This is longer than the others, because I had to invent a lot (not that I'm complaining, these two always inspire me a lot and I love writing scenes that I have in my head with them) since we don't know anything about what happened between The path of fog and commitment. So it is created to fill that important void.
As always, sorry for my English.
XIII.
His fears before finding her on the road gradually vanished when he noticed that she was serious. She was sure, she had jumped with both feet and he had been there to hold her.
She left Nonnatus House, visibly distressed. It was a change to see her like this after her bright smiles on the way to Poplar, but he hurried to open the car door and extend his hand, assuring her with that gesture that her decision had not been in vain.
That same night they had dinner together, and although Shelagh (he loved to call her that in his mind, he loved to know her real name), was willing and happy to answer Timothy's questions, he knew, after so much time observing each one of her gestures, that she was not as happy internally as she intended to demonstrate. Her laughter was nervous and spoke hurriedly, with her thicker Scottish accent. Her eyes went from side to side, startled. Patrick was afraid that with every minute that passed, she was regretting it more. Maybe his son was very annoying to her, and he wasn't handsome for her, and his house was very small, and she was realizing all that and wanted to run away.
He took Tim to sleep, he did it faster than any other day, fearing that when he returned to the living room, she was no longer there.
However, when he returned with his hands sweating and his heart beating with fear, he found her sitting on the couch. She was still nervous and her posture was rigid with the hands clenched, but at least, she was there. He sat beside her, unsure of what to do or say, fearing that in the face of any minimal movement, she would disappear. He took two breaths, thinking what to say.
"I'm sorry." She said, surprising him. "I don't know what to do, I..."
His breathing stopped, feeling that everything he began to dream was fading. She would leave, forever.
"I was so happy to see you, also to see Tim, and then in Nonnatus everything was so... strange. I knew it would be like that, but…it was very sad."
She spoke looking at the floor, her voice barely audible. Maybe she wasn't behaving like that for him, but because she had just finished her old life. How to comfort her? How to make her see that he would be by her side to accompany her? It broke his heart not knowing what to do without scaring her or pushing her limits. He barely extended his hand on the sofa, and with his little finger, he touched her little finger. She raised her head to look at him, her eyes were full of tears, but she took his hand and squeezed it tightly. It was small and soft but not fragile. It was the first time she touched him, and he felt he was burning with anxiety for more. He approached her sliding on the sofa and dared to wrap her with one arm. She tensed, but far from running away, she rested her head on his shoulder, letting out a sigh and slowly relaxing.
Thus they had their first real and intimate talk. She told about her fears, about the disappointment she knew she was causing in her sisters, how much she loved them. He knew that this was a terrible path for her, and he promised himself that he would spend his entire life showing her that she had made the right choice.
"You must go now, isn't it?" He asked looking at the clock.
He didn't want her to go to her new house, an unknown house with an unknown owner. He wanted her to stay next to him, he wanted to feel her warmth and weight on his shoulder, and the scent of her beautiful hair that he was dying to touch. He heard her nod but did not turn away; on the contrary, he felt her head rest more firmly on his shoulder. He swallowed, in such a long time to observe and dream her, an image like that crossed his mind many times, but he always completed it with a kiss, a hug, sleeping next to her. He was a man after all, and he always tried to respect her, but his dreams betrayed him many times. Now he had hernext to him, his body told him it was time, but things were no longer about him, they were about her, and he knew that Shelagh was here because of her confidence and because she loved him. He did not plan to spoil all that due to an impulse.
When he returned after leaving her at the lodge, Tim was waiting for him sitting on the stairs.
"What are you doing here? I left you sleeping."
"That's what I made you believe." The boy smiled. "Dad, are you going to marry her?"
He sighed, hanging his coat. He walked to Tim and sat on the same step as him.
"What do you want?"
"You always say that it is impolite to answer a question with another question."
Patrick sighed again, scratched the back of his neck. If it were for him, he would already be married to Shelagh. But his decisions did not depend exclusively on him, but also on Tim. He could not give him a stepmother he did not want and with whom he should live for years in the same house. He wished Tim wanted Shelagh and agreed, but if that wasn't so...he would probably go crazy.
"I would like to marry her, yes. What do you think?"
The boy shrugged.
"Why are you asking me? I will not marry, it is you who wants to do it."
He couldn't detect if there was sarcasm or anger in Tim's voice.
"I ask you because you are my son. And because I know you still miss mom."
Timothy lowered his head, moved the tips of his slippers.
"Do you love her like mom?" Tim asked looking directly at him.
"No, it's... different. You may not understand it now, but in life you can love many times. Shelagh is different from mom and my love for her is different."
"But you want to marry her. I mean, you love her enough to marry her, don't you?"
"Yes, exactly. I love her so much." He cleared his throat. Once he wished had a close friend to have drinks and say what he had just said. He didn't imagine that he would end up telling his son.
"I like her, she's great and cool. I think she will be excellent here at home. Because...I miss mom but I know she can't come back. And Shelagh can be my mom. If she wants, of course. What if she wants to marry you but not be my mother?"
Tim's eyes were scared. Patrick smiled and stroked her hair.
"I think Shelagh loves you more than me, so you shouldn't worry about that. So...do you want a wedding? There will be cake."
"Yes! When it will be? Tomorrow?"
"Don't hurry." He laughed.
"Why?"
He didn't know how to explain that things were not as easy as he saw them with his eyes of child. Shelagh was hurt, nervous, scared, and probably confused because she also felt happiness. Proposing marriage so quickly could scare her even more, and at the same time, if he didn't do it soon...that could also scare her. He clenched the fingers, feeling lost. When he believed that everything was being sorted, things were still chaos.
Fortunately, Tim seemed to understand that his father didn't have most of the answers he wanted for his questions, so he left him alone wishing him good night. Patrick lay in his bed, though he knew he wouldn't sleep all night. Sleeping was nothing compared to thinking about her, with her blond hair, her bright gaze, her perfect smile, leaning on his shoulder and sitting at home. He turned and looked at the unoccupied side of the bed, knowing that soon, that same woman he loved so much, would be there beside him.
Only if she said yes.
He had forgotten what it was like to feel happy. His days were gray and black, there was no light or joy, but suddenly everything had become clear and fresh, as if someone had lit a lighthouse and he managed to reach the shore.
Of course, his lighthouse was Shelagh.
Every time he saw her, he felt terribly nervous, as if he were a teenager and not a mature man. She was so beautiful, and so shy, and sometimes she let go of a phrase or a mischievous smile that baffled him completely.
By all means, he tried to make no one notice his change, but it was impossible to pay attention to the patients' words and not go around smiling. She occupied every part of his head and heart, that beautiful creature both outside and inside was also excited to see him, and he couldn't believe he was living in real life and not in one of his silly dreams that tormented him during months.
Just with thinking in Shelagh, he was speechless, and having her in front of him only made his mouth babble, and she laughed even though she tried to hide it. He felt besotted by her, and he couldn't be happier with that.
Three days after finding her in the fog, he decided to take the next step. His life as a doctor interrupted every moment, but he had to take time to be with her, to do everything he ever dreamed they would share. He wanted to spend the mornings or afternoons with her. Their courtship, or whatever they were having, couldn't just limit to dinner and talk about science projects with his son.
"Shelagh, I was wondering..."
"Yes?"
And again. He wished Tim wasn't sleeping, so he could save the situation with a question or comment and he wouldn't be, again, like a fool in front of her. He swallowed, unable to tell her anything. She frowned. She was even more beautiful, which didn't help him at all.
"Are you ok?"
"Yes, yes, sorry. I... just wanted to invite you to the pictures. Tomorrow. What do you say?"
"But, Tim..."
"Tim can stay with Jack or another friend. Would you like to go to the cinema? If you prefer, we can go somewhere else."
"Well, I haven't been in years...I don't know what movie I could watch, but yes. I would very much like to go to the pictures with you."
He smiled in relief, and she did too.
"Perfect, I'll pick you up at 6."
"No, no." Suddenly, her voice became nervous. "Please don't go to my lodge, I don't want them to speak."
The urgency to propose marriage became fierce. He was about to ask her right there, even though he didn't have a ring. With a proposal, Shelagh should no longer be thinking about people and what they would say about her.
"All right, I'll wait for you on a couple of streets."
"It's better that way." Her smile was relieved and it squeezed his heart. Shelagh, more than anyone, shouldn't worry about people and their gossip. She had an impeccable reputation, which perhaps he was ruining. She should be focused on her health, on being well, not on these things.
"Patrick, are you feeling well?"
He felt that she was taking one of his hands and looked into her eyes.
"I'm fine." He assured. She smiled just looking at their joined hands. He opened his fingers, turned her hand and looked at her palm. He saw a line, the wound, now scar, where he had put his lips before. Under her little finger, a small surprise he didn't have time to appreciate before: a mole, small like a freckle. He stroked it slowly, with the fingers of his other hand. He wondered if he could kiss it. Would she walk away again?
He looked at her face, seemed to hold her breath as she watched him appreciate the palm of her hand. He lifted it to his mouth and kissed the scar. She didn't move away, heard her let out a shaky breath. He barely parted, then put his lips on the small mole.
He pulled away, locked her hand in his, clenching her fingers. He looked at her, she continued with her eyes fixed on their hands, her lips tight and her breath short.
He needed to kiss her. Her tender smile was a constant invitation, and her pink lips were always perfect for him, but now that he was so close and could see them better, he knew he had to taste them as soon as possible. He took a slow breath, but Shelagh slipped her hand and stood up.
"It's time." She said pointing at the clock. Indeed, they would be late. He saw the anxiety on her face.
"I'll take you quickly, don't worry."
She nodded without saying anything and looked for her coat, with which she dressed without waiting for him to help her. On the way they said nothing, she looked more and more nervous.
"I don't want to be asked for explanations, the owner is a bit gossipy, I don't want them to see you."
He saw her play with her fingers, looking anxiously through the window. He wanted to avoid her all this, that she shouldn't leave at this time, that her house was his. He reached out to take hers, but they had already arrived and she barely said goodbye before disappearing behind the door.
He parked the car in the exact place. He didn't know if she would arrive, maybe the lodge owner said something to her last night and now she felt ashamed. He patted his pockets nervously, smiling a little as he felt the two tickets he had bought in the morning and the small box. Everything was bought away, in the West End, to avoid comments about the doctor buying two tickets for a romantic movie, and an engagement ring.
He saw her approaching quickly in the rearview mirror. She looked everywhere, dressed with a gray coat and green hat. She had high heels, which made her legs…He looked somewhere else, uncomfortable. Her legs were something new to observe but not at this time.
Her quick steps did not give him time to go down and open the door. Before he realized, Shelagh was sitting next to him, coughing a little.
"Are you feeling good?"
"Yes, I just ran a little, I thought I was being late. Hello." She said looking into his eyes with a lovely smile.
"Hello." He answered in the same way, which made her laugh nervously. In the few days they had been together, he knew that the nervous Shelagh was his favorite.
He rejected any kind of thinking about an approach during the movie. Others would use it to kiss and hug, but Patrick was aware that none of that would happen. Shelagh was new to all this, and he didn't want to push her, he wanted her to feel more and more comfortable with him. Having her sitting next to him was more than he ever imagined would be possible, so he didn't want to be greedy.
He prepared to watch the movie. It did not seem very interesting, if he was sincere, he preferred those of cowboys, not those of heroines and handsome guys who sang songs, but he imagined that Shelagh would not appreciate a film full of bullets as her first date with him. She liked music, so a movie of this style would surely please her a lot and, if he had luck, maybe he could later hear her sing one of the songs.
He was startled when she took his forearm with both hands and put her head close to his shoulder, coughing barely.
"Are you feeling all right?"
She just nodded.
"No, you are not."
"How do you know that?" She said with a small chuckle.
"Because I know when you lie."
"I never lie."
Her sleepy eyes were now open with mischief. He swallowed hard, he had her close, hugging him and looking at him this way.
"We...we can leave now."
"No, the movie is very pretty." She sighed, but then coughed again.
He knew that Shelagh was recovering, how could he consider a good idea to bring her to this closed place full of people who were perhaps ill or in the process of being so? They should leave as soon as possible, he should take her to a place with fresh air.
He moved his body, ready to go, but when he looked at her, he froze: on his shoulder, Shelagh slept. She still kept her hands tangled in his arm, her head perfectly resting on his shoulder and her lips barely apart. The changing lights on the screen reflected on her face, making her look ethereal. Leaning back in his seat, he put his free hand over hers, and kissed her hair.
"Sleep my love, you need to rest."
He watched the movie without seeing it, the heat of Shelagh surrounding him and the scent of her hair made everything pale in comparison. Every time he took the eyes off the screen and looked at her, he felt he was running out of air. She slept peacefully, sighing occasionally. He prayed to God for patience and self-control, her lips kept calling him.
Long before the movie ended, she woke up.
"Hello, Sleeping Beauty."
Startled, she looked everywhere, releasing her grip on his arm. Her face became so scarlet that he could see it even in the dark room.
"Oh! Oh, God! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
"Shh, they'll kick you out if you keep talking." He laughed.
She got even redder.
"Shelagh you are recovering and you need to rest." He whispered. "I think the mistake was mine, I shouldn't have brought you here, surely there are too many germs and you were coughing..."
"You didn't make any mistake." She took his hand again, looking at him firmly. "It was very nice that you invited me. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."
"Come on, let's go."
"Don't you want to see the movie?"
"Actually, I wasn't paying attention." He looked at her eyes. Some strands had escaped her hairstyle, and approaching, he took one and placed it behind her ear. She lowered her eyes, ashamed.
Leaving the cinema, Patrick bought some candies and handed them to her, she took them delighted.
"I don't know if you like these…"
"I love them!" She looked like a little girl. She hadn't shaken the sleep yet and she still had flushed cheeks. While she was bringing a sweet to her mouth, she hummed one of the songs from the movie, which seemed strange because it had been sung while she slept. He turned to look at her, surely she hadn't simulated everything...
He looked at his watch.
"It's cold, I guess you want to go back to sleep well."
She nodded barely, as she searched in the candy box. She seemed disappointed.
"Or maybe we can stay in the car and chat, it's still early."
"That seems better to me." She smiled.
The car was parked not far from the cinema, in a quiet place despite the surrounding traffic. Shelagh sat down, devouring her candies with charm. He couldn't stop looking at her, she looked sweet, happy and relaxed, looking at people in the street. She still apologized for falling asleep and regretted not having seen a movie that looked so good.
"We can come back again."
"Well, that would be very nice." She smiled and handed him her chocolate peanut box. He took one and ate it.
He patted his pocket again. He wanted to ask her. They were in a quiet place, she seemed happy, he had the ring...His plan was another, so he sighed, disappointed and anxious.
She coughed again.
"Shelagh, are you feeling well? I think it's very cold, I shouldn't have brought you here, I'm sorry."
"Patrick, I'm fine." She stopped looking at people. Now he looked directly at him with her bright eyes. "Thank you for this. And for...everything."
She approached and planted a kiss on his cheek. It was a quick kiss, barely consistent enough to realize that happened. But yes, it had happened, he felt the pressure of her lips on his cheek, the little snap, the minimum humidity, and all her scent close, very close.
Stunned, he looked at her. Her cheeks were scarlet, and she nervously looked for some peanuts that had remained in the box. When she found one and brought it to her mouth, her hand was shaking. Patrick smiled, stepping out of the trance he was in, moved closer to her, resting his arm on the back of her seat. He gently took the trembling hand and approached her ear.
"Shelagh, can I kiss you?"
He felt the grip on his hand twitch. Then, like a flower, a little smile bloomed. She looked at him sideways, they were very close, he could feel her breath on his face.
"I no longer knew what to do for you to ask me." She whispered mischievously, biting her lower lip. Shame poked in her eyes and lowered them.
He laughed, released her hand and took her face with both hands, raising her so he could see her eyes. She swallowed, still embarrassed and not looking directly at him.
"I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable. I was afraid you were going away."
She swallowed again, and looked at him gathering a firm voice.
"I will not go away."
He stroked her face with his thumbs. It was so soft, he saw her close her eyes, anticipating. He put his lips on hers. They tasted like chocolate, candies, and something else that he knew was Shelagh, just her. It was a short and chaste kiss, he separated immediately, resting his forehead on hers. Shelagh smiled, biting her lip again.
"Can I give you another one?" He asked, half laughing.
"Yes, please!"
Laughing he kissed her again, longer and firmer, stroking her face and hair. She had the hands firmly on his chest, but he felt them move to his face, bringing him closer to her mouth. They separated when they heard the noise of the candies falling to the floor. They had moved closer while they kissed and she laughed barely at the sight of the disaster, but turned to caress his face. Trying to restrain himself from kissing her again, he saw her studying him carefully, letting her caress his cheeks and run a hand through the hair that fell over his eyes. He turned his head a little to kiss one of her hands and she smiled.
"Tomorrow would you go to the parish hall?" He whispered. "In the afternoon, after the clinic."
Everything about her tensed, quickly separated, like a terrified little animal. Patrick felt his heart tear when he saw her like this, and he hoped that the situation would change as soon as possible, he couldn't bear to see her sad in this way.
"There will be no one. I need to see you and that will be the only time I can."
She nodded, looking at the floor.
"I need to see you too." She said barely and he smiled. She was still with red cheeks, looking adorable. He took her face again and slowly kissed each of her cheeks, then kissed the tip of her nose. Approaching her mouth, he kissed the corner and felt her breath short before finally kissing her completely. He wrapped her in his arms, he could cover her with them as he imagined.
When he parted, he noticed that more hair had fallen from her hairstyle. He wrapped one of the strands in his fingers, it was soft and shone with the light coming from the street.
"You are so beautiful. I love you so much, Shelagh." He whispered. He never thought it would be possible to say that out loud and with her in front of him after kissing her, but here they were, in his car after a real date, together and happy.
Swallowing, she smiled, again, still staring at the floor. When she raised her head, he felt her eyes burn.
"And I love you too, Patrick. I love you very much."
"What do you think?"
Timothy gasped at the small open box.
"It is a jewel!"
"Of course it is, Tim. It is an engagement ring."
"Can I count how many edges the diamond has?"
"Definitely not. I will not let you handle it. So? What will you do?"
"I can go with all the Cubs and sing a song for her."
"No, no, nobody should know about this and less the Cubs. Think of something else."
Timothy rested his head on the hands, staring at the ring that shone on the table. Patrick could see his little mind working. Finally he raised a finger.
"I have it! And I'm sure she will say yes!"
He felt completely nervous, he could hear the blood in his ears. He treated the patients as he could, and then also as he could, he arranged his clothes and hair a little. He wanted to look good, he could not risk her not accepting. For the umpteenth time he looked in his pocket, where the box, carefully wrapped by Tim, rested completely oblivious to the impression it should cause.
Finally everyone left, and he was alone, counting the minutes.
It wasn't a good place, he didn't even know why he chose the kitchen in the parish hall, maybe his unconscious told him because there, in a sense, it all started. But it was not the best of places. Most of the guys chose expensive restaurants, some bridge over the river, or a family party. Never the kitchen in a parish hall.
He walked around in the small space, the nerves seemed to grow to the point of entangling him and devouring him like a snake. There was no time to change places, he had already made the mistake.
He took his chin, then ran the hands over the face. What if she said no? What if she told him that everything was very fast? What if she rejected him because she wanted to go back to her old life?
He heard the door open and close, the noise of heels on the tiles, slowly approaching. It was her, he could recognize her way of walking, no matter if she wore heels or her nun's shoes, he knew that was Shelagh.
There was no going back, he had to face this and he had completely forgotten the words he had prepared to say.
The curtain opened and she appeared, brighter than the sun, with her shy smile, whispering his name. She looked even prettier than the day before, and he was afraid: afraid of losing her totally, that her smile and her whisper will no longer be for him. Would he live forever with that fear? If he was lucky and she accepted, surely yes. He would live to deserve that smile, he would do everything possible so that she never regretted choosing him.
She looked at him expectantly. He knew her so well that he could read in her eyes that she already knew. She knew why they were here, why he had dressed a little better and why he was so nervous holding a small package. Anxiety dominated him almost entirely.
He looked at the little box, begging it to have the power to make her accept. He looked at her and opened his mouth, still not remembering what he was going to say, just letting the words flow.
It was a gift from him, and from someone else. Timothy was happy for his contribution and said he was praying for Shelagh to say yes. He hoped not to disappoint him and ruin their illusions.
She took the little box, her wide and anxious smile, looked like the girl who ate the candies with delight last night.
She pulled the blue ribbon gently and he waited, playing with his thumb and his index, trying not to speak and let her discover the surprise. She opened the paper and her smile faded a little. The frown between her eyes reappeared as she alternated her strange look between him and the paper. He did not answer, unable to speak at the magnitude of what was happening. She read Tim's words, certainty and doubt playing in her eyes.
Shelagh opened the box and let out a sigh of surprise and joy. She blessed him with a smile when she raised her eyes to him. His answer was written all over his face and he released the tension and smiled too. She was not rejecting him. The one that until recently he knew only as Sister Bernadette, the woman who initially pricked his curiosity and then much more in it, was agreeing to marry him.
He took the ring and she, containing laughter and tears, put the box and paper on the counter. He waited for her to look at him again, nervous and still surprised, and saw her barely extend her fingers, which he took gently, sliding the ring. It fit perfectly, and it looked beautiful in her hand and matched her smile, brilliant as diamond. Her short breathing and the trembling in her hand gave him the urge to kiss her right there, in the ring.
He kept squeezing her fingers and looking at her, knowing that he could stay a lifetime watching her right now, watching as the sun shone her hair even more, how her eyelashes were wet and danced over her eyes that no longer seemed to ask for help as usual, but they were bright, happy and cheerful. She didn't answer, didn't say a yes or a no, because she didn't need words, because they never needed them.
He pulled her hand adorned with the ring to take her in his arms, and she approached excited, and hugged him, and he heard her breathe inspire his clothes. He wrapped her in his hug, kissing her hair, still unable to believe that she wouldn't leave, that he wouldn't lose her forever.
