A/N: Disclaimer: I own none of the recognized characters. I simply am borrowing them to satisfy my muse.

Chapter 38

"Bull, let me go." CJ was struggling as Bull kept walking. He hadn't said anything for a few minutes. Just kept walking. They'd left the main body of the army by now. "I can walk. Let me go."

"No."

Well that was progress, CJ supposed.

"Bull, I know you're mad, but really, I can walk."

"No." He said again, and CJ sighed. Just bear with it, she thought. He was upset, understandably so. If their positions had been reversed, she honestly would have attacked him by now for scaring her.

They reached a clearing surrounded by a small cluster of trees, and Iron Bull set her down. It was clear he'd set this up before they'd arrived. There were a couple blankets rolled up near a ring of stones.

"Sit." He ordered, pointing to a stump. CJ bristled a little at that, but sat down without protesting. She and Tommy watched as Bull moved around the clearing, gathering sticks to build a fire.

Once the flames were dancing brightly and the blankets unrolled, Iron Bull approached them again. He knelt in front of CJ and held his hands out to Tommy after placing his sword beside him.

The boy went into Bull's arms eagerly.

"Tell me what happened." He said, looking the small boy over. "I want to hear everything."

As Tommy talked, Bull carefully inspected him for any signs of injuries. He made Tommy wiggle his fingers and toes, bend joints, made him follow his finger with his eyes. Most of the cuts had been small, and were mostly healed. Tommy obeyed each task without protest.

"I'm sorry, Da," Tommy's voice dropped as he hugged Bull tightly. His voice became muffled.

"Sorry? For what?"

"Getting taken." Tommy answered. "'m s'pposed to be a fighter, 'n I failed."

"You didn't fail, little man." Bull's voice was gentle as he hugged the boy. CJ swallowed hard at the sight of them. Tommy looked so small in Bull's arms. So tiny, this little five year old child being held in this big qunari's arms. Her family. CJ's heart twisted. Her family, whom she'd almost lost. But Blatt would never threaten them again. Once this damn war was over, she wouldn't be leaving Tommy's side until the boy was twenty. At least. "You're just a kid. You did the best you could. I am very proud of you." They sat that way in silence, Bull holding Tommy, and CJ watching them, until Tommy fell asleep.

"So, uh, I hear that you owe the inquisition another table." CJ grimaced. That was lame. A very lame attempt at humor.

Bull turned his gaze on CJ. "And you." He began, still holding Tommy. "What in the hell were you thinking?" His voice didn't grow any louder, but CJ could hear the anger in it.

"I was thinking I needed to save my son." She answered, meeting his gaze evenly. "I'm sorry for worrying you,"

"Worry-," Bull spluttered. "You're sorry for worrying me?! Is that all you have to say to me? This was by far the most idiotic and selfish thing you have ever done! How could you do that to me? To the inquisition? How could you be so selfish?"

CJ had been intending to take whatever rant Iron Bull threw at her in silence. But that plan was quickly derailed when he called her selfish.

"Selfish?" She retorted. "So it's selfish of me to save my son when it was my fault he was in danger in the first place?!"

"Yes!" He exclaimed. "It was selfish! The most selfish act I've ever seen!"

Now she was getting mad.

"How was that selfish?!" She demanded. "I had to save Tommy, and you as sure as hell weren't going to help!"

Bull's face darkened and he very carefully set the sleeping boy on one of the blankets beside the fire.

"If you would have given me the chance," He began, standing up. CJ stood up as well, glaring at him.

"Given you the chance?" She scoffed. "You mean like you gave me? By not telling me that Tommy was even missing?! I had to find out from Sera, a day later than you! If anyone is selfish, it was you!"

"I did that to protect you,"

CJ cut him off with a disgusted laugh. "To protect me? Really? Protect me from what? It is not your job to protect me!" His face turned stony.

"Fight me." That caught CJ off guard for a moment.

"What?" She shook her head. "I'm not going to fight you, Bull."

"Fight me." He picked up his sword. "Fight me, CJ."

It was the use of her name that did it, really. He hadn't called her by her name in a very long time. Fine. If he wanted a fight, then the thick-headed stubborn qunari was going to get one!

"Fine." She unsheathed her weapons and shot him a cocky look. "Fight me, The Iron Bull."

The fight was fierce. Both of them were going all out. At the first clash of weapons, Tommy had moaned, and they'd froze. CJ looked at Tommy and then back at Bull. His face was still like stone. Wordlessly, she dropped her daggers and held up her fists. Bull nodded shortly, and dropped his sword. They'd fight silently now. As to not wake the child.

They fought, throwing punches and kicks, dodging and twisting and turning. Trying to trip the other up. CJ stumbled and Bull landed a punch that sent her skidding back six feet, almost going head over heels. She gasped both in pain and trying to catch her breath as Bull pinned her to the ground.

"You locked me in a cell." She exclaimed. She could taste blood and turned her head to the side and spit. "You tied me up and locked me in a cell."

"To protect you." He looked relatively unharmed from their fistfight, though he did have a streak of blood trailing from a split lip. "You couldn't have won,"

"But I did!"

"You should have waited for me! To come back after the meeting! Said that you were awake when I checked on you. If I'd known you had your sight back,"

"What would you have done," CJ twisted, trying to break free, but his grip was firm. "If I'd said I could see? Would you have let me out of the cell? Let me go with?"

He didn't say anything. He was silent. No, of course he wouldn't have. He would have made absolute damn sure that she would stay in that cell until he got back. CJ growled.

"You don't get to decide what battles I do and do not fight, Bull!"

"The hell I don't!" He retorted. "You are my Kadan,"

"And you are mine!" CJ glared at him. "You are my Kadan, but I would never keep you from your fight!"

Bull stiffened.

"What?" His voice was even.

CJ blinked at the sudden change. "What do you mean, what?"

"What did you just say?"

"I'd never keep you from your fight," She repeated, but he growled.

"Not that," He let her sit up, only to take her by her shoulders. "Before."

"You're mine." She said. "You are my Kadan."

"Say that again." His voice softened.

"You are my Kadan."

He pulled her to him in a tight hug. "I thought I'd lost you." He exclaimed. "Thought I'd lost you and the last thing I said to you was that you were useless. I would have lost you and Tommy both, and our last conversation was a fight. The last thing you would have heard from me was 'useless'. Not 'Be safe.' Or 'Good luck'. Or 'I love you'. But useless." His grip tightened, and CJ hugged him back. Wrapping her arms around him as far as she could.

Her anger was fading quickly. How could she stay angry when she could feel him shaking?

"You could have died." He said. "And I wasn't there to help you."

"We could die at any time in this damn war." She answered. "Hell, just tripping and landing the wrong way can kill a person. If I'd died, at least,"

"Katoh."

CJ stopped abruptly at that. The watchword. She'd said it twice in the time they'd spent together. He never had.

"Katoh," He said again. "I can't. I won't lose you. We can leave. Just walk away. Take Tommy and walk away. Right now."

CJ laughed softly.

"What?" He demanded.

"The inquisition would fall apart without us." She tilted her head back and kissed his jaw. "Talon wouldn't know what to do."

"He'd manage." He bent his head down to kiss her gently.

"You'd never leave your men behind."

"They could come with."

"So we'd be depriving Talon of us and the Chargers? Wouldn't that be too cruel?"

Bull sighed. "Responsibilities are annoying." He kissed her again.

"The war won't last forever."

"And we both will be there to see the end of it, won't we, Kadan?"

"I certainly plan on it."

"You'd better do a whole hell of a lot better than 'plan' on it." He exclaimed. "You will survive this war."

CJ hugged him a final time, and then moved to stand up. Bull allowed her to do so, but then took her arm, preventing her from walking away. He tilted her chin, having caught sight of the fading bruises around her throat.

At once, a dark anger covered his face, his eye narrowing.

CJ remained still as Bull took a deep breath, obviously trying to keep control of his temper.

"He's dead?"

"Very." CJ confirmed, and Bull placed his hand over the marks. His hand was different than Blatt's. It was familiar, and warm. She did not fear his touch. His touch was gentle as he ran a thumb along her jaw.

He inspected her face closely, and slowly, the anger faded. CJ suspected he was just burying it. To be released the next time he had an enemy in front of him.

"I should chain you to my side." He finally said, releasing her and standing up.

"Might be a bit difficult to fight that way." CJ smiled up at him. They walked back towards the fire.

"We'd manage." He answered. "You're pretty short. I can just swing my sword over you."

"Of course then I'd be the first target for those who want to attack you. And I can't dodge so well when I'm chained to a four hundred pound weight."

"Are you taking a shot at my weight, Kadan? Saying I'm fat?"

"Well, Varric did describe you pretty well in his book," She began, grinning at him.

"If Tommy weren't sleeping just a couple feet away, I'd make you pay for that, Kadan." He growled, and CJ laughed as she sat down. Bull settled next to her, and she leaned in to him.

"I love your body, Bull. All of it." He put his arm around her, pulling her closer. "I wouldn't change a thing."

"Where else did you get injured?" He asked after a minute.

CJ stared into the flames, considering how to answer that. "All of my physical injuries have pretty much healed." She finally answered. "Mainly just bruises to heal now."

"And what about non-physical?"

"It was hard, going back there." She began to speak slowly. "To see that farm again. Especially knowing that it was my fault they all died. Before the Winter Palace, I'd thought it was just a terrible coincidence that that mercenary band had decided to attack that farmstead. But no, it wasn't. They were there because of me. If I hadn't decided to stay there, they would be alive. Twenty people. Nine children. Most of them, barely older than Tommy."

"You can't take that, Kadan." Bull said. "You can't take that all on yourself. You'll go insane."

"But I'm not wrong, Bull." She answered stubbornly.

"Say you hadn't been at the farm. You'd just passed through, not staying. Do you think those mercenaries would have been above torturing children for information on you? Which way you went? Anything? Because I don't. Yeah, it sucks that they're dead. Kids are always innocent victims in any fight, and it'll break your heart every time you lose one. But at least this way, their deaths were swift." His arm tightened around her. "It is not your fault they died. That responsibility rests solely with the bastards who killed them. And your terrible father. And they've all gotten their just rewards. It is not your fault."

CJ didn't answer.

"I know you don't believe me right now. But give yourself time, and you'll accept it. Until then, I will be there, reminding you when your misplaced guilt is trying to win."

CJ turned her face into Bull's side, knowing he was going to be able to feel the tears, but unable to stop them. For the first time in a very long time, she let herself cry. Cry for men who had died with no weapons in their hands, but fighting all the same. For the women who fought back after they'd been broken. For the children, whose lives were ended much too suddenly. And for herself. She'd been eighteen when the farm was attacked. Her birthday had been a week before. Sophie had made a cake. The first birthday cake CJ had ever had.

Bull just held her, not saying a word, as she cried. CJ had never loved him more for that. As the tears began to slow, she began to talk. She told him about Sophie and her disastrous bread-making lessons. About how Max had taught her how to spilt a log with one chop. How she'd been teaching Billy and Roan how to read.

The memories hurt. Oh, how they hurt, but as she continued to talk, her voice muffled by Iron Bull's skin (as she had yet to turn away from his side), the happiness she had felt during those memories began to come back. It didn't take any of the pain away, but it did dull the sharpness a bit.

CJ talked well into the night, and Bull let her. He made encouraging noises, and rubbed a hand across her back in small circles, and let her talk.

Finally, she fell silent. She sat there, breathing in Bull's scent. The smell of dirt and grass and him. She felt the rise and fall of his chest as he breathed slowly and evenly. Could feel the warmth of his skin, seeping in to hers.

"I love you, The Iron Bull."

"I love you too, Kadan."