Chapter 14: Love Beyond the Wall of Your Love
Summary:
Sometimes Silence isn't as Golden as one would think,
Aziraphale's silence is not Crowley's heaven,
Sometimes it takes a little more than just love.
Notes:
There is a mention of a hand at a throat in a loving way, but just incase, you are forwarned.
Have some Crowley loving fluff and an Aziraphale readjustment...
Chapter Text
playlist?list=PL-B2IVpkcxi5u-JaU5dHPrFuaV9DyFb0t
Time was passing ever so slowly as Crowley started to notice that his angel was falling deeper into a depression that he couldn't quite understand. Aziraphale was building a fortress around himself, thicker than any vault in the known universe. So harsh was the wall that even Crowley had trouble finding cracks in it, he was starting to fear that Aziraphale was going to leave. Crowley watched from their bed when Aziraphale went into the bathroom, he heard the shower go on, then as quietly as a mouse, a sound from the bathroom.
Aziraphale was trying to sing yet again, Crowley heard the start, then a sudden hope as Aziraphale's voice carried. Then just as soon as it started the sudden crack, nothing, the Silence was golden, but in this situation, it wasn't because the only other sound that Crowley heard was the sob that followed. Crowley's heart fell with every note, knowing the break was inevitable, but his angel never stopped trying. At least that was his belief two weeks ago before that last crack happened, and that last sob was heard. Crowley would give anything to be able to go back two weeks had he known how Aziraphale was going to shut down.
~ Silence is deafening.~
Crowley left his thoughts for a moment of the last time he heard his angel try to sing in the shower, looking back over to the bed where his angel still lay. It had been three days since Aziraphale had looked at his laptop, a book, or even eaten. Crowley knew things were bad, between the nightmares, and the depression that had set in, now Aziraphale was not even trying anymore Crowley had to figure something out. Silently he left the bedroom and went down into the bistro, glad to have the music lighten his mood, Crowley quietly sat there.
~ Silence is deafening. The Silence between them deafening.~
Tracey and Shadwell came by to see how Crowley was holding up, both knew how bad it was getting with Aziraphale, and they were going to come up with a plan. Anathema listened in on their conversations of what could be causing the dip in his depression, going from trying to just flat out giving up. It was Anathema who realized the one thing none of them had thought of, including herself. It was the one thing that meant the most to Aziraphale, his singing, that they knew, but it was a link to something even more important than himself.
"Crowley, I think I know what's going on!" Anathema slid over into the conversation after taking care of the last patron. Crowley, Shadwell, and Tracey looked at her, Crowley holding a sliver of hope left in him.
~ Silence is deafening.~
"Well, please don't keep it a secret Anathema, I am out of ideas. Just talk, I can't take the quiet anymore" Crowley looked at her with pleading eyes and a hope that perhaps his witch figured it out.
"It's you, Crowley." Anathema looked at him, her eyes bright with hope but a sense of sadness as she waited for Crowley to realize her words.
"Explain Anathema, how am I the reason for all this?" Crowley looked slightly offended but was willing to entertain anything at this moment. Tracey looked between the two, and she gasped.
"Oh my god, why didn't we see it before Anathema, I mean it was because of us. We're so stupid!" Tracey beamed for a moment in the realization of it all. Crowley looked annoyed, and Shadwell leaned against the glass door and shrugged at Crowley.
~ There is a Silence in a storm and a storm in Silence.~
"Crowley, think. You and Aziraphale clicked from the start, but you were both so awkward, it took a miracle to get the two of you to admit anything. Do you remember what that was? Think Crowley, and you need to see it for yourself as well as be told." Anathema waited before she continued, letting the information slowly come to fruition within Crowley's eyes.
"Crowley, when did you truly, and I mean truly finally decide you were going to let Aziraphale know how you felt? It was the night of the Open Mic, he sang his love to you because that was where he was confident. With his voice gone, he might very well think he is going to lose you as well; it was the one thing about him, in his eyes that finally got you to see him, and now it's gone." Anathema all but teared up as she finished her thoughts to Crowley, seeing the realization dawn on Crowley's face was almost as heart-wrenching as seeing Aziraphale fall apart.
~Silence is Golden, When you know where the Gold is coming from.~
Crowley sat back in his chair, the group could see him thinking over everything. Anathema was right, and he knew it. Aziraphale had become all but silent around Crowley, only actually speaking if Aziraphale hadn't used his voice much that day and only for short periods. It never occurred to him to think that Aziraphale was afraid, afraid of losing everything he had left. Crowley wiped a tear from his eye, threatening to run down his cheek, his angel was breaking, and he hadn't seen the why. It had always been the nightmares, the ones that Aziraphale wouldn't speak of, Crowley had always thought it was from the fire. Maybe just maybe it was of losing him, Crowley never thought much of himself in terms of much to lose, but if he admitted it to himself, his angel saw Crowley as everything.
~ Silence is a language, Love is the translator.~
"You're right, so how do I fix this?" Crowley looked at the group, and it was Shadwell that came up to him. Clapping him on his back, he smiled at him.
"I think you know Crowley, you're the only one that can even get through to him, you need to make him see, that he doesn't need a voice to still be just as loved, maybe even more now." Shadwell gave Crowley's shoulder a squeeze and nodded to Tracey, it was time to go, Crowley had work to do, none of them could help with this. Tracey hugged Crowley, wishing him luck and to please bring her best friend back, he was her angel too. Crowley smiled, it was a sad smile, that Anathema caught, her arms went around his shoulders, and she smiled.
"Listen to me Crowley, I have seen both of you survive when you shouldn't have, and you have never given up on him, as he hasn't given up on you. You just need to think, when did all of this, with him really kick in, because he was fine for a while. Figure that out and go from there." Anathema lovingly hugged him and stood him up, giving him a swift swat on his ass, "Buck up, Crowley."
~ Silence is deafeningly a language to learn and conquer.~
Crowley walked into his kitchen and glanced around, hearing songs playing across the bistro, he noticed that a few of the songs that were playing were songs that Aziraphale had sung that night. Running his hands through his hair, he grimaced; Crowley hadn't noticed because he loved hearing the songs, to him, and in his mind, he could hear Aziraphale singing the songs. ~Well shit~ Crowley thought to himself, he was listening to other men do what Aziraphale couldn't anymore, so Crowley had played the recordings.
Crowley sat down finally and thought, when did all of this happen, when did it get this bad. It wasn't when they were home, it wasn't during the dance, it was, it was the following day it had started. Why, though, what had happened. Crowley placed his head on the bakers' table; it was cool, well used, and then he remembered, his face flushing at the thought.
"Fuck." Crowley let his head bang lightly on the table as he went over that evening's events. All was perfect, delicious, seductively amazing until it wasn't, and Crowley hadn't realized it. "Shit, shit, shit!" Crowley remembered one particular moment, he remembered hearing his angel, then a strange break in his voice, Crowley had thought it was a hitch, but as he remembered, it was oddly silent after that, and anytime since. Which had become few and far between, each time was even more silent, and in this case, the Silence was once again, not golden.
~ Silence is a wall you build when no one hears you scream.~
Crowley picked himself up with a sigh and headed back up to the flat if his angel had built a wall around a voice. Crowley was going to not just tear that wall down, but demolish it like a wrecking ball, and not let his angel make a sound. Crowley was going to have to convince and angelic being, that it was him that mattered, not a voice. So as his mind wandered, it became clear, but how to make an angel stay silent while making them sing. Crowley grinned wickedly, he was damned sure about to find out.
~ Silence is a rain shower in the forest.~
Quietly Crowley entered the flat, his angel nowhere to be seen, not in the bedroom, or anywhere else. Then he heard the shower come on, Aziraphale had managed to get out of bed to wash up, maybe get dressed. Crowley grinned, well that last part wasn't going to be happening, but how to do it. Looking around the room, he made the bed, changed out of the clothes for the bistro, not like he really did anything down there today, this was all about Aziraphale.
Crowley sat on the edge of the bed and waited for his angel to leave the bathroom, in his self induced Silence. Leaning back on his arms, Crowley's eyes never left the closed bathroom door, the one door that Aziraphale would always leave open when he showered, and not that was closed as well. Today was going to change that, Crowley was determined to undermine Aziraphale's wall, Crowley loved him, with more than he even was, and he needed his angel back.
~Wings of an angel, encompass with love the Silence of the masses.~
Clouds of sweet-smelling steam left the bathroom in a wall before Aziraphale left, Crowley found that somewhat ironic as he sat upright. Saddened blue eyes met flaming golden pools of light, a tilt of Crowley's head with a sweep of his eyes caused a blush to hike its way across the expanse of Aziraphale's face. Grinning at said angel granted Crowley a blush that sauntered vaguely downwards. Aziraphale stopped three steps into their bedroom, his Silence screaming volumes, watching Crowley's eyes take his corporation in fully, grasping the towel just a touch closer to his body.
Standing from the bed, Crowley slowly circled his angel, lifting a hand so that Aziraphale could see it. Shivering commenced as Crowley dragged a finger around Aziraphale's collarbone, over his shoulder, across his back, stopping back on his collar bone. Crowley stood before Aziraphale, blue eyes looking up, locking eyes with his temptation demon, who was currently more a mystery than anything.
"I want you to listen to me, Aziraphale. No questions, I don't want you to talk, I want you to hear me. Alright?" Crowley asked, with a commanding undertone in his voice, Aziraphale nodded no sound coming from him. "Good, now, I am going to explain a few things to you, and you will hear me unless I otherwise say. Understood?" Once again, Aziraphale nodded but went to ask a question, to which Crowley placed a finger over Aziraphales' lips, hushing him. "I said, hear me, I do not want to hear from you unless I ask for it." Aziraphale stiffened at the request but nodded.
Aziraphale's answering Silence spoke volumes, though Crowley could not interpret its language, yet.
Crowley circled Aziraphale one more time, letting his fingers dance over pale skin, following a line of freckles that mapped out the nights' sky. Stopping behind his angel, lowering his head, he let his lips kiss and caress of Aziraphale's shoulders, lips curling up into a smile, feeling the shudder beneath them. Crowley bit down just enough to worry the flesh between his teeth, a voice catching gasp left his angels' mouth. "No sound Aziraphale, none at all unless I ask for it." Aziraphale closed his mouth.
"It has not gone unnoticed, least of all by me, that you have been shutting down, my love, my angel, my everything." Crowley stood behind Aziraphale, pressing his body against Aziraphale, sliding his hands down over bared arms. "You seem to be under the impression that the only reason I noticed you is because of your voice, because of the way you sang." Aziraphale went to turn and speak; Crowleys' hands gripped cool shoulder holding him facing forward with Crowley behind him. "I said, quiet."
Crowley's hands slid around the top of the towel that hid Aziraphale away from his wandering hands. Nimble fingers skittered under the towel, the tucked-in tie falling open, Aziraphale quickly tightening his arms around it. Crowley grinned, continuing to talk. "I noticed you from the moment you walked into my shop, and hell froze over for you, and only you, time stopped, until you restarted it." Crowley's lips kissed the crook of Aziraphale's' neck, up and under the sensitive side of his ear. "The day I saw that blush crawl down your neck, disappearing under your collar, how I wanted to know how far down that blush went." Warm lips ran down Aziraphale's shoulder, Crowley's fingers were allowed to slither under and pull away at the towel.
In a pool of white, the towel dropped to the floor, Crowley pressed his body up against Aziraphale's. The feeling of a clothed body pressed against the bared skin of an angel, Aziraphale leaned back into him. Crowley's hand slid up the front of Aziraphale, stopping at his collarbone, Crowley's hand covered the distance between one side to the other. "Watching you leave, was always a pleasure, seeing you look for your name on a cup, never getting it because I wanted you to read what I saw in you, to see your reactions." A silent gasp leaving Aziraphale, his head falling against Crowley's shoulder, his arms at his sides, giving Crowley ownership of him, for the moment.
Crowley felt the change in the air around them, there was an underlying electrical current growing, a wire left frayed. Crowley brought his hand up to the base of Aziraphale's' throat, letting the weight of his hand rest worshipfully there. Feeling the flutter of a pulse, the hard swallow of want growing. "When you fell through my door and into my kitchen, your hair, a fluff of anxiety-riddled curls, your eyes the color of heavens sky. I knew I was already done for, you were all I wanted, you were what filled my nights, alone. You were the cause of my distractions, of my need and want." Crowley pressed his fingers slightly tighter around Aziraphales' throat, using his other hand slowly it traveling down Aziraphales' stomach before turning fingers down and stopping at Aziraphale's hardening arousal.
Crowley's fingers found their place wrapped around Aziraphale's arousal, with his fingers loose, Crowley slowly stroked Aziraphale, Crowley's speed not enough to let Aziraphale tumble but enough to cause him to ride the edge of forever. "I was already in love with you the night you sang, your voice is beautiful." Crowley could feel Aziraphale stiffen under his words, they were right, Aziraphale had somehow convinced himself that Crowley only loved him because of his voice. "However, your voice is not in any way as beautiful as you." Crowley punctuated every word with a tightening of his hand around Aziraphale's cock, and a sudden stroke, caused Aziraphale's knees to shake, a sound started to leave Aziraphale.
"I said quiet, angel, you are going to hear me, and only me. unless I ask." Aziraphale nodded, using Crowley to stay upright. "Good, angel. I would think you like this, just a bit." Crowley tightened his grip around Aziraphale's throat as his angel nodded yes. With a tightened hand, Crowley continued, "Who loves you, Aziraphale? Answer me." Crowley waited until he heard Aziraphale gasp out ~You~, against a stroke of Crowley's hand. "That's right, Aziraphale, I do." Crowley pressed himself against Aziraphale, with more a roll against his angel, letting a puff of breath brush across Aziraphale ear.
Crowley slowly ever so slowly started to walk Aziraphale forward towards the bed, Aziraphales need ridden form followed willingly, letting Crowley lead him. "After that night, it took everything in me not to ravage you every chance you gave me, which were many, you tempting angel, it was very naughty of you. I am so lucky, Aziraphale, to have an Angel, so good, so loving to be so willingly filthy." Crowley stopped before Aziraphale's knees hit the bed, leaving his hand against Aziraphale's throat, he felt the swallow, felt the shiver. "My love, my angel, my life, my everything. Where did you get the idea that your voice had anything to do why I want you? Why I need you?"
Aziraphale went to talk when the hand around his throat squeezed just enough to make him remember he was supposed to listen. "No talking angel, my angel, my fiance. When I ran into that fire, do you think it was for your voice? Or for you, all of you, every inch of you, every part of your hedonistic, oral fixated corporation?" Crowley slid his hand from Aziraphales cock to his hip, pressing against him for a moment, his hand sliding up his spine. "Tell me, did I put that ring on your voice? Answer."
Aziraphale gasped out ~No~, much to the delight of Crowley, who was having issues of his own, but his angel needed this. "That's right, did I put that ring on you? Answer me, Aziraphale." Crowley dragged his words out next to Aziraphale's ear.
"You put the ring on me, Crowley. Please." Crowley's hand tightened only for a moment, hearing the gasp from his angel.
"That's right, I put it on you, on our love, on a life I want to spend with you, all of you, for good or bad, you better or for worse. I was willing to die in that fire, rather than be without you, Aziraphale, my love." Crowley let his words sink into Aziraphale, he felt a hitch in Aziraphale's throat as he breathed in. Crowley let his hand slide back down around Aziraphale's cock, stroking it over the top, allowing the precum slide under his hand, letting his fingers press in the underside, dragging his hand back to the top and twisting his hand over the top and back down.
~Loves fire burns brighter and louder than any silence.~
Aziraphale hands had gripped onto Crowley's thighs as they stood there, Crowley turned them around to face the open door. The mirror on the back wall of the bathroom allowed Aziraphale to watch them together. Crowley held Aziraphale against him as he fucked him with his hand, holding him with a loving hand against a throat that had all but destroyed his angel. "Look at us angel, you are all I want, you are what I want to feel in our bed at night. Tell me, angel, what do I love about you?" Aziraphale looked down away from the mirror, "Look at us, Aziraphale." Crowley sped his hand up, bringing Aziraphale to start grasping at the air, shaking against his chest.
"I don't know." Aziraphale panted out, Crowley squeezed his wrapped fingers tighter around Aziraphale's cock, sliding easier as Aziraphale's cock wept onto Crowley's hand. Making sure Aziraphale was watching them, Crowley locked eyes with Aziraphale in the mirror.
"You don't know, angel, then I guess we're going to be here all day till you do." Crowley agonizingly slowed his hand, keeping Aziraphale from tipping over the edge and into bliss. "Tell me, Aziraphale, What. Do. I. Love. About. You?" Each word was punctuated with a squeeze of both hands.
Aziraphale gasped out far more words than Crowley asked for, earning him, a complete stop, the moving of the hand on his throat. Aziraphale's hands shot up, holding Crowley's hand to his throat. Crowley saw the flash of need in Aziraphale's eyes, Aziraphale couldn't hide himself away Crowley while he watched Aziraphale's reactions in a mirror. "Please, don't. Me, you love me, all of me." Crowley grinned, letting his hand rest back against Aziraphale's throat, his hand going back around Aziraphale's cock. "Keep telling me Aziraphale, keep telling me who I love, what I love about them, it's one word, it has always been one word. Watch us Aziraphale, watch my hand around you, on you, wanting you." Crowley's hand slid stroking Azirpahle in earnest as he chanted out one single word, ~Me~
Crowley bit down and suckled Aziraphale's neck as he squeezed, feeling Aziraphel tightening against him, "Let me hear you, Aziraphale." Crowley's lips left wet kisses against Aziraphale's throat, biting into him again as he came over Crowley's hand. Aziraphale cried out, the hitch in his voice happened, but Crowley was ready for that. Crowley heard it, squeezing his hand around the throat that betrayed his angel, he whispered with each wave that took his angel. "You, my one word is you, my world is you." Aziraphale's knees started to give out, Crowley let himself fall back onto the bed, sitting with Aziraphale on his lap. Aziraphale was a shuddering mess in Crowley's lap, lifting his hand from his angel's throat; he turned Aziraphale's face towards his own, placing a kiss on flushed lips.
"I love you, Aziraphale, all of you. Always." Aziraphale leaned into the kiss, tears welled up, and fell over his face, the wall he had built falling away. Aziraphale was loved for all of his parts. Even ones that Aziraphale didn't particularly like. Crowley didn't just love him for what Aziraphale considered good, Crowley found him perfect for all his imperfections, possibly even found him attractive because of them.
~Silence is Golden, Love is Silent.~
The rest of that day, Crowley found every possible way to show Aziraphale just how much every part of him was loved. Aziraphale fell asleep that night, or possibly early morning, without a dream, without a nightmare, but exhausted in the best possible way. Crowley looked down on his angel, who was soundly sleeping after being soundly loved, fucked, and everything in between, a smile stayed on his angels' lips. Hopefully, Crowley had thought to himself that maybe just maybe they could move on from here. They did have a wedding to plan, and Crowley had plans with Pepper and Shadwell to end EDEN, once and for all.
"Find what you love and let it kill you."
― Charles Bukowski
Notes:
I hope you enjoyed it!
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