Not beta'd


Dr. Olivet's Office


"So Eames speaks highly of you."

"I'm glad she found therapy to be helpful. Really, I'm here to work with you not against you. Despite my contract with the police department, whatever you say here is private. You have my word. The only exceptions as, you may be aware, are if you are a danger to yourself or others."

"Yeah, excuse me if I don't find it reassuring. I don't trust easily."

"That's fair. Why don't we start with something small. You are in control here. What would you like to talk about?"

"I'm assuming nothing is not the answer you are looking for."

"Robert, you are more than welcome to sit here in silence. It doesn't bother me and I would consider it a welcome break but since I'm here, you may as well put me to work. Your choice."

Goren considered staying silent but 50 minutes could be a while and he had Eames on his mind.

"When Eames was here, well I'm sure she told you about what happened and what she went through."

"Well per my client's protection I cannot tell you anything that occurred in our sessions."

"I know. Being here, I just thought of how difficult that must have been. I mean she is strong but after that, she was in rough shape."

"Yes, generally speaking, trauma can impact even the strongest people. No one is immune."

"Yeah."

"Being a partner to someone going through trauma can bring forth its own difficulties, I suppose."

He stayed silent.

"There can be guilt, anger, helplessness." She lengthened that last word drawing it out to circle back to the theme at hand that she brought up in their prior session.

He had skipped a week in stubborn defiance but she guessed his desire to get his job back outweighed his annoyance with therapy. She was actually surprised he returned this week and hoped she could provide encouragement for his insight into his own traumas and impulsivity.

"I see what you're doing."

"I made no attempt at trickery. Simply, I think that taking a look inward can provide answers to internal struggles and underlying motivations."

"Can we let go of the shrink speak?

"Don't you ever wonder why you do the things you do? Why you may gravitate towards certain choices over others?"

"I never gave it much thought, actually."

"Well give it thought, now. What do you come up with?"

"As a profiler, we look at the environment, the familial upbringing, absent parents ...you know stuff like that. They can provide us key factors that may influence a person's driving force and later MOs."

"Patterns and risk factors."

"Essentially, yes." He gesticulated with his hands. "But I've always wondered, is that the whole story? Can we blame it on those factors and take the control away from the perpetrator … I mean at some point they choose their path..they have responsibility over who they become. They can walk away from it, or uh it becomes a fulfilling prophecy...anyway can we ever know for sure what drives those decisions?"

Dr. Olivet smiled at his response at shirking her comments and the avoidance of answering her questions but decided to stick with something he said about choice and responsibility.

"I see what you did there. But, I must say I'm intrigued..you say at some point we must look at choices and take a personal responsibility. I'm paraphrasing but I found that interesting. Does it apply to you?"

"Psssh c'mon on."

"No think about it. We can look at your personal history and examine it but as you say it may not give the whole story. So when you think about the actions you take and look back at your reprimands, do you hold yourself responsible?"

"I feel like this is a trick question...I mean what am I supposed to answer to that?"

"Just give an honest answer….you know how about this, think about it and we will talk about what you come up with next week."

Goren shifted his body and maneuvered himself out the seat and shuffled to the door. He felt like she got a final dig at him at the end. He was frustrated because he much preferred throwing people off balance than being thrown off balanced.

He exited the door and decided yeah he'll think about it...over a drink or two and wound up at his neighborhood bar drinking scotch.

Everyone wants to put the blame on me. Not once does anyone ever stop to think what if Goren made the right call and we are the ones at fault. No it's easier to ignore it and shift the weight onto me. No matter what I'm always the one at fault. My mother would agree with them. No amount of saves, cases closed, criminal insight would ever put me in the other column as essential and on the right side of it all.

He played with the glass in front of him swirling the amber liquid creating a cyclone before gulping it down. He felt a pat on the back like that of a pal or comrad but it revealed itself to be a mere acquaintance, "brother" in blue.

"Hey isn't it a little early to be tossing them back?"

"This guy." Another officer added condescendingly

"And you?"

"Not drinking just found a small break to shoot the shit." Goren scrunched his lips and didn't bother asking to join them. He figured he wouldn't be invited anyway but was content with it as he much rather be alone.

"Don't you know the rules don't apply to him?" The second officer added.

"Yeah, talk to me when your numbers are as good as mine maybe then your words will carry weight..huh."

The first officer put his arm around the second officer's shoulder and chest to corale him to the corner booth near the pool table.

The second officer fired back, "good luck ever getting back. It's about time someone put the whacko in his place."

Goren stood and gave his best intimating face as he was about to press his knuckles into a fist.

The first officer interrupted, "it's good. No one needs a bruised face we were just going. Matter fact…" he nodded to the bartender "his next drink on me."

Goren sat down as he motioned a c'mere with his hands and the bartender replaced his glass with a half full glass of scotch. He gulped it down quickly, paid him for his previous drinks, and walked out the bar towards his apartment.

Goren imagined an engulfing smoke around him with the smell of exhaust but heavier than its actual weight. This smog trailed behind and all around him leaving a trail that could be used as a beacon to be tracked or in his current state, a warning, 'avoid this man.' He felt this Negativity smog push him down and he fought to walk against it. This smog grew the more he fought it as almost to say, 'just give in. You aren't going to win.'

He opened his door and his phone rang. It was Eames. He also noted he had a missed call.

He flicked the phone open knowing if he didn't answer, she'd be on his way. He was in no mood for company.

The receiver crackled and then clicked on. "Hello. Bobby, are you there?"

He answered with a deflated, "yeah."

"Everything good?"

"You know...I just feel like being by myself today." His speech was slower than usual and it sounded as if he was speaking with a heavier or thicker tongue. She could tell he had been drinking.

"You know, maybe I should stop by and make some coffee?"

"I said I want to be alone. I can manage to make coffee, not that I need it. I'm not an invalid. I don't need a mother, Just let me be alright."

"Fine. You know what, you got it." She bit off as she clicked the phone shut.

He was sure that he would pay for that later but that was the quickest way to get her off his back.