Not beta'd and decided to have this next chapter chopped up. We will be in Goren POV for a bit.
Goren stood over the kitchen sink finishing off some Chinese takeout out of the container before tossing it into the trashcan nearby. He sighed and slumped down onto the floor. What a fucking mess I am.
He thought of everything colliding all at once. He still felt grief over his mother and he thinks he somehow piled some of it away for later without really realizing. He wanted to be happy. He really tried. He wanted to be the man that was good enough, stable enough, with a fully realized life.
Of course that life never meant kids. He never wanted kids although he liked them well enough and he could identify with them. He never wanted the responsibility of cursing them with the Goren gene. He didn't feel as if he could properly be what they needed. His mother nagged him constantly about it, "Why don't be more like your brother? You are never going to get a wife being a cop. Why would you want to do that? Your brother knows...he is going find a wife, always so handsome. He is gonna have his pick. You are always so hard on him. But you could be more like him."
That was another reason Eames just worked so well. She loved her nephew but she didn't want to be a mom. She was dedicated to her work just like him. She understood him. He was lashing out at her, he knew that but he felt like he was being torn apart from the inside. He didn't know why he was like that, sabotaging his relationship with the one person who cared for him but he didn't understand that as much as he understood rejection.
The Last few moments with his mother were actually nice until he brought up the incident with his biological father. It was odd to him how affectionate and loving she seemed when she made peace with dying. She embraced him and touched his face. He couldn't remember her ever doing that. He loved the touch and her softness. But it ended in pain and violence again and he stood by her side pleading and wishing for one last moment with her. She pushed him away and slapped him and cursed him and then she went.
He held her hand and didn't let go until the nurses came in and took her away. Then, he stayed in the room surrounded by her things in the dark, numb at first then lost. What happens now? My whole life since I was 7 surrounded her and she was gone. So gone was the hope for one more good day with his mother.
Grief washed over him again and he felt like a child. He balled up his hands against his face and cried loudly. He cried until he had no more tears left and the sound escaping his mouth was silenced. Then, he was numb again.
