References: Blindspot, Endgame, a small reference to War at home, and a big flashback to Amends

Thanks to Untapdtreasure for Beta. This chapter has been updated with changes.

Continuing where we left off.


Eames thought it was only right to repay his honesty with some of her own. She forced out the words from her mouth as bile nipped at her throat. She forced the bile back down as she began to speak. "When I was kidnapped," she spoke quietly, feeling a lump begin to form in her throat, "I was so scared Bobby. I felt powerless. I thought I was gonna die. I thought of all the things I hadn't done yet. I thought of Nathan and not being able to watch him grow up. I kept imagining your face when you found out. I couldn't let that happen. I had to fight, and I felt like I had you with me telling me not to scream and to stay calm. When I was in the hospital, all I looked for was you. Bobby, my parents and siblings were there, but I needed you to know I was okay. I needed my partner by my side, so I could be okay. You did that for me, and it hurts me so much to see you hurting and beating yourself up." The tears trickled down her cheek and he wiped them away with his hand.

"You are so strong, Alex. You saved yourself and you lived. Not many could have survived that situation." He held her close and placed a kiss in her hair.

"I had never been as scared as I was then. Not even when I got the news that Joe had been killed in the line of duty. Devastated, yes, but it came with the territory. You know we expect things like that to happen even though we hope for the best. Being a cop, you know all the risks and hear all the war stories. I did not expect that I would ever be kidnapped and tortured." She wasn't sure if mentioning her late husband would threaten what was building in this moment but she wanted him to understand.

Goren nodded and listened and then after a moment of silence that fell between them, he spoke. "What you went through was terrifying there's no shame in that. I couldn't tell you if I would have had the same feelings during or after. At that point, it becomes about survival and all your primal instincts take over. You just happened to have some amazing cop survival instincts too."

"My dad, as soon as I decided to be a cop, he was determined to pass down any bit of knowledge he could. Of course, he prepared us as kids, but he added to it once I followed his footsteps. He said that if I was so hellbent on being a cop, I damn well better be the toughest and most resourceful cop out there. Joe kind of took up the mantle when we married. It started to get ridiculous when gifts became more about survival. He gave me a taser for our anniversary. Sometimes you want to be more than the job. After a while, I felt he didn't see me anymore. At least, not how he did when we first started dating. Uh, sorry. I'm rambling, and you don't want to hear about my late husband." She rubbed her hands down her face before lifting her head to look at him.

"No, it's okay. He was a big part of your life. I get it." He did understand. He didn't expect Joe to evaporate from her mind the moment that he died. However, part of him wondered how much claim he still had on her. Could she ever feel for me what she once felt for Joe? Am I even worth the effort? I can't offer her much these days. Maybe, I'm being selfish to want her.

"After Joe died, there wasn't a place for me anymore. There hasn't been in a long time. Well until you."

Goren looked up as if he was reading all the thoughts that she had left unsaid. He watched her face for any hint he could latch onto. He wanted to kiss her. Did she really say that? He couldn't stop replaying the words in his head on repeat; until you. His heart swelled as his heartbeat quickened. He swore she could hear it as it's beats boomed louder than he thought was healthy. Instead, he stood frozen. He didn't want to interrupt the moment if she needed to keep talking. He also had more he needed to tell her.

All the thoughts about Joe took her right back to when they had reopened his case.

[Flashback:] "Someone new is going to waste time getting up to speed. My partner doesn't adapt well to change." Yes, she used Goren as an excuse. It proved useful since everyone knew his reputation. It may have been slightly underhanded, but she needed to be on this case. She told herself that it was to help Teresa get closure, but truth be told, the case had stirred up feelings for her that she had thought were put to bed. Just like that, it was like her husband was killed yesterday, and she was going through it all over again. She figured, at the time, that if she could finish this case then maybe she could get some closure. She remembered how angry she was at Bobby and his meddling when he opened Joe's murder case.

While interviewing Delgado on suspicion of murder, Eames eyed him angrily.

"I didn't kill your husband," he mentioned plainly.

"Two witnesses put you there. You're saying they lied? Must make you angry," Eames bitterly pushed.

"Yes, it does."

"Angry enough to get them killed?" Eames fired at him. "We're going through your visitors log and cellmate records." She was barely keeping it together. Bile formed at the base of her throat. She made an effort to keep it down and appear strong.

"The night Joe Dutton was killed?" Goren inquired

"I was at work."

"Dealing." Her rage was building. "Too bad if you had a real job, you'd have a real alibi." She needed to get out of there. She couldn't stomach any more lies coming out of his mouth. Without thinking, her feet lead the way out. Goren realized this was getting to her and followed her out.

"So you think he's innocent because he didn't say sorry?" Her anger was building, and she found a safe target to unload. How dare he side with the her husband's killer. "Bobby, Delgado killed my husband. He was angry because his appeal was denied so he put a hit out on the two people who put him away."

Goren rubbed the back of his head knowing he wasn't making headway with his theory and knowing she wasn't going to listen to reason. It wasn't adding up and maybe he needed a puzzle to prevent his own grief from overtaking him like how he took the death row case upon knowing his mother was going to die. He didn't deal with strong emotions well and his world was torn apart because of his mother's death. But she needed to understand. "Project innocence is not gonna take on a cop killer unless there are red flags."

Bobby, would you just stop. I can't have you going against me right now. I need you on my side. I'm barely holding on, and you're not helping. She expelled a frustrated breath. "I'm sure he lied about that, too." She spit the words out with bitterness as they erupted on the tip of her tongue. She was fuming. This was gonna be a long ride back to the station.

When they got back to the 1pp, she needed a breather from Goren but couldn't let go of the rage that Delgado lit in her. She grabbed some tea and dialed project innocence to find a way to confirm her theory of events and poke holes in what Delgado had said. Maybe then, Bobby would listen to reason when presented with the facts.

"I spoke to project innocence. They're not interested in his case. They said Delgado's mother's been…"

Goren rubbed his head and thought damn at the timing. He thought, he would have time to run through the facts of her husbands murder for inconsistencies before she got back. He was wrong because there she was storming in to share her findings. Why couldn't you have taken a bit longer? I can't stand to see the pain in your eyes, but I can't let this go. I need to work right now. Without it, I would lose a part of myself, and it scares me to think of what I'd become then.

Eames thought it couldn't get any worse with how Goren was approaching this case but after she returned from a breather and some tea to calm her nerves, but what she saw stopped her in her tracks. Goren had arranged all of the evidence to a corkboard in a vacant interview room.

"You're going through Joe's case file?" The words came out wobbly, as she felt tears welling up again as the words were barely escaping her throat.

"Eames."

"What do you think you'll find there, Bobby?" She was hurt. How dare he betray me this way? Bobby is the one person that she trusts completely outside of her family. This felt like a personal invasion. He was taking everything she packed away deep in her heart and displaying it for the world to see. She felt exposed. This was her life. This had happened to her. This wasn't some kind of puzzle for him to work out.

"There was a lit cigarette at your husband's crime scene. A menthol."

"I know that." She shouted, bitterness in her voice. Dammit Bobby if you had something to ask, ask me. You didn't have to go around me like that. She felt deeply betrayed by his actions and the pain wouldn't let go of her. "Minaya testified it belonged to Delgado."

"Delgado said he didn't smoke."

"Well CSU couldn't get enough DNA off it to prove that Delgado was lying."

Bobby became frustrated with her. She is getting in the way of his investigation. She's too close to this. She's thinking emotionally not rationally. She shouldn't be on this case, he thought. She is too invested. If she wasn't, she'd get it. She'd understand. She would be right there with him.

"That was 9 years ago. You know that today they only need a trace of DNA."

"Kevin Quinn said he was running from the scene gun in hand"

"Witnesses make mistakes, and if it's Delgado's DNA, it will confirm his guilt."

"But you don't think it will." Damn it, she felt the tears coming up to the surface. Why doesn't he believe me? "Is that it?" she replied tears in her voice. "This isn't another one of your puzzles. Bobby, this is my life you are messing with. Why are you doing this?" She breathed in and shifted her body around. He softly nodded He was becoming emotional watching her. He didn't want to make her cry, but he felt that he needed to do this and even more so that his instincts were, in fact, right.

"Uh... you know we have to do this." Tears penetrated his voice and his eyes became glassy and blurred with threatening tears. "We got to do it. If it's not Delgado's DNA, it means he wasn't there and someone else killed Joe and GOT AWAY with it." That was it, right? He needed to bring the man to justice, not that he was desperately trying to avoid his own feelings.

In the evidence Room, Eames' eyes had been burning to release the tears she was too stubborn to let fall in front of him. She was grateful that he had to chase down a lead because she was alone and could finally let go. She opened her husband's evidentiary box and exhaled slowly. She began crying, weeping immediately as she was finally able to release the tears she had held on to for too long. She smelled her husband's shirt. God, she wished he was here to hold her. She missed him so much, and there was so much hurt. It barely had his smell, but that was the closest she was gonna get to him.

After she cried, she settled herself and retrieved the cigarette for testing. They had solved Quinn's murder so they went to finish looking into Joe's murder. They kept their investigation under wraps so the Captain wouldn't take her off it. There was no way she was not seeing this through. When the cigarette didn't match Delgado or Minaya. They figured it must of been someone else in the crew, someone worth protecting. They tracked the lead to a cousin who spent the summer in New York then immediately shipped off to Puerto Rico. Then they got a name, Manny Beltran. The doctor that tried to save Quinn's life. She saw him earlier that day. She had been in the same space as her husband's killer. It crawled under her skin. He killed my husband and had a life. He made something of himself, and her husband laid dead unable to have his life. She couldn't comprehend that at all. He may have been a kid, but he taken Joe from her, and now he was a man. It was finally going to catch up with him.

"Well, this may be your time Dr. Beltran," Goren stated plainly.

"It was an accident, a terrible accident. So many years ago, I still have nightmares."

"You killed a police officer."

"You never came forward."

"I save people. I save hundreds of lives."

"It doesn't make up for the one you took away. Manny Beltran, you are under arrest for he murder of Joseph Dutton."

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't come forward." Manny had been desperately grasping at apologies as he tried to make them understand that he wasn't his mistake. He wasn't bad. He just once did a bad thing. Eames last words to him "He [Joe] was a good cop." With that, they led him to the officers that waited to take him in to police custody.

She went home and drank bourbon directly from the bottle. Bourbon, her drink of choice when she thought of Joe. She was drunk by the end of the night, and she so desperately wanted to call Bobby. To what? Yell at him? To beg him to come over so she could have sex with him? God, I am a fucking mess! She remembered holding the phone feeling so alone. She almost dialed twice. There were so many raw emotions on the surface for her even though her husband died 9 years ago. [End of flashback]

Grieving never does have a time frame, does it? It comes in waves, sudden and unexpectedly. A smell, the same people, a memory, and then instantly you are transported back to when you loved that person so completely, and you are instantly forced mourn the loss all over again as if it just happened moments ago. She knew all about that, and she knew how powerful Bobby's grief was and how complicated his emotions were. Her heart reached out to him, and she instantly felt bad for how they interacted at the time.

Bobby's words brought her back to the present. "All I thought about was holding you and knowing you were safe." She reveled in the feeling of closeness and the warmth of his body pressed against her. His hand absentmindedly ran gentle circles on her back as she faced him.

"Bobby" she interrupted, grabbing one of his hands in hers. "I know I wasn't there for you as much as I should have been. I mean, in the beginning, yes, but after you lost your mother, it was so close to Quinn's murder, and it brought up so much about my husband." She referred to him as her current husband as if he were still alive and she were still married. She felt him pulling back a bit as if he were unsure how to proceed. Don't pull away. She knew he would fixate on it, because he analyzed everything but it wasn't like we got divorced. He would still be my husband, if he hadn't got murdered. It was a weird gray area that she didn't know how to tackle. On one hand, she felt guilty for betraying Joe, and on the other, she wasn't his wife anymore. He was gone. She scrunched up her forehead at the thought of her confusing loyalties. Was I wrong to think of Bobby when if Joe was still here, I would still be married to him? I did have sex with Bobby. She didn't want to open that can of worms on the ramifications of sleeping with her partner, let alone the fact that she didn't feel guilty doing so. That thought panged at her stomach. Why didn't I feel guilty, and why do I now? Am I screwing this up by bringing up Joe so much? Why is he suddenly all that comes up in my head. Am I betraying him?

She spoke in an attempt to quiet her loud mind. "I wanted comfort that neither him nor you could give me, but I also needed someone to hate, and you became an easy target, and for that, I'm sorry."

"I made it easy for you or you to be mad at me. I pried my way into a difficult point of your life without thought to how that would affect you. I needed to get away from my grief for a bit, and I unintentionally hurt you. It was selfish. You had every right to react the way you did. Alex, I put myself before you."

"We both did that." She reached up to lightly touch his face. He placed his hand on hers as she felt him briefly lean into her touch. Then, he resumed holding her.

His eyes were glassy with emotion. He needed to say this because if he didn't say it now, he'd probably never admit it. "Not knowing where you were or what was being done to you when you were kidnapped, it terrified me. When I saw you and saw that you were okay, I didn't want to leave your side because inside you weren't and that was my fault." I brought these people in your life, and I was so blinded by my history with them that couldn't see what was in front of me. I could have lost you. I can't even think about losing you. I need you in my life. He tightened his hold on her like he had before and closed his eyes briefly taking in the feel of her body and inhaled the light fragrant smell of her. He hadn't lost her. She was here with him. He opened his eyes and looked down afraid to meet her eyes, scared at the intensity of emotion he felt at that moment.

She chewed on her lip. "Bobby it wasn't your fault, and I don't blame you. You know that, right?" Bobby didn't answer. Instead, he leaned his head on top of hers then shifted his head touching his forehead to hers. He then lifted his head and placed a small kiss on her shoulder and another on her neck. He ran his hands down her hair softly, barely letting the strands run through his fingers. She closed her eyes as his soft touch felt soothing and erotic at the same time. He pushed her hair out of her face and placed another soft kiss on her lips. He ran his thumb lightly on her lips before he went in for another kiss.

She opened her eyes to meet his. "Bobby, what are we doing?" He felt her reservation. They were crossing another line, and he felt the significance but also felt the timing made sense for them. He also knew in some ways this would be more difficult for her than the first boundary they crossed. It was difficult for him, too, but he knew if he ever wanted this to be something more, he would have to make the first move.

"Shhh, let me." He turned his head towards her as she met his lips tentatively and gently. Then as her lips touched his, he kissed her hungrily, grabbing fistfuls of Alex's hair. He felt something inside him stir that hadn't been there in a long time: passion and need. He needed her, and she couldn't get close enough. He knew she needed him just as much. They both lost themselves with each other surrendering to the kiss which quickened in intensity. It had been a while for both of them. They had desperately needed the contact. Everything about this moment felt new and intense, despite having had each other before.

They both started to settle and slow down. The tension was overwhelming. Their bodies tingled with each touch and anticipation. It was like they were having each other for the first time. The emotion weighed heavy on them but in a good way. He laid kisses on her body with such a tender reverence as she moaned and felt her arms pulling him closer to her so she could kiss his mouth. She began working her hands underneath his shirt as she helped him get it over his head. He felt a little self conscious at his weight gain and looked downward embarrassed at the state of his body that had drastically changed since the last time they had sex. That feeling disappeared as she slowly dragged her fingers down his chest and placed kisses of her own on his chest. He closed his eyes, biting his lip at the sensation and let out a rushed breath that he hadn't realized he was holding. They continued undressing one another.

Goren worked his mouth from the bottom of her legs, leaving a trail of kisses until he reached her thighs. His facial hair growth rubbing coarsely along her legs allowing her anticipation and arousal to grow. He then started to lick at her thighs, teasing and nibbling softly until he got to where her thighs met and used his fingers and tongue to work inside her. She arched her back, running her hands down and grazing his hair as he maneuvered his head into the right angle. She moaned in pleasure, and he mirrored her moans with his own. When he felt her lubricate enough, he felt an eagerness to feel himself inside her. He entered her slowly, thrusting inside her with a steady rhythm. He made love to her with all his energy. They caught each other's mouths, kissing each other with slow and lingering tongues. Hands became wild, gently caressing every inch of skin burning every image and sensation in their minds. Their hands caressed each other's hands and arms, pulling them above their heads until they interlaced their fingers.

When they were finished, they cleaned up and settled back into bed together. "That was different," Goren replied and turned to scoop her up in his arms so that she was facing him. She wrapped her arms around his neck.

"That was wonderful," she replied. A smile graced her lips, and she almost didn't believe what she was seeing when he returned a smile too.

"Yes, it was." They kissed each other once more.

Everything had changed for them that night. They normally wouldn't address having sex afterwards, but this wasn't a casual hookup. There were emotions involved now. When they looked at each other, they really saw each other exposed and vulnerable. They couldn't just let this pass without talking about what had happened between them and the proverbial road ahead.

"So much for not doing anything," She snarked, running her hands through her hair and a small, I can't believe what just happened, smile adorned her face.

"Do you regret it?"

"No, I don't," she answered immediately and happily. "But Bobby, you know this changes everything."

"It doesn't need to. We've slept together before and were able to work together just fine."

"This wasn't just sex, Bobby. This was more than that. It was Intimate. You can't look at me and tell me that things are going to be like they were before."

"I want it to." He couldn't let them overthink it because after he had her in such an emotional way, he couldn't lose her. He couldn't stand the thought of losing one more important woman in his life.

"Wanting it isn't always enough." She sighed. "It was easy to detach before but now things are different."

"Do you uh want it to?"

"I do but-"

"No buts. You want it to, and I want it to so let's make it happen," he said, struggling to keep the smile from his face.

"Bobby, I do want it but with our track records."

"Let's not think about that right now."

"What am I gonna do with you?"

"Love me." He smiled a smile reserved for her. He tested the waters with that statement because he needed to hear those words that he suspected she felt for him.

"I do," she grabbed his face and planted a kiss. "God help me, I do love you, Bobby."

"I love you too, Alex." He held her close like at any moment she could disappear. "And I want more than just sex. I want an us." He picked up her hand and kissed her palm and placed his hand in hers.