XIV

She was like a flower bloomed and wet with rain: fresh, radiant, fragrant, delicate.

He was happy to see her so free around him, as if the ring he gave her had given her permission to be Shelagh, or better, Shelagh with Patrick.

Laughter and smiles now populated his house, and Tim's questions helped Patrick fill the spaces that he still dared not investigate. It was strange, but as Shelagh's confidence grew, his own shyness too. Sometimes he doubted about asking about her, her previous life or her childhood, fearing touching something that should not be touched, and fearing she would move away, or lose her smile. Instead Tim was more brazen, and that was a headache and also a help. His questions came out without filters, and she answered them or first was shocked and then laughed and answered.

They were a family. And little by little the three were discovering each other.

The wonder ended abruptly with something that was cause for celebration, and that made it paradoxical. The baptism of the son of Chummy was a beautiful event that everyone wanted to participate after the anguish that was experienced at his birth. Everyone wanted to go, except Shelagh.

It was Peter who invited him, and extended the invitation to Tim and "Sister...Miss Mannion", said the young policeman. Everyone in Nonnatus and the surrounding area already knew that the former Sister Bernadette never returned from the sanitarium to continue with her life, but to almost permanently move with the doctor. Everyone looked at him perplexed and muttered, but he didn't care. He felt happy.

But he discovered that his happiness was selfish.

Shelagh whispered "I will not go" when he announced the invitation as soon as he entered the house. Patrick rebuked himself for observing everything about her, except this. He was happy, she looked happy, but she wasn't really happy.

Tim took him out of his painful thoughts.

"Why will you not go? There will be a party! Why don't you want to go to a party? They will also baptize Fred's granddaughter. There will be two cakes!" Tim looked at her without understanding.

Patrick knew that for the child, the events in churches bored him, but if there was the promise of a party and food after the services, he joined without hesitation. He also knew that Tim was very surprised that Shelagh said no to a visit to the church. As a child, his life was still in two colors, white or black. But Patrick was an adult and had lived a lot, and he could see the full gray scale that Shelagh was facing.

"Please, Shelagh, come with us."

"Tim," Patrick said firmly, "If she said no, it's no. We will go there you and me."

Tim looked disappointed. In the short time that Shelagh was in their lives, Tim had made her his favorite person. Patrick was happy with that, he feared that the boy would not accept her, but from the first minute he wanted to go with her everywhere, or that she was at home all the time. It was hard to explain that she still couldn't live with them or sleep under the same roof, but he seemed to understand. Even so, Timothy hoped to spend all daytime hours with her.

Shelagh's face seemed divided between two options, and Patrick was about to tell her not to give in to the boy's wishes, when she spoke.

"Very well, I will go." The smile he saw was forced, but Tim only interpreted joy.

"Great! Now can we do the puzzle I bought yesterday?"

Patrick saw that Shelagh kept her smile stiff, and that she only nodded, so he decided to rescue her.

"Tim, why don't you buy things for dinner?"

"Ok. Are you coming with me, Shelagh?"

"No, Shelagh will not go, it is already cold and she must take care, do you remember that?"

The boy just nodded and stretched out his hand asking for money. Patrick handed him some coins.

"The list is on the kitchen table."

Dragging his feet, Timothy looked for the paper and slammed it shut.

"I must tell him that he must treat the doors more delicately." Patrick laughed, trying to lighten the mood. Shelagh barely imitated him, and stood up to accommodate the comics Tim had scattered on the living room table.

"Shelagh, you don't have to go." He reached out to take her wrist, marveling at how small it was. She sighed, and sat down next to him on the couch.

He saw her close her eyelids, taking a breath. She looked beautiful as always, but with a frown and he knew she was worried.

"I really don't want to go." She said opening her eyes. Patrick immediately put his hand to cradle her cheek, in her eyes so cheerful and blue now there was only pain.

"Then we will not go."

She shook her head, then rested her cheek more on his hand.

"Tim wants to go, and I already told him that I will go too."

"You can't let the boy do everything he wants, I don't let him and neither do you. He should know that he can't have everything he wants, more when it comes to people."

"If I don't do what he wants, he will hate me."

He blinked. He never heard her say something as hard as that, and he never heard so much pain in her voice. He wondered if there were other things Shelagh was feeling and clearly wasn't telling him.

"Shelagh." He took her by the shoulders, pulling her closer so she could look at him. "He won't hate you. You'll be living here in a very short time, and you'll realize that sometimes Tim can be irritable. But he loves you, like me."

She smiled, but lowered the eyes.

"He will never hate you, for nothing. You are perfect, there is no one who can hate you."

When he finished saying that, he knew it was the wrong thing, although he didn't know the reason. Shelagh clenched her eyelids and shook her head again, separating from him and looking straight ahead. Her hands tightened, then she twisted the fingers looking at them nervously.

"That's why I don't want to go to baptism. Everyone there hates me. I did something terrible for them." She looked at him, her eyes were full of tears that didn't fall. She took his hand and smiled. "But I don't regret it."

Far from feeling relieved, Patrick despaired. It was never among his intentions that a crack formed between the people Shelagh loved. She must understand that she could be with him and Tim, and at the same time with the people who were also her family.

"Shelagh."

But she was already standing, again busy with the comics.

"I'll go to that baptism, Patrick, I can't disappoint Tim. Who knows, it may not be so bad."

The sad smile she gave him to punctuate her words only made everything hurt more.

Shelagh's sigh, looking at the pension from his car, gave him equal joy and sadness.

"You really don't want to enter, don't you?"

"I didn't think it showed so much." She barely laughed, looking at him in the dark.

"Shelagh, we have to set a date. You don't want us to be engaged forever."

"Oh no, please, I don't want that, I want to marry you, not just be your fiancé." Her giggle sounded mischievous this time, so he took her hand and brought it to his lips. He didn't abandon her eyes at any moment, they looked stormy. Lately he had discovered that look in Shelagh every time he kissed her hand or her lips, and that look chased him before sleeping, in dreams, and when he woke up, and all day.

It was a look asking for more, a look she sure didn't even understand, but was there. He needed to marry her as soon as possible, so that it was not only her eyes that asked for more but her entire body.

Swallowing, he tried to get out of those thoughts, but Shelagh was taking his other hand, playing with his fingers while still looking at him. She also brought it to her lips kissing it slowly, and for him it took a lot of effort to suppress a groan.

"Patrick, I was thinking of a date…" Shelagh let go of his hand, not Patrick, but the spell was over.

"Oh no, Miss Mannion, we will not set a date on this car and with just…" He looked at the watch in his wrist, "...four minutes before the owner of the pension punishes you for being late. See you tomorrow? So we can talk quietly and go for a walk, far from here of course."

"Perfect." Her dreamy smile was too much for him, so he came over to give her a small kiss on the lips, Shelagh blinked and looked at him, brighter than before. "At 5? I will prepare some cupcakes. I...I don't know if you'll like them, I really don't know which ones are your favorites…"

The remarkable nervousness that suddenly rose was faded with another kiss on her hand.

"I will eat whatever you give me, even if it is soil."

He was satisfied to erase her nerves thanks to the laugh that burst from her mouth.

"They won't be as bad as that. Well, I'm leaving, see you tomorrow."

With a quick kiss on his cheek, she disappeared.

He firmly believed in the joy they had shared inside the car, but he couldn't forget dinner, where she still felt uncomfortable and sad. He hoped that with a date to marry, and with the baptisms, the sense of strangeness surrounding Shelagh would disappear. If it were for him, he would go to Nonnatus to talk to everyone and force them to love Shelagh and accept his decision, but that would only make everything worse.

In the end, the date was set inside the car.

What promised to be a sunny afternoon and a quiet walk, soon became a torrential rain that forced them to take two steps and run back to the car. Shelagh had laughed out loud and that sound mixed with the rain pounding on the roof of his car was like listening to a perfect piece of music.

She immediately began to sneeze, which caused him to repent again of taking her out on a date without thinking about her health. But she recovered soon and, helped by the heating of the car, her cheeks turned pink and her hands warm.

"I must say that this is exquisite."

"Really? I haven't baked anything in a long time, I was afraid that everything went wrong. I think they are tasteless."

"Shelagh, don't take your credit off, I really mean it, they're delicious."

Of course she blushed and looked away. Patrick noticed that she ate very little, like a little bird. He made a mental note to ask her later if she did it because she had no appetite or because she felt bad. He didn't want to spoil the moment with medical questions.

"And? What date did you want to talk to me yesterday?"

Shelagh put the last little piece in her mouth and licked two of her fingers. He looked elsewhere, lately everything she did with her lips was shamefully engraved in his mind.

"I thought about Christmas. Is very close."

"That would be beautiful. Everyone likes Christmas weddings."

She let out a sigh, shaking her head. Suddenly she looked terribly sad.

"Shelagh, I'm sorry. I don't know what I said wrong, but I'm sorry."

"Oh, don't apologize." She tightly closed the container where she had kept the cupcakes. "It's just...I don't want guests. Of course, I want Tim, but nobody else."

"Don't you want any guests?"

"Well, if you want…"

"I thought of some of my friends, but...won't you invite the nurses?"

"They are busy, you know how is work in Nonnatus."

"And the sisters?"

"No, neither. Can we go? I feel tired."

He was going to obey her, but stopped.

"Shelagh. Shelagh, look at me."

Releasing a sigh, she looked at him.

"Don't you want a big wedding? Like all the other girls?"

"I'm not like all the other girls." Her voice came out angry, her hands gripped the container, which it still had on her lap.

"I know, you are much better than the other girls. Shelagh, that you had before... another life, that a long time ago you made a decision and now another, that does not mean that you are less than other women. But I will do what you want, my love. I want everything to be as you wish."

She smiled a little, and he started the car. He was anxiously waiting for everything to be solved in the baptisms, the next day. He imagined Shelagh chatting and laughing with everyone, telling her latest news, showing her ring and holding Chummy's baby. While taking her to the pension, he silently begged that his illusions be fulfilled.

Tim talked and talked, and Shelagh only answered with monosyllables and forced smiles, while taking her hands nervously. She wore the same clothes as the day he handed her the ring, but this time her face was different. There was no joy, only discomfort.

"Very well, everything ready." Patrick adjusted his tie. "Come on?"

In her eyes he saw supplication and took her hands squeezing them a little. Tim ran outside and he stopped.

"We are still on time, we may not go. I can go with Tim, and you can stay calm here."

"Dad! Shelagh! We are going to arrive late!"

Looking toward the door, Shelagh shook her head.

"Tim calls us, come on." She took his hand tightly, pulling him out of the house. He couldn't help looking at his son angrily, this was his fault, but the boy was innocent.

As soon as they stepped on the street, Shelagh released him and walked beside Tim, chatting with him, as if she didn't know Patrick. He wanted to take her hand, walk hugging her, let everyone greet and congratulate them, but things would not be like that. Looking at the sky, he sent a prayer so that at least in Nonnatus, things were different.

But heaven didn't hear him.

As soon as Shelagh set foot in the convent, all heads turned toward her. Patrick thought he heard her heartbeat racing even though he was a few steps away. Shelagh concentrated on continuing to chat with Tim, just crossed a few words with Chummy and Cynthia.

As they walked down the long hall to the chapel, he felt the gaze of the nuns stuck in them, but decided to ignore them. Shelagh, on the other hand, looked worse and worse, as if her feet were ready to flee at any moment. She kept chatting with Tim although Patrick knew she wasn't paying attention.

He took a couple of steps to get ahead of his son and sit next to her in the church. Shelagh looked at him sternly, she really wanted Tim to stay between them, keeping a distance, but Patrick wouldn't have any of that. He wanted to show her, and everyone who was there, that they were a couple and that if they didn't, he would support her in everything she wanted.

During the service, he extended his hand to take hers, but she withdrew it, gathering them on her lap and looking straight ahead. As they left the chapel, he placed his hand on her back, but she pulled away. Sighing, he walked to the dining room, where two big cakes and different meals awaited the guests.

He did not move on her side, still looking at her or looking at the reactions of others. She remained stiff, her breathing agitated and her eyes restless everywhere. She didn't eat at all and desperately looked for Tim but the boy was busy talking to Peter about police stories and eating like a little beast.

Chummy approached with her baby and gave them a smile.

"Do you want to hold him?"

Shelagh, who was once Poplar's most competent midwife, trembled nervously.

"Oh, I don't know…"

"Come on, have him for a moment. I need to go to the toilet." With a chuckle, Chummy gave her the little baby and disappeared. Shelagh's features lit up as she stroked the baby's head. She looked at Patrick with bright eyes and a radiant smile, she looked like someone else.

"He's small but very pretty, isn't he?" Patrick whispered in her ear and she just nodded, still looking at the baby.

He saw Sister Julienne approaching, looking at them both with a doubtful smile on her face.

"Shelagh, how beautiful to see you here, how are you?"

Shelagh's radiant smile erased as soon as she pulled it away from little Freddie.

"I'm very well, sister." Her voice came out small and full of fear.

"I'm glad." Sister Julienne seemed to want to say something else, but Shelagh looked at the baby and Chummy returned. Shelagh stood up to give her the baby.

"Oh, you can have him." The nurse smiled at her but Shelagh looked at Patrick pleadingly. He cleared his throat.

"In fact, we must go."

"Oh, it's a shame." Chummy's voice was disappointed, as she grabbed her son in her arms.

"What? Are we leaving now?" Tim protested, still chewing. His lips were full of cream and there was a visible spot of the same on his sweater.

"Yes, Tim, we must go."

"But we just arrived!"

"Tim, enough."

He put a hand on his son's shoulder, leading him to the door. Shelagh followed them, quiet as a little mouse. He heard her let out a sigh when they went down Nonnatus's stairs and turned to look at her: she clenched her teeth, her eyes turned into two lakes about to overflow. He extended his hand to touch her, but backed away, fearing that would bother her even more. However, Shelagh tangled her arm in his and rested her head on his shoulder. They walked a few meters like that, until she separated.

For the rest of the day, she barely spoke.