Disclaimer: I own none of the recognized characters. I am merely borrowing them to satisfy my muse

Chapter 18

"You would have let them die." Cole's voice sounded out on the otherwise silent march. CJ, Cole, and Iron Bull had been picked to be a scouting group for the day. They were currently maybe a mile west of the main group, having followed signs of a venatori group to an abandoned camp. "It would have destroyed you. You would have mourned and regretted their loss. Blaming yourself for their deaths, but you wouldn't have disobeyed the inquisitor's order."

"I'm a soldier, kid. So are my men. And soldiers follow orders, no matter what the cost." Iron Bull answered evenly.

"You're not a good soldier, CJ. You would have disobeyed." Cole looked at her. "You were praying that Talon would call the retreat, but if he hadn't you would have ran. Ran to the Chargers. Right into the thick of the venatori." He said. "You were already planning it, in the back of your mind. You knew you wouldn't be able to save them all, but even if one survived, he wouldn't hurt as much. You would have done anything to help him not hurt."

"You're right, Cole." She answered simply. "I'm not a good soldier."

"The sun glints off her weapons as she twists around expertly. Her face pulled into a tight mask of concentration. Hair has escaped its' binding. Getting in her face. She barely hesitates as she swipes an arm across her forehead, leaving a streak of blood. Brings back memories of another time her face was streaked with blood. But then her face was pale, not red with exertion as it was here, but pale as death. She's not moving. Why isn't she moving? Don't let her be dead. Please, don't let her be dead! Chest tight. Heart hurts. But she's alive. Fighting. Laughing. So beautiful."

Iron Bull let out a strangled cough. "Cole, enough."

"So strong. He bent that templar's armor with one blow. So strong, but gentle when he helps me up after a sparring match. Never expected to feel this way. Safe. I never thought I'd feel safe in someone's arms. But when he stands by me, I feel like I can do anything. I would do anything for him. I know he wants more. But I'm afraid. What if I can't do what he wants me to do? I don't deserve him. Let this just be friendship. That is enough. He deserves better than me."

Silence rang clear. CJ was mortified. What did she do now? Did she laugh it off? Or did she pretend it had never been said?

Krem running up to them prevented CJ from having to make a decision. A bird had arrived from Varric. The situation was worse than originally thought. They needed someone to get to Skyhold. To alert Cullen and the rest of what was going on. They needed to march on Adamant as soon as possible.

CJ and Dorian were selected as the messengers to return to Skyhold. They left quickly, knowing it was a matter of utmost importance. They rode hard, completing the trip in a little over a week.

Cullen immediately began preparing the troops. Two days later, they were marching towards Adamant.