Not Beta'd

Goren rose early. It wasn't unusual for Goren as he was quite the early riser but as a civilian, he didn't feel the motivation lately to be productive but this morning he had to get up and he dreaded it with every stubborn bone in his body.

He picked up a quick breakfast bagel and coffee for Eames and manage to drop it off to her before he headed to his appointment. En route, he tried to mentally prepare himself for the onslaught that was mandatory therapy. It felt tortuous and punitive.

They weren't giving him his job back nor was cooperating signaling a potential return to the field, it simply was a requirement for the "crazy" detective who didn't know how to play ball. He saw no point nor incentive for diving in. If you think about it, it's all their fault for therapy not being successful.

He shuffled in dead weight pushing himself into a chair that was not comfortable and squeaked as he adjusted his body. The air was stuffy. The shelves were lined with books that had a coating of dust that came with abandonment and disregard. Books were something he normally could resonate with but here he thought it was purely ornamental, almost like an ad in the yellow pages boasting skill, competency, and eagerly trying to impress. There weren't pictures or many personal items. She was probably a private person which then brought in the thought, why did she think someone else should spill their guts and intimate details while she was allowed to hide behind privacy.

"Hello Robert."

She had once asked what name he preferred Rob, Bob, Bert, Robert, or Bobby. He settled on Robert as it was professional and demonstrated a bit of distance. He didn't want to tell her about how the only person he allowed to call him Bobby outside his family was his partner because that would open up more questions than he cared to answer. Well, Eames and the occasional charming but infuriating psychopath.

There was an unnerving bit of silence where Dr. Olivet mirrored his refusal to talk. He figured she was using that tactic to draw him out and make him fill in the quiet but he could play this game as long as she could stand it as he simply had no desire to talk. He wrung his hands in his lap and occassionally finding a bit of his clothing interesting and running it through or under his hands before landing on holding his head up as boredom took over.

"Robert its been 20 minutes and you haven't spoken a word. I know Noone wants open up to the mandated counselor. A lot of officers and detectives may worry how they would be perceived by superiors or peers. Many worry about appearing weak, or crazy, or unfit to do their job. I understand the stigma and hesitation behind it. But, Robert, you are smart and I believe aware how therapy can help someone."

"Yeah where did you get that, my file?"

"And your reputation-"

"My reputation has been all mapped out for me and I already have the crazy moniker from my superiors and colleagues so you can stop right there with trying to reel me in. I'm not interested in talking."

"That's quite a shame because it appears to me that there will be nothing to lose from talking."

"They can make me come here but they can't make me talk. They want to punish me, that's on them but I don't have to participate in their punishment."

"Why do you think you're being punished?"

"Isn't it obvious? It's all there in my file. You can read, right?" He glanced at the books again covered in dust and thought, well who knows maybe she doesn't. "They have me on suspension with no real plan for bringing back and to compound it all they force me to come here with the throw away that I'm crazy. I don't know about you but that sounds like punishment to me."

"It sounds like you have dealt with quite a bit recently and you may hold some resentment and quite a bit of anger at them."

He made a face scrunching his lips and cheek and rolling his eyes like of course I'm angry.

"And your mother died recently do you think that factors in here? I imagine with that and everything going on with your job, that could make you feel helpless like you don't have any control."

He looked at the floor suddenly very uncomfortable and he thought about making a mad dash to the door but he couldn't seem to lift himself out of his seat as much as he couldn't bring himself to look into her eyes. He can fool the best of them but it often was difficult for him to hide his shame, his vulnerability no matter how hard he rebelled against it.

"Have you ever felt that before? Helplessness?"

He swallowed and shifted uncomfortably in his seat. He thought about Eames and when she was missing. He continued to bow his head downward to avoid making eye contact and closed his eyes, replaying the agony of what he went through unable to help her. He thought of his mother and the inability to do anything but watch her go and hold her hand until they took her away.

"You're angry. Or at least that's what you want the world to see."

Goren made a twitch in his face. Great you summed me up. I'm angry. I have anger issues. What cop doesn't have an anger issue? It comes with doing this job. If you are not angry, you are in the wrong field. You should be angry when innocent people are misled, hurt, killed, or in danger. You should be angry when a serial killer who is a danger to society gets free. Anger at injustices makes us good detectives because we see the biggest picture and what lies there is unjust.

"So what do you think I am, besides angry? 'Cause so far I haven't heard anything that holds true or isn't a generalization of half the police force already. Enlighten me."

He was angry but it was more than that. He also couldn't help but become afraid of how much she saw in him despite all the details he held back. Maybe she was okay but she got dealt the bad hand of me as her patient. I have no urgency of opening my wounds for those to see, apparently I let people see too much already.

"You see, I believe your anger is a cover. What are you afraid of that someone will see beyond that and see …"

He couldn't tolerate where this line of questioning would lead. He did not want to feel vulnerable and he felt it would only make him worse than help him so he employed his evasive tactics ready to bolt and deflect.

"You know I'm done with this. You think you know me but you..you don't."

"We can work past that anger, Robert but you need to work with me.

"Psh you are not working with me. You work for them. You report to them. They say I'm crazy" Goren makes some faces and gesture to further illustrate his point, "and you, what, prove them right by attempting to gain my trust to then inform on me."

"I'm not the enemy. I can help you."

"Help me? I don't need help. Tell that to the Brass and tell them I want my job back."