sheriff Blubs.

That was when they got an APB about someone at the station trying to fit a cantaloupe in their mouth…

They of course left.

"I didn't know you used to work for the police…" said Dipper.

"Only a couple times." Said Erza, It wasn't investigating, mostly physical stuff… besides I figured you wouldn't care for the stories."

"Yeah, they're probably not as existing as say fighting monsters or evil wizards…" said Mabel.

Erza nodded.

"But I think Dipper should do the investigating." Said Erza.

"All right!" said Dipper, "Then I'll show who's adorable!"

That was when Dipper sneezed… it was a very tiny sneeze.

"Aw… you sneeze like a kitten." Said Mabel.

"I think you should head to bed before investigating though." Said Erza.

"Yes, mom." Sighed the twins.

The next day Dipper began to his investigation, thanks to Mabel he found two clues, one was a shoe print with a hole in it. And the other was an Axe.

"I think we can get mom's name off the list." Said Mabel.

"What?" asked Erza.

"I was joking!" said Mabel.

They decided to show it to Soos since he knew a lot about the town.

"This looks like an axe." Said Soos.

"Do you know of anyone who would use an axe?" asked Erza.

"Oh yeah, Manly Dan." Said Soos.

"Manly Dan?" asked Dipper.

"He's the big lumberjack." Said Soos.

Indeed Manly Dan was one of the one angriest about the lack of free pizza.

"Do you know where hangs out?" asked Mabel.

"Oh yeah, this really tough biker bar downtown." Said Soos.

"All right we should go there." Said Erza.

"All right!" cheered both Dipper and Mabel.

"Due you guys are like the Mystery Twin or something… I can't think of anything to include your mom…" said Soos.

This made the three stare at him.

"Please don't call use that…" said Dipper.

"Would the Mystery Family be better…" said Mabel.

"Don't encourage him." Whiskered Dipper .

They went outside to see Stan with a coffin.

"Stan… what are you doing." Said Erza.

"I'm going to go have a memorial for wax me, something small but classy." Said Stan.

"We're going to have to talk about this once we get back." Sighed Erza.

"So where are you heading?" asked Stan.

"We have a lead in the case." Said Dipper.

"That's right a lead!" said Mable as she held up the axe while making horror movie noises.

Stan looked at the kids then at Erza.

"Bow did you get custody again?" asked Stan.

"There wasn't a fight." Explained Erza.

Stan blinked, "Ouch…" he said realizing the implications.

They headed to the biker bar where they saw a bouncer.

"All right, I have a plan." Said Erza.

"Really…" said Dipper surprised that his mom was going to let them in.

Then again it was a culture thing, after all where Erza was raised Bars weren't that big a deal.

And so they headed to the bouncer.

"Sorry we don't' serve miners." Said the bouncer.

That wasn't a spelling error, as he was talking to a miner.

Once the minor left, Erza and the twins approached the bouncer.

"Excuse me, I found my kids drinking beer and I want to show them whey they shouldn't drink." Said Erza, "Is it okay if I use this bar."

The bouncer shrugged and let them in.

They entered the bar where they saw an unconscious man on the floor.

"Why shouldn't you two start drinking again." Said Erza.

"We don't want to be like Cana." Said both Dipper and Mable.

Cana was a firmed from Erza's home universe… she was a notorious alcoholic so Erza often used her as a reason for them never to drink lest they drink whole barrels of booze.

"Let's go talk to Manly Dan." Said Erza.

However Mabel being Mabel got distracted and ended up in a conversation with a biker.

So it was up to Erza and Dipper to talk to Manly Dan, who was at an arm wrestling machine.

"Manly Dan, just the person we wanted to see." Said Dipper.

"Where were you last night?" asked Erza.

"I was punching the clock." Said Manly Dan.

"So you were working." Said Dipper.

"I was punching the clock." Said Manly Dan.

Erza and Dipper noticed outside, which was busted.

"10 o-clock." Said Dipper.

"He's not it." Said Erza.

"So I guess you never seen this before." Said Dipper taking out the axe.

"I would pick my teeth with that Axe." Said Manly Dan, "That's a left handed Axe, I only use my right hand! The manly hand."

He tore apart the machine as a little biker man was cheering him on.

"Get 'im! Get 'im!" cheered the little biker man.

"Left handed." Sid Dipper.

"Let's go find your sister." Said Erza.

Turns out she was telling the future to a biker using her paper fortune teller.

"Your wife is going to be beautiful!" said Mabel.

"Come we need to get out of here." Said Dipper.

As they left the Biker cried, "Wait! But will she love me!"

Once they were out of the bar Dipper began to explain to Mabel about the axe and how it was left handed.

"All right, so all we have to do is figure out who is left handed." Said Dipper.

"All right we are on a roll." Said Mabel.

They began to figure who in the town was left handed, thanks to the fact that only 10 percent of the population was left handed it was hard… heck one of their suspects broke both of his arms.

But soon they had only one person left.

"Of course it all ads up." Said Mabel.

"I don't know I'm a bit skeptical on this one." Said Erza.

"Why?" asked Dipper.

Erza lifted the axe.

"He doesn't seem like the type to use an axe…" said Erza.

"Too wimpy?" asked Mabel.

"I didn't use those words." Sighed Erza.

"But all of the signs point to him." Said dipper.

"Fine…" sighed Erza.

They contacted Sheriff Blubs and Deputy Durland.

And so they went to raid Toby's house.

They told them that thanks to the evidence pointing to him (as he used his left hand to hold the turkey baster and he had holes in his shoes).

He even had motive (to get people to buy his newspaper) .

However he also had an alibi, he had footage of him dicing with a cutout of Shandra Jimenez.

Erza covered her children's eyes.

"Thanks mom." Said Dipper.

"Well the time stamp proves you didn't do it…" said Sherriff Blubs, "You freak of nature."

"Hooray!" said Toby.

"Check the axe for finger prints." Said Dipper.

"And not mine or my children's." said Erza.

They check beyond the Pines' family there wasn't anything.

"No prints." Said Dipper.

Erza was getting worried.

"Newsflash! Kids waste everyone time!" said Deputy Durland.

Erza glared at Durland.

He hid behind Blubs.

"I see that glare of your is potent as ever." Said Blubs.

Erza took her children's' hands.

"Come on…" eh said wanting to spare them from any embarrassment, "We have a memorial to attend."

And they attended Wax Stan's memorial service.

"Kids, Erza, Soos… lifeless wax figures, thank you all for coming." Said Stan.

Indeed the room was filled with the family and Soos.

"Some people think it might be wrong to love a wax replica of himself…" said Stan.

"They're wrong!" yelled Soos.

"Easy Soos." Said Stan, "Any was Wax Stan I hope you're pickpocketing up there in heaven."

He began to cry.

"Excuse me I have glitter in my eye." Said Stan.

He ran out of the room.

"Ohhh! Dude!" yelled Soos.

"I have to go talk to Uncle about this." Sighed Erza, "And don't worry it has nothing to with narcissism… you're uncle has issues when it comes to things like this…"

Mable and Dipper ended up talking about the case.

"Those cops were right about me." Sighed Dipper.

"We can't give up just yet." Said Mabel, "Maybe mom knows what's going on…"

Dipper sighed.

That was when he noticed that Wax Stan's foot had a hole in it.

"Yeah, It's so that pole thing can attach them to the stand deelies." Said Mabel.

That was when Dipper realized what was going on.

"Mabel, hold in the shoe, no finger prints, I figured it out." Said Dipper.

"The killers are right behind you." Said a voice.

They turned around and the Wax Figures came to life.

Dipper gasped.

"Wax Sherlock Holmes… Wax Shakespeare… Wax Coolio?" asked Dipper.

The Wax Figure of Lizzie Borden grabbed the axe.

"Congratulations my two armature sleuths… you have unburied the truth." Said Wax Sherlock, "Now applaud them for your efforts."

There was clapping.

"Now that sounds too sincere, slow clap…" said Wax Sherlock.

The clapping became sarcastic.

"There we go nice and conceding." Said Wax Sherlock.

"Figures you guys are magic." Said Mabel.

"Magic?" asked Sherlock, "What makes you say magic?"

Mabel was about to say something but Dipper shook his head.

"We're cursed!" said Wax Sherlock.

"Cursed! Cursed!" chanted the other wax figures.

"You know Sherlock's voice sounds familiar." Mumbled Mabel.

"Cursed to come to life whenever the moon waxes." Said Sherlock, "You're uncle bought us a garage sale."

"A haunted garage sale son!" said Wax Coolio.

And so they explained that many years ago they were stolen by Stan and how during the nights they had full rein of the house. However one day he closed up shop, put them in storage and forgotten about.

Turns out they were trying to kill Stan and not behead the wax figure.

"You're mother noticed me however I was able to evade her by coming to this room... " Said Wax Sherlock, She was comply unaware that I was the one…"

"I'm getting board the speeches." She moaned, "Dipper do something."

Dipper sighed and looked at a table of food Stan had set up and Dipper magical flung all of the stuff at them hoping something would work, turned out the coffee.

"Of course hot melty things!" said Mabel.

"How were you able to do that?" asked Sherlock.

"You might be cursed! But we're magic!" said Mabel.

Dipper hovered a pair of electric candles and use them to cut the various wax figures.

"I'm going to get mom." Said Mabel running out of the room.

Wax Shakespeare grabbed her by the sleeve however.

"Requip!" called out Mabel getting rid of the sweater entirely.

"What?" asked Wax Shakespeare as Dipper cut off its arm.

In the hall way Soos waited outside.

That was when Mabel arrived.

"What's going on?" asked Mabel.

"You're mom's talking to him… must be secret stuff she knows being like his daughter and all…" said Soos.

"Oh…" said Mabel, "MOM GET OUT HERE DIPPER'S IN DANGER!"

The door opened.

"We found the real culprits!" said Mabel.

"Lead the way." Said Erza.

"Oh come on!" cried Stan, "I wasn't done talking!"

They two went into the room to find that Dipper was dodging a sword from Wax Sherlock Holmes.

The other wax figures grabbed Erza and Mabel.

Erza was able to punch the wax figure.

"Requip!" called out Erza calling upon the red sword, she tossed it at Dipper.

"Mom…" said Dipper.

"I'm trusting you with this…" said Erza as she struggled against the wax figures.

Dipper nodded and grabbed the sword, he channeled is magic into it, and it was on fire.

Wax Sherlock Holmes blinked.

"So that explains your mom's sword." Said Wax Sherlock.

That was when Dipper got an idea.

"What's that over there!" yelled Dipper.

Dipper ran away dragging the sword while wax Sherlock Holmes ran after him yelling "That didn't even work!"

"Requip!" called out Erza taking out a large battle axe.

"Time to finish this." Said Erza.

"Oh now I know where I herd his voice, he sounds like the English guy from the Daily Show!" said Mabel.

"Mabel…" sighed Erza as she cut down the wax figures.

"What I watch it in the mornings…" said Mabel.

Outside Dipper managed to lead Sherlock out, he blocked Sherlock's blow, however Sherlock tries not to his Dipper too much since the sword was on fire.

"You clearly don't' know how to use that thing…" said Wax Sherlock.

"This is the first time my mom has let me handle any of her weapons…" said Dipper.

He tired to attack Dipper again but Dipper dodged and it knocked over the S in Mystery Shack (so it now read Mystery Hack).

"Do you really think you can outwit me boy?" asked Wax Sherlock, "I'm Sherlock Bleedin' Holmes have you seen the size of my magnifying glass?"

"Have any sunscreen?" asked Dipper.

"What?" asked Sherlock.

That was when the sun came up and Sherlock began to melt.

"No!" yelled Wax Sherlock.

As he melted Erza came out and saw what was happening.

"Are you okay?" asked Erza.

"I'm fine." Said Dipper.

"Oh little mommy is here to comfort you…" mocked Wax Sherlock as he melted.

Erza grabbed the sword from Dipper, and immediate the flame was extinguished.

"You have no idea what you've done to my family…" muttered Erza glaring at him.

She swiped her sword and fire shot form it, hitting Wax Sherlock making him melt even faster than before.

"I didn't even get a good final word in!" cursed Wax Sherlock.

And with that he was dead.

"Dipper…" said Erza.

"Yeah…" said Dipper.

"Don't get what the those said about you… they're not exactly the best around." Said Erza, "Blubs has always been a terrible sheriff, and Durland… he used to work here."

"Really?" asked Dipper.

"Stan fired him because he was terrible at his job." Said Erza.

Dipper laughed.

"Also there's a lot of dangerous things in this town, and you proved yourself tonight." Said Erza, "I think I'm going to teach how to use a sword…"

"What?" asked Dipper surprised, "But I can't use Requip!"

"But that doesn't mean you can't wield a magic sword." Said Erza.

Dipper nodded.

Both of them went back into the room where Mabel was finishing off the last of the Wax Figures. Dipper noticed his uncle's wax head on the wall and removed it.

"What happened to my parlor?" asked Stan.

"Communist spiders did something to wax figures." Said Erza.

"Stupid commie spider." Muttered Stan.

The twins stared at their mother who just shrugged.

"But looks what we found." Said Dipper.

"Oh I missed you so much." Said Stan taking the head, "You two deserver some affectionate noogieing!"

As they celebrated Blubs and Durland showed up right outside the window.

"Solve the case little boy?" asked Blubs, "I'm so confident you're going to say no that I'm going to take a nice long sip."

"Actually we did." Said Dipper.

That was when Blubs spat out the coffee on Durland who spat out his own coffee.

"They got scalded" mocked Stan.

"You got all of the wax figures?" asked Erza.

"I'm 99 percent sure I did." Said Mabel.

Little did they know Wax Larry King escaped!

But it was only a head so he wasn't a threat…

Besides, Erza was going to teach dipper how to use swords so even if he did make himself known he wouldn't be a problem…

And so the case was solved with the twins unaware of Stan's real problem with the wax figure… But for now it was better that way…

Next Time: Mabel get asked out by Stan's rival "Lil" Gideon, a self proclaimed psychic, but when Mabel asks Dipper to break up with him for things get out of hand... what will happen? Find out next time!