For a long time they walked around the park in silence. Anakin's feet were starting to hurt, but when Obi-Wan asked if he wanted to sit down at a table, Anakin was too restless to sit down. Obi-Wan hadn't said much other than "Let's go for a walk" and "Do you want to sit down?" and the anticipation was killing him.
Finally Anakin couldn't take it anymore. If he waited any longer, he was going to burst. "What did you want to talk about?" He asked, not daring to look at Obi-Wan.
Again Obi-Wan was silent. Anakin wondered if Obi-Wan had lost the nerve to approach whatever subject he'd planned on talking about, but finally Obi-Wan stopped, forcing Anakin to stop as well. "You're not this world's Anakin."
Anakin closed his eyes, his stomach lurching. He'd been right. Obi-Wan knew. For the first time in a very long time, Anakin wished he hadn't been right. "No, I'm not." He replied, still not daring to look at Obi-Wan.
"But you're not Darth Vader, either." It wasn't a question. How much did Obi-Wan know? Did he know that Anakin had brought balance to the force in the end by throwing Sidious down the reactor shaft of the Death Star? Did he know that technically Anakin had returned to the Light Side?
"No, I'm not." Was all Anakin said though.
"Then who are you? What are your intentions?"
Obi-Wan was still afraid that Anakin had dark plans. At first, Anakin felt defensive, irritated, ready to defend himself, but then he stopped. Getting mad would only make things worse. His anger was what had gotten him into this situation in the first place. "I'm Anakin Skywalker." He said. He almost choked on his next admission, but he knew that if he really wanted to start over, he needed to change his habits, including shutting people out. "I'm just not sure what that person stands for anymore."
There. He'd said it. Maybe that was the root of his hesitation: he knew he was Anakin again, but he didn't know what Anakin was anymore. He wasn't a Sith, but he wasn't a Jedi either. His whole life had been black and white. Jedi or Sith. But now, especially with his ability to use the Force blocked from him, he was in-between, and he didn't know how to handle that.
"What is the last thing you remember before you showed up here?" Obi-Wan asked, his voice not betraying any emotions.
Anakin bit back a sarcastic reply. Anakin had questions too, questions that he needed answers to. But again, he wasn't going to revert back to the selfish boy he had been his whole life. His questions would get answered, in time. "After I threw Sidious down the reactor shaft, I died. Then I was given the choice to do things over again, and I took it. I woke up here on this world." He finally gathered the courage to look at Obi-Wan, but he wasn't looking at Anakin either. Instead he stared off into the distance, mulling over Anakin's words. "How long have you been here? I mean, Obi-Wan, not Ben."
"Since you were nine," Obi-Wan responded, making Anakin relax a little. Apparently Obi-Wan did plan on sharing with him too. "I remember you bringing balance to the Force, and then visiting Luke with you one last time." So his vision of Luke wasn't just a vision then. He really had seen his son and… "Then I woke up here. I didn't know what had happened. I saw Cleigg's ad in the paper looking for help on his farm, and since he was at least familiar, I went to work for him. What I didn't expect was to meet your other self here."
Why didn't you kill the other me? Anakin wanted to ask, but he couldn't form the words. He almost didn't want to know the answer to that question. Once he asked it, they would no longer be talking just about what was currently happening to them, but what had already happened between them.
They lapsed into an awkward silence again, Anakin's mind searching for a way to break it. Obi-Wan seemed at a loss too, and Anakin suspected that he wasn't exactly what Obi-Wan had initially suspected he would be like. Finally, Anakin couldn't take it anymore. He had to know. "Why did you keep my children away from me?"
Obi-Wan blinked in surprise, obviously not expecting the conversation to go that way. "For their safety, of course. You would have handed them to Darth Sidious otherwise."
Anakin wanted to deny it, but he couldn't. He had handed Luke over to Sidious, after all. Still… "That wasn't your decision to make. They were my children, not yours."
Obi-Wan's jaw clenched. "I hoped that the Anakin I knew would have wanted me to protect his children from the Dark Side to the best of my ability. I knew for certain that Padme would have wanted that, and it was me she entrusted their care to."
"And did you raise them both, Obi-Wan? Did you raise them to hate their father?" Anakin asked bitterly.
Obi-Wan hesitated. "I'm not a father, Anakin. I couldn't take care of them by myself. I gave them to trusted people who loved and cared for both of them like they were their own."
"But they weren't their own!" Anakin snapped, finally whirling on Obi-Wan, his hands clenched at his sides. "They were mine!" Obi-Wan was unmoved, obviously believing he made the right choice. If Anakin was really honest with himself, he did agree with Obi-Wan. No child deserved to be raised underneath the watchful eye of the Emperor. Relenting, Anakin sighed. "Who were they given to?"
Again, Obi-Wan hesitated. "I gave your son to Owen and Beru. Your daughter was raised by…"
"You SEPERATED them?!" Okay, this he did NOT agree with, at all. He had been separated from his mother at a young age, and Anakin knew that it had a major impact on the way his life had turned out.
"They both had strong Force signatures." Obi-Wan replied defensively, "They would have been found by the Emperor quickly had we kept them together."
"You know, I'll agree that Padme and I would have wanted them to be raised away from the Dark Side," Anakin growled, on a roll now. It didn't matter that he'd hardly known Luke, but he was still his son. Instinctively, he felt protective of him. It was that protectiveness that had finally brought Anakin back from the Dark Side. "But I guarantee neither of us would have wanted them to be separated! You could have raised them on a remote moon or somewhere else where the Empire didn't have a strong hold!"
"Well you weren't around to decide that!" Obi-Wan finally snapped, throwing his hands in the air. "YOU turned to the Dark Side! YOU became a Sith! YOU abandoned them the moment you turned on Padme and attacked her!"
The words were a slap to the face, and instantly Anakin felt the sting of guilt, regret, and hatred for…for himself. He had always assumed that the hatred he felt was for Obi-Wan, and although Obi-Wan had left Anakin to burn on that Force-forsaken planet of Mustafar, it had been Anakin's decisions that had led them to that moment. That hatred had never really been for Obi-Wan, Anakin realized then, but for himself.
And he still hated himself for what he had done.
Anakin ran a hand down his face, his mind whirling as he struggled to contain his emotions. "My daughter. Who is she?"
Obi-Wan was silent, and Anakin wondered if he would tell him now. "Leia Organa."
Leia.
Again, he wished he'd been wrong about his suspicions. The sick feeling in his stomach intensified, and Anakin felt himself walking again, walking quickly away from Obi-Wan while he processed this.
Leia. The girl he had captured and tortured for information. Leia, the girl he had literally forced to watch her home planet, and her adoptive parents, destroyed in front of her eyes. Leia, the girl he had hunted across the galaxy. Leia, the girl whose lover he had frozen in carbonite in front of her eyes after he'd tortured him.
Leia.
Anakin shook so badly, he collapsed to his knees, heaving up the contents of his stomach onto the ground. He didn't care that Obi-Wan was near, witnessing him at this vulnerable moment. All he cared about was the fact that he had hurt his daughter far worse than he had hurt his son.
How had he not seen that she was Padme's daughter? She looked so similar to her—the same hair, the same eyes, the same soft curve of her face… and she had his fiery personality with the political resolve of her mother. He'd been so self-absorbed that he couldn't see the truth in front of him, and he would have killed her without a second thought had she not had the cunning and the friends to help her escape.
He was a monster.
When he was finished throwing up, he sat back, breathing hard, his body still shaking. He couldn't stop replaying every moment he'd had with her, with Luke, over and over in his mind. He had done so many awful things to so many people, but for some reason it was what he'd done to his children that made him break. Padme would hate him forever if she knew.
"Anakin?" Obi-Wan asked hesitantly.
He still didn't know what Obi-Wan really felt about him. He wasn't sure how he felt about Obi-Wan. He wasn't even sure he could trust him anymore. But he found himself saying, "Oh Force, Obi-Wan, what have I done?"
He didn't need the Force to know that Obi-Wan was shocked, to say the least. Anakin had never opened up so much to his former Master. Anytime he started to express fear or doubt, Obi-Wan had always interrupted to remind him to trust the Force. But Obi-Wan didn't do that now. He felt Obi-Wan kneel down beside him. "What happened to lead us to this, Anakin? I have an idea, but I really don't know. Help me understand."
So Anakin told him. He told him of loving Padme from the moment he saw her. He told him how Shmi's death had hardened his resolve to never let anyone he cared about die if he could stop it. He told him of marrying Padme, of keeping it secret for three years, and that after she revealed to him that she was pregnant, he was plagued by nightmares of her dying in childbirth. He told him of how he had tried to turn to Yoda for counsel, but Yoda had not given him the answers he sought for. Palpatine, however, had, so even though he had turned Palpatine in for being a Sith, in the end he couldn't let Master Windu kill the only connection he had to saving his family's life. To save the woman he loved, to save the children that were yet to be born, Anakin had turned to the Dark Side.
"You know everything else after that," Anakin finished, his voice hoarse.
Obi-Wan was stunned, and he looked to be fumbling for the right words. "I had no idea," He finally said, "Was I really that untrustworthy that you couldn't come to me for help?" The hurt was still in his voice, even now, after all these years, after everything Anakin had done.
"No, Obi-Wan, you're just…so loyal. Blindingly so. I was afraid that you would betray me to satisfy the Jedi Order. I was afraid of losing you…but by being afraid, I lost you anyhow." Anakin said, the misery thick in his voice. Why had he taken that second chance? This was so much more painful than he thought it would be. "And so, so much more."
Obi-Wan frowned. "Anakin, I know it doesn't mean much now, but…for what it's worth, I'm sorry."
Anakin laughed bitterly. "You? Sorry? You don't have much to be sorry for."
"But I do," Obi-Wan shook his head, "Padme insisted to her dying breath that there was still good in you. Even Luke, when I finally told him your story, insisted that there was good in you and that he couldn't kill you. But when I found out about your transformation into Darth Vader, it didn't take much for me to give up and fight you. You were my brother, Anakin, and I lost faith in you. What if I hadn't? Even if you hadn't listened, at least I would have tried. But instead I left you for dead. And for that, sorry can't even begin to cover what happened."
He was right. As horrible as Anakin's decisions had been, Obi-Wan was not blameless in this. Though Obi-Wan's admission and his apology had barely begun to heal Anakin's trust in him, Anakin still felt just a bit of the warmth of healing begin to crumble his walls. "Sorry doesn't even cover everything I've done," Anakin started, knowing it would never be enough, but it was a start, "But I'm sorry."
Obi-Wan sighed. "We're a mess." Anakin snorted bitterly: that was an understatement. "But maybe this is a mess that we can try to clean up." He looked at Anakin then, his eyes scrutinizing. "Do you still have the Force?"
Anakin hesitated. His initial reaction was to insist that everything was fine, that he could use the Force still, but again he reminded himself that he needed to start to let his guard down. "I feel it, but I can't use it." He admitted. "I figured this world doesn't allow the use of the Force."
"The Force is universal," Obi-Wan responded, frowning. "It's curious that you no longer have the use of it."
"What, you still have the Force?" Anakin asked.
Obi-Wan nodded. "Yes. I've had it since day one here."
Instantly Anakin felt the sting of jealousy. Why was Obi-Wan able to use the Force and he wasn't? If he was supposed to change things, shouldn't he be equipped properly? He still didn't know all of the dangers of this world. Just as quick as his jealousy had come, he pushed it away. Already there had been many times where he would have lashed out at someone if he still had use of it. He wouldn't have done so intentionally, but it still would have done enough damage to ruin his second chance. "Maybe its best that I don't have access to it," Anakin said, hating that he believed there to be truth in those words. The Force had been with him since birth. The Force had created him. It felt like losing half of his soul to just give it up.
Obi-Wan pondered the situation for a while. "No, I don't think that's the answer."
"What?" Anakin looked at him in surprise.
Obi-Wan met his gaze, his ice blue eyes piercing Anakin's soul. "You said that you no longer know what Anakin Skywalker stands for. You're right: you're never going to be the same Anakin that you used to be. But maybe, just maybe, you're here to learn what it really means to become a Jedi. Maybe you were meant to bring balance to the Force not only in our old galaxy, but this one as well." He took a deep breath, "I think you need to relearn how to use the Force."
Anakin was already shaking his head. "I can't be the Jedi you wanted me to be. Even now, I can't become detached. I can't forsake the love I have for my mother, or Padme." Even if he didn't deserve her love… "It's not a matter of me not trying hard enough. I can't let them go."
Obi-Wan sighed, turning away. "I know. This time, I'm not asking you to."
Now it was Anakin's turn to be shocked. Did he really just hear what he thought he just heard? "What are you saying?"
"What I'm saying," Obi-Wan started, "Is that I've seen way more than any one man should. I've seen a democracy fall and an empire rise, only for that empire to fall to make room for democracy yet again. I have guided two great men, and failed one of them immensely. I have seen myself brought back to life in this body to guide a young boy I had already guided once before. If there is one thing that I have learned in all of that time, it is that attachments, when untouched by selfishness and pride and guided completely by love, are a pathway to the Light. Luke showed me that." He looked back at him, "Your younger self on this world showed me that. If you do this," he continued, choosing his words carefully, "You won't be the Jedi you were. You'll be something else entirely."
Anakin couldn't believe his ears. He never thought he'd hear Obi-Wan question the Old Ways, especially not out loud. Still, the idea of becoming a Jedi again and still being able to choose his relationships was appealing. In fact, he felt the Force surround his heart, whispering for the first time since he'd arrived in this world that what Obi-Wan was offering was the correct path. "And if I do this," He slowly said, "Who will train me?"
Obi-Wan bit his lip nervously. "To be honest," He said, "I don't know anyone else who has the Force in this world. Unless we meet someone else, I would have to teach you again."
Slowly, Anakin stood on shaky legs, his mind whirling. Apologizing to each other and attempting to repair their friendship was one thing. But to give himself as a Padawan to Obi-Wan again before they'd fully forgiven each other? That was a whole different issue all together. The relationship between a Master and their Padawan was intimate, and neither of the men were ready for that sort of trust in their relationship.
But Anakin could feel the Force growing stronger within him, urging him to accept. He wanted his Second Chance to just be about him healing his relationship with Padme. However, with each new person he met from his past, he was increasingly realizing that this Second Chance was about more than that. There was so much for him to fix, including himself. And if the Force wanted him to retrain to become a new Jedi, then that's what Anakin had to do.
So taking a deep breath, Anakin looked at his Master. "When do we start?"
So I am totally sick. I'm happy with how this chapter turned out, but if there are inconsistencies, I am slightly loopy right now. In reference to chamomile tea, which is supposed to help you sleep, I told my friend, "I'll drink the crap out of that sleepy leaf water." If Mindy had been in this chapter, I can only imagine what I would have made her do. But I really wanted to continue the frequent updates! A lot of you have expressed that you love that, so I wanted to make sure you weren't disappointed.
Anyhow! What did you think? I know this is certainly an angsty chapter, but I promise things are going to get better. Besides, I'm about to throw in some more character romance development for Anakin and Padme! :D I have so many plans for them...
Thanks to BlueSeventh for pointing out the bit about Obi-Wan hiding Anakin's children from him! I mean yeah I've thought about it before, but when I initially started to plot out how this confrontation would go, I didn't really think about how Anakin would react to that. When I thought about it, the result was, well, this.
Anyhow, love the reviews and follows guys! You are the best! 3
~Sarah
