Notes: References to Endgame, Amends, and Blindspot
THANKS for Beta: Untapdtreasure & Sunshyne2014
This chapter and the next will be Angsty and Emotional.
This time was different. There was no light airy fun around. This night there was more than desire. There was need. Both of them had been through the ringer lately. They were emotionally drained and hurting. There was also a vulnerability present that was never there before. Both of them almost never let others or even each other see them vulnerable. They needed to stay in control and maintain a sense of strength and togetherness. Sure there had been glimpses of vulnerability through their partnership but they wouldn't address it, dwell, or discuss it. They would simply ignore it or give each other a chance to put themselves together. This time, they were broken and not sure how to put everything back in place.
Eames had been through an ordeal since the kidnapping. It took some time for her to get back to her old self. She was experiencing PTSD and she was afraid to be alone. He had stayed over to make sure she felt safe. He kept it friendly and slept on the couch. He shifted responsibility onto himself and felt guilty so if he couldn't stop it from happening, he was damn sure going to help her get her feeling of safety back even if it meant calming her after her nightmares every night, walking her home, and staying with her. Sometimes even having her stay at his apartment when the triggers got to be too much. When they weren't together, they were on the phone talking all night until she was able to sleep. She was grateful even when she put on her tough girl act. He saw through it but played along. She needed to be in control and she needed to appear strong because inside she felt so weak so that was at least what he could give her. He knew she was strong, her escape from Jo proved it. However, she didn't feel it so he was going to do whatever he could to pump up her confidence in herself.
When Goren lost his mother, he was at a complete loss. She was his entire world outside of work and his entire responsibility. Without her, he didn't know what to do with himself. He couldn't function or work. He started pulling away from Eames and was spiraling downward fast. He returned to his apartment and took off work which he normally wouldn't do but he couldn't think, at least not about the cases. There were plenty of thoughts in his head. None of them any good and plenty telling him how useless he was. He felt like a failure. With all his intellect, he still hadn't managed to save his mother. What good was his intellect if it couldn't save the one bit of family he wanted to hold onto and he desperately wanted to hold onto her with all his strength. She didn't always provide him with these chances but towards the end of her life, she had a spirit about her. He took advantage of any time he could hug her and express love towards her and he'd hope she felt it for him. This was of course when Frank would come by to see her because when he didn't, her mood would shift instantly punishing Bobby and keeping him at arm's length. Now, all he had was a handful of pictures and his books.
After wallowing and grieving for about three weeks, Goren had a routine of going straight home after work and arriving late the next morning with jeans and loose button up shirts. He had started gaining weight and neglecting his health. He also saw no need for his nice suits. He settled on showing the world how he felt inside by matching his moods with sloppy attire, no beard grooming, and a nasty attitude. She knew grieving was a process and it had no timeline but she decided she gave him enough space to deal with it on his own. She was finally in the space to push her own stuff aside and be there for her partner. She was gonna help him through this if she had to drag him kicking and screaming. She immediately laughed softly at the imagery that thought provided. "Yeah, that would be something." She thought.
Goren's Apartment
She arrived at his door sick of the way he was treating himself and desperately missing him. They had seemed to be going through the motions lately especially after closing her husband's case and both of them were miserable. She hated how much he was hurting and punishing himself. When he didn't answer, she used her key. "Look at you." He sat disheveled in his chair nursing a glass of Glenlivet. One hand wrapped around the glass and the other laid stretched over his knee. The lights were off. He had empties tossed over his kitchen counters. He had, apparently, made a routine of drinking after work. She wondered if he was getting any sleep at night or was he drinking to pass out. He didn't acknowledge her. He felt numb. His eyes, glassed over, were staring ahead but off to a distance. He had a lit cigarette in the ashtray. She put it out. She cleared his empties and the ashtray of his previous smoked cigarettes like she had done many times for her own dad. Although, Bobby rarely got to this point where she felt the need to intervene. Yes, he liked to drink and smoked but not exclusively. He would often have a plethora of hobbies to occupy his time. When she returned, she tried to get his attention. "Hey Bobby why don't we get you cleaned up and rested." She got him to his feet and took his glass from him. She ushered him to the shower. While he was showering, she picked out some clothes for him to sleep in. He didn't fight her. It seemed all fight in him was gone. That worried her more than anything.
When he changed, she watched as he got into bed. She lightly brushed his hair back and kissed his forehead with a tenderness Bobby hadn't felt in a while and ached for. She turned to leave tossing a "see you tomorrow" behind her when Bobby grabbed her wrist.
"Please stay...don't-don't go." The image of Bobby pleading with her broke her heart.
"Okay. I'll just go sleep on the couch. I won't go, I promise."
"No, please stay with me." He stared intently into her eyes while motioning to the bed."
"Bobby, do you think that is a good idea? We've both had a lot on our plate recently and emotions can complicate things."
"Just stay with me. Nothing is going to happen. I just don't want to be alone."
"Oh, I've heard that one before." She quipped.
She shook her head and decided against all her impulses to leave and got in the bed with him. He pulled her close with her back towards him and wrapped his arms around her, spooning her. She immediately knew it was a bad idea. This was too intimate and they just didn't do that. She didn't expect Bobby to start talking. "You know, I failed her."
"Bobby, you did not fail her. You are one of the most devoted sons. There's no way you could fail her."
"You know my mother would disagree with that. I didn't see her often, or I didn't leave work when she was having an episode. Or I was the reason Frank didn't show up because I was jealous of him. She always had some excuse for why I didn't measure up and the one thing, ONE THING, I am supposed to be good at: being smart and resourceful I couldn't figure out how to save her."
"Bobby, you are one of the smartest guys I know but that isn't the only thing that defines you. You are also caring, generous, protective, devoted and so empathetic. I'm sorry your mother had to go like that but that isn't on you and don't get me started on Frank. You also know those things she says are not true, right. She was sick and hurting. We say mean things when we're hurting." Bobby shifted his weight and his arms feeling immediately guilty at that statement.
"I'm sorry I haven't been great to be around lately. If I said anything that hurt you...well I'm I'm sorry."
"Someone once told me that after a loss, people screw up." Eames reminded him and caught his eyes and turned her body towards him and placed her hands on his face "Listen to me. You have nothing to be sorry for. You're grieving. Bobby, you're allowed to grieve. Do I miss you without the grouchiness? Yes, but I don't take it personally. Bobby you've seen me at my worst. I'm sure I wasn't a bunch of roses to be around either but you didn't leave my side."
"You know, logically, I understand that some of what she said was out of pain but understanding and believing are two separate things. I could tell myself that she didn't mean it but inside I feel, I don't know, like maybe there was something I could have done to make her love me like she did Frank. I've always felt like my father never wanted me and now I understand why, not that that absolves him in any way. But my mother, she would shift between affection and rejection and sometimes even her affection was self serving to get me to do something she wanted." His eyes were glassy. "Now, they're gone and what now? I just don't um don't know how to rectify that."
"Oh bobby." She had threatening tears in her eyes as she caught his eyes in hers.
