Luke

I sped through the Dictatorship Star trench, acutely aware of the fact that Cardinal Krennic was bearing down on my hammer-and-sickle wing with his flaming KKK cross ship. A bead of socialist sweat rolled down my forehead as I checked the ship's computer. "Almost there," I muttered out loud to myself in the voice of Che Guevara, who's gorgeous communist face adorned my shirt. "Almost there"...

Suddenly, all of a sudden I heard a loud noise from behind me. I looked in the ship's rear view mirror and to my complete surprise I saw that Han had swooped in with the Millenium Falcon and shot at Krennic. The KKK ship was now spiralling wildly off course.

"Yahoo!" I heard a Han cry. Even when saving the entire revolution Han could not help himself but to provide free advertising for capitalist internet search companies.

"What are you doing?" I heard my sister Leia ask over the ship's communication systems in the VOICE OF THE PROLETARIAT.

"Saving you," replied Han, his voice sounding less like that of Ronald Regan and more like Bernie Sanders. "I grew up on Corellia where my labour was exploited to make Krennic's cross ships. I guess I am a bit of a socialist myself when I think about it."

But there was no time to think about how Han had shed his false consciousness, because finally we were able to maneuver our ships into a hammer and sickle formation surrounding the Dictatorship Star.

"Use the Force comrades," I heard the voice of my dad Obi Wan's force ghost command us. I wiped away a Marxist tear as Leia, Anakin and I used the force together. We were united as the FUCKING WORKING CLASS OF THE GALAXY watched on, and together FUCKING LIBERATED THEM FROM THE TYRANNY OF THE EMPIRE. Due to our immense combined Communism, a hammer-and-sicke-shaped vent began to open in the space time continuum. With the glorious sound of the national anthem of the USSR as a soundtrack, and the Dictatorship Star fell into the vent and we closed it with our force powers. The Dictatorship Star was swallowed up by the void as the vent knit back together and finally ensured economic freedom FOR THE FUCKING PEOPLE.