Chapter 6: Dipper VS. Manliness

It was normal day in the Mystery Shack Gift Shop… Tyler, the cute little biker was shopping but he couldn't deice on anything.

"When do you think he'll actually buy something?" asked Stan.

Erza shrugged.

"Mom… Grunkle Stan… can we go to the Diner? We're hungry!" said Mabel.

"Hungry…" said Dipper the two touched their bellies together.

"Once he decides on something." Said Stan.

"Do you have this in another animal?" asked Tyler.

"I'm fine with locking him inside if you are." Said Stan.

"Just this once." Said Erza.

And so they locked him in the shop as he debated wither to buy a Puma Shirt or a Panther Shirt.

They got to Greasy's Diner where a good chunk of Town was Eating.

The waitress who Stan (who seemed to flirt a little) ordered a third of a Number 7, two free said dressings and a plate of ketchup.

"But Grunkle Stan! I want Pancakes!" said Mabel.

"Seriously Stan?" asked Erza.

"Look I'm not made of money." Said Stan.

A follow came out of his sleeve and pushed it back in.

"And besides you're not taking any jobs." Said Stan.

"I've been helping out the realtor lately deal with some problems she has in houses I have no intention of buying." Said Erza, "And she's been paying me enoguh…"

Dipper noticed the manliness tester. With a sign that if someone beats it they get a plate of free pancakes.

"Don't worry guys! Pancakes aerie on me!" said Dipper, "I'm going to beat manliness tester and win those pancakes."

Both Stan and Mabel burst out laughing. Erza just glared at the two.

"What's so funny?" asked Dipper.

"Not offense Dipper but you're no Elfman." Said Mabel.

Elfman was a firmed of Erza's back home, he was as manly as Manly Dan… expect without all the hair.

"Oh come on!" yelled Dipper, "And besieges according mom's story he was wimp at our age."

"Look you got no muscles, no hair and let's not forget last week's incidents." Said Stan.

Said Incident was him walking him on Dipper signing BABBA's hit "Disco Girl."

"You were singing to girly Icelandic Pop Section BABBA?" asked Mabel.

"No I wasn't. And that's not impart" said Dipper he opened up his shirt, "I mean look at my chest hair."

All three at the table were blinded how shiny his chest was.

"Put it away! Put is away!" yelled Mabel.

"So smooth! My eyes." screamed Stan.

"Dipper… please…" said Erza.

"Aw man…" said Dipper closing his shirt.

Both Mabel and Stan started laughing again.

"No offense Kid, but your mom is more manly than you." Said Stan, "And I bet she gets a higher score than you!"

"You're on!" said Dipper.

"There's no harm in it." Said Erza with a shrug.

Both of them walked to the Manliness Tester, Dipper of course tired first. He took a breath.

"All right…" he said.

HE grabbed it, the lights flashed and it came out Wimp. It gave him a certificate that said "You are a cutie patootie"

"Oh come on…" said Dipper, "Your turn mom."

Everyone watched as the woman tested it. The lights lit up… and all the to Manly Man.

Everyone stared at the site. A woman had beat the Manliness Tester.

Manly Dan of all people gaped the most.

"All right kids! I got Pancakes!" said Erza picking up the plate of pancakes.

Manly Dan stared at the red head as she walked past them back to the table where Stan and Mabel were.

"Who is that?" Manly Dan managed to say.

Wendy who was sitting next to him.

"You mean Mrs. P?" asked Wendy, "She's Stan's adoptive daughter or something… I don't know her story expect for a few things."

"Mrs.…" said Manly Dan slumping a little, "So she's married."

Wendy looked at her very manly father, surprised as his behavior.

"She's divorced." Said Wendy.

This made her father perk up.

"Really?" he asked.

Wendy was surprised at her father behavior.

Then she realized it, he had a crush on her.

Wendy had never seen her father act this way.

Back at the table, Erza noticed that Dipper hadn't join her.

"Dipper?" she asked.

She saw Dipper just standing there.

"I need some chest hair and fast." Said Dipper.

He started to run away. But then he was tripped by a beaver.

"I'm fine!" said Dipper, "Everything's fine!"

Dipper ran out of the diner.

Erza turned to Stan with a harsh glare.

"Mabel, we're sitting elsewhere…" said Erza picking up the plate of pancakes, "Then you're coming with to work, I have a job today."

"Yay! Wizard Job!" said Mabel.

Erza found a table nearby and walked passed Manly Dan. Manly Dan could help but to stare.

Mabel noticed the way he was staring.

"Dad, don't you have to go to work?" asked Wendy.

Manly Dan finished his meal and headed to the logging camp, unable to get the red head out of his mind.

Meanwhile Dipper was just walking through town, he wasn't having a good day. He got sprayed by a broken fire hydrant.

Then this happened.

He bumped into a woman.

"Oh sorry." Said the woman, "By the way have seen the mailman?"

"Oh what? Are you saying I'm not a male man?" asked Dipper, "That I'm not a male or a man?"

"Are you crying?" asked the woman.

Dipper was crying and then he ran away.

Sometime later he was doing some working out in the forest.

He noticed he had no chest hair yet. He deiced to eat some jerky that had the label "You're inadequate."

"You said it brother, I need help." Sighed Dipper .

He began to eat the Jerky, that was when the forest began to shake. Many animals began to run away or fly in the birds case.

That was when he saw Manly Dan was among the ones running.

"For the love that is holy, run!" yelled Manly Dan.

Dipper grabbed his hat and started to run.

He heard a terrible roar and a large creature approached Dipper.

It looked to a be Minotaur, of course Dipper screamed like a little girl, trying to be manly he stopped and screamed deeper.

The Minotaur create roared again… however it turns out he it wads just a yawn. He grabbed a nearby deer and used it as a back scratcher.

Dipper tired hiding n but the Minotaur saw him and knocked away the hiding spot.

"Please don't' eat me! I haven't showered in like a week and I'm all elbows and gristle!" begged Dipper.

"You!" yelled the Minotaur.

Dipper was shaking.

"Are you going to fish that?" asked Minotaur.

Dipper realized he was talking about the Jerky.

"No…" answered Dipper.

He tossed over the Jerky.

"I can't believe it." Sid Dipper, "Part animal, part human… are you some kind of Minotaur?"

"I'm a Manotaur! Have man… half uh… taur!" yelled the Minotaur… uh… Manotaur.

"The smell of jerky summoned me! JERKY!" he yelled out.

He began to punched down a tree and break a rock with his head. He smell the air.

"I smell… emotional issues." Said the Manotaur.

"I have problems Manotaur… man relegated problems." Said Dipper.

He sat down and let Dipper talk to him.

"Well my unlace called me a wimp and not only did I fail at this manliness video game thing but my own mom beat me…" said Dipper.

The Manotaur listened and nodded.

"You seem pretty manly, can you give me some pointers?" asked Dipper.

"Very well child, climb onto my back hair!" said the Manotaur.,

Dipper did and the Manotaur ran through the forest.

Meanwhile Manly Dan continued running that was when he heard a inhuman screech. He walked over to where the screeching was coming from and he saw a horde of giant spiders by a cabin.

His jaw dropped when he saw who was fighting them. It was Erza in in a armor that had a pair of dragon like wings, hair was also now in a ponytail.

She fought off the horde of giant spiders even killing some.

Manly Dan watched whole blushing.

"HALLO!" yelled Mabel coming out of the one bushes.

"GAH!" yelled Manly Dan then noticed it was only Mabel.

"You like my mom… don't you." Said Mabel.

"It's been a long time since I've seen a woman like that." Said Manly as she watched her fight the spider .

"You should talk to her." Said Mabel.

Manly Dan was surprised.

"I want my mom to get together with any good guy…" said Mabel, "She's been hung up on this one guy and he's really not good for her."

"You dad?" asked Manly Dan.

"No not my dad! My dad is a butt face!" yelled Mabel, "Some other guy…"

Manly Dan nodded.

"So when she's done fighting the spider you should go over and talk to her." Said Mabel.

That was when one of the spiders jumped right in front of them, however suddenly it scrammed and it was dead with a spear jutting from it's back.

"Mabel! Stay down!" yelled Erza who was in a different armor that was yellow with strange ear like things on her hair (her hair was also back down).

"Yes mom!" said Mabel going to back into hidden .

Manly Dan continued to watch, amazed by Erza's abilities.

Meanwhile with Dipper, the Manotaur brought him to a cave that was filled with Manotaurs.

"Wow.. this place is amazing." Said Dipper.

"Gnomes live in trees, merpeople live in the water! 'Cause they're losers! We Manotaurs crash in the man cafe!" yelled the Manotaur.

The Manotaur went over and rang a gong to alter the other Manotaurs.

"beasts I have brought you a small hairless child!" called out the Manotaur.

"S'up." Said Dipper.

The Manotaur began to introduced the others.

"This is Pubetaur, Testosteraur, Pituitaur an I am Chutzpar." Said the Manotaur who brought Dipper, "And you are?"

"I am Dipper…" said Dipper.

The Manotaurs booed.

"The uh… Destroyer." Said Dipper.

Chutzpar once again rang the gong.

"Dipper the Destructor wants us to teach him the secrets to being Manly." Said Chutzpar.

"I need your help. "said Dipper showing them his chest, "Look at this! Look at this!"

"I must confer with the High Council." Said one of the Manotaurs.

They began to discus the situation.

It quickly devolved into a fistfight.

Elsewhere in the forest, Erza managed to kill the last of the spiders and requiped into some normal clothes.

"All right mom! That was awesome!" said Mabel going over to her.

That was when Erza noticed Manly Dan.

"Hi! I'm Manly Dan!" yelled Dan.

"I know… we've met a couple time before." Said Erza.

Manly Dan blushed.

"But my name is Erza." Said Erza.

"That's a strange name!" yelled Manly Dan.

Mabel laughed.

"Easy there." Said Mabel, "He wants to walk us home and make sure we're safe."

Manly Dan grunted.

"All right…" said Erza unsure how to react.

Back in the Man Cave the Manotaurs came back from their deliberations.

"After much punching we have decided to deny your requests." Said one of the Manotaurs.

"DENIED!" yelled another punching him in the face.

"Demined… that's okay with me, it would be too hard, obviously you're man enoguh to train me." Sid Dipper.

This threw the Manotaurs in a frenzy.

"NOT MAN ENOGUH!" yelled one of them "I HAVE THREE Y CHROMOSOMES! 6 ADAM'S APPLES! PECS ON MY ABS AND FISTS FOR NIPPLES"

"Seems like you're too scared." Said Dipper who began to make chicken noises.

They went to deliberate again.

"After a second round of deliberation! We have decided to help you become a man!" said one of the Manotaurs.

"All right! I wont' let you down!" said Dipper.

Back at the Mystery Shack, Mabel and Erza arrived with Manly Dan, Manly Dan had to squeeze through the door.

"Hey Wendy." Said Mabel.

"Mabel do you want some cake?" asked Erza.

"I'm fine for now." Said Mabel.

Erza left for the kitchen.

Wendy looked at her father .

"Hi dad." Said Wendy.

Manly Dan grunted.

"Wendy we need your help… I don't' know my dad well enoguh." Said Mabel, "And I'm trying to set them up!"

"She makes me feel happy!" yelled Manly Dan.

"So… does he know about the magic thing?" asked Wendy.

"THAT WAS MANLY!" yelled Manly Dan.

"He watched her in action." Said Mabel, "He likes her more because of it."

"Okay then." Said Wendy.

Back with Dipper the Manotaurs took him to something called the Pain Hole.

"For your first test of Manliness you must plunge your fist into the Pain Hole!" yelled one of the Manotaurs.

"The what?" asked Dipper.

He watched in horror as one of the Manotaurs plunged his fist into the pain hole and when he did it was painful.

"Is there any other way?" asked Dipper.

"Don't you want to be a Man?" asked Chutzpar.

The other Manotaurs chanted "MAN! MAN! MAN!"

He put his fist into the pain hole. His screams could be heard through out the forest.

Back at the Mystery Shack Mabel was helping Manly Dan.

HE had roped Soos into dressing up like her mother.

"All right, first step try asking her out." Said Mabel.

Manly Dan stumbled then yelled out "Have you ever punched a jaguar?"

"Okay… okay calm down and thin of something comfortable." said Mabel.

Manly Dan once again stumbled.

"I LIKE SHORTS THEY'RE COMFY AND EASY TO WEAR!" he suddenly yelled out.

"He hasn't had a date since mom died." Explained Wendy.

"Okay…" answered Mabel, "Let's try something new…"

She took out a CD called Training Mix she began to teach him Erza's interests, a bit of her history (that wasn't uncomfortable) and why you never ever eat all of her cake.

While dipper did many tasks in order to prove his manliness.

Sometime after wards, Dipper was relaxing in the hot springs with a few of the Manotaurs.

"Guys I just want to say the last few hours have been..." Said Dipper trying to come up with the words, "I feel like there as been some real growth."

"I have a growth." Said a Manotaur with a large growth on his face.

"Oh Clark." Laughed Dipper.

After some laugher

"It's just that you guys have taken me under your wing you've just been so supportive." Said Dipper.

"Oh stop." Said Chutzpa.

"No really!" said Dipper. "You've really been there and I feel like I've truly become a man."

"Not yet Destructor, you have one finally task remaining, the most deadliest of them all." Said Chutzpar.

"So what I performed 49 other tasks." Said Dipper, "Whatever is it bring is on!"

This made the Manotaurs cheer.

And they prepared him for the final tasks by dressing him in therapy tattoos and having meet their leader, while wearing only a Loin Cloth.

As the drums (well Manotaurs' heads were banged) the leader showed up.

"Behold our Leader, Leaderaur!" called out Chutzpar.

A very old Manotaur stepped forward.

"So is he the oldest or the wisest?" asked Dipper.

"Greetings young…" said the old Manotaur.

However he was suddenly eaten by a gigantic Manotaur.

"Naw, that the just offering, that's the leader." Said Chutzpar.

He pointed to giant one who was finishing eating the old one.

"You! You wish to be a man!" yelled Leaderaur.

Dipper yelled while punching his chest.

"The you must perform a Heroic act!" said Leaderaur.

He pulled out a spear from his chest.

"You must go to the highest mountain and bring back the head of the Multi-bear!" yelled Leaderaur.

This made the Manotaurs gasp.

"What is it, some kind of bear?" asked Dipper.

"He is our sworn enemy!" yelled Leaderaur, "And if you conquer him then you mansformation will be complete!"

"Conquer him… I don't' know…" said Dipper .

Chutzpar was looking through Dipper's things.

"Does this belong to you?" he asked looking at BABBA CD.

"NO I'm… holding it for a friend…" denied Dipper.

The Manotaurs were now unsure.

Dipper sighed and walked over to the spear and twirled it.

He did pick up a few tricks form his mother even if she is focused on teaching him how to sword fight.

"I will conquer the multi-bear!" yelled Dipper.

After a near accident with Leaderaur's fire nostrils he climbed the mountain.

HE got to the cave.

"All right Multi-bear! I'm coming for you!" called out Dipper.

At the Mystery Shack, Manly Dan held a bouquet of flowers.

"All right… I'm going to get my mom." Said Mabel.

Manly Dan was nervous.

"Wow you really like her down you?" asked Wendy.

Manly Dan nodded.

"Good luck." Sighed Wendy.

"Thanks." Said Manly Dan.

Back with Dipper he explored the Multi-Bears cave.

"So what is a Multi-Bear?" asked Dipper.

That was when he came across a bard with many heads that roared at him.

"So that's a Multi-bear!" said Dipper.

The heads roared however the main head called out "Head's be silent."

All but one quieted, that one was hit for not listening.

"Child, have you come here?" asked the Multi-Bear.

"Multi-Bear! I see your head… or at least one of the," said Dipper, "So how many are there?"

"This is foolish! Leave now or die!" ordered the Multi-Bear.

Dipper merely pointed the spear at the Multi-Bear

"So be it!" called out Multi-Bear.

And so a fight ensued, Dipper dodged the Multi-Bears attack, but soon enoguh Dipper was able to fight back. He used his spear to choke the Multi-Bear. The Multi-Bear fell down.

"A real man shows no mercy." Said Dipper.

"Very well but can you grant me one last request, let me die listening my favorite song." Said the Multi-Bear.

Dipper noticed a tape player.

"Sure, okay…" said dipper with a shrug.

"It's already in there just hit play…" said the Multi-Bear.

That was when the song Disco Girl began to play.

"You listen to BABBA?" asked Dipper, "I… I love BABBA."

"I thought I was the only one." Said the Multi-Bear, "All of the Manotaurs make fun of me because I know all the word to Disco Girl."

"Oh you mean…" said Dipper as he and the Multi-Bear began to sing along to the song.

"This is Crazy! Finally some who finally understand… uh…" said Dipper who realized something, "I have to kill you now, don't I… or I'll never a be man…"

"I accept my fate." Said the Multi-Bear.

"No!" said Dipper, "Really?"

"Such is Fate…" sighed the Multi-Bear.

Dipper sighed.

Sometime later in the Man Cave he threw the spear to the ground.

"I'm not going to do it." Said Dipper.

The Manotaurs gasped.

"You were told that price of manhood was the Multi-Bear's head." Said Leaderaur.

"Listen Leaderaur, you too, , Testosteraur, Pubetaur and I don't know your name… uh… Beardy…"

"It's Beardy." Confirmed the Manotaur.

"You're telling me that being a man is doing all these tasks but I'm staring to think that I's Malarkey!" yelled Dipper.

"Destructor what are you saying!" said Chutzpar.

"You heard me, Malarkey…. So maybe, I don't have muscles and hair in certain places… And sure my mom is manly according to a few sources, but I'm sure that she can beat all of your butts!" yelled Dipper.

"Unless you mom is that red head that sometime appears in the forest with the many swords and armor I doubt she can beat us." Mocked Beardy.

Dipper said nothing and a couple of the Manotaurs left the cave in fear.

Erza did have a reputation after all…

But that's besides the point.

"Also when a girly pop song plays I will leave it on and maybe sing along. Because gang it, top 40 songs are popular for a reason, it's because their catchy!" said Dipper.

"Destructor! Are ware you saying?" asked Chutzpar.

"I'm saying the Multi-Bear is a real nice guy when you get to know him. Said Dipper, "And you're a bunch of jerks for wanting me to cut off his head."

"Kill the Multi-Bear or you'll never be a man." Said Leaderaur.

"Than I 'll never a man." Said Dipper.

The Manotaurs began to boo him. Calling him weak and lame. After Chutzpar shrugged they build something then knock it down they left Dipper alone while once again chanting "Man! Man! Man"

Dipper jut kicked a rock and left.

Back at the mystery shack, Mabel was tugging herm other.

"Won't believe it! IT's a inverse rainbow!" said Mabel.

Erza said nothing she knew Mabel was up to something thanks to her ridiculous excuse.

That was when she noticed Manly Dan holding flowers.

"These are you for!" yelled Manly Dan.

"Thanks." Said Erza looking at them.

Manly Dan was blushing.

"Do you want to go out for cake sometime?" asked Manly Dan.

Erza noticed Mabel.

"Oh I see how it is." Said Erza, "That's very sweet of you."

Manly Dan's eyes got big.

"But I can't." said Erza.

"Why?" asked Manly Dan.

"I have a lot of problems…" admitted Erza, "One of them involves my love life… see I'm in love with someone… and it's someone I can never ever be with… it wasn't my Ex-husband."

Manly Dan's eyes widened when she said that.

"I settled… and I wasn't happy." Said Erza, "I'm sure there's another woman out there for you… I'm sorry."

Manly Dan walked over to a tree and punched it down.

"Had to get that out of my system." Said Manly Dan.

He turned to her.

"Thank you being honest at least." Said Manly Dan.

"I hope we can be friends." Said Erza.

The two shook hands.

Manly Dan then walked away, they heard some crashes implying he punched down many more trees.

"Mabel…" sighed Erza.

"I think I'll go back into the shop." Said Wendy giving them alone time.

"Yes…" said Mabel.

"Please don't try to set me up again." Said Erza.

"Oh come on mom! You're thing with Jellal is bad!" yelled Mabel, "He tried to kill and he's the reason why you're not in Earthland any more! If I ever somehow meet him he's getting a Grappling Hook in the face!"

Erza bent down.

"I can't control the way I feel… besides ended up here is all bad." Said Erza.

Mabel knew what she meant by that and smiled.

That was when they noticed an exhausted Dipper walking towards them.

"Dipper what happened?" asked Erza.

"I don't'

want to talk about it." Said Dipper.

"Well my day was interesting, I tried to set mom with Wendy's dad…" said Mabel.

Dipper cringed.

"It didn't work out." Said Mabel, "And you don't' have to worry about having kids with yellow skin, over bites and weird number of fingers if you got together with Wendy."

"Mabel… generics don't work that way…" said Dipper.

Erza smelled the air.

"Manotaurs?" she asked recognizing the scent.

"How did you know?" asked Dipper.

"Dealt with them a many times…" sighed Erza, "They always change me to fights…"

"Figures…" said Dipper.

"What happened?" asked Erza.

"They tried to get me to do something I didn't want to do." Said Dipper.

"What it takes to be a man to stand up what you believe in." said Erza, "Trust me, I've dealt with some true men in my life…"

Dipper nodded.

"Also don't listen to what Stan thinks…" said Erza, "He's not a very good role model."

That was when they heard Stan advertising some crystals… which was just broken glass.

"Point taken." Said Dipper.

"What's that I spy." Said Mabel.

Dipper looked down and saw a chest hair.

"All right! Take that Pubetaur!" yelled Dipper.

"Do I want to know?" asked Mabel.

"No… " answered Erza.

"Requip!" called out Mabel making a scrapbook appear in her hands.

She was about to reach for Dipper's chest but Erza stopped her.

"This isn't scrap book worthy;." Said Erza.

Dipper laughed, keeping his lone chest hair intact.

And so Dipper learn what it really took to be a man…

And Mabel learn to not set up of her mom on dates…

Hopefully the latter lesson will stick, but who knows…

Next Time: there's a party at the Mystery Shack, and Dipper wants to spend time with Wendy... will he be able to do it? Well thanks to a copy machine that clones it might work... after all what could possibly go wrong? Meanwhile Mabel competes with a Rich Girl for the title of competition... will she be able to win? Find out next time!